Embarassing issue

LegacyUser · 18-01-2010 8:39am #1

So Ive posted on here previously about having no luck with women and while that is normally true, things have changed.

I met a girl about 2 weeks ago from an Internet dating site. We went out and spent most of the night drinking and having a laugh and at the end of the night, we had a very nice snog. It had been the first time I'd snogged a girl in years.

A few days later we met up again and she came back to my place. We snogged more and fooled around with each other but didn't have full sex.

We went out this past Friday night and she ended up staying the weekend and sort of the same fooling around happened.

The thing is that I'm having a bit of an issue getting hard etc. Now I'm pretty sure this isn't a physical/biological issue as I get them often, first thing in the mornings, or when thinking about sex etc during the day.

But I've noticed with her that I will get a hard on quite early andfor quite a while. For example we were just holding hands at the weekend and that had me going.

But like if we are at my place and we start fooling around, it maybe gets hard for a few mins but then goes soft. I should mention that so far it's been me stimulating her most of the time, feeling her up etc. But usually that goes on for a while and if she gets on top or something (not fully naked), I'm not usually hard.

I've become a bit concerned about this and I know she was a bit worried too but I just told her it can sometimes take me a while to get going.

Like last night even when we got fully naked, I sort of had to play with myself to get hard. Although she managed to get me the same way herself by doing some stuff.

But it's like by the time we get around to doing anything for me, I'm as limp as a noodle even though I'm sort of expecting to be bursting out of my jeans.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Like I say it's not that I'm not able to get a hard on. It's just that our timing seems to be off. I get turned on early but by the time anything happens, it can take a while to get me started.

I suppose I'm worried that i should be rock hard from the moment we start snogging until the time something happens to me directly, which can easily be 30 mins to an hour later.

Anyone else experienced this?

LegacyUser · 18-01-2010 9:17am

Hey,

It performance anxiety most likely. It happens to guys now and again. You are overthinking about things and you lose the erection. Thats why you get them no prob in the day time (you are not feeling pressure then).

The thing to do is relax and not think about it. I have had it before and it can be a vicious cycle because the more it doesnt work the more you have pressure the next time.

Talk to her and play around. Maybe try a quickie just to get your confidence back.

Best of luck

Motley Crue · 18-01-2010 1:33pm

This is perfectly normal, you use erection right at the moment and it can be damned embarrassing, but I wouldn't worry about it....

If you want to have sex, and its just an erection issue next time, take it slow and relax....even if she seems concerned... don't lie, tell her the truth and she'll prob be more understanding then you think

just ask her to play with your penis or try and get undressed before penetration and the sight of her breasts should set you off:eek:

LegacyUser · 18-01-2010 5:11pm

Thanks for the replies so far.

I don't think it's a chronic problem, just more frustration the way things work. She's a bit hesitant to go all the way and have sex at the moment and that's fair enough, I don't want to force her or rush her.

Just I've noticed so far that I'd get hard at the start of the night or maybe as we're sitting on the couch together. And maybe by the end of the night we're fooling around and doing stuff although it's mostly me sort of stimulating her etc. I don't have a problem with that, but I guess I tend to focus more on what I'm doing and I tend not to be erect at that point. Which I'm wondering if it's weird? I mean should I not be bulging out of my jeans because as I'm feeling her bits and pieces?

Although I kind of read before that it's normal for a guy to sort of get erect but unless there's direct stimulation shortly after, the erection will go away. That's kind of how it is for me.

Last night we went a bit further and were both completely naked in bed fooling around and rubbing each other etc. And after a few minutes I did get hard and stuff but because she's sort of reluctant to go all the way at the moment I sort of think there's not much point me bothering to get hard.

Anyway when we played with me down here for a few minutes it did get hard and later on the same thing happened when I was doing it myself.

I definitely think it's a case of shyness or anxiety or something like that.

We chatted about it a bit at the time and she said she was a bit worried when she noticed it. I just said that it's sort of normal for me in that I'd get excited at the start but often there needs to be more follow through to maintain the "situation".

I also got a bit frustrated (with myself) in that I thought we were about to have sex and put on a condom but then started to lose the erection again. But at that point she didn't want to go any further which is fair enough.

I suppose I'm also conscious of how she might be reacting and thinking it's a reflection on her. I told her it's not, but if I'm honest, I guess knowing that she's aware of it and perhaps concerned isn't really easing the pressure off me either. Hope that doesn't sound too selfish.

Anyway I don't think it's a massive problem (talking myself into a positive state). I know there's no mechanical issues down there so the only issue is in my head. Like I say also, it's not that I never get turned on with her. It's just the timing seems to be a bit off and I seem to need more direct stimulation.

Any more tips are more than welcome.

aidan24326 · 19-01-2010 12:57am

Mrunreg wrote: »

It's just the timing seems to be a bit off and I seem to need more direct stimulation.

Bear in mind even those supposed sex machines known as porn stars sometimes lose their mojo between scenes, and often have a girl known as a 'fluffer' to keep them hard while the director changes the camera angle or whatever. In other words, you are not alone in finding the penis an awkward beast at times. Your body is not a robotic machine, there are all kinds of factors involved and anxiety is certainly not helping your cause. It's a self-perpetuating problem, you get anxious, you go soft which makes you even more anxious. There's hardly a guy alive who hasn't been there at one time or another believe me. There's no magic bullet solution other than to try and relax and if you need a bit of stimulation to keep you going, take her hand and gently guide her to the right places. When you're with somebody a bit longer and feel more comfortable with her it'll be much easier.

Nervous Wreck · 19-01-2010 2:55am

As others have said OP, sounds like nerves. Take it as slowly as you'd like, explain to her that you're just nervous cos you want it to be special and she'll be very understanding. Instead of getting embarrassed, allow her to be involved in the situation. It'll bring you both closer and will likely remedy the problem to no end.

LegacyUser · 19-01-2010 9:12am

Thanks for the replies so far.

It's so weird, I'd never really thought I'd have this problem and I don't think I genuinely do now either. I think it's because it was our first time going that far and stuff, also I literally only met her 2 weeks ago, although we've been in contact online and via text for a week or two before that. I think because it wasn't hard exactly at the right time that it felt like it was a problem. I know from sort of playing with myself that sometimes it takes a few minutes.

However I was chatting to her via text last night and she said she was a bit worried when it happened and thought I didn't like her without her clothes on. I told her that isn't the case but I don't know if she believes me. I also tested things out manually myself last night and there were no real issues. I did put on a condom and noticed I wasn't as hard after it went on which was the case the other night too.

I'll be honest though, walking to work this morning my head was completely f****d up over this, my emotions everywhere. I was wondering did I just not fancy her that much and if she was a girl I found much hotter would it be different. But I like spending time with her and the snogging and everything else that we've been doing so I guess that's what I should be liking.

But I was so upset in my head about this situation that i came into work and just switched off my phone as I didn't want to get texts or calls from her or anyone else either. Just wanted to be left alone. She's supposed to come over tomorrow night and I'm trying not to think about what happened the other night but its difficult not to. I even went to bed last night constantly saying to myself "this isn't a problem"

And i know it's not. I was lying on the couch remembering the night before (the good stuff) and everything rose to attention. I was just a bit frustrated and stuff the night before.

I'm pretty sure if she played with me more or I did with myself, things would be grand. But she needs to not hang around once i get hard and the condom goes on.

Motley Crue · 19-01-2010 10:04am

Mrunreg wrote: »

I'm pretty sure if she played with me more or I did with myself, things would be grand. But she needs to not hang around once i get hard and the condom goes on.

That in itself is a bad idea, I mean, don't force her because it will end up coming back to bite you in the ass and she'll feel really uneasy if you try and un-naturally speed things up

Oh, and more importantly, turn your phone back on and make sure you speak to her today....especially if u want her to come around tonight...if she feels ignored after what you spoke about last night it might be more fuel in her head to think she's not attractive to you naked so make sure to leave the phone on and if she does text, text her back and reassure her that everything is fine and ok

LegacyUser · 20-01-2010 8:11am

Thanks for the replies.

So I was pretty upset and annoyed with myself yesterday as I mentioned. I was walking to work with all sorts of thoughts in my head. I started thinking I should maybe end things with her because of this and went as far as to think I'd never be able to have children at this rate.

Yeah I know it's ridiculous but it's the way my brain works at times.

I turned my phone back on and started checking my email again and during the day yesterday she sent me an email saying hello and asking how I was. I responded as soon as I seen it and we chatted a bit on email and everything seemed fine.

She then texted me last night asking if our plans were still on for today (we'd agreed that she would come over tonight). I said I was still on for it and asked if she was and she said yes. So she's coming over this evening after work and will be staying the night.

I woke up this morning nervous as hell and feeling sick about it all. I'm trying to relax about the whole thing but I'm a bundle of nerves at the moment. Although I feel a tiny bit calmer now that I'm awake a short while.

I'm not sure what to do about later. In many ways this is effectively my first time with a girl. I've had two sexual encounters before with women, but both were hookers and it was about 8 years ago. Both times I was drunk but still knew what I was doing. The first time I didn't c** as I was a bit tense. I remember her telling me to relax. The 2nd time I was so drunk I'm not even sure penetration occurred. I was so drunk I ended up leaving after about 2 minutes.

Since then, pretty much no activity with women. I met a girl about a year or so ago and we fooled around but things never got further than us in our undies.

So in many ways, in my head this is my first time. And it is my first time with a normal girl (not a hooker).

I've even considered using some pharmaceutical enhancement tonight just to get me sorted. About 2 years ago I was chatting to a fella and he told me about this stuff called Kamagra Jelly which is basically like a jelly/liquid form of viagra. He was telling me he often used it with women the first few times he was with them because of feeling self conscious. He gave me the link to the site and I bought 5 sachets of it back then. I tried one of them out around the time I bought it, but I didn't notice any effect. Having said that I spilled most of it and I was alone, playing with myself so perhaps that's not enough.

Anyway I think I'd like to do things without such enhancements and like I say, I know that physically there's no issue with me. Things work down there.

It's just that so far our fooling around has started off with snogging, me feeling her up etc and her kind of grinding on me eventually. This whole thing can last about 30 minutes or more and the whole time I've been clothed while she's had her top and bra off. Unfortunately I don't tend to be hard during this. I can be early in the night when we start cuddling and stuff. Unfortunately that's as far as it goes then so by the time more happens later in the night, it has receeded.

I even started to get worried yesterday that she'd lose interest in me because of this. I'm hoping that's not the case.

I know things are working ok for her. Through our fooling around and what we've done so far, she's orgasmed at least twice so I'm glad she's had her needs taken care of in that respect.

I kind of just wish I could forget about things and relax a bit more.

Anyway I don't know if anything will happen later tonight (I suspect something will at least) so I'm just going to try and think positive and think that everything will work as needed. Rather than sitting there thinking about what I hope doesn't happen (I read the Secret).

If this has happened to anyone else I'd really like to hear what happened and how you got past it.

Thanks again.

LegacyUser · 20-01-2010 10:25am

Hey there,

Sorry to hear your head is so wrecked etc etc! My boyfriend went through something similar when we started going out. He had a lot of issues with a past girlfriend and so had a lot of worries when it came to doing the deed with me. He was always very hard almost on verge of cuming when we were messing around undressing each other but when it came to actual penetration he wouldn't be able to sustain it.

Step one was teling me, this made it better because he was lessed stressed and I was more comfortable if it did happen because I knew it wasn't "me". I think as well at the start of a relationship before you know peoples likes and dislikes and when you are not as free around them sex can be very disjointed as in you do X-Y-Z and there may be too much time for men to "cool off" instead of it flowing nicely etc. It used to get my OH sooo down I hated it and I just wanted it sorted for him even if the sex ended up good or bad! Anyway as you said its all mental which is a good thing to admit. What worked for us was going into every situation saying (mentally not litereally saying ha!) ok we are going to pleasure each otehr whether that means sex or not, Eventually we were doing everything but and the moment took is and my bf want and felt he could continue. Took a few tries to get everything totally sorted but it is now and we haven't looked back since.

Hope this helps even if it just shows there is light at the end of the tunnel for a mental block! Good luck tonight!

LegacyUser · 20-01-2010 11:12am

From your posts you seems to be trying to put this onto her .."if she was hotter" etc. I dont believe this to be true. Ask yourself honestly do you find her attractive -simple question.

I would say its more likely you are in defence mode - trying to find a reason for the issue outside of yourself. I know this from experience as when I had it I was blaming my partner on not stimulating me enough.

The reality is its you. You just need to explain it to her and relax. If you cast her aside the odds are that you will have the problem next time around

aidan24326 · 20-01-2010 12:09pm

unreg1989 wrote: »

Hey there,

Sorry to hear your head is so wrecked etc etc! My boyfriend went through something similar when we started going out. He had a lot of issues with a past girlfriend and so had a lot of worries when it came to doing the deed with me. He was always very hard almost on verge of cuming when we were messing around undressing each other but when it came to actual penetration he wouldn't be able to sustain it.

Step one was teling me, this made it better because he was lessed stressed and I was more comfortable if it did happen because I knew it wasn't "me". I think as well at the start of a relationship before you know peoples likes and dislikes and when you are not as free around them sex can be very disjointed as in you do X-Y-Z and there may be too much time for men to "cool off" instead of it flowing nicely etc. It used to get my OH sooo down I hated it and I just wanted it sorted for him even if the sex ended up good or bad! Anyway as you said its all mental which is a good thing to admit. What worked for us was going into every situation saying (mentally not litereally saying ha!) ok we are going to pleasure each otehr whether that means sex or not, Eventually we were doing everything but and the moment took is and my bf want and felt he could continue. Took a few tries to get everything totally sorted but it is now and we haven't looked back since.

Hope this helps even if it just shows there is light at the end of the tunnel for a mental block! Good luck tonight!

OP, this girl here has given you the best advice you're going to get. You are massively overthinking things and you just need to slow your head down a bit. Like the poster above said just concentrate on pleasuring each other without any 'end goal' as such, just go with the flow and let things happen naturally. It will come right in due course, but the more you keep stressing about it you're only going to make things worse.

LegacyUser · 20-01-2010 12:20pm

perfanxiety wrote: »

From your posts you seems to be trying to put this onto her .."if she was hotter" etc. I dont believe this to be true. Ask yourself honestly do you find her attractive -simple question.

I would say its more likely you are in defence mode - trying to find a reason for the issue outside of yourself. I know this from experience as when I had it I was blaming my partner on not stimulating me enough.

The reality is its you. You just need to explain it to her and relax. If you cast her aside the odds are that you will have the problem next time around

Thanks for the replies.

Just to clarify, I'm not trying to put the emphasis on her. I know it's just nerves and stuff in my head. It's just the frustration yesterday made me doubt her. I like her, we get on well, I think she's attractive so I know the problem is just in my head.

I'm annoyed with myself is all. Anyway I feel more relaxed and just slowing things down and taking our time really appeals to me. So I think I will try that.

Like I said the issue isn't that I don't get hard. It just seems to happen at the wrong time and at the right time it's just not as reliable. But as a previous poster said, I think it's just a matter of getting things in sync and getting used to each other. We literally only met for the first time 2 weeks ago so it's still early days.

Thanks again

shellyboo · 20-01-2010 4:08pm

OP, you are way way way way WAY overthinking this. The fact that you said you don't know why you even 'bother' to get hard is a bit of a red flag - an erection isn't just a tool for sex, it's a sign of arousal, a pleasurable thing. If she's pleasuring you, then it's just a natural reaction.

You really need to stop fretting about it and let whatever is going to happen, happen. It's not her fault, it's not your fault. It's just biology. Take it slow and just focus on making eachother feel good, whether that's through sex or not.

LegacyUser · 21-01-2010 8:56am

Thanks for all the replies so far.

She stayed the night last night and there were some issues again unfortunately. We ended up in bed sort of getting ready to sleep and started eventually messing around. She ended up on top of me again, with her top off, grinding away and nothing was happening for me. Having said that it had been starting to harden a bit before that.

She kind of went silent then and we both knew what the problem was so I basically started saying why it was happening to me (nervousness, lack of experience) and a host of other things. I told her several times that she wasn't the issue but she remained silent the whole time. This made me concerned, I was hoping she'd say something.

After a while I turned away and curled up as I hated how I felt and was so frustrated again. All sort of thoughts running through my head. She eventually made moves towards me again and we started chatting about things.

A while later we went to go to sleep again and as I was up against her, I could feel things starting to move down below. We kind of kept at the grinding and stuff and eventually both ended up naked. I still had problems keeping it fully hard but this time she was playing with it constantly whereas the first time she hadn't touched it at all (neither had I) and I still had my bottoms on then too. So from that point of view there was improvement.

We kept messing around and while penetration was kind of a problem, we did some other stuff which made me cum.

She then asked that I return the favour so we started messing around again and she had what seemed to be a pretty intense orgasm. After it she was in shock almost at how good it was and kept saying how amazing she felt. That made me feel good. As we were taking care of her needs I could feel myself getting hard again which surprised me as only a few minutes earlier I'd came myself.

So all in all, by the end of the night we were both fairly satisfied. It still irritates me and nags on my mind that we haven't got that last piece sorted yet, but hopefully it's just a matter of time. I told her that I was concerned this was going to happen again last night and that she'd get fed up and tell me to get lost. Her response was that obviously if it went on forever then yes, but that it's still early days and not to worry.

Although typical me, I focus on the "obviously if it went on forever then yes" part.

Anyway she's going away for the weekend so I won't see her again until next week sometime I guess. We haven't really discussed it.

We both seemed pretty happy by the end of the night. The constant smile and look of pleasure on her face after she came was very nice and I think she felt better that she made me come as well.

magneticimpulse · 23-01-2010 2:09am

I think its because your going to fast. I mean you only met the girl 2 weeks ago and from a dating website. Are you even boyfriend/girlfriend yet? Is she dating other people? I mean ya want to establish things 1st before jumping into bed. 2 weeks is very little time indeed. I wouldnt worry about having "full sex" yet...still so early days. When the time is right and you are both relaxed and know each other more, you wont have this problem as you will be calm as a cucumber. Just slow things down a notch.

Ive been on dating websites, but for past 6 weeks or so have been in constant touch with about 6 guys...and thats after 6 weeks. After 2 weeks it would have been more. So I would wait a bit longer before jumping the gun.

after reading over all your threads...you should just enjoy the girls company. If anything, when I got with my ex, i loved the time before we had ever had sex together...the nights cuddled up together in bed, and the progression to sleeping with each other. It took us about 4 or 5 weeks to fully have sex. But when it happened it was the right time. Up until then, my ex was trying too hard! I felt he was forcing me into the situation. When it happens it happens. Stop making a huge Dawsons Creek issue out of it. As you will put the girl off. Dont explain yourself or put it down to lack of experience as this can also put her off. Definitely dont say your only experience was with hookers. That is not exactly the most accepted thing for women (even if we are in a modern society). Make sure you get STI check as well when you decide not to use condoms. It will all happen, just stop making a big deal about it. All your bits work, they just dont work under stress or being anxious.

LegacyUser · 23-01-2010 11:07am

Thanks again for the replies.

I'm a lot less stressed about the situation which is good. I think for her it was a bit of an issue and the fact that we fooled around and she made me "finish" was an important thing for her. I returned the favour so we were both satisfied which was good.

I kind of was honest about everything and she didn't seem to mind which was a relief. We haven't chatted about whether we are boyfriend and girlfriend as I thought it seemed too soon to mention it. But we've spent about 4 or 5 nights together already in that 2 weeks or so but it felt very natural.

Regarding STI's, I got myself tested several years ago after I had been with those hookers and the results came back clear. I felt fine anyway but was paranoid. And I haven't been with anyone since.

I think I'm meeting her tonight again. She asked me the other night if I wanted to go out with her and her friends tonight and I said I would, so hopefully she hasn't been put off by my revealations.

I'm a lot less stressed about things now and more relaxed so I'm sure things will flow soon enough

aidan24326 · 23-01-2010 4:55pm

Mrunreg wrote: »

I'm a lot less stressed about things now and more relaxed so I'm sure things will flow soon enough

Of course they will, you just need to slow down a bit and ALLOW things to take their natural course, no need to rush anything. What ye did together the other night was a good start, and the rest will follow in time.

LegacyUser · 25-01-2010 2:00am

Thanks for the replies.

Myself and her went out last night and met some of her friends, everything was going well. She stayed over last night and we fooled around today and stuff and the same issue kind of came up. I'm starting to wonder if me and her just aren't compatible in the bedroom. I like going out with her and the cuddling and kissing etc. But when it comes to stuff in the bedroom, I'm just not that turned on. Maybe I just don't fancy her that much and I didn't want to admit it.

Whatever is going on, I'm confused and it's making me feel bad. She's a nice girl and the last thing I want to do is mess her around. I'd like to make her happy.

Anyway, off to bed with me now.

LegacyUser · 25-01-2010 9:40am

It's the OP again. I posted that last message after dropping her home last night and it was a very quiet journey home. We barely spoke too words.

We'd been fooling around a bit here before she left as she was feeling horny but to be honest, I wasn't feeling horny at all. I was kind of tired and I just didn't feel horny in general. She said something like "Jayz, no matter what I do your never turned on". I said it wasn't that it's just that I've always been used to getting myself hard and stuff. Which is the truth. Last week when she messed around and I came, that was the first time that had ever happened because of someone else. The only other time I had came was through masturbation myself.

Anyway I feel really down at the moment. I should probably mention that I went to my doctor before Christmas as I was feeling like I was suffering from depression.

I was lying in bed with her yesterday when she was asleep and I was sort of getting upset in my head at everything. Started to feel like I couldn't cope with things and generally very "blah" about everything.

My contract at work ends in about 4 or 5 months time and I don't know if it will get renewed but I feel so emotional and stuff, I just feel like packing up all my stuff and moving home.

I like this girl. I like going out with her, spending time with her, the kissing and cuddling. I just don't know why I'm not mad horny in the bedroom with her. Like I said in a previous reply, I'm wondering if I'm just not that sexually attracted to her.

Having said that when she was asleep yesterday I was lying there sort of self stimulating myself and all I was doing was thinking about her and it seemed to get me quite hard so you can see my confusion.

Ah, I just feel to f*****d up in my head about everything. I really don't want to mess her around and I will feel like s*** for eternity if she gets hurt. But at the same time it's almost 3 weeks since we met so perhaps its too soon to give up.

And now I have to go to work and I feel like doing that about as much as I feel like eating broken glass.

Sir Ophiuchus · 25-01-2010 10:00am

Two separate problems here.

One possibility is you're just not that attracted to her (which I wouldn't have suggested normally, but since you raised it...), which is possible, but what's your reasoning here? I mean, let's be blunt. Outside of when you're actually in bed with her (and therefore dealing with all this stress etc.) do you find her attractive? Do you fantasise about her sexually when not with her? Does she arouse you intellectually and sexually when there's not pressure on you?

The other possibility (more likely, and probably present even if the other is too) is stress and "performance anxiety". You told us that when she made you come it was the first time anyone else induced that. Tell her, in such a way that she's reassured that she makes you respond sexually. The best cure for this form of stress is an understanding partner who doesn't feel lacking because you're not responding as she expects. Keep her in touch with how you're feeling, hopefully she'll keep the pressure off you, and meanwhile to make it up to her go out of your way to satisfy her sexually (though not simultaneously with you trying to relax, that defeats the purpose).

Be a thoughtful and (for now) undemanding lover, hope she can do the same, and give it a little time.

LegacyUser · 25-01-2010 5:13pm

Sir Ophiuchus wrote: »

Two separate problems here.

One possibility is you're just not that attracted to her (which I wouldn't have suggested normally, but since you raised it...), which is possible, but what's your reasoning here? I mean, let's be blunt. Outside of when you're actually in bed with her (and therefore dealing with all this stress etc.) do you find her attractive? Do you fantasise about her sexually when not with her? Does she arouse you intellectually and sexually when there's not pressure on you?

The other possibility (more likely, and probably present even if the other is too) is stress and "performance anxiety". You told us that when she made you come it was the first time anyone else induced that. Tell her, in such a way that she's reassured that she makes you respond sexually. The best cure for this form of stress is an understanding partner who doesn't feel lacking because you're not responding as she expects. Keep her in touch with how you're feeling, hopefully she'll keep the pressure off you, and meanwhile to make it up to her go out of your way to satisfy her sexually (though not simultaneously with you trying to relax, that defeats the purpose).

Be a thoughtful and (for now) undemanding lover, hope she can do the same, and give it a little time.

Thanks for the replies.

Well I suppose what triggered the "do I not fancy her?" doubt was that when we're both naked, doing stuff, why am I not super turned on and hard etc. I mean I enjoy it and it's not that I look at her and am disgusted or turned off or anything. I'm just not massively turned on. I suppose one thing that popped into my head was another girl I met just over a year ago. I didn't go as far with her as I have with this current girl, but I distinctly remember with the other girl feeling a lot more turned on when we were fooling around and one time just like rubbing against her and feeling right on the verge of cuming etc. Sorry for the blunt details.

However things didn't end well with that girl and I was quite hurt by it so I try not to think about her now (in any way). I don't believe this has affected me in the bedroom, but I suppose I should mention it just in-case.

With regards the current girl, I like her. We get on very well, have a good laugh together. I like the kissing and cuddling that we do. I like feeling her up etc and stimulating her etc. I've been out with/met up with girls that I'm plainly not attracted to and have no interest in and she's clearly not in that category.

With regards to fantasizing about her when she's not around, I guess I do. I was sitting at work today thinking about stuff we were getting up to and her naked etc and sure enough I was getting a hard on. This happens regularly enough when she's not around.

But we're quite similar in our mentality and we get on well and stuff and I like spending time with her so I'm reluctant to call a halt to things.

Having said that, I'm worried that my lack of arousal is affecting her and making her question herself and stuff. I've told her several times that she's not the issue but I'm not convinced she believes me. However I don't really know what else to do. For example last night she was horny and wanted to do stuff and I plainly wasn't in the mood. But I went ahead and did stuff with my hands to stimulate her etc.

I'll be honest. At the moment, I wouldn't really care if we just did stuff that made her climax. It really wouldn't bother me if we just ignored me completely for a while. I'm not not feeling that interested in sex as much over the past few weeks, I'm not sure why. I'm sure though it's all in my head. Although as we were in bed yest and she was sleeping, I was fantasing about doing stuff to her and was stimulating myself and I was hard then but of course I couldn't just go ahead and start doing the stuff I was thinking about as she was asleep.

I should also point out that this is the first time in about 10 years that I've been anyway close to having a relationship or girlfriend so I'm pretty clueless about all of this stuff.

I like her and would like to keep seeing her. It's been about 3 weeks now since we met so I don't want to put an end to things too soon without giving them a fair chance. But I'm concerned that my lack of libido and stuff is going to do her head in.

Sorry for going on about this stuff and thanks for the understanding and non-flaming replies.

LegacyUser · 07-02-2010 5:03am

Sigh, I feel sick now

she came over tonight, we fooled around, all going well, things got hard when needed, penetration happened but after a few minutes, I went soft. Cue lots of silence, awkwardness. She was crying at one point too but me telling her that she wasn't the problem fell on deaf ears.

I started to feel physically sick, almost fell asleep then woke up again. I'm now watching tv in the hope I will feel better even though I feel upset and physically sick.

I don't know what to do. I'm thinking about giving her the option of walking away as I don't want her to feel bad about herself and I don't know what else to do. I feel like I can't cope anymore with this

LegacyUser · 07-02-2010 12:18pm

Ok it's morning time and I reckon we are finished. She left earlier when she wasn't supposed to. She seemed upset but I didn't know what to do or say. I think we both knew when she left that we probably wouldn't be seeing each other again, even though we barely said 2 words.

It's sad but I think it's for the best.

Thanks for all the help

botbot · 07-02-2010 2:18pm

it seems to me that you tend to get erect when what ye're doing is more related to intamacy than purely sexual..
perhaps it's the intamacy that you crave, so like others have said the more you get to know her and the closer ye become the easier this will get

good luck

botbot · 07-02-2010 2:26pm

sorry, hadn't read the last few when i posted that, but maybe it was the problem? sorry it didn't work out for you..

LegacyUser · 07-02-2010 3:01pm

You could be right SheRa, perhaps if we had waited, things might have been different. I was relieved somewhat last night when I was able to get hard without too much trouble. But a few mins after penetration, it went soft.

I also have to admit that once it did go in, I couldn't really feel much. I don't know if it was the condom, or perhaps I'm not thick enough or whatever. But I could feel little or no sensation at all.

I feel bad that she was upset, but I didn't really know what to say other than sorry and try to re-assure her that it wasn't her fault.

I also have to be honest and say that I had my doubts about the whole thing. She's a nice girl and we got on well. But for me anyway, I didn't feel a lot in the way of sparks and stuff. I wanted to give things a chance as it's been a long time since I was last with a girl (in any sense) so I didn't want to end things too soon as I'm almost a blank canvas when it comes to relationships and things like that.

However it's just over a month now since we met and I don't think its working (for me at least anyway). I think it's better that it ends now, rather than dragging it on and she gets more hurt. I really don't want her thinking negative stuff about herself as a result of me not being able to stay up etc. And to be honest, as frustrating as it was for me, all I could think about was the effect it was having on her. And I hated that I was causing her to feel bad, even if I was doing my best not to.

She seemed pretty upset when she left and I think the best thing I can do now is to just leave her alone.

Thanks again everyone.

LegacyUser · 07-02-2010 3:34pm

I might be slated for this, but I wonder if maybe you need to be with someone more understanding OP.

As a girl myself I get that it can seem personal if the guy isn't getting hard, but making a huge deal of it and crying isn't going to help things at all. In fact, it just puts more pressure on the guy!

Its not like you were doing it on purpose for gods sake!

Having been in a very similiar situation myself, met on internet etc ( but obviously the girl in the situation) I just said "Don't worry about it" and we fooled around, kissed etc instead. It happened a couple of times but I never made a big issue of it, sure there was that insecurity inside me that wondered is it me? is he just not attracted to me? But I never once asked him because all other signs pointed to him really liking me and sure enough it sorted itself out! In fact we have a pretty good sex life if I do say myself.

I just think in a situation like this a little understanding and patience can go a long way.

Monkey61 · 07-02-2010 9:04pm

OP I think she just wasn't the right girl. She doesn't sound very understanding at all...the crying and stuff...how awful!

You barely know each other; of course you aren't going to be relaxed around her, especially if she is doing nothing to reassure you.

It takes me ages to properly relax around girls in sexy situations no matter how much I fancy them. I was seeing a girl for a while that I really fancied, thought about all the time, loved all the hugs etc, got really turned on by it- but as soon as it came to sex, I just wasn't that turned on at all. Purely because I wasn't relaxed around her. I didn't know her very well; I didn't know where I was with her, didn't know what she thought of me and just hadn't got comfortable with her yet.

Even with my current girlfriend, who is totally lovely and mad into me, it took me ages to relax properly and the first few attempts at sex were an absolute disaster and not much fun for either of us. But, thinking about it now, we rushed into it waaaay too soon. Sometimes it just happens that way. But if you really like someone and they really like you then you can give yourself the time it takes to relax and be comfortable with eachother.

That girl just didn't seem willing to do that for you; so to hell with her. You just need to meet someone who likes you more, is more understanding and willing to hang in there until it all works out.

LegacyUser · 08-02-2010 8:11am

Thanks for the replies.

I feel the need to say that she wasn't in hysterics or anything like that and she never flew off the handle about it or anything, but when we were in bed I could hear her sniffling and could tell she was upset. When she left yesterday morning she seemed upset too but to be honest, I didn't know what to say or do and I felt like anything I said would just make matters worse.

She text'd me later on yesterday asking if I understood why she left and how she felt like crap after what happened in the bed. I said it wasn't her fault and it was mine and that she shouldn't feel bad about herself. I don't know if she believes me but I really don't know what else to say or do. She also said that she wouldn't have cared had we never had sex, if she had known where she stood.

To be honest, I would never put her in that position. I think it would have been incredibly selfish of me to expect her to keep seeing me, but to go without sex, even if we did other fooling around. And besides, it's not like I didn't want to have sex.

It was frustrating for me but my focus soon shifted from "why can't I do this?" to "She's going to feel even worse about herself if this doesn't happen". Also at the times it did happen, I'd say sorry and tell her that the issue is with me, not her and she shouldn't feel bad about herself. But she'd just go silent and wouldn't respond. I'd then go into a spiral of feeling bad about myself that I was causing her to feel bad about herself. So I suppose those things were putting more pressure on me.

Anyway it's over now and I think it's for the best. I'd been having doubts for a while and it wasn't really working for me. A month or so in, my feelings should have been developing but I was sort of indifferent about it all which was/is rare for me when it comes to girls. So in a way, perhaps this was a blessing in disguise.

thanks again for the responses.

Monkey61 · 08-02-2010 9:25am

MrUnreg wrote: »

To be honest, I would never put her in that position. I think it would have been incredibly selfish of me to expect her to keep seeing me, but to go without sex, even if we did other fooling around. And besides, it's not like I didn't want to have sex.

Just had to comment on this OP - you weren't asking the girl to go without sex forever. You had known each other for a month!!!! It would not have been selfish of you. Just to underline that because I fear that you are going to take things from this experience into your next relationship as well.

Nothing that happened was your fault. You did nothing wrong. The girl was insecure and did nothing to help you but that was HER own problem. Also to point out that penetration is not the be all and end all anyway. As long as you were getting her off by doing other things, it is not unreasonable to expect a girlfriend to wait a while for you to relax. If somebody really liked you they would wait for a while anyway. A couple of weeks is nothing.

sunnyside · 08-02-2010 4:16pm

I've just seen this and read it the whole way through from the start. Is it possible that this girl is just as inexperienced as you and is really freaked out because the sex isn't happening as easily as it does in the movies? She has no experience of such situations either, hence her bad reaction.

Sex can take a bit of practice to get comfortable with. Sometimes particularly with younger people both are learning together, taking things slowly and it's fine but if you put 2 completely inexperienced people together, neither of whom want to admit to this inexperience it can result in something like what you've described.

Sex puts people in a fairly vulnerabe position anyway so it's not the nicest situation to be in when it isn't working like it should, you're naked, don't know one another very well.

Maybe ye were trying to do things that neither of ye have the skills for yet. I'm female but I think it's true that touching yourself is different to having someone else touch you. Same result at the end but things like lots of trust are needed to let someone else make you climax.

extra-ordinary_ · 08-02-2010 4:58pm

Hi OP,

I'm not sure of your history - other than it's been a while, and you were with a prostitute at least once. Did you get and remain hard with the prostitute. It's not even about getting or remaining hard - did you feel horny with the prostitute?

You say you really liked the kissing and cuddling and that you were hard thinking about her when she was lying beside you asleep. This might indicate that you can feel sexy when nobody is watching, but you feel a bit nervous or inhibited in front of your partner. This is totally understandable, especially if you consider yourself inexperienced and presume your partner is more experienced.

It's also possible that you need more of an emotional connection with whomever you're intending to have sex with, in order for you to trust them and be relaxed and comfortable in yourself, to express yourself freely, and to feel uninhibited and less self-conscious. This is totally normal and don't give yourself a hard time for this and then quickly shift the emphasis onto the needs of your partner like you seem to be doing here. This is your need. You need to feel comfortable with a woman before you can have sex with her.
It sounds like you weren't comfortable with this woman and overlooked your own needs (possibly due to your inexperience), and put her needs and expectations ahead of your own. Sex is an intimate act between two people and it's possible you need intimacy on other levels before you can be intimate on a sexual level.

LegacyUser · 08-02-2010 5:03pm

I know I'm hugely inexperienced, but I know she's had a few partners. I don't know how many exactly (I didn't ask as I didn't want to know) but at least 2 or 3 I would reckon, probably more, based on stuff she's said. So I think the inexperience thing wouldn't be an issue for her.

Yeah it was awkward and uncomfortable alright. What I found strange was that I felt literally no sensation after penetration occurred. I'm not sure if it was the condom (Durex Performa) or perhaps I'm just not that thick or I'm more used to my hand (although I don't think I use a particularly tight grip). This wasn't me losing my virginity technically, but for all intents and purposes, it was my first time.

I think I would really have appreciated her being more relaxed and saying something like "Don't worry about it" etc. But the stone wall silence and awkwardness that would follow when things didn't work made me feel worse. Like I said at first I was annoyed that it wasn't working as it should, but it quickly became me worrying more about the reaction it was having with her. It was like my problem suddenly became her problem and the focus switched (in my mind at least) to the effect it was having on her.

It was annoying as obviously it wasn't like I was doing it on purpose. And I told her quite a few times that she wasn't the issue and not to think badly about herself. But the only reaction I would get was silence or a very unconvincing response that she believed me.

But I don't want it to come across like she was some awkward, demanding, unsympathetic woman as she's not. We got on well, similar sense of humour, but I think it was best that it finished. I'll admit that today I've been wondering if I did the right thing. But the truth is that while we got on well, my feelings weren't really developing and I didn't feel like it was happening for me. I felt myself still wanting to go after other girls and even though I didn't go after anyone or do anything, I knew that was a red flag.

We met up just over a month ago after having been in contact for a week or two before than online/via the phone. And after spending quite a bit of time together in that month, my feelings just weren't that strong to be honest. Don't get me wrong. I'm not particularly happy at the thoughts of her going off with someone else, but that's inevitable. Especially now. We'd never really had a discussion about whether we were bf/gf. I hadn't been with anyone else in the month or so that we were seeing each other and I don't know about her. I assume not anyway, although again I didn't ask.

Thanks again for the replies. Hopefully I won't have to wait as long for my next relationship (8 years) and hopefully things will work better next time as well. I think I might take it slower the next time too.

Contessa Raven · 08-02-2010 6:23pm

Hi OP.

I've been following your thread from the beginning and I just had to reply when I read these:

"But the truth is that while we got on well, my feelings weren't really developing and I didn't feel like it was happening for me. I felt myself still wanting to go after other girls and even though I didn't go after anyone or do anything, I knew that was a red flag."

"What I found strange was that I felt literally no sensation after penetration occurred. I'm not sure if it was the condom (Durex Performa)"

The first thing would be a red flag for me also. If you're feelings weren't developing or growing then that might explain why the problem didn't fully right itself. While you may have felt close to this girl perhaps you weren't close enough emotionally for your body to relax around her. People are incredibly vulnerable when they're naked but they are also incredibly vulnerable when they are emotionally attached to someone. Maybe your body was comfortable (which is why you could get erect) but your head was uncertain of how you felt (which might be why you couldn't maintain the erection).

As for the Durex Performa, I have used these with my OH before and he complained of his *ahem* going numb. When you read the back of the box/packaging it says that there is a gel on the condom that induces numbness so that you may last longer. That's what the purpose of those condoms is. So that could also be a factor in why you could penetrate but not sustain it. The non feeling probably caused your erection to go down.

LegacyUser · 08-02-2010 7:21pm

I think you might be close to the mark Contessa Raven. I did have my doubts about things and perhaps that contributed to the problem. As for the condoms, I do remember reading something on the back about it having some sort of gel or something to help you last longer. I know I've tried them on when playing with myself (sad I know

) and didn't really have any problems, but again I was using my hand.

I feel kind of bad how it worked out, but I'm hoping she's not too hurt. On the brighter side, I don't regret meeting her or any of the time we spent together. The last girl I really liked who I sort of got involved with (wasn't in a relationship with her, it was complicated) ended up hurting me quite badly and I have nothing but bad feelings and memories of her now.

But with the girl I've been seeing for the last month, even though it was awkward and uncomfortable, I still think positively of her and our time together. I got to spend time with her and kiss and cuddle which is something I haven't done in years. Although the sex side of things didn't flow so smoothly, I still managed to have fun and made sure that she was more than satisfied when we were fooling around. The problem mainly happened when she started to stimulate me and to go for penetration etc.

I also got to give her oral which is something I've always wanted to do but never really got the chance to do before. It's something I've always found a huge turn on, but had never got the chance to do as I'd never really been with anyone properly. I was a bit worried I was going to build it up in my head but that when I got down to it, I might not enjoy it. However in reality it turned out to be great and I loved doing it and I got quite excited and turned on myself just doing that to her. Bodes well for the future hopefully.

LegacyUser · 08-02-2010 8:35pm

hi OP,
I think this is a very common problem and someone hit the nail on the head when they said peoples view on sex is very influenced from the movies and doesn't show any of the awkwardness involved.
myself, I prefer when I know someone and I rarely enjoy sex the first few times with someone. Its better when you know their bodies as everyone has different turn ons. some people can just bed hop but you have to find whats right for you and go with that.
best of luck,
Oh and noone admits it but it happens to a lot of people. totally normal and you'll be fine

Embarassing issue

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