How to tell my ex I'm seeing someone else?

bbb1

I'm looking for some advice on how to tell my ex that I'm going out with someone else.

We were in a relationship for two years and things were great. But when I went away travelling I realised that they weren't as good as I wanted them to be. He was thinking marriage, the whole lot, but I was never quite as sure as he was. I travelled for about 10 months with a (female) friend and myself and my boyfriend agreed that we'd both be single, do our own thing, but with the intention of getting back together when I came home. We didn't agree to be single so we could both go out shagging other people, but we knew that drunken snogs could happen.

To cut a long story short, I met someone else. He's from the States and we spent a lot of time together when we were travelling. When I was about halfway into my trip in Africa I told my ex that I'd met someone and had strong feelings for him. I didn't go into detail and he didn't ask. But he wasn't annoyed with me, he just was glad to know what has up because he had sussed that something was wrong. That wasn't the reaction I'd expected and it ended up that we were still in touch for another few months. Eventually he got annoyed because I was saying I didn't think things would be the same when I got home. We ended it 'properly' last April and I returned home in September. We met up when I got home and I think he'd hoped we would get back together but even if the other guy didn't exist, I don't feel that way about him anymore. We've spoken twice since and it's been fine but I know that he was devastated by what happened. And I don't think he's over it yet.

The thing is, I'm now going out with the American guy and he is moving over here in a fortnight and we're moving in together in my house. As far as we're both concerned this is it. But I'm wondering should I tell my ex? We were best friends before we got together and I still have a huge amount of respect for him. He didn't deserve to get treated badly and I truly hope he meets a lovely girl and settles down. We have some mutual friends and I know he'll heard through the grapevine eventually about my new boyfriend. The question is, is it better to hear that way or for me to tell him? I'd asked some friends and because of our long history some said I should tell him. But others said it would sound like I'm gloating. We don't run into each other on nights out because we live in different towns so I'd have to ring him up and tell him. I'm hoping that some time in the future we could be friends again and I'm afraid that if I do the wrong thing now he'll think I'm a total b**ch and will never speak to me again.

Any advice is much appreciated

dolliemix

Don't ring him up specifically to tell him. It probably is the right thing to do but if I were your ex it would feel like an extra blow.

Maybe you could send him a text or an email, explaining that you're sending this as a text/ email because you're trying to take his feelings into account and you don't want him to hear it from other people. Let him know that you'd love to hear from him, so if he wants to call you or whatever thats cool.

bbb1

Good advice - thanks.

I'm just worried it's a little soon since we spoke about it in September. I know he had been hoping that by seeing each other it would ignite some sort of spark. Four months isn't really that long

dolliemix

To be honest there is no easy way for this to happen. You sound like you still care for him and he'll appreciate you giving him that respect down the line. It's probably a good thing as it gives real closure and he'll know that he has to move on with his own life. The fact that you've only spoken twice since September helps as well. It looks like he knows it's over but just needs to have his own space.

Wagon

bbb1 wrote: »

We don't run into each other on nights out because we live in different towns so I'd have to ring him up and tell him.

That's pretty bad. Leave him alone. He'll find out eventually anyway but i think he'll be able to get on with life. He doesn't need to be told by his ex that her new boyfriend is living with her. How can anything good come of that for him?

I'm hoping that some time in the future we could be friends again and I'm afraid that if I do the wrong thing now he'll think I'm a total b**ch and will never speak to me again.

When you broke up, this was always a possibilty. He doesn't have to remain friends and you should never expect him to be just because you have a long history. he's the one who got dumped so it's his decision if he wants to get back in touch. If not, tough. You've moved on so let him do the same.

Gyalist

You don't need to tell him anything . He's a grownup and will be able to deal with it.

I find it strange though that you claim to have a lot of respect for him yet you think that the best way to inform him is by text.

Bonito

You don't need to tell him. If he knows that you two are done and dusted then you'll only remind him further and hurt him by telling him you have found someone else. If he brings up the subject of you two getting back together or what not then you can tell him. But he'll be wondering why you're going out of your way just to tell him you're now with someone else when you two are over. It's need to know information and he doesn't need ot know this. If he knows you two are over and what not then he'll know you'll be eventually moving on. If he asks you tell him. Otherwise just leave him as he is.

MIN2511

I think you owe it to him to tell him that your new BF is moving in with you.. If you have any respect like you claim you do, you should do that. It would hurt him more if he hears it from the grapevine...

My 3c

Wagon

MIN2511 wrote: »

I think you owe it to him to tell him that your new BF is moving in with you.. If you have any respect like you claim you do, you should do that. It would hurt him more if he hears it from the grapevine...

They haven't spoken since september. I think the chap just wants his space. Her calling him will be a lot worse than hearing it through the grapevine.

MIN2511

Wagon wrote: »

They haven't spoken since september. I think the chap just wants his space. Her calling him will be a lot worse than hearing it through the grapevine.

They dated for 2 years have friends in common.
If she pays him a courtesy call and tells him she'd rather have him find out from her than their friends, I’d hope he'd appreciate it-I would.

He'd be immature and silly to think any more of it

LegacyUser

Do NOT contact this guy. It's an idiotic idea. He knows that you are going to be with someone else be it now or at another point. Having it highlighted for him serves no use. Telling him now might set him back further, if he was to find out by chance some how in a while then maybe he'd be further down the road to recovery and it wouldn't bother him so much. Also, he wouldn't have to go through the embarrasment of not knowing how to react when you tell him that you are with someone else. Texting/emailing would be disrespectful (it's like you're dumping a long range missile on him) and if you were to ring him or call over to him he'd be left trying to fight back his emotions and feeling like a humiliated fool in front of you. He won't want you to see him like that.

Munster_Gal

Gyalist wrote: »

I find it strange though that you claim to have a lot of respect for him yet you think that the best way to inform him is by text.

The OP didn't say anything about informing him by text. This was a suggestion from someone else!

Op,

Seeing as ye haven't really been in contact since September then I don't think you need to call him directly to tell him you're moving in with someone else. It sounds like even though you have friends in common there isnt' much of a chance of ye running in to each other so I think just let him find out by himself. If you were still in contact and saw each other occassionally it would be very different.
I understand that you still have alot of respect for him etc but I think why bring everthing back up, imo. :rolleyes:

G-Money

When I read the title of your email my first reaction was "Why do you even need to tell him?"

You sound like a nice enough girl but I think if you just phone him up to tell him you're moving in with a guy, it will seem like you are gloating and rubbing his face in it. Especially as it comes across like that is the sole intention of the call.

Like I say, you probably don't intend that but it will probably come across that way.

Also I think you need to accept the fact that you and he may not be friends again. I find that the person who moves on first, can quite often want to be friends but they don't realise or choose to ignore how painful it can be for the other person, to have them around but seem them off with someone else.

I don't know if your ex will want to be friends again and I think you need to accept that possibility and not make him feel guilty about it if that's what happens.

By all means if he calls you up or something or is trying to get back with you, tell him about this guy moving in. But if you aren't likely to see each other again out and about, you don't really have any reason to tell him I think. And even if you don't intend it to, it will seem like you are gloating and it will make him feel worse, especially if he hasn't met anyone else.

In my mind I would be thinking "Why the f*** did she phone up to tell me that he's moving in."

I'd say only bring it up if asked. But otherwise, leave your ex to move on with his life. Just calling him up to tell him will just make him feel 10 times worse than he already does.

Barracudaincork

Don't tell him, he doesnt need to know and he doesnt need to hear it from you. If he is going to be as upset as you seem to think he will be, then at least let him find out from a supportive friend, rather than a gloating ex, the man will have pride and you will damage it by doing this, whether you mean to or not.

It is nice you are thinking what is the right thing to do, fair play to you for that.

SarahSassy

I think your thought process behind it is kind and thoughtful but I don’t think I would like to be on the receiving end of that call.. I know you would not intend it to be but he could take it up as you being a ‘smug in a couple’ and that you are rubbing it in his face and / or that you are a bit patronising but assuming he would still care about your relationship status.. It also makes it awkward for him if he is upset. After you tell him, what does he say then? How does he recover and finish the call if he is upset? He may feel he needs to wish you good luck etc and think may be the last thing he wants.

Let his friends tell him. Its kinder even though your motivations are good.

bbb1

Thanks for all the comments. Judging from what people have said, I think it's best I don't say anything. I don't want to come across as a 'smug couple' but I'm also afraid of his reaction if he hears it from someone else. I guess I still feel guilty over the way things happened and that he was so hurt over it. I never had an intention of hurting him and I had a lot of sleepless nights over it. But at the end of the day he believed we had a future together and I didn't.

Appreciate the comments and different perspectives - will let him hear through the grapevine

Blazer

I'd tell him. Much better to hear from you than one of his mates.
One of my exes who I broke up with (i had broke up with her the first time/she did it the 2nd time) rang me to tell me she had got engaged.
Broke my heart but I still appreciated hearing it from her firsthand.
Today we're still good friends and chat via facebook etc..

tbh

basically, there is no right or wrong in this situation, everyone is judging it based on what they'd want or do for themselves. So basically, what it comes down to is this - if the shoe were on the other foot - if your ex had met someone - how would you have liked to be treated?

If you treat your ex the way you'd have wished to be treated, even if it makes you feel awkward or whatever, you'll have no questions to answer in the future.

The Nice Jumper

You may be overestimating his devastation. He had no qualms with the casual split-up for 10 months. I'd say he's only cheesed off that he's temporarily single. He probably would have left you eventually. If either of yours hearts aren't in it, there's no point in carrying it on. So, no need to contact him, let him get on with his own life.

Wagon

MIN2511 wrote: »

They dated for 2 years have friends in common.
If she pays him a courtesy call and tells him she'd rather have him find out from her than their friends, I’d hope he'd appreciate it-I would.

They broke up. That means they're finished. She doesn't owe him anything and neither does he.

He'd be immature and silly to think any more of it

Ah come on :mad: Bloke was dumped, she met someone else, she told him that there was no future after two years...and yet he's be immature and silly for being upset or thinking more about his ex and the new fella? No offence but that's pretty short sighted.

Berkut wrote: »

I'd tell him. Much better to hear from you than one of his mates.

Nah. He clearly wants nothing to do with her anymore so her ringing him and telling him...why? Leave the lad alone. If an ex rang me and told me she had met someone else id just think what was the point?

Pyr0

Don't tell your ex. Even if you think "it's the right thing to do" it's not, nothing good will come from telling him your new BF is staying with you for two weeks. Leave him be to move and and get on with his life.

bbb1

I see what you're saying Nice Jumper when you say I might be overestimating his devastation but at the risk of sounding big-headed, I genuinely think he thought we might get back together when I came home. He didn't stop me from going travelling because he knew it was something I had wanted to do for a long time. I wanted to go before I met him and therefore he was never part of the travelling plan. It was really important to me to go without a partner - not because I wanted to be with anyone else but because I know that when you go with someone you end up stuck to their side the whole time and don't make as much of an effort to meet other people. But I know that he thought we were going to get married some time in the future - and I'm guilty for not taking a step back sooner. His heart was absolutely in the relationship and so was mine - but just not as much. And I didn't even really realise that until I went away. And after going travelling I realised that the little things that didn't sit well with me were only going to get worse over time.

Anyway, I'll think about it some more and then make a decision. If he was just an 'ordinary' ex I wouldn't care. But he was a big part of my life for a very long time and at the end of the day I still really respect him

Wagon

bbb1 wrote: »

Anyway, I'll think about it some more and then make a decision. If he was just an 'ordinary' ex I wouldn't care. But he was a big part of my life for a very long time and at the end of the day I still really respect him

i hate to say this but i think you need to get used to the idea of him not being part of your life anymore. It doesn't seem like it's sunk in. You haven't spoken in months, i dont think he's interested in being friends with you.