Confront

LegacyUser

I was watching the rugby on tv this afternoon when i got a phone call from my daughter ,sounding all excited the first thing she tells me is ' I'm after getting a job but don't tell my mam'. She is 14 years old and knee high to a grasshopper ..so a bit taken aback 'I' ask her how she got a job,as i had only seen her yesterday. the story she then goes on to tell me is that a friend of her knows a Scottish guy and he has a stall in the market and will pay her 20 euro for the day and commission on everything she sells.

Now at this stage ..i start asking her who this friend is that knows this man that is going to give her a job and she starts to stutter and blurts out a name.. that I know and i say to her and how does so so(First name) know this guy and she gets annoyed and says not that so so, a different one ..picking up she is lying out through her teeth now, i say to her your lying and she hangs up.

I try to ring her back and get the number not available message..then resort to 'texting' saying that 'i will contact her nana if she don't answer the phone..she still ignores me ..so i resort to ,if you don't answer your phone ..i'll ring the social services and the guards right now.
after this she rings me back..

After more questioning, i get this out of her..she was in school this morning which is several miles from our town..she got the bus home and when she got off the bus in town,it started raining so she took shelter in a bus stop , she got talking to this Man and he ended up offering her a job.

Now as a man .. I can't for the life of myself see myself talking to a petite 14 year old girl that looks about 12 in a bus stop and as for offering her a job and then saying to me 'don't tell her mother' .
Well all i feel like doing is 'battering this guy' and ask questions later.
I am also thinking now that they might have exchanged numbers..so i'm worried about that as well.
I haven't spoken to the childs mother in 10 years and don't have a contact number for her
nor do i know where she lives but I do want to confront this guy next market day to see what the f..k he was up to.
What would you do ?

Victor

Do I get the impression that you and the mother are separated? How come you don't have contact information? Do I take it that the child's grandmother would have contact details?

Was 'don't tell ... mother' her talking or him talking?

The situation does sound odd, but if you don't have full information, I wouldn't over-react yet.

LegacyUser

Yes we separated before the child was born. The reason I don't have her contact details is we are not friendly,I use to have it years ago but she lost her phone and I never bothered asking for her new number but I do know the child's grandmothers number and she does have her contact details.

I rang my daughter again to ask her who's idea it was to not 'tell her mother' and now she's denying she said that and being all evasive and angry with me. She's saying now that this man knows all her friends and loads of people work for him on a market stall!!

So the story now is ..she got off the bus ,which is a three minute walk from the building she lives in, it was raining so she took shelter in a bus stop.. i don't think there is even a covered bus shelter in that area but she got talking to this scottish man who it turns out knows all her friends bear in mind that all her friends are 12 to 14 years old and he offered her a job.

I've asked her how was she to let this guy know that she was taking the job and she's saying 'through a friend of hers that he knows'.. I'm thinking that they definitely exchanged numbers now.

Motley Crue

mark 147569 wrote: »

so i resort to ,if you don't answer your phone ..i'll ring the social services and the guards right now.
after this she rings me back..

There's obviously something up with her relationship with her mother then? I mean, this seems like a treat that means something, so much so that it suggests the child is living in a house she shouldn't legally be? In any case I would suggest you get in contact with the mother.

In fairness, there are a few Scottish guys in the Market in Temple Bar every weekend, without naming names (because I haven't lived in the country for over 2 years) there are a few younger guys working on the stalls selling stuff....but I do think it sounds and looks like something odd.

LegacyUser

Ummmm.....sounds a bit odd to me too. Not getting into the in's and out's of your personal life, can you contact her grandmother and suggest she probe a bit into this? Sounds very strange to be honest. And if she doesn't want you to tell her mother, then she knows that she's doing something that her mother won't like, so she probably knows the whole situation is a bit off.

Can I just add that a threat like calling social services seems to be bit off too.....

Victor

I think you should sit down with your daughter and talk face to face. Explain that you would have no particular problem with her getting a part-time job, provided that it is above board. At 14, there are limits on the days and hours she can work. At her age, minimum wage is rather low.

Is there someone you can trust that can give her a part time job?

You also need to talk to her about secrets and honesty. Pretty much the only good secrets are things like surprises, e.g. a birthday present, which is a short term secret that should become open when the person gets their present and will no longer be a secret. Other secrets are usually there for the wrong reason, e.g. someone stole something. Separately there are private things, things that can be shared with immediate friends and family, but you wouldn't share with others or strangers, e.g. that time you fell down embarrassingly.

Also, let her know that honestly and openness on her behalf will be matched by increasing trust and support on your (both parents / and grandparents) behalf. She will become a young adult soon and you would gradually like to treat her as one.

---

OP, would you like me to move this tot he parenting board? http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=251 can still post there anonymously.

LegacyUser

I had reason to ring the social services after advice form the guards before. My daughter lives in a large flat complex in our town with her mother, who unfortunately dates a lot of men.Her mother is extremely moody,hence the reason my daughter confides in me with some things because she is afraid of her mothers reaction, this is one of the main reasons why I want to sort this myself.
We don't live in Dublin, we live in a city on the west side of Ireland.

My sister runs her own hair salon but has said that she is too young to have in the shop but she will give her a job next year when she's a bit older.

I will have a chat with her face to face about this some day this week but at the moment she ain't staying too long on the phone with me so i really can't say too much to her about talking to strangers and the dangers of meeting strangers behind her mothers back.

Victor you can move this thread if you think there is a more suitable area for it.Thanks

Victor

Moved from Personal Issues.

smelltheglove

I really think you need to look into this more. I had a little photo studio in an indoor market last year for a while. There weren't many kids working there, if there were they were working with the stall owner as Saturday was the busy day and on top of that all of them were related to the stall owners too. The impression I got from the market stall holders was that they keep it in the family, a lot of the income would go undeclared obviously and they were very secretive about how much they got in a day. I cannot imagine any of them approaching a kid at a bus stop.

I would be very wary of this, if I was you I would call the local gardai and mention the incident, it may be that it was an ex of her mother and this is why she didnt want her to know, it could be completely innocent but the only way to be sure is by checking it out. I hope for your daughters sake that there is nothing untoward going on but definitely chase it up, and try not to make an enemy of your daughter in the process, dont tell her you are chasing it up or she will not open up to you about any details.

we'llallhavetea_old

hi op,

this sounds very strange indeed. i would ring her grandmother and get a contact number for her mother. the only way of sorting this out properly (imo) is to build up an amicable relationship with her mam, then you both know whats going on in your daughters life.
just my 2cents.

Jumbo156

I haven't spoken to the childs mother in 10 years and don't have a contact number for her
nor do i know where she lives .
What would you do ?

My daughter lives in a large flat complex in our town with her mother, who unfortunately dates a lot of men

Am I the only one that finds this very strange???

we'llallhavetea_old

Jumbo156 wrote: »

Am I the only one that finds this very strange???

nope

LegacyUser

I think it would be a waste of time ringing the guards as nothing has happened and anyway I want to see this guy myself.I don't want to contact her nana either as she does not get on that well with my daughters mother..bit of friction between them over the way the mother is raising her daughter from what i can gather..and the last time i complained about something that i thought didn't seem right ,through text, she went to the guards ,crying her eyes out..showed the guard an edited version of the texts..guard rings me ..gives me an ear full.

i was a bit taken aback with this as there was nothing in the text's but complaints about her parenting and when i got to explain my side of the story..the guards attitude totally changed and he advised me to see my solicitor and to ring the social services.

@ Jumbo156
Whats strange at not talking to someone you despise..you don't know this woman, it's less grief for me if i don't talk to her.
Why would i mention that she dates a lot of men ? if you read up on child abusers..you will find that most children are abused by people known to them but others are abused by men that the mother brings into the home and this woman has a lot of boyfriends so this increases the chances of her child being abused as abusers look out for women like this who think they are exceptionally clever but in reality is as thick as a plank.

Jumbo156

You are missing my point :

I haven't spoken to the childs mother in 10 years and don't have a contact number for her
nor do i know where she lives .
What would you do ?!!

You don't know where she lives....fair enough

My daughter lives in a large flat complex in our town with her mother, who unfortunately dates a lot of men !!

But hold on , Now you do!!

eviltwin

My daughter isn't far off the age of the OP's and she'd be taking a job like this over my dead body!!

This does sound highly suspect so I would put your issues with her mum aside and get her contact details and tell her exactly what your daughter has said to you. The fact you don't get on or haven't spoken in years is irrelevant.

There is no way you should be keeping secrets like this. You know nothing about the job or the man who offered it..you don't know if he is on the level or some kind of nutjob but its not worth taking a chance over and it seems your opinion isn't going to stop your daughter so I don't think you have much of a choice here.

I'm sure personal differences aside her mother will appreciate that you keep her in the loop

enniscorthy

go for it mate do what you have to

mikemac

If you know where the mother lives and you know who she dates and how often she dates other men, how come you don't know how to get in contact with her?

And realy, you're separated 10 years and you're keeping track of her love life?
Once your daughter is looked after and safe it's not your business

Victor

I might know what street you live in without knowing what your house number is.

And some people have reputations.

But neither of the above is relevant to the thread.

LegacyUser

Jumbo156 wrote: »

You are missing my point :



You don't know where she lives....fair enough



But hold on , Now you do!!

I know the street but as for walking up and knocking at her door..I'd have no idea where to start.

@mikemac
We come from the same general area.. people talk..an example would be someone telling me .. I saw so so in town ,it looks like she has a new fellow , she has a reputation whether she knows it or not.
Another example is , I was walking past her house one day and she was outside with her latest fellow and one of the kids on the road runs over to me shouting 'So so ' got Another new boyfriend ( they could hear this) and i replied 'yeah I know' a bald fellow..he got dumped.I met her when she was seventeen and by then she had slept with more than ten guys ,she lost her virginity pre teen.So as far as I am concerned I need to keep track of what she is doing.
I don't think she is being looked after all that well,our town is my daughters playground and has been for the last few years, she always waking around on her own.
She gets landed here there and everywhere when her mother goes on holidays or on a night out.
And another thing that bothers me is that when the child is put to bed(she told me this) on many occasions she has heard men call and she can here hear whats going on.
So as far as I'm concerned i need to try keep an eye on her.