Problem Saying No

LegacyUser

This is more or less just a vent as I think it’s probably therapeutic for me to set down and separate the individual points that are bothering me rather than leave them all mixed up and festering in my head.



The gist of the matter is that I have a problem saying no to and disagreeing with people whom I’m friendly with. I have low self esteem so this difficulty I have is an aspect of that.



The current situation I’ll describe below is currently causing me aggro is illustrative of my “saying no” problem in general.



I am a member of a group – will omit details of the group itself for anonymity reasons – and we meet up socially for dinner every so often. I usually end up co-ordinating the arrangements in terms of group texting details to everyone as well notifying them of any information pertaining to the group business itself. This role as unofficial administrator for the group is fine with me in that it doesn’t take much effort and usually just involves a few group texts sent on the internet. Out of the group I would be more friendly with two women in it – let’s call them Ms A and Ms B - and the three of us have met up every so often too.



The thing with these two women is that Ms A has depression and for the last year or so has been very reluctant to leave her house to venture into town when Ms B would like for us to meet up. Ms A is very difficult to contact in this condition and usually doesn’t answer the phone or return calls even when she says she will. This did annoy me last year when it kept happening but then I just stopped trying to get in contact with her so that now I really just see her when she is in the group or during group activities. I don’t resent her for this and just accept that this is the way she is right now.



Ms B has issues of her own also and has not been employed for the last few years. She is prone to getting very irritated by the actions of other people and complains a lot about how people are not there for her when she needs them. When I am speaking to her and she says this to me I start feeling inwardly irritated myself but usually just skirt around it and avoid asking her to explain who she is referring to by this.



Two things she has done recent have really annoyed me but I have found it difficult to bring them up with her. One was when a member of the group was leaving and I was informally chosen to make a collection for a farewell present for her. I wasn’t really impressed by having to do this this but did it anyway and it turned out that I had to put money in for some people and then they would pay me back when we met up at the next group. So everyone did pay me back except for Ms B. Now it was just €5 but she acknowledged it herself that she owed it to me yet she hasn’t actually opened her purse and handed it to me! I have mentally registered this with annoyance.



The other thing is when we met up for Christmas dinner. Ms B arrived at the restaurant an hour and a half late and sat down at the table when we were finishing our dessert. She looked very irritated and hassled and I didn’t hear her actually apologise for being late but muttered something about the taxi driver not even knowing where the restaurant was. So the rest of the group had to stay in the restaurant another hour or so until she had ordered her dinner and dessert. Again I angrily noted this incident and her apparent nonchalance and in my mind I was thinking how utterly rude she was and yet outwardly I was smiling at her and being polite.



So here’s where my problem arises: yesterday I met up with her and she started going on about feeling let down by people and how irritated she was on the night of the Christmas dinner because people went home after their first drink in the pub after the restaurant and she said she felt alone. My heart started racing when she started saying this because I was so angry and inwardly felt that she was just being thoroughly selfish but I felt tongue tied about how I could say this without really upsetting her or starting a fight or having a sort of panic attack myself because I felt myself shallow breathing and my face reddening.



However I did ask her this time did she mean specific people in the group were letting her down and she said yes. So I said that I didn’t want her to think that I was having a go at her but she really can’t rely on other people to be there for her as they have issues of their own and that if she feels alone then why doesn’t she start organising a social event for the group herself instead of waiting for it to be done by someone else? My voice felt weak and wobbly when I said this and it felt very lacking in conviction to my own ears. This was all I said as I found it hard to breathe myself and I felt that my face had gone red. This did terminate the topic being discussed though as I had challenged her albeit quite feebly from my point of view and we moved on to talk about other things but I felt tense for the rest of the evening after saying what I had said



So we had some food then and she pointed out to me that she still owed me that fiver yet again she didn’t actually give it to me and I said nothing more about it. When we were going our separate ways she mentioned that it’d be nice for us and Ms A to meet up, before the next group and perhaps we could meet up at Ms A’s house because of her condition, so we could drive out to her. She said she’ll leave it up to me anyway I just said “ok” and tried to dodge my way out of that parting conversation without committing to having to do anything myself because the implication was that she was expecting me to call Ms A to find out if we could meet with her in her house and then I would be the one expected to drive Ms B out to Ms A’s house.



I walked away feeling like a wimp for not asserting myself with Ms B and for not properly confronting her about the things I really disagree with her on. Conflicting with these was a feeling that I had upset her and or created a strained atmosphere between us yesterday because I felt that if I had gone into more detail about the issues I had with Ms B then I would have perhaps become more nervous or angry and it could have lead to a fight.



I have resolved not to contact Ms B until I see her at the next group and will just try to not commit to whatever jobs or favours she attempts to pin on me. I don’t really enjoy being around her anymore as I feel tense because of these unresolved resentments I have bottled up.



This scenario it leaves me feeling dissatisfied with my own lack of assertiveness in saying “No” to something that I don’t want to do calmly and with authority without having to work myself into an aggressive attitude to feel able to do this. So I want to address this difficulty I have because the example I gave above is illustrative of problems I have in other areas of my life.



I think I’ve covered all the stops for that vent – thanks for reading!

Victor

ProblemSayingNo wrote: »

However I did ask her this time did she mean specific people in the group were letting her down and she said yes. So I said that I didn’t want her to think that I was having a go at her but she really can’t rely on other people to be there for her as they have issues of their own and that if she feels alone then why doesn’t she start organising a social event for the group herself instead of waiting for it to be done by someone else? My voice felt weak and wobbly when I said this and it felt very lacking in conviction to my own ears. This was all I said as I found it hard to breathe myself and I felt that my face had gone red. This did terminate the topic being discussed though as I had challenged her albeit quite feebly from my point of view and we moved on to talk about other things but I felt tense for the rest of the evening after saying what I had said

Don't worry on this point. The mere fact that you challenged her thinking is what is important. Sure you doubt yourself, but everyone does that. We are our own worst enemies in this regard.

Soulja boy

You have a problem saying saying no?
How about a date baby?

Victor

Constructive posts only please. It might be useful for you to read the charter.