Can a woman become friends with a man who fancies her in the hopes that it will fade?

LegacyUser

This is an age old question but this has been getting me down all day. I recently moved to a new city and have been slowly but surely making friends. I´m sure some of you know what it´s like if you move somewhere new; you tend to make friends with the first people that come along initially and then you finally find people you really get along with if you´re lucky. It´s a little harder to meet people you truely get along with as you get older (I´m in my very late 20s) and this is what really sucks about the situation.

Anyway, met a guy a few weeks ago from England and he´s one of the soundest, funniest, cleverest fellas I´ve met in a long time. We met randomly in a cafe and we bumped into each other a few times after that. We got on so well that I invited him to come out with a few of my friends one night before Christmas. He doesn´t drink but he stayed out with us all night and we talked all night and got on great. At the end of the night he walked me home and up until that point, I honestly didn´t think he thought of me in the other way but I had my suspicions when he suggested walking me home. I was a little drunk, he was sober and I don´t think I was being flirty, just friendly and particularly friendly I guess because we get along so well.

Anyway, we got to my front door and he went in for the kill. I was a little caught off guard and kissed him back briefly.

Now this is where it gets complicated and I know I´ll be accused of being a prick tease and leading him on and fair enough but I was trying to be nice and not bruise his ego and I guess I because I was caught off guard and I was a little drunk, I told him I didn´t want anything to happen and that I wasn´t looking for a boyfriend...but that I thought he was lovely and maybe sometime in the future when I get my head together.

But this is not true. I feel no attraction for him at all...I just like his company and would really love him as just a friend.

Fast forward to last night. We hadn´t seen eachother for a month because we both went home for xmas and we were busy etc. but we talked on Facebook chat and he asked me when he´d see me again and when we could we have our next "date" (that´s the word he used). I told him I WASN´T interested in a "date" but that we should meet up soon.

Soooo we meet up last night. I went out with his friends and once again he wasn´t drinking and I was (only 2 bottles of beer). We chatted most of the night and getting on as friends. Once again I wasn´t flirting...Im not the flirty type, just being friendly and I was hoping we could continue on as friends and forget about the kiss. When we left the bar to go somewhere else, I decided to go home as I was knackered...and he decided to go home as well (he lives close enough to my home). Im not niave and I had an idea of what was going to happen so I said that he didn´t have to go home just yet and I was fine getting home alone but he insisted.

So we were walking home towards my house, chatting away and I stopped at the crossroads and told him I was going home and I´d see him soon but once again he insisted on walking me home. I didn´t want to come across as presumptious so I agreed. As we were walking up the street, I blurted out half jokingly that I wasn´t going to kiss him again like the last time at the doorstep and he laughed and said he was cool with that. Walked me to the front door but still tried to kiss me. I told him that I wasn´t looking for anything with any man and that he was lovely and I genuinely hoped we could still be friends (I really, really meant it...the fella is sound as a pound). He said that he´d find it difficult as he fancied me and went in for the kill AGAIN and I ducked and went into my apartment.

So this is the situation: I would love this guy as a friend, he wants more and I also told him I was interested in anything with any man...when, in fact, I´m seeing someone here but didn´t tell him that. I guess without thinking it through, I still want this fella as a friend but if I told him I´d a boyfriend, I´d never hear from him again but if he knows he still might have a chance, I´d get to see him.

Now before the accusation come flying, I know it was selfish and I lead him on but I only realised that straight AFTER this happened. Today I realise I acted like a coward and I acted selfishly (I wasn´t thinking)but I did make it clear to him that I wasn´t interested in anything right now. I need some male advice here...is there any chance I could explain the whole situation to him and still have him as a friend or will I just chalk that one down as a lost cause? This guy is just deadly and it would be a real shame to have to say goodbye for good just because he fancies me. I´ve fancied one or two friends in the past but continued being friends with him ´till the chemistry finally faded. Do you think this is possible? Is it different for men?

I also think I´ve blown it by not mentioning the boyfriend from the outset. It wasn´t serious with this other guy for ages and we only agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend in the past week or so. I didn´t want to to mention him because I told this guy I didn´t want anything with any man before xmas and I was conscious of not hurting him slightly by telling him I´d met someone and now we´re going out.



Sorry if this is long and rambling....had 3 cups of coffee to get over the hangover and I´m a little jittery.

Would like to hear opinions here please. Thanks.

blaz

You want the male perspective, here it is. Not sure you will like it though.

It is quite simple: he fancies you, you don't fancy him. He hasn't realized this yet and just thinks you are playing hard to get. If you really like this guy as a friend and want to help him and not be selfish there is only one thing you can do: cut off all contact and forget him. He will never be your friend, because he fancies you and being "just friends" is the biggest kick in the face he could get.

liah

One of my current best friends fancied me for some time, but we worked it out and drew the lines and he's moved on a long time ago. It can be done, it might just take awhile.

Back Prince

You were hungover on two bottles a beer ehhh
Anyway best option as stated before was to cut all contact it aint going to happen. He'll tell you that you can be friends but in the end sometime later down the line he may still have feelings for you and it messes everything you's have built up so ye's are both going to get hurt

colly10

I don't think theres anything you can do in this situation but cut ties. I know I can become friends with someone I fancy anyway. The only girls I fancied and am just friends with now are girls I fancied when I was alot younger and spent large amounts of time without seeing them, this lad probably fancied you from the moment he saw you and is unlikely to ever see you in any other way.

That said, I could never be friends with an ex cause I would never see them in that way but it's possible for some people, lads in particular though find it difficult to change how they view someone

token56

Ok you realise you did wrong, but anyway this is still a tricky situation. Like you've said you have told him you are not looking for anything with any man and just wanted to be friends. The problem here is that he probably doesn't think its him and your just not interested in anything with anyone at the moment, when this is not true, like you said you have a bf. This may lead him to think there still might be a chance etc and he could hold on to this. If you want to remain friends he will eventually find out you have a bf and will probably get hurt when he does.

So what should you do? Well you know exactly what you would like, but he still doesn't have the full picture. You need to tell him everything, that you do you have a boyfriend, that its not that you are not looking for anything at all but you are just not interested in him in that way and probably never will be (I'm assuming this is the case). You need to forget about hurting his pride. After this, well the decision is up to him. He needs to decide if he can get over his feelings and just be friends. If he cant do this or you dont think he can, then its best to just cut ties and learn from you mistakes.

But most importantly I dont think its far to just leave things as they are, in the hope that the feelings he has will just go away, this unlikely considering he has already told you he has strong feelings for you and he doesn't have the full picture. You made the mistake of not being clear when the issue first arose and you have not since cleared it up fully.

DB10

Honestly from what you just said, it doesn't seem likely. And the longer you leave him thinking he has a chance the less likely it becomes.

I think the guy is probably planning on how to impress you and when the glass shatters I don't think friendship will be the first thing on his mind. I know you don't want to hear that but it is probably true.

LegacyUser

It depends on the people involved if you can be friends I think. I have a male friend who fancied me for a long long time. I always made it abundantly clear that I was not interested. But he stuck around. I was never really sure if he was over it, and there were times where it made me uncomfortable to be honest. It wasn't until I started going out with someone else that he finally got it. At that point our friendship seemed to change. Before he had been a lovely sweet guy. Now it's like he has to force himself to be that with me.

I think that if you would like to maintain a friendship with him long term you need to cut him off for the short term to get the hint and get over it. good luck.

tenchi-fan

I've been on both sides of this situation and it really isn't fun. When you like some one who doesn't like you back and you've been shot down too many times I find it's best to avoid the person until you don't like them any more ... and this can be a long time!

When the shoe is on the other foot, well at first it seems flattering that someone likes you even though you're not interested, and then it just gets a bit awkward. You just need to distance yourself from him because every time you arrange to meet him you are just leading him on.

redorblack

This old chestnut keeps popping up. Men and women just cannot be friends. Unless the girl is hideously ugly and theres no way on earth the fella would want to sleep with her. Ladies get a grip.

piby

Hmmm well as a guy I'm going to slightly disagree with some people here in that I do believe that guys and gals can be best friends. It all depends on the trajectory the friendship takes. In my case in the past there have been times when I have gotten to know a girl as a friend, then developed feelings for them at some point, only for these to fade completely. I suppose though the big difference is I never really acted on these though!!

In your case, however, he let his feelings be known not far from the get go. Even if he agreed to just leave it as friends the fact that he knows that you know the way he feels about you, and the fact that you kissed him and told him 'maybe in the future', means that he may always harbour the belief that somewhere down the line something might happen. So in this instance I'd have to echo what other posters have said it'd be fairer for the both of you in the long run if you just cut ties!

Elessar

The answer to your question is no, they cannot. Despite what others might say, the vast majority of the time (all of the time imo) men and women can only ever be truly friends if neither of them are attracted to each other.

If there is an attraction there the dynamic changes. In your case, whether you are aware of it or not, you are leading this man on and that is only the worst thing you can do. You need to be straight out and tell him you are not interested, you have a boyfriend and you need to start being less flirty. Flirty can equal friendly in a mans eyes. Just tone it down a notch.

It is still possible to remain friends with him. If he manages to get over you (which is entirely possible) and himself only ever see you as a friend. If that happens, and it can take a while, you can both still be friends. But quite often feelings will remain, deep down, and this is what complicates things and causes hurt, and broken friendships. No one can help how they feel.

Wagon

He fancies you, you like him as a friend. Thats not a friendship you two have.

Tell him you aren't interested, aren't attracted to him and apologise for knowingly leading him on and then let him decide what to do. If he wants to cut contact then let him.

And for gods sake, dont under any circumstances say "i like you as a friend" or "your like a brother to me". its a kick in the nuts to hear and i think if you say that to him you can kiss any chance of a friendship in the future goodbye.

LegacyUser

Ye I know about this stuff. Been in his position before. Seen it happen to other people.
I think you should be very clear with him what the situation is. He deserves that. Of course he thought you were worth a shot - you got on like a house on fire and he wont have had that with just anyone.
After that it is unlikely you will have a real friendship and he will probably cut ties. However he might fool himself into thinking its better to be friends than not have you in his life which probably wont be the right thing for him in the long run. Just imagine if you were in his shoes. Would you want to stay friends?

LegacyUser

As a previous poster said, men and women cannot be friends...

To imagine so is naive and fanciful. Opposites attract. The less attractive will always be attracted to the more attractive. To think that we can subdue physical desire because that physical desire is not convenient is folly.

Soul Stretcher

I don't think a friendship has much chance here.

I think you need perhaps to be more assertive and when a man "goes in for the kill", be firm and politely let him know that you're not interested. Telling this friend about your potential bf from the get-go would have given a friendship some hope as he would have to accept he wasn't number one in your life.

You admit deliberately giving him hope so you could trap him in the friend-zone which can only lead to friction.

Let him go - he deserves a woman in his life who feels passionately for him.

Don't patronise him if you talk about cutting contact. Just say sorry about the crossed-wires and wish him the best.

Good Luck with the new bf btw !

je suis awesome

yes i love a girl but would glady give it up to be friends with her for ever. sadly i dont think either will happen

JayeL

Just to add my 2c, you've handled this guy wrong and you now need to make things crystal clear. Guys cannot and do not forget they fancy someone. Maybe girls can but we can't. So if you went along with it, this is why it's still an issue.

I'd suggest firstly mentioning your boyfriend in passing, just to get that in the open. And at the next hint from this guy that he's interested, make it abundantly clear that even if you were single, he's not your type. The answer to the subject line of this thread is "absolutely not".

Sorry for all the fence-sitting :-)

Monkey61

You didn't really do anything wrong, except by telling him that you just weren't looking for anything at the moment. Now, everybody SHOULD know that that is just an excuse and always means "I'm just not attracted to YOU" but alas some people need that spelled out.

I would tell him straight that you have met someone else and decided to give it a go. That you would love to be friends with him but just don't fancy him. And that there is no way on earth that you can be friends unless he stops chancing his arm with you because friends don't do that.

I'm not a believer of letting people down gently in situations like this. I have been in that guy's situation many a time and I know how good people can be at hearing what they want to hear. A blunt - "I just don't fancy you" will save him a lot of torture. Without it, he will manage to convince himself that if only he can prove to you how much better for you he is than your boyfriend then one day you will choose him instead.

With a bit of honesty, chances are he won't want to be friends with you, but he might, and you might end up being great friends. People do get over things eventually - but the quickest way to do this is to accept that somebody doesn't fancy you and never will because as long as there is a glimmer of hope, people will keep fooling themselves. I am great friends today with at least three or four girls that in the past I was absolutely mad into and never thought I wouldn't be. I even live with one of them now. And the idea of fancying any of them is a bit horrifying.

Giblet

Tell him everything, it might hurt, but unless he knows 100% where he stands it won't work. He might decide that "Ok, it didn't work out, I still like her though as a friend"

Tell him that he's never to kiss you again. Let him know that you don't want anything to do with him except being friends.

The danger here is that a: You might lose him and b: He might try again (but if he doesn't drink, he has no excuse)

It's true that guys can convince themselves that any sign you show of affection or flirtatiousness means something more, but if you let him know that you might do that but it means nothing, then he has no reason to take it up the wrong way. The kiss and saying something might happen didn't help matters in his head I bet!

jokerrus

Not a chance!

I had the same problem and it turned out to be a disaster.
I loved that friend of mine and we were best friend and all.
However, reality is reality. We never got back talking even though we see each other in college EVERYDAY!!!.
There is nothing worse than that really.
All you can do is live ur own life while hoping the best for him/her.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hi OP

I dont know what you did that was so wrong tbh

So you were friends and then had a brief snog on your doorstep. You made it clear then that you weren't interested in anything else other than friends which he made out he was cool with. So you agree to go out with him as a friend and then he says he'll walk you home, but you dont want the awkward kiss scenario so you tell him you are fine to go on your own from a certain point, he says no, he'll walk you and the HE goes in for the KILL AGAIN!!!!

If anyone has done anything wrong it's him not respecting your wishes.

Sounds liek he is well and truly smitten. If it was me I'd be brutally honest, tell him that while you enjoy his company as a friend you don't appreciate him chancing his arm with you all the time (OK, maybe don't use that term of phrase) and say that you have no feelings towards him other than friendship.

He has over-stepped the boundaries IMO, not you.

As for whether men and women can be friends when the guy fancies the girl - I have to say not in my experience - it's always complicated and too akward.

sf xx

ETA*** Sorry, I skipped the bit where you said there may be a chance - hmmmm, puts a different perspective on things.... either way him walking you home the second time and trying to kiss you was a bit full on. Just be honest with him, OP. He obviously wants a lot more than you. Put him out of his misery so he can meet someone that wants him.

Thanks a million for all of your opinions...not sure I can multiquote because I´m unreg. I agree with everything everyone is saying here generally and I know I´m not the innocent party here...but I also don´t believe I was completely in the wrong. This post did hit home because I was thinking today, "How the hell did he get the idea that I fancied him back?".

Okay, I fecked up on the first meeting after he kissed me and completely caught me off guard. When I say the kiss was brief, it was very, very brief...a 5 second smooch on the lips minus tongues or any of that business...we didn´t even touch each other. If somebody says to me after that they think I´m lovely and they don´t want anything at the moment but perhaps in the future, I´d take the hint. Anyone with a hint of cop-on would, no? Am I being completely niave here or what? If I fancied the fella, I´d kiss him properly and not bother with the silly excuses. As far as he knew, I´m young, free and single so what´s the problem? I told him I didn´t want a date when he suggested it and went out with him and his group of friends, I told him at the cross roads I´d walk home alone from here and I told him again as we approached my apartment that I wasn´t going to kiss him....yet he still tried to kiss me. Twice. This is not the kind of response you get from someone who likes you.

And the plot thickens. He phoned me at some really odd hour on Sunday night while I was asleep trying to get some kip for an early start the following day. I didn´t answer his call. I didn´t mention in my original post that we work for the same company (I found this out after meeting him a few times and before the kiss) but that we work autonomously and travel around the city independently BUT I bumped into him twice already today. The conversation was just general chit-chat and a little awkward but more on my part as he´s a pretty confident fella or is able to pretend he is at least and I still have the mentality of a teenager when it comes to these types of situations. Turns out we´ll be working in the same building every Tuesday and Thursday from now on right next door to each other. I mentioned to him today that he phoned me at some ungodly hour on Sunday and he got a little embarsassed and was giving it the, "Oh did I?" business.

To be honest, without blowing my own trumpet here, this guy clearly fancies me and I don´t think there´s a chance of friendship. The vibe I got from him today was that he still likes me, which makes me feel uncomfortable...too uncomfortable for us to consider each other friends. I don´t get a ego boost from it whatsoever because it´s not reciprocated in the slightest ... (obviously it´s not horrible to hear that a guy likes you...but that lasted all of 5 minutes for me). It´s a real pity as he´s still a lovely guy and I don´t blame him for having a crush on me and acting accordingly and I guess as someone said, he was probably being selective in what he remembered...I´ve been there myself. Haven´t we all, I suppose.

Thing is....I honestly didn´t give him any reason to believe I fancied him when I met him first. I know men mix up friendliness with flirting (WHY??? flirting is flirting, being friendly is being friendly) but if you had a look at me being friendly....well I personally wouldn´t mistake it for flirting. End of the day, I have to tell him the truth next time I see him. He deserves that instead of me being all elusive and coming across as playing hard to get. I´m not that much of a drama queen. I´ve learned a lesson from this and that´s to be more assertive and up front when it comes to this type of thing or it´s not fair otherwise. Time to be an adult about this type of thing, I suppose.

It´s just a pity that a potentially great friendship is ruined over a couple of hormones. I rarely say that about people I meet and without sounding like an outdated hippy...but we had a connection. The world is full of crashing bores...and he wasn´t...or isn´t...one of them. :-(

Thanks everyone...

Liam Byrne

Coffeeoverload wrote: »

He said that he´d find it difficult as he fancied me and went in for the kill AGAIN and I ducked and went into my apartment.

So this is the situation: I would love this guy as a friend

Why ? You said no and he still - as you put it - "went in for the kill AGAIN".

He didn't respect your wishes. Doesn't seem to be "sound as a pound" to me.

Why do you want him as a friend ?