BF's married friend

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this one cos OH uses boards also.
So my bf of 1year and a half has this married friend (girl) from his home town who i've never met. He claims to be friends with her husband more than her but the thing is she texts him at least 10 times everyday and he answers her.
There are no texts from the husband.
i wasn't worried about it before but a mutual friend (girl) has told me that before he met me they all got drunk at a party and he ended up staying at this married womans house. She gave my boyfriend oral sex while husband was passed out drunk upstairs. She told me that this woman always tried to initiate things with my OH when her husband wasn't around.
Now obviously i have no bearing on what my OH did before he met me, but why so many texts??
there was also one text he sent her at xmas saying "i would have came to visit you if my GF wasn't with me but now i've no time"...
he sent this message and put the phone on the couch & didnt clear the screen. i saw the text when i sat on couch.
How the hell do i confront this???? my head is wrecked but i haven't said anything to him about it yet... just trying to figure out how to broach the subject... any ideas welcome please!!

Bonito

overreactor? wrote: »

Going unreg for this one cos OH uses boards also.
So my bf of 1year and a half has this married friend (girl) from his home town who i've never met. He claims to be friends with her husband more than her but the thing is she texts him at least 10 times everyday and he answers her.

If they're just friends I wouldn't worry. If he hasn't seen her since being with you then there's no fear of him having cheated on you.

There are no texts from the husband.

If he claims the husband is more of a friend and there's no texts from him then I'd start asking what's going on.

i wasn't worried about it before but a mutual friend (girl) has told me that before he met me they all got drunk at a party and he ended up staying at this married womans house. She gave my boyfriend oral sex while husband was passed out drunk upstairs. She told me that this woman always tried to initiate things with my OH when her husband wasn't around.
Now obviously i have no bearing on what my OH did before he met me, but why so many texts??

What he done before getting with you is irrelevant to your relationship. Don't bring this up with your BF unless your female friend can prove this.

there was also one text he sent her at xmas saying "i would have came to visit you if my GF wasn't with me but now i've no time"...
he sent this message and put the phone on the couch & didnt clear the screen. i saw the text when i sat on couch.

The fact he was referring to visiting HER and not THEM (the married couple who apparently both are friends but the male being a better friend) would set alarm bells ringing big time if I were you. Also the fact that he will only visit HER without you is a bit disturbing. If they're only friends why can't he bring you along? I'm sure you've introduced him to your circle of friends - both male and female.

How the hell do i confront this???? my head is wrecked but i haven't said anything to him about it yet... just trying to figure out how to broach the subject... any ideas welcome please!!

Well first think about what you're confronting. The fact he says the male is his friend but it's the female he always texts? The fact that you have heard stories of her coming on to him and giving him oral? The fact a friend has given you this info? Or is it that you think he is cheating on you with this married woman? I can only give advice pending on what you want to confront about with him.

NoQuarter

overreactor? wrote: »

there was also one text he sent her at xmas saying "i would have came to visit you if my GF wasn't with me but now i've no time"...

Alarm bells...

dolliemix

Texting ten times a day is a bit excessive imo.

That would ring alarm bells for me. What the fk are they talking about? Does he get the text and say nothing to you or does he say 'oh x says she went to Superquinn today'?

Tell your bf that you find it a bit strange that they text each other so much. How would he feel if you were texting somebody else ten times a day? If that were the case how would you feel if he asked you what was going on? Personally, I'd think it would be fair enough.

It might be nothing but at least your bf can explain that then. There's nothing worse than that craziness going on in your head.

I feel for you OP. It sounds like you're trying to respect your bf's space and privacy but he may not be acting so respectful towards you

LegacyUser

Hi OP here.
I don't actually think he's cheated on me with her because he doesn't go home very often except for xmas really.
the thing that bugs me is exactly what Bonito suggests... why he's texting about visiting HER and not THEM.
He took me to his town for xmas and brought me round to all his other friends houses but why not bring me along to hers if there's nothing to hide?
I know that she knows about me but i don't think that would matter to her seeing as she doesn't seem to be too bothered that she has a husband herself.
He has told me about her texting him all the time but he goes on as if "oh she's texting me AGAIN"... yet he answers all of her texts straight away.
If her texting was annoying him surely he wouldn't write back.... i know that's what i'd do.
My friend was in the house on the night in question and she sort of walked in on it so he knows what she saw.
But i don't want to get her into trouble and i don't think she has any alterior motive for telling me, she only told me cos we were talking about this woman and i told her i was annoyed that she's texting my OH so much, then she came out with that. Kind of shocked me that my OH claims the husband is such a good friend of his and yet he'd do this with his wife!!
I want the texting to stop or at least get a reason why he wouldn't bring me to visit her house like he did all his other friends houses...
how do i do that tho!!?

Bonito

overreactor? wrote: »

Hi OP here.
I don't actually think he's cheated on me with her because he doesn't go home very often except for xmas really.
the thing that bugs me is exactly what Bonito suggests... why he's texting about visiting HER and not THEM.
He took me to his town for xmas and brought me round to all his other friends houses but why not bring me along to hers if there's nothing to hide?
I know that she knows about me but i don't think that would matter to her seeing as she doesn't seem to be too bothered that she has a husband herself.
He has told me about her texting him all the time but he goes on as if "oh she's texting me AGAIN"... yet he answers all of her texts straight away.
If her texting was annoying him surely he wouldn't write back.... i know that's what i'd do.
My friend was in the house on the night in question and she sort of walked in on it so he knows what she saw.
But i don't want to get her into trouble and i don't think she has any alterior motive for telling me, she only told me cos we were talking about this woman and i told her i was annoyed that she's texting my OH so much, then she came out with that. Kind of shocked me that my OH claims the husband is such a good friend of his and yet he'd do this with his wife!!
I want the texting to stop or at least get a reason why he wouldn't bring me to visit her house like he did all his other friends houses...
how do i do that tho!!?

Straight out with it Op. Ask him, calmly, what is going on. No answer? Walk. If he has nothing to hide he wont mind the question. Also so he doesn't blow everything out of proportion let him know that you trust him but you want to know why she's constantly texting. Why his male friend doesn't text him. Why he continues to text her if she bothers him so much.

If he is serious about you two then he will understand why you are uncomfortable with this and he will do what he has to in order to stub this out. This sort of behaviour between 2 people who are married or even in any sort of relationship is not on!

sunnyjim

overreactor? wrote: »

the thing that bugs me is exactly what Bonito suggests... why he's texting about visiting HER and not THEM.

Even guys who are best mates don't bother text each other, even if miles apart. She might be relaying the banter to her hubbie every now and again - "oh, X was slagging you off again" and so on. I moved away a while ago and the only time I bothered contact the guys was to organise a pub session for when I was back etc! Just the way some guys can be.

Texting ten times a day is a bit excessive imo.

I might only be texting someone for half an hour before I realise I have texted about 12/13 texts, some people just go abck and forth easily.

dolliemix

sunnyjim wrote: »

I might only be texting someone for half an hour before I realise I have texted about 12/13 texts, some people just go abck and forth easily.

Fair enough - I would just pick up the phone if that was the case! But thats just me

martdalto

I might only be texting someone for half an hour before I realise I have texted about 12/13 texts, some people just go abck and forth easily.

Yeah, but there's not many people that would text EVERY day (and certainly not that many texts!) I have a best friend, I don't text her that often.. !!

OP - As you said yourself, I doubt there's anything going on between them.. BUT.. I'd guess intention is there.. on her part anyway. Does she always initiate the texts? Does he ever text her first?

By the way.. the text saying "I would have called to see you..." etc? It's possible he meant you (pl).

Just come straight out and ask him - you are with him long wnough now to be able to talk. Next time he says.. "Oh she's texting, AGAIN" Just say, "Well why do you keep replying?!

Tell him it is possible to let someone know that you're are not up for long discussions, by still replying to a text but ending it with "Talk to you soon". People usually only keep replying if texts are left open ended.

And ask him why you didn't call to see his friend (her husband) over Christmas? Tell him you went to all the other houses, it was just strange not to go there...

Although if the wife has given him oral sex, maybe he was doing the decent thing, by not sitting there pretending to be his mate?! (Although it would be interesting to see how he answers that one!)

Good Luck anyway.

SarahSassy

martdalto wrote: »

By the way.. the text saying "I would have called to see you..." etc? It's possible he meant you (pl).

I would have thought this too...

My concern though is that he is staying in very regular contact with the wife of his friend who previously came on to him and gave him a bj... Do remember OP as well that he let her do this to him so neither of them are innocent in that mess.

I think he likes the ego boost and tbh may be keeping her sweet for a repeat performance at some stage.... What do you think?

Riskymove

overreactor? wrote: »

Going unreg for this one cos OH uses boards also.

Just a note of caution

I dont think it would be too hard for him to recognise the situation if he reads this thread!

Danniboo

OP, to be honest i'm suprised you're writing this post instead of packing his stuff up. Lets weigh up the facts:

1. BF claims the husband is friend, yet has cheated with his wife on him.

2. BF only refers to visiting HER and we know he doesn't give a **** about the husband.

3. BF told her if you weren't around he would have visited her.

4. You have never met her and he doesn't bring you on these visits.

5. You know they have been together before

6. Texting 10 times a day

I actually can't see what your questioning here OP, if he can do this to his mate why would you think he wouldn't do this to you. Sorry to be blunt but I would be long gone.

The Nice Jumper

10 texts a day, she blew him when the husband was passed out upstairs. There's obviously something going on.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys... i guess i just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt seeing as the incident happened before he ever met me.
I've known about the texting for a while now and it bugged me a bit but i thought, hey if they're just friends, who am i to stop him.... i only found out about the BJ recently and it's knocked me for six! i'm really shocked that the guy i thought i knew so well could do something like this with his friends wife.
She's obviously a ska*k who's out to get what she wants but yes that's exactly my problem, like somebody said - He LET her do this!
I confronted him about the texts yesterday - as in "why so many?"... he said "oh were just friends" so i said "well you're always complaining when she texts so why do you bother writing back?" and he just got all defensive as if i was being unreasonable to suggest something was going on.
The only way i'll get answers is by telling him what i know.
i have to ask my friend if that's ok with her (but she doesn't want to be involved)
My head is fried, i really love this guy. aaahhh!!

The Nice Jumper

overreactor? wrote: »

The only way i'll get answers is by telling him what i know.
i have to ask my friend if that's ok with her (but she doesn't want to be involved)
My head is fried, i really love this guy. aaahhh!!

You could give him an ultimatum. You or her kind of thing. Your bf's seed may be the most sought-after of the tribe, so to speak. You could warn the rival woman off by threatening to tell her husband. She might back off then

Memnoch

At this point the only course of action that will give you any peace of mind, one way or the other, is total disclosure.

You don't have to tell him how you know about the BJ. If he pushes you on it, just say you are certain and you aren't going to reveal your sources and as far as you're concerned it's irrelevant to the discussion.

Make it clear to him that you do feel very strongly for him but that you feel you are justified in having these concerns and that you need him to address them. If he doesn't like it, tough.

Be honest and forthright and expect the same from him, only then will you be in a position to make an informed choice.

SarahSassy

overreactor? wrote: »

i was being unreasonable to suggest something was going on.

You are no being unreasonable but you are in a horrible position.... Best of luck - you know what you can live with or not but I do think, at minimum, he is enjoying the attention.

seahorse

overreactor? wrote: »

..he just got all defensive as if i was being unreasonable to suggest something was going on.

He wasn't getting defensive for nothing.

overreactor? wrote: »

The only way i'll get answers is by telling him what i know.

Yes it is, and if I were you I'd just get on with it. (That's assuming I'd even want to stay at this point, which I seriously doubt.)

Basically you're letting the pair of them take the piss out of you and it's high time you did something about it. If he were taking a trip home alone this weekend where would that leave your head? How can you continue a relationship under these circumstances? Anything could happen because as you say yourself if it didn't bother either of them that there's a husband involved they're not going to worry about a girlfriend either.

Personally, in your shoes, I don't know if I'd give him the effort. I think I'd feel too disrespected at this point; and as for her, if I knew some woman was trying to take the piss out of me by scoring my bloke under my nose it wouldn't cost me a thought to drop her in it with her husband.

Riskymove

seahorse wrote: »

Personally, in your shoes, I don't know if I'd give him the effort. I think I'd feel too disrespected at this point; and as for her, if I knew some woman was trying to take the piss out of me by scoring my bloke under my nose it wouldn't cost me a thought to drop her in it with her husband.

OP, this attitude may well be appropriate but really there are too many gaps in plain old facts

as you say, he was single when this previous incident apparantly happened and apart from the seeming disrespect to his so-called friend the husband, he was free to do that to a point. Even then we do not know if the husband knows or cares etc, strange things can go on in marriages in that regard!

He obviously has a close relationship with this woman, but there is no evidence that he has in fact cheated on you.

as others have said you need to clear the air about this matter with your BF

martdalto

Just another thought OP - you know something happened once. Only because they were caught once. I may be way off - but I'd guess they were very unlucky to be caught the only time it happened.

I'd also guess that's the reason he doesn't go visit his "friend". The fact that they did it while the husband and other people were in the house, to me would suggest it wasn't the first time, and they were getting a bit careless thinking, it's more exciting and they've never been caught before.
I have a "friend" who had an affair - the longer it went on, the more careless they got about hiding it.

I am probably really, really wrong, but it is something else to consider.

So yes, while what he did before he was with you should be none of your concern.. what he did with the wife of his friend (who he is in constant contact with) should be your concern, and at this stage I would almost class her as an "ex"? So it's very disrespectful to you to be in such close contact with someone you've had a sexual experience (relationship?) with while going out with someone else. Even if you didn't know about the BJ - you still wouldn't be comfortable with the level of contact between them.. and you would be within your right to be uncomfortable with it.

I'm with the posters who are saying why are you still there... because by not telling you he was with her, he is in effect lying to you. Now before anyone jumps on me saying he doesn't have to tell her everything he did before he was with her.. I AGREE! BUT... I think if he is still in very regular contact with someone who he previously had a "thing" with, then he is deceiving OP by pretending nothing happened. Although I understand why he's not going around announcing it!