hen night

amilo38

my wifes youngest sister is having a hen night soon . they are staying away for weekend. my wife is cheif bridemaid. i am not happy about this as i am concerned that my wife will be pushed into cheating on me .we are married 15 yrs with 3 children. her family believes she can do whatever she wants and go out whenever she wants. she is not a good wife and not a great mother either. i firmly believe that my wifes family will set her up to cheat. they are only doing it to get one up on me. they dont care about me or children. i have always been good to her, i dont drink or smoke and am not let go anywhere. i really want to get away from her but she has ruined my life.

what should i do

Contessa Raven

Hi OP,

I'm sorry but i don't understand how anyone can force anyone to cheat. If your wife wants to cheat she will do it whether on a hen night or not. And to be fair she is entitled to go out and do as she pleases (though if it's affecting her relationship with her husband and children then there's obviously a problem there).

If you are concerned for the children then perhaps you could sit your wife down and talk to her about your worries. Tell her that the kids miss their mother and that you would like to have a lads night out. If she refuses, put your foot down.

I am also having a hard time believing that her family would set her up to cheat. If they would then they really obviously don't care about the children as they would be encouraging your wife to tear the family apart.

The only thing I could suggest would be marriage counselling. Somewhere like Accord would be a great help. However, if you don't wish to stay within this marriage then you should seek legal advice and leave. Don't stay together for the children. They won't thank you for it. If you have been having problems for a long time then chances are they already know something's wrong.

I hope you find a way to either repair the damage to your marriage or to find the courage to get out and be happy (for you and your children).

jazzlewazzle

sounds like things are not good between ye anyway - am i right?
if so, this is not a good way to live - life is too short..
ye prob need to work on what is really wrong in your relationship if ye want to be happy together..

amilo38

amilo38 wrote: »

what should i do

You should address the REAL issues here:

amilo38 wrote: »

my wifes youngest sister is having a hen night soon . they are staying away for weekend. my wife is cheif bridemaid. i am not happy about this as i am concerned that my wife will be pushed into cheating on me .we are married 15 yrs with 3 children. her family believes she can do whatever she wants and go out whenever she wants. she is not a good wife and not a great mother either. i firmly believe that my wifes family will set her up to cheat. they are only doing it to get one up on me. they dont care about me or children. i have always been good to her, i dont drink or smoke and am not let go anywhere. i really want to get away from her but she has ruined my life.

amilo38

her family really want to hurt me and if my children and my wife get hurt too, well to bad. she has had the upbringing that she can do whatever she wants. her family have control over her and always will have. when my wife will have drink taken,(she normally doesent) and the family have a man set up to come on to her , i think she will cheat. my wife loves attention as do all the sisters, they need to be centre of attention.
the final point what happens with the family etc etc stays with them.
i will never know what happened

metrovelvet

why do you care if you cant wait to get away from her and she ruined your life?

MissFlitworth

amilo38 wrote: »

her family really want to hurt me and if my children and my wife get hurt too, well to bad.

i will never know what happened

Then how would their plan to hurt you work? and is your wife some kind of puppet that if her family decide that you need to be hurt and her cheating on you is the way to do it that she'd just rock along with it?

Honestly, if you really feel that your wife is a bad mother and a bad wife and that her family would pimp her out to upset you then start working on getting legally seperated

amilo38

yes i thin puppett is a title thats good.

do you think i should start legal proceedings and get divorce.

this is just the kick start it needs. i have footed the bills for everything and i am just sick of it.

my own parents just dont want to know about it ?

Kimia

OP you actually sound very controlling and as if you want to cut all your wife's relatives out of her life because they are a bad influence. How random and strange you think that their mission in life is to get her to secretly cheat on you to hurt you.

By the way your wife should be allowed go out whenever she wants, as should you. I agree with her family - she is entitled to go out whenever she wants and that doesn't make her a bad wife or a bad mother.

You don't sound like you love her at all, only that she is your property - that's the feeling I get from it anyway. If you don't care about her and she has 'ruined' your life, why do you care if she cheats?

amilo38

i am not allowed to go anywhere. she controls the household finances. my best friend doesent contact me anymore because i nver can go out. my wifes sister (one who is getting married )had affair tried to stop my friend s wedding 1 wek before it. my friends family dont speak to me now because of them. the house we live in is in risk now because my wife is not paying the rent, even though i have given it to her beforehand.i am like a prisoner i cannot go nowhere


she can go out if she wants , shes a free person, but so will i go when i feel like it . there is always 2 sides isent there ???

krudler

If you're that unhappy and you want to get away from he, then what do you care if she cheats? if she does then thats more leverage for you in a divorce if you want custody of the kids I'd imagine

amazingemmet

Hire a private detective to follow her on the night then if she does cheat you'll have some evidence

Lollipops23

OP do you equate her going out and doing her own thing with what you call a "bad mother"?

As said before, you're both adults,you're both allowed to do what you like,including going on hen nights etc. The whole thing with her sister and your best mate had nothing whatsoever to do with the pair of you.

If you simply don't love her,don't trust her etc then perhaps it's time to re-evaluate the relationsip. However, don't try to tarnish her image and repuatation by telling everyone she's a cheating hoe when you've nothing at all to go on. It almosts sounds like you're hoping she'll cheat on the hen,just so you've an excuse to dump her.

miec

i am not allowed to go anywhere. she controls the household finances.

How does she stop you? If she has not paid the mortgage why don't you insist that you pay the mortgage? Why are you being so passive in this? It sounds to me that you imagine your wife may be unfaithful to you because of her family, has she ever given you reason to be unfaithful to you?

magneticimpulse

You wives sister is getting married...so she is not single and must be in some sort of grown up commited relationship to be taking this step.

Your wife is married to you. Chances are the rest of the women going on the Hens night are married too. So why would you think because your wife is on a night out she would cheat?

Im young free and single and I go out nearly every weekend. I find it hard to go out and meet a man. Its not all that easy even if you are single. Add marriage, husband, childrean mortgage etc.

I will be going on a Hens night in April (my 2nd one ever), too be honest im dreading having to wear any tacky clothes and "look like a hen party". The people im going with are prob all over 30. So its not like we are in our teenager years. There will prob be mothers around as well, i dont know how these things work. Its definitely not a night you choose a night to pick up a man. Its all really tacky and cliche. Im going as I was invited and I will just know the bride to be, but doesnt mean its going to be the best night out ever, prob be disappointment more than anything as they prob wont let us in anywhere.

If your wife has a tendancy to cheat, its not going to be a hen night that does it. Why would she have got married if you think the 1st chance she gets to go out she is going to pick up a man? You have trust issues and theres more problems to this marriage than just a hen night. You dont seem to love her at all. Why dont you spend less time blaming her for something she has not even done night and use that time to change yourself and be more positive about the marriage? Give her a reason not to cheat, dont push her into cheating (which you are giving the vibe now). Spice up your marriage, bath, candles, weekend away in Paris or Rome.

If you cant make any of this effort for your wife or kids. Or to do relationship councelling. If you dont want to trust her or compromise anymore, then maybe the marriage is over and you should start a new life (but at least try the above before giving up).

amilo38

my best friends family dont talk to me anymore because of my wifes sister. she nearly stopped his marrige 1 week before the wedding. my friends mother called to my house and asked my what was going on with her son and my sister in law. i said it aint got nothing to do with me.

this sister in law has broken me and my wife apart before so im sorry but we dont get on any more. thats the way it went.

anyway i have heeded the advice i been given, i have been told what to do for 2 long, and i am making changes for myself. i aint a child and not going to be stuck in the house all the time when she is out having a good time.i have moved into the spare room for the moment. i have also removed my wedding ring. we are just not compatible so its time to call it a day.

magneticimpulse

this is fair enough you made this choice.

Did your friends wedding go ahead in the end? i get the impression yes. is he still happy married? i presume the answer is yes. therefore besides your feelings no real damage is done and it should be left in pandora's box. its in the past! also it takes 2 to tango. So whatever she did (sleep with him or whatever). It was equally your friends fault to go ahead and sleep with her. So they share equal responsibility for their actions

Plus your sister in law is not your wife, 2 different people. Nobody says you have to get on with her. Just agree you dont. Hell alot of people dont get on with their in laws. No need to hold it against your wife. Your wife didnt nearly destroy your friends marriage, it was the sister in law. Ive no control over my brothers actions, i barely get on with him...doesnt mean future boyfriends should judge me on my brother.

You just sound like your in a big sluk over the whole thing. Taking off your wedding ring over a Hen's night? Again there is no evidence that your wife has cheated on you or ever will. Your arguement sounds a bit childish so far. You say you dont want to be treated like a child anymore, but your actions sound abit immature.

At least consider your children, and what a divorce could do to them, to their studies, to their future careers? I think at least Relationship councelling should be attempted. To get the communication flowing. I dont understand how you can be in love with someone, marry them and have children together and throw it all away. (ive never done these things), but there must have been love and respect there at some stage. There must be things you liked about your wife that made you want to marry her...what changed (forget the sister in law)?

I understand your making the choice that suits you and you are happy with. But it would be good to consider relationship councelling before making drastic decissions to your life and your childrens. At least for the sake of them, as it wont be easy for them.

Barracudaincork

IMO you both sound like miserable people who dont give a sh1t about the other person. You think she wants to cheat and her family will make her (by this do you mean they will help remove her knickers too.............hardly, so cop on with what you are saying) and according to you she controls you, controls the money etc etc

From what i can tell you have two adults acting like their 3 children, grow up and short your cr*p out for the sake of your children and by that i mean either sit down with your wife as an adult and talk this through or else move out, get divorced etc

Marraige is a partnership not a dictatorship!

Danniboo

Scarily similar to another thread on here about controlling brother/sister in laws. Why do you call her a bad mother OP? Have the kids been mistreated?

iguana

OP, is there a cultural clash going on here? I only ask because your posting style suggests that English may not be your first language? So it's making me wonder if you and your wife were both raised to have different expectations of what married life would be like.

amilo38 wrote: »

my best friends family dont talk to me anymore because of my wifes sister. she nearly stopped his marrige 1 week before the wedding.

As for this, while I'm not defending a woman who knowingly had sex with a man the week before his wedding, you do realise that if they had sex it's his fault as much as hers. Moreso in a way as he is the one who owed his fianceé his loyalty, not your sister in law. Yet you have vilified her and are describing him as a victim.

Motley Crue

OP

you accused your wife of

1. Being a bad mother
2. Being a bad wife
3. Going out whenever she likes
4. Allowing her family, including her sisters close friends, to encourage her to cheat on you having been married for 15yrs and had 3 kids

You said that you

1. Were not allowed drink
2. Were not allowed smoke
3. Were not allowed out (your wife actually forbids you to go on nights out?)

As a result, if you feel this strongly, either confront your wife's family about the fact that you feel mistreated or file for divorce because if the children have to experience an unhappy household I think it would be best if you were not together

amilo38

i havent done anything in the last few weeks. but the only thing my wife wants is for herself to do what she wants and for me just to accept and go along with it. i am not in a position to move out of the house, because i can not afford to. all she wants to do is fight over money all the time. i am biding my time till may and then i am going to leave her. i am sick of being told what to do all the time by her and her family.

and as for being a good mother ???

she took money of my 10 yr old daughter (that she got for her birthday)last week so she could go out with sister ! what parent does that ?

she did not send the children to school yesterday,and told them not to tell me when i got home in the evening. they even lied when i asked if they had been in school ( she had told them too).

we would all be better off without her, she is constantly fighting with my eldest daughter too. her nasty sister is also interfering in the upbringing of my children. this sister in law has also taken my children out of school,on days she doesent work, because it suits her to go shopping. i am being kept in the dark about all this, except for when i find out. i have been getting professional councelling and legal advice.

i have been told to contact the national school about my eldest daughters lack of progress. she is going into 2nd level in september and is not ready for it. my wife doesent care and never has.

i am in full time 3rd level myself and in final year. i dont be home till 7 or 8 at night. i expected my wife to keep up the childrens homework. as the children said " mammy never asks about homework, she is just on phone all the time about hen night/ wedding all the time"

i have to contact the social services about what is going on here.
i will never be happy with her, i just want her to leave , go live with your sister. she has put our rent in arrears 3 times in the same amount of years. we got eviction notice the last time. i had to take out a loan to pay it off, even though i had given her the money to pay it. sorry but i dont trust her. she has also done something more serious to me that could/would end in legal action, but i wont go into that here.