Pencilnapping...

AnonoBoy

At work I keep my stationery supplies in a drawer in my desk. Among these I have a pencil which I enjoy using, it's just right for sketching and easy to erase if mistakes are made.

This morning, with somewhat of a hangover, I arrived at my desk with a coffee and went about the business of the day. After checking my emails and boards ,I opened my desk drawer and was horrified to find my pencil missing. Searched under notebooks, inside staplers, inside my Vegas Poker mug.... the pencil was nowhere to be found.

Had I left it out yesterday and had it taken? Did I accidentally bring it home with me? My fuzzy brain was having trouble remembering. But, after my coffee break at 11.30 the horrible truth became apparent.

I returned to my desk to find a note on my keyboard. My blood went cold as I read it.

"We have your pencil.
If you want to see it again we want 10 euro before 5.30pm today.
Await further instructions."

Somebody had picked the lock and kidnapped my pencil! The bastards. THE FIENDS!!!!!

As of now I have not received any further instructions.

This is indeed a horrendous day. I feel like turning the ransom around on their heads like that famous anti-Semite did in that movie Ransom but I don't know who to trust. It could be anyone in the office. Even now I can feel their cold, calculating eyes on me.

I need help people of After Hours. And I need it now right after lunch.

Yours distraughtily,

AnonoBoy

seven-iron

Take a **** in the sink in the jacks???????? That will teach 'em

Coriolanus

On your lunch, get a gallon of petrol and a length of chain.

Chain the doors shut.

Douse the office with petrol.

Burn the place down with everyone in it if you don't get your pencil back.

It really is your only option Anono.

NothingMan

Have you checked for evidence of semen around the crime scene? They most likely raped your pencil before the abduction.

InKonspikuou2

It's Friday. Who gives a fúck about a pencil.

Who_owns_this?

AnonoBoy wrote: »

...and was horrified to find my pencil missing.
AnonoBoy

While I sympathise with your plight, I think you'll find that you have committed an oxymoron.

barleybooley

seven-iron wrote: »

Take a **** in the sink in the jacks???????? That will teach 'em

Someone took a duke in the urinal of the boys locker room, mmkay?

If the note was written with said pencil, I'd imagine that the pencil kidnapped itself. Times are tough and it's probably hard up on cash. Sorry to be so blunt

Gillington

Gillington Grissom at your service

Proto

Don't take your chances. Kill them all.

Buford T Justice

I would suggest that you give chuck a call, but you can't and won't need to.

He will find you, so should be along shortly to kick the ass of whoever did this terrible terrible crime.

General Zod

Watch Ransom, and then Taken.

flip a coin to determine which course of action to follow.

KingLoser

Hi OP,

I apologize for breaking the flow of humour in the AH responses, but I believe you need to look at this a little more seriously. I mean, have you contacted the Gardaí yet? If you don't file a report, they will be powerless to help you. You might get your pencil back, but next week it could be your cup, YOUR KIDS.

I also hope you have brought this up with the relevent HR contacts in the workplace, pencil theft is a breech of conduct code in almost all workplaces, and should be reported in order to stop this happening to others in your office.

You should also keep your solicitor on standby, call Joe Duffy, and maybe look into hiring a private investigater.

We're all with you during these troubling times.

GavRedKing

A big fire is your only real option, failing that, may I suggest paying the ransom and gettingthe pencil back and then stab everybody in sight with said pencil in the eye, nothing says revenge better then a pencil to eye.

antodeco

Think odf how many pencils you could buy with €10. Open up a paperclip and place elastic band over it. Like this

sorrywhat

Is there someone around you prone to playing tricks on you?

Id await further instruction and see what happens. Maybe they might have photographic evidence of the surroundings of the pencil. This might give you some clues to the whereabouts.

drdeadlift

General Zod wrote: »

Watch Ransom, and then Taken.

flip a coin to determine which course of action to follow.

didnt like taken,a bit over the top

AnonoBoy

Thank you all for your kind words of support in this difficult time.

I've just arrived back at my desk after a lunch filled with dread and trepidation and ham sandwiches and it looks like things have taken a turn for the wrose.

Sitting on the small space between my keyboard and the edge of the desk is a pile of pencil shavings!!!! :eek:

I am beginning to fear for my pencil's safety.

I would contact the Gardai except I don't know what sort of ruthless people I'm dealing with here and don't know how they would react.

I'm going to take a brief stroll around the office and try to spot the remains of sandwiches in bins so I can determine who ate lunch at their desk today. I suspect my pencil's captor or captors is brown-bagging it today for ease of access to my unattended desk.


[edit] As for checking for semen. How does one differeniate one's own semen from someone else's? A taste test of some description? :eek: [/edit]

Mrmoe

NothingMan wrote: »

Have you checked for evidence of semen around the crime scene? They most likely raped your pencil before the abduction.

No chance, they used the rubber.

junior_apollo

Mrmoe wrote: »

No chance, they used the rubber.

BOooooooooooooooo-urns

You should be ashamed of yourself...

The poor man was looking for any 'lead' on his stolen pencil and all you can do is come up with silly puns?... Shame on you...

ejmaztec

Some people shouldn't be allowed to have pencils. I hope someone tips off the social workers, so that the rest of Anonoboy's writing implements are taken into care. There are responsible people in this world who pray for the day that they get a pencil, but for whatever reason are never blessed with one. It's so fucking sad.:(

General Zod

drdeadlift wrote: »

didnt like taken,a bit over the top

It's impossible not to like a movie that Liam Neeson is awesome in. He's the only reason I'll watch The Phantom Menace more then once.

Obviously you have no soul.

AnonoBoy

ejmaztec wrote: »

Some people shouldn't be allowed to have pencils. I hope someone tips off the social workers, so that the rest of Anonoboy's writing implements are taken into care. There are responsible people in this world who pray for the day that they get a pencil, but for whatever reason are never blessed with one. It's so fucking sad.:(

Who are you to judge? Huh? You and those other pencilless people are so quick to leap on anyone's back when something goes wrong but you don't know the heartache that goes with owning a pencil.

Sure I was out drinking last night and sure I left my pencil by itself and just presumed it was ok but I have wants and needs too. Just because I own a pencil, does that mean my whole life should be dictated by that one fact?



Anyways - I've narrowed my suspicions down to four:

• Derek (fat and 'funny') - Quite likely to have been his idea of a joke.
• Sharon (annoying office windbag) - Annoying but not nefarious. Not likely to be her.
• Paudie (Nice guy but quiet, almost too quiet) - Highly suspicious as it's the quiet ones you need to keep your eye on.
• Vincent (All round decent chap) - Might possibly be him as I do owe him 20 euro for drinks purchased last Friday. But if so, why the ransom demand for only 10 euro?

As far as I can determine they are the only four that stayed in the office during lunch. So far I've seen none of them with a pencil or a pencil parer but I've begun questioning others about any suscpicious behaviour or conversations they might have heard recently.

Coriolanus

drdeadlift wrote: »

didnt like taken,a bit over the top

You should try Man on Fire.

Capt'n Midnight

Check their pencil sharpeners.

You should be able to match the marks on it's blade to the pencil filings.

Wile E. Coyote

I feel your pain. I came in this morning and both my pens were gone. I wasn't lucky enough to get a ransom note so I'm assuming they've been sold on the black market to pen pushers

meditraitor

You could join a club, this advice has always helped me

AnonoBoy

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Check their pencil sharpeners.

You should be able to match the marks on it's blade to the pencil filings.

Hmmmm.... I wonder if Horatio is around...........

junior_apollo

AnonoBoy wrote: »

Who are you to judge? Huh? You and those other pencilless people are so quick to leap on anyone's back when something goes wrong but you don't know the heartache that goes with owning a pencil.

Sure I was out drinking last night and sure I left my pencil by itself and just presumed it was ok but I have wants and needs too. Just because I own a pencil, does that mean my whole life should be dictated by that one fact?



Anyways - I've narrowed my suspicions down to four:

• Derek (fat and 'funny') - Quite likely to have been his idea of a joke.
• Sharon (annoying office windbag) - Annoying but not nefarious. Not likely to be her.
• Paudie (Nice guy but quiet, almost too quiet) - Highly suspicious as it's the quiet ones you need to keep your eye on.
• Vincent (All round decent chap) - Might possibly be him as I do owe him 20 euro for drinks purchased last Friday. But if so, why the ransom demand for only 10 euro?

As far as I can determine they are the only four that stayed in the office during lunch. So far I've seen none of them with a pencil or a pencil parer but I've begun questioning others about any suscpicious behaviour or conversations they might have heard recently.

From your lineup my gut instinct would be Vincent... BUT masterminded by Derek...

Derek knows that you would assume its him straight away so he did one of two things...
A) Persuaded another to steal it saying "Go on.. I bet he blames me"
Stole it himself but then passed on the stolen goods for safe keeping to another.

Solution? -> Buy Donuts...

Why donuts you ask?... Well all will become clear!...

/Scenario

The only logical outcome is to sneak up behind Derek and when he least expects it slit his achilles without him realising.. (if he's fat he has k-ankles [knee-ankles] and so will not feel the slicing immediately)...
Proceed to get back to your desk unnoticed...
Now walk towards Derek with the Donuts and leave them down just out of his reach... Ask Derek would he like one of said Donuts...

When he gets up to take one and falls flat on his face.. then this is when you scream at him with... "WHO'S LAUGHIN' NOW FAT-MAN!!!... WHO'S LAUGHIN' NOW!!!"

/End Scenario

General Zod

it probably pencilnapped itself. a young trophy pencil, in the parlance of our times, man.... you gotta feed the monkey!

IvySlayer

Do you have a lead yet?

junior_apollo

IvySlayer wrote: »

Do you have a lead yet?

Re-using my line eh?... tut tut...

I understand that you cant 'top' my puns but no need to steal them on me... :rolleyes:

IvySlayer

junior_apollo wrote: »

Re-using my line eh?... tut tut...

I understand that you cant 'top' my puns but no need to steal them on me... :rolleyes:

Bah I didn't read every post

I'd ask Anonoboy to hand me a pencil, but it's pointless.

General Zod

it's life is in your hands, dude.

AnonoBoy

junior_apollo wrote: »

From your lineup my gut instinct would be Vincent... BUT masterminded by Derek...

Derek knows that you would assume its him straight away so he did one of two things...
A) Persuaded another to steal it saying "Go on.. I bet he blames me"
Stole it himself but then passed on the stolen goods for safe keeping to another.

Solution? -> Buy Donuts...

Why donuts you ask?... Well all will become clear!...

/Scenario

The only logical outcome is to sneak up behind Derek and when he least expects it slit his achilles without him realising.. (if he's fat he has k-ankles [knee-ankles] and so will not feel the slicing immediately)...
Proceed to get back to your desk unnoticed...
Now walk towards Derek with the Donuts and leave them down just out of his reach... Ask Derek would he like one of said Donuts...

When he gets up to take one and falls flat on his face.. then this is when you scream at him with... "WHO'S LAUGHIN' NOW FAT-MAN!!!... WHO'S LAUGHIN' NOW!!!"

/End Scenario

Well, Derek did seem the most likely mastermind behind the Pencilnapping so I tried out your plan.

It met with varied success.

I'm lazy and there's no donut shops near the office so I substituted some broken Digestives that I found in a press behind a box of out-of-date butter portions.

I placed the broken Digestives on a plate near Derek and when he went over to investigate I ran up behind him. Not knowing what an achilles is or indeed how to slit one I settled for kicking him in the arse and shouting "Give me back my pencil ya fat bastard!" before running away.

Sharon's non-stop cackle for the next two minutes has led me to deduce that she was the one that took the pencil. (Also she threw it at me just thirty seconds ago).

Derek is now not talking to me which is both a good and a bad thing. Good because I don't have to listen to his endless stream of Iris Robinson jokes and bad because he was going to give me a lift home this evening.

So my pencil, emotionally scarred and slightly shorter than it was, is back in its rightful place, the drawer of my desk. All is well in AnonoBoy's office again but I am considering an eircom phonewatch alarm for the drawer to prevent my stapler or, God forbid, my Vegas mug from suffering the same fate as ol' 2B.

It's been an emotional day guys. I need a pint.

NothingMan

Once again evil is defeated and truth, justice and the boards.ie way is restored.

Tune in next week, Same Anonoboy time, same Anonoboy channel.


[Roll Credits]

General Zod

General Zod wrote: »

it's life is in your hands, dude.

Thius is the best pun in the thread, and gets overlooked. It's a pencil! it spends it's life in hands! It's a quote from the big lebowski! pfffh, my wit is wasted on you people.

AnonoBoy

General Zod wrote: »

Thius is the best pun in the thread, and gets overlooked. It's a pencil! it spends it's life in hands! It's a quote from the big lebowski! pfffh, my wit is wasted on you people.

I thanked your first Lebowski quote dude.

Leave me alone, I've had a trying day.

General Zod

So you don't want to hear The Eagles?

junior_apollo

General Zod wrote: »

Thius is the best pun in the thread, and gets overlooked. It's a pencil! it spends it's life in hands! It's a quote from the big lebowski! pfffh, my wit is wasted on you people.

Maybe we just plain didnt like your pun... no need for the 'pointless' ranting... self-praise is no praise btw.

junior_apollo

AnonoBoy wrote: »

Well, Derek did seem the most likely mastermind behind the Pencilnapping so I tried out your plan.

It met with varied success.

I'm lazy and there's no donut shops near the office so I substituted some broken Digestives that I found in a press behind a box of out-of-date butter portions.

I placed the broken Digestives on a plate near Derek and when he went over to investigate I ran up behind him. Not knowing what an achilles is or indeed how to slit one I settled for kicking him in the arse and shouting "Give me back my pencil ya fat bastard!" before running away.

Sharon's non-stop cackle for the next two minutes has led me to deduce that she was the one that took the pencil. (Also she threw it at me just thirty seconds ago).

Derek is now not talking to me which is both a good and a bad thing. Good because I don't have to listen to his endless stream of Iris Robinson jokes and bad because he was going to give me a lift home this evening.

So my pencil, emotionally scarred and slightly shorter than it was, is back in its rightful place, the drawer of my desk. All is well in AnonoBoy's office again but I am considering an eircom phonewatch alarm for the drawer to prevent my stapler or, God forbid, my Vegas mug from suffering the same fate as ol' 2B.

It's been an emotional day guys. I need a pint.

Good to hear all is well again..

Just had a thought too.. there was another scenario i forgot to mention...

Wait until they get fed-up and give it back...

Oh well.. this way was better for us all...

General Zod

junior_apollo wrote: »

Maybe we just plain didnt like your pun... no need for the 'pointless' ranting... self-praise is no praise btw.

hey, self-praise got me through those lonely teenage years.

electrogrimey

There's only one man that can solve this Anonoboy. No, not Trent. Not Feeky. Not Facekicker.

DeV. Get DeV to trace the IP of the pen/pencil used to write the ransom note (because you know he can), then find the culprit, and lay the smackdown on them.

sorrywhat

electrogrimey wrote: »

There's only one man that can solve this Anonoboy. No, not Trent. Not Feeky. Not Facekicker.

DeV. Get DeV to trace the IP of the pen/pencil used to write the ransom note (because you know he can), then find the culprit, and lay the smackdown on them.

Pencil has been found. Its ok, just a little shorter and a little traumatised.

derfderf

Be glad this didn't happen in portugal.

electrogrimey

sorrywhat wrote: »

Pencil has been found. Its ok, just a little shorter and a little traumatised.

Probably should have a least read more than one post before I posted. Ah well.

AnonoBoy

General Zod wrote: »

hey, self-praise got me through those lonely teenage years.

Self-abuse I think you mean.

barleybooley

Em, em, em was it Colonel Mustard in the Hall with the Dagger?