Trust Issue, how to approach?

LegacyUser

I've been with my bf for three months now. We were seeing each other for a long while before we officially got together and I've known him for a couple of years.

He's a wonderful guy, I really couldn't ask for more but he seems to have some odd issues with trust...

I have a lot of male friends, I always have. I'm one of three girls in my college class and I'm just very comfortable in male company. Three guys I am very close to in particular, two I've known since childhood and the other I met at the start of college. There has never and will never be anything between me and these guys. Guy A is gay (though he has not told anybody bar me and one or two other people), guy B has had a girlfriend for years and Guy C I see as the closest thing to a brother as I'll ever have.

Either coincidentally or not my bf has slowly developed issues with everyone of these guys.

Guy A he intensly dislikes, if I mention him in passing his mood immediately darkens. I've pulled him up on this before but he says he has his reasons and doesn't want to go into them. He also doesn't want me to talk about guy A if I don't have to. I said fine.

Guy B was very good friends with my bf untill a year ago. They just drifted, it was nothing serious. On my birthday a couple of months ago Guy B never came and I got very upset over that because I was really looking forward to him being there but had a great night regardless. Bf has not forgiven Guy B for this and while he doesn't mind me conversing with him, he will tell me later about I shouldn't waste my time with him for various reasons.

Guy C he had a fight with on one occasion over me (I was unwell one night and they disagreed over how I should be looked after.) Guy C was drunk and the fight was entirely his fault and he apologised to my bf the following morning to his face. Bf will not forgive him and will not be in the same room as him. Bf has an issue with me even talking to him.

I've drifted from these guys as well as some other friends since I've been with my bf. Part of this is because I'm more busy than I've ever been but deep down, and I'm ashamed of it, is because it just seems like less effort than offending my bf. He always tells me I should never change myself for him, or do somthing I don't want to do just for the sake of making him happy but at the same time I'd like to be able to say "Oh I'm going out with so-and-so this Monday" without his mood clouding over and him telling me he doesn't want to hear anymore about it.

What's brought this up now is he's currently out to lunch with a mutual female friend. I never said anything but when he mentioned it I got so angry. Not out of jealousy but I've been asking myself all day why is it okay for him to do that but not me?

I've painted him as some sort of monster in this post and he's really not. I don't want to break up over this but I want to resolve it and I really don't know how to talk to him about it without causing a massive argument or come out of it sounding like a jealous cow.

muboop1

Do you think his problem is he doesn't want you to have male mates?

Or is it just these specific 3 guys?

I wouldn't want my gf mates with a guy I hate. But then again, they are her mates so...

If she explained to me that they don't have to be my friends and that we just have to be civil to eachother and that was ok... well i think I would be ok! Once wasnt always around him that is.

I however would not be impressed with the likes of dvd nights in with her and just one of the lads etc... but thats just because even though her intentions might be totaly friends only... his might not.

Rather avoid that circumstance.

If you were mates with a 4th guy, do you think he would find a reason to hate him to?

Maybe he's jealous?

Have you talked to him about this?

LegacyUser

The closest I've come to talking to him about it was asking why he got so surly when I mentioned Guy A, and that conversation was shut down pretty quick because he has his reasons to dislike him apparently.

Myself and the bf were out with a group with a while ago and another guy I know was in the same pub coincidentally. I went over for a bit to catch up then came back to the bf and asked "Hey, would you like to meet x?". He said "No", nothing else. I was a little taken aback so left it at that and said nothing else about it. So I do wonder is it a problem with all guys.

I wouldn't actually be interesed in spending bags of time with these guys one on one. If we hang out, we'd frequently be in a group together or the occasional lunch one on one. There's nothing we'd do together that could ever be seen as "coupley" if you know what I mean.

sporina

hmm this is interesting - I guess you and him need to have a chat - communication is the only key to making a relationship work.
To be honest, you may like this guy - but you have to like yourself more..
If he has a problem with your mates cos their are male then ye have a problem.
As the other poster asked - does he have a prob with these guys in particular or is it because they are guys?
And if he is going out to lunch with a female friend then he has no right to be mad with you for having male friends - not that he has a right to be anyway.
I am sensing that he has a few issues here.. lets hope I am wrong..

Stand your ground - talk to him about it - your friends will be there for you long after a new love is gone so be good to your friends - regardless of the gender.

MissFlitworth

Why are you letting the actions of someone you've been with for 3 months dictate who you can and can't be friends with? Especially people you say are 'like a brother to you' or that you've known since you were a child. It must be pretty hurtful for them to lose contact with you because your boyfriend has issues with them.

You really, really shouldn't let him away with 'having his reasons' for not liking your friend if he won't explain them to you, that's ridiculous. If your boyfriend has reasons strong enough to dislike your friend to the point that he doesn't like you talking about him then he should be able to explain them to you. It's also completely irrational for him not to like your 2 other close friends based on one of them one time being a drunk muppet and the other missing your birthday. It honestly sounds like he's looking for reasons not to like them and to make you uncomfortable being friends with them. Seriously, stop pandering to him and make him explain himself. Don't end up cut off, by yourself and without 3 good friendships (and quite possibly the friendships of anyone else he takes a dislike to) because of your boyfriends issues.

Meant to say, if I were in your shoes I'd sit him down and nicely ask him what his problem is with friend A and then explain to him that he doesn't have to like your friends but he does have to be nice to them and he does have to keep any negative opinions about them to himself and that you will do the same for him. That his attitude is hurting you and that you need him to be nicer to and about your friends.