Gf, her parents and me

LegacyUser

Apologies for a long post.

Background:
Me and my gf are in very early 20's. We both live at home.
Reasons are it is easier for university, we are both in our final years. I intend to move out once i graduate and get a job (approximately next September).

Naturally I am not allowed to stay over in her bed as she has significantly younger siblings and a bad example must not be set. But beyond that it would likely not be acceptable by parents. Spare bedrooms etc so no problem.

No qualms there. Same in my house.

Problem:
I was in her house the other night, and well, we got into a bit of a tiff. Some serious problems needed to be addressed, so we stayed up all night talking until about the time her family would go to breakfast.

We decided not to go downstairs until after breakfast etc so her siblings would not know I had been there all night (we were in the tv room, not the bedroom, but they wouldn't know that-very near her room etc but i think her parents know this). So would wait until they went to school.

She was driving(my car's wheel is punctured) and would have to drop me home.

We were obviously wrecked at this stage and she didnt think she was safe to drive so she went to her room to sleep. I went with her.

There has never been a problem with me being in her room during the day before.

I slept there until after lunch time and then just talked to her for another hour or two.

She got a text from her dad saying get out of her room before the siblings got back from school. He was in work so obviously her mum rang to tell him or something? They weren't impressed regardless.

Basically i think they are annoyed that we were "shacked up in her room all day having sex or something".

Which I admit looks terrible and being a young couple etc...

Anyway she dropped me home straight away stayed in mine a few hours then went home to bed.

Now however, her mother will not speak to her. And she hasn't seen her dad since (not avoidance just busy etc).

She wont see her dad until tomorrow. She hopes to talk to him then. She feels her mother is a lost cause.

Now we are totally in the wrong. It is worth mentioning he has one very drunken night kicked me out of her bed and into the spare bed. Nothing bad happening just me being plastered. Bad I know. All was forgiven there and it was months ago.

Basically the problem I am having is, should I say something or just avoid and stay out of the situation and leave it to my gf?

I really feel I have been very disrespectful to a family who are very nice to me.

They are obviously furious, not just with her but with me to.

Any advice?

I have her dad's number but I cannot obviously talk to him before her. But I dunno I think I should do something!

Kimia

In all fairness, you both souund very mature and respectful of each others homes and parents and this does sound like a once off.

I wouldn't say anything to her parents until she does. She needs to talk to them first. Then ask her what she thinks would be best (she knows them better after all). If she agrees, perhaps a quick apology would suffice.

Dont feel too bad - there are much worse than you guys out there! Fair ply to you for being so mature about this.

bp

yeah I would leave her to have a chat with the folks first, and then next time you see them apologise and thank them for being understanding

limklad

Sound to me that her parents are developing a very bad relationship with their adult daughter, which will only backfire on them in the future, once she has move out and becomes independent.

hollis12

limklad wrote: »

Sound to me that her parents are developing a very bad relationship with their adult daughter, which will only backfire on them in the future, once she has move out and becomes independent.

you hit the nail on the head there man the same happened with my parents and i barley speak to them anymore, it will back fire they seem make rules to chastise their daughter rather than for the sake of rules, control freaks or another way of putting it is they set unrealistic and unfair rules intentionally to in a way "dare" your girlfriend to break it so they can take out any petty problem they have on her!

Chucky the tree

hollis12 wrote: »

you hit the nail on the head there man the same happened with my parents and i barley speak to them anymore, it will back fire they seem make rules to chastise their daughter rather than for the sake of rules, control freaks or another way of putting it is they set unrealistic and unfair rules intentionally to in a way "dare" your girlfriend to break it so they can take out any petty problem they have on her!

Maybe the daughter should gtfo of the parents house then if she wants to do what she likes.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Hey guys thanks for the replies.
First I'd like to say she talked with her dad and everything is ok. He just wants it to not happen again.

As for:

hollis12 wrote: »

you hit the nail on the head there man the same happened with my parents and i barley speak to them anymore, it will back fire they seem make rules to chastise their daughter rather than for the sake of rules, control freaks or another way of putting it is they set unrealistic and unfair rules intentionally to in a way "dare" your girlfriend to break it so they can take out any petty problem they have on her!

Whilst I appreciate the time you took to read my very very long post, I have to say that this really doesn't apply here...

It's their house they really can set the rules as they want. And i personally feel it's totally justifiable considering the younger siblings. They are considerably younger, one in first year of secondary school the other primary school.

Definitely not the right message to send to the kids.

These are not rules with no reasoning behind them. They are completely reasonable. I'd be more along the lines of considering it negligent parenting if they allowed such things to happen in front of their young children's eyes. Well negligent is to strong a word, but I would feel it inadvisable.

Plus in fairness to them, If i have a daughter and she wants her bf to stay over, fine if we have a guest room. But never in her bed. Just seems somehow disrespectful to me.

vandermeyde

hollis12 wrote: »

you hit the nail on the head there man the same happened with my parents and i barley speak to them anymore, it will back fire they seem make rules to chastise their daughter rather than for the sake of rules, control freaks or another way of putting it is they set unrealistic and unfair rules intentionally to in a way "dare" your girlfriend to break it so they can take out any petty problem they have on her!

their house, their rules. Either respect them or move out. granted for the OP it was unintentional, from the parents perspective, they spent the night in the same room, didn't surface the next morning and then went and spent another few hours together in a different room in the house. A bit of explaining, an apology and draw a line under it. If it was me, I'd leave it a while before deciding to spend another night there too.

Wompa1

mistake666 wrote: »

OP here.

Hey guys thanks for the replies.
First I'd like to say she talked with her dad and everything is ok. He just wants it to not happen again.

As for:



Whilst I appreciate the time you took to read my very very long post, I have to say that this really doesn't apply here...

It's their house they really can set the rules as they want. And i personally feel it's totally justifiable considering the younger siblings. They are considerably younger, one in first year of secondary school the other primary school.

Definitely not the right message to send to the kids.

These are not rules with no reasoning behind them. They are completely reasonable. I'd be more along the lines of considering it negligent parenting if they allowed such things to happen in front of their young children's eyes. Well negligent is to strong a word, but I would feel it inadvisable.

Plus in fairness to them, If i have a daughter and she wants her bf to stay over, fine if we have a guest room. But never in her bed. Just seems somehow disrespectful to me.

Damn right. Their house, their rules. Most young people don't get that. After 18 it's a privledge to be there since they are no longer legally responsible for you.

Monkey61

Wow...I am quite surprised by the attitudes to be honest. I didn't think anyone's parents were that old fashioned nowadays.

Anyway OP, you have done absolutely nothing wrong, so don't worry about it. I'll just stress that - NOTHING wrong.

ManOfMystery

I wouldn't call it old-fashioned, I'd call it a healthy respect and maturity when staying under someone else's roof - especially if children are about. Children are too exposed to sex and the like as it is, I see nothing wrong with setting a good example.

I'm 32, gf is 35, and occasionally when we stay in her parents I still insist on using the spare room.

Kudos to the OP for having the maturity and respect to do this.

In fairness OP, I don't think you really did anything wrong this time - it just looks questionable. Nothing that can't be sorted out with a quick and apologetic explanation to her folks.

ManOfMystery

duplicate, please delete mods

The Nice Jumper

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I'm 32, gf is 35, and occasionally when we stay in her parents I still insist on using the spare room.

That is utterly ridiculous.

OP your gf needs to put the foot down with the folks. You don't want to be 32 (like above poster) and still sleeping in the spare room. Sort it out now....if anything her siblings will thank her for it.

ManOfMystery

The Nice Jumper wrote: »

That is utterly ridiculous.

OP your gf needs to put the foot down with the folks. You don't want to be 32 (like above poster) and still sleeping in the spare room. Sort it out now....if anything her siblings will thank her for it.

Why so? We're not married, don't live together and I've only met her parents a handful of times. I'm trying to be respectful, and just because my approach to this is obviously different to yours doesn't mean it's 'utterly ridiculous'.

And for what it's worth, I do this of my own accord, her parents have never implied or insinuated that I need to use the spare room. I was brought up to show manners and respect when in someone else's home and this is what I feel is appropriate for now.

The Nice Jumper

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Why so? We're not married, don't live together and I've only met her parents a handful of times. I'm trying to be respectful, and just because my approach to this is obviously different to yours doesn't mean it's 'utterly ridiculous'.

And for what it's worth, I do this of my own accord, her parents have never implied or insinuated that I need to use the spare room. I was brought up to show manners and respect when in someone else's home and this is what I feel is appropriate for now.

Sorry didn't mean to slam what you were saying. It's just my own personal opinion that your stance is misguided. Sharing a bed with your adult girlfriend (in her parents' house) is in no way disrespectful...unless the 2 of you are going at it with the bed creaking like mad etc...

ManOfMystery

The Nice Jumper wrote: »

Sorry didn't mean to slam what you were saying. It's just my own personal opinion that your stance is misguided. Sharing a bed with your adult girlfriend (in her parents' house) is in no way disrespectful...unless the 2 of you are going at it with the bed creaking like mad etc...

And for what it's worth, I would certainly like to share a bed with her. However her parents are in their 60s/70s and have certain Catholic values/beliefs drummed into them from an early age, so for the few times a year I'm actually in their house I just opt to use the spare room out of respect for their beliefs - after all, I'm in their house. It's not that big an issue for me. We have plenty of other nights together in our own places.

dubdcugirly

Hi OP,

Glad your situation is sorted and really glad to hear my family are not the only ones like this. In my house until we're married or together with our partner a very very long time we dont sleep in the same bed in my parents house end of. My sis was engaged for nine years 21-30 and didnt sleep in the same bed as her hubby till they were 26-27ish and they lived together in London! My bro and his now wife were engaged for two years and didn't stay together in our family home til married. My other bro and his fiancee have been together 3 years, living together for 1 year and only staying same bed in Mam & Dads a few months ago! My mam and dad wouldnt pass comment because we know the deal and its not about hardfast rules its about respect!

I think its nice that your girlfriends parents are considerate (fair enough the mam was a bit OTT on the not talking) but they are nice enough to let you stay and its all sorted! And fair play to you for helping and agreeing! I'll do the same with my own children!