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first poem

  • 14-01-2010 12:12am
    #1
    del88
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,136 ✭✭✭


    Here's my first attempt at poetry
    .....The wave......
    Died in blue ,born in white
    From far off seas she cried
    Fathered by winds from tropical hills
    Mothered by arctic tide

    So off she set ,sisters in tow
    They dance, they chase ,they play
    Fishermen feared their shouts and their cheer
    Their boats they shook and sway

    And as i float not far from shore
    and paddle close to hand
    with one last breath
    I hear her voice
    As she sings to bag-n-bun sand..


Comments

  • #2
    pickarooney
    Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 35,738 Mod ✭✭✭✭pickarooney


    del88 wrote: »
    Here's my first attempt at poetry
    .....The wave......
    Died in blue ,born in white
    From far off seas she cried
    Fathered by winds from tropical hills
    Mothered by Arctic tide

    So off she set ,sisters in tow
    They dance, they chase ,they play
    Fishermen feared their shouts and their cheer
    Their boats they shook and sway

    And as i float not far from shore
    and paddle close to hand
    with one last breath
    I hear her voice
    As she sings to bag-n-bun sand..

    I don't really do poetry reviews; just thought I'd help with a spelling mistake.


  • #3
    Insect Overlord
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,972 Mod ✭✭✭✭Insect Overlord


    del88 wrote: »
    Died in blue ,born in white
    From far off seas she cried
    Fathered by winds from tropical hills
    Mothered by arctic tide

    I like this verse. Pickarooney's pointed out the only error in it, and even that takes nothing away from the effectiveness of the imagery.
    del88 wrote: »
    So off she set ,sisters in tow
    They dance, they chase ,they play
    Fishermen feared their shouts and their cheer
    Their boats they shook and sway

    There's a problem with the inconsistency of the tenses in this verse. It starts off in the past ("off she set"), moves into the present ("they dance, they chase, they play"), reverts to the past ("feared") and then gets confused between the two in the last line ("shook"/"sway").
    del88 wrote: »
    And as i float not far from shore
    and paddle close to hand
    with one last breath
    I hear her voice
    As she sings to bag-n-bun sand..

    I can't tell if the "one last breath" refers to the narrator or to the wave, but either way I like this verse as well.

    Change things around a bit in the middle and you'll have a very good little poem on your hands :)


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