looking for advice by sugardan REPLY

sugardan

hello, you may remember i posted a thread here in ri looking for advice. I was the man in his mid thirities looking for advice about asking out a 21 year old girl i'd only seen around town. I asked her out took some amount of courage she said YES i was ecstatic. went to dinner with her last thursday it was the best evening of my life shes smart funny lovely girl
everything i had hoped for and more she is so stunningly beautiful i didn't
expect her to ever go out with me. When i brought her home we kissed and as a man in his mid thirties i'm not ashamed to say i melted we spent most of the weekend together everywhere we go the amount of men who stare at her is crazy i look at them discreetly. shes incredible and i feel
like the luckiest man alive we went to a movie last night and she lay on my shoulder utterly amazing how all these feelings have been reawakened.
I am falling hook line and sinker for this girl. heading away with work
next weekend want to ask her to go but don't want to come on to strong any advice? just can't bear to be away from her for the whole weekend
shes studying something similar in college to the field i work in.
much appreciated:D

barleybooley

That's great, hope it works out

sugardan

thanks very much for that, really adore her would do anything for her
it's strange she could have anyone she wanted. feel very lucky. do ye think
its too soon to ask her away for the weekend?

loloray

sugardan wrote: »

do ye think
its too soon to ask her away for the weekend?

A week after the first date - yes.
If she's as special as you hope, there'll be lots of time for weekends away.

sajama

loloray wrote: »

A week after the first date - yes.
If she's as special as you hope, there'll be lots of time for weekends away.

+1 - It is a bit soon ...

But I had read your other thread and am delighted for you... good on ya for asking her and best of luck

Shelga

sugardan wrote: »

thanks very much for that, really adore her would do anything for her
it's strange she could have anyone she wanted. feel very lucky. do ye think
its too soon to ask her away for the weekend?

YES it's too soon! You had your first date a week ago! It's great you asked her out and you guys are having fun, but I hope you tone it down around her a bit. Personally, there's no bigger turn off than a guy coming on too strong/acting too eager.

hawkmoon269

Fair play, just shows what a bit of confidence can do!

sugardan

thanks very much lads. i'm leaving it up to her how slowly/quickly we take things
shes definitely figured out i'm smitten but i'm conscience of how young she is and
i'm so grateful to have her in my life. will hate being away from her for the weekend
tbh

sugardan

also wanted to ask has anyone been in a relationship with a big age gap?
also as i said shes only 21 what kind of things do you think she'd be interested
in doing? don't want to come across as old by asking just want to make her happy.

kenbrady

Shelga wrote: »

Ythere's no bigger turn off than a guy coming on too strong/acting too eager.

You need to ease up. Sure you think is is great, smart, funny, beautiful. But she's still just a person like everyone else. Don't thing she's perfect and above you. You are coming across as very needy.

sugardan wrote: »

i'm so grateful to have her in my life. will hate being away from her for the weekend tbh

sugardan wrote: »

just want to make her happy.

sam34

+1 for what ken brady has said


if someone was coming on to me that strongly after a week, they wouldnt see me for dust

its too intense, and tbh, i'd find it a little creepy

Taltos

Hi OP

glad it worked out.
As per your first thread we all advised to take it slowly.
So do that.
Get to know each other - have some fun - plan to days out.

But a weekend away at this stage - she will think one thing "He just wants to get in my pants"
Before you blurt out any plans like this - try to put yourself in her shoes - what would she think etc.

Just do couply things, take it slowly, calm down - get to know her - and let her get to know you (not the smitten doe eyed goofball - but the normal funny you).

Best of luck.

How Strange

OP, cool the jets!

As Sam34 said, if I met a guy like you I'd be gone in a heartbeat because it's just too intense.

OK she's gorgeous, you're infatuated and you can't get enough of her. However, in my experience of relationships when they start really intense like this they usually blow up just as quick.

Go away for the weekend, give both of you a bit of space, enjoy each others company but retain your independence and just let the relationship take it's course.

jenga-jen

OP I followed your original thread so fair play to you for asking her out!

Not saying I'm quite the 'prize' your lady friend is (:P) but I had a guy come on too strong early in a relationship before and I ran. RAN AWAY! :eek:

While she's no doubt delighted to have met someone who so obviously likes her, I have to +1 to the above posters and say: 'Calm down!'

If you feel so strongly about her, imagine how p1ssed off you'll be if you mess it up by rushing it. Leave the weekend idea to one side for now, take it slow. Go on dates, find out her interests so that you'll know what she likes to do (dinner, cinema etc are safe bets in the interim!). The rest will follow naturally.

Just try your best not to do 'doe eyed/slackjaw' face across the table at her in the meantime

G'luck with it!

daisybelle2008

sunflower27 wrote: »

Er, you have focused on this a lot - sounds like you look at her as some kind of prize to boost your own ego.

I'm a bit dubious about this thread if I'm honest....

+ 1

Not sure if you are really looking for advice or showing off how young and nubile your new 'girlfriend' is. It is a bit creepy and unreal tbh.
Didn't your last thread get closed because you were responding to yourself under a different account? I might be wrong but I thought that was the case. You were told to stop sock puppeting iirc.

If it is you may have bigger problems than the 'weekend away with the lush new girlfriend'.......
Be honest with yourself and hopefully you can find the help you really need OP.

SarahSassy

This post has been more than slightly creepy and obsessive from day one.... I would not recommend you bring her away for the weekend. Its too much too soon.

The Recliner

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

+ 1

Not sure if you are really looking for advice or showing off how young and nubile your new 'girlfriend' is. It is a bit creepy and unreal tbh.
Didn't your last thread get closed because you were responding to yourself under a different account? I might be wrong but I thought that was the case. You were told to stop sock puppeting iirc.

People make mistakes and Sugardan has been dealt with by the Mods and has served his ban

It has been checked and there is nothing untoward going on in this thread at the moment so can people please just deal with the Op's issue and forget about past transgressions

sugardan

SarahSassy wrote: »

This post has been more than slightly creepy and obsessive from day one.... I would not recommend you bring her away for the weekend. Its too much too soon.

i understand what your all saying but i'm not showing off just looking
for advice as i haven't been with someone that age in so long. also with my other thread
someone at work with the same ip address through using this for their boards account replied. i do not see her as a trophy i genuinely care about her.

sugardan

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

+ 1

Not sure if you are really looking for advice or showing off how young and nubile your new 'girlfriend' is. It is a bit creepy and unreal tbh.
Didn't your last thread get closed because you were responding to yourself under a different account? I might be wrong but I thought that was the case. You were told to stop sock puppeting iirc.

If it is you may have bigger problems than the 'weekend away with the lush new girlfriend'.......
Be honest with yourself and hopefully you can find the help you really need OP.

i think the reason it doesn't happen often is because society makes us feel
like pervs if we are attracted to younger women so we never have the confidence
to ask.

Bonito

I disagree with it being too soon. Hint it to her so you're not coming on as too strong. Something along the lines of "awww i'll miss you while i'm away next wknd" and pay attention to her reply. If it's a "awww i'll miss you too" then see her the next wknd. If it's more of a "awww i wish i could come cause I dont wanna miss you" the subtly hint she can come with you if she'd like. Let her decide rather than asking her to come with you All the best

Bonito

sunflower27 wrote: »

Agree, it all sounds unreal and fantasist.

man in 30s pursues stunning 21-year-old model-type, finally plucks up courage to ask her to dinner, she says yes against the odds. Dinner goes well, spend whole weekend together....

not saying it doesnt happen but this sounds TOO much like a 1980s teen flick to me :rolleyes:

SF i'm shocked lol would you rather a story along the lines of

"58 year old millionaire flashes wads of cash and has 20-something year olds wrapped around his finger" :rolleyes:

TBH whether this thread is serious or not we should treat it as serious and not belittle the OP. There's nothing creepy about two ppl falling in love so just give him advice and let it play itself out.

That's my 2 cents anyway. I worked with a lad who was 32 and looked about 20 so the idea of a mid 30 male and 21 year old female isn't ridiculous. Lets be honest we have all heard much worse :rolleyes:

sugardan

Bonito wrote: »

SF i'm shocked lol would you rather a story along the lines of

"58 year old millionaire flashes wads of cash and has 20-something year olds wrapped around his finger" :rolleyes:

TBH whether this thread is serious or not we should treat it as serious and not belittle the OP. There's nothing creepy about two ppl falling in love so just give him advice and let it play itself out.

That's my 2 cents anyway. I worked with a lad who was 32 and looked about 20 so the idea of a mid 30 male and 21 year old female isn't ridiculous. Lets be honest we have all heard much worse :rolleyes:

thank you i want to assure each reader that this thread is serious. the reason i'm seeking
adice here is my friends and colleagues would be dismayed at the age gap. Fully aware
that i'm coming across as a lovesick puppy but i am a confident attractive well
educated funny man (so i'm told) i have never pursued a younger woman before.
is it really so inconcievable that she could just like me as i do her? it's early days and i'm taking things slowly just trying to get to know her.

sugardan

would also appreciate if people who were in age gap relationships
could share their experiences as i'm very new to this my last realationship
was three years long we were both 34 when it finished.

SheRa

Sugardan good luck with everything. I think that its lovely that you 2 eventually got together. I do think that you are so happy that you are coming on too strong on the thread, but i don't think that it's creepy. Don't come over like a lovesick puppy to her though, just try and calm down a bit:-) . In answer to your age gap question im 30 going out with someone 12 years older than me for the past 1.5 years. Before we started going out i would never have imagined going out with someone that amount older than me. Now that we are going out the age gap is irrelevant so don't stress out too much about that.

sugardan

SheRa wrote: »

Sugardan good luck with everything. I think that its lovely that you 2 eventually got together. I do think that you are so happy that you are coming on too strong on the thread, but i don't think that it's creepy. Don't come over like a lovesick puppy to her though, just try and calm down a bit:-) . In answer to your age gap question im 30 going out with someone 12 years older than me for the past 1.5 years. Before we started going out i would never have imagined going out with someone that amount older than me. Now that we are going out the age gap is irrelevant so don't stress out too much about that.

really appreciate that. glad to hear it's not all horror stories she knows i'm
smitten but i don't come on to strong i'm very relaxed around her surprisingly.
it would be more socilly acceptable if we were both ten years older. i am conscience
of he age and will take it at whatever pace shes comfortable with. at the end of the day
all i want is to make her happy!

hawkmoon269

Might be a bit early to invite her away for a weekend, but I don't know.

As a general comment more than anything, what I find odd about social mores today is that most people whether in their twenties or thirties seem to have no problem with one night stands yet inviting someone away for a weekend, granted at a very early stage, is viewed as 'creepy' or whatever.

sugardan

hawkmoon269 wrote: »

Might be a bit early to invite her away for a weekend, but I don't know.

As a general comment more than anything, what I find odd about social mores today is that most people whether in their twenties or thirties seem to have no problem with one night stands yet inviting someone away for a weekend, granted at a very early stage, is viewed as 'creepy' or whatever.

agreed people are very moral in the cold light of day. as much as i hate to be away
from her the last thing i want to do is spoil things by going to quickly with things.
we haven't slept together yet (she's not like that) so the last thing i want to do is
rush her. i'm happy to wait i just love being with her. would you agree i should wait?
at least i'm seeing her tomorrow can't wait!

SarahSassy

sugardan wrote: »

would you agree i should wait?

YES!!

What do you mean 'she is not like that?'

Kimia

sugardan wrote: »

agreed people are very moral in the cold light of day. as much as i hate to be away
from her the last thing i want to do is spoil things by going to quickly with things.
we haven't slept together yet (she's not like that) so the last thing i want to do is
rush her. i'm happy to wait i just love being with her. would you agree i should wait?
at least i'm seeing her tomorrow can't wait!

Ease up a bit! You are coming across as WAY too thankful that she bothered with you at all and I have to say, that's not attractive. You sound way too over the top, you have to cool it or you'll scare her off.

Nice that you don't want to rush her, but personally it's not very nice the way you assume that there's something wrong with her if she wanted to sleep with you straight away. Would that take the shine off her halo?

Cool down. You are moving way too fast. If this carries on we may be seeing a thread saying 'met a nice older guy but he's too all over me so i want to stop seeing him!'

LegacyUser

sugardan wrote: »

agreed people are very moral in the cold light of day. as much as i hate to be away
from her the last thing i want to do is spoil things by going to quickly with things.
we haven't slept together yet (she's not like that) so the last thing i want to do is
rush her. i'm happy to wait i just love being with her. would you agree i should wait?
at least i'm seeing her tomorrow can't wait!

i think you need to take a step back - you sound like you'll ask her to marry you next! She is 21 - think about it - she is so young. She hasnt experienced any of life yet - you have. Just take it one day at a time yeah - cool it down or you'll end up getting really hurt. To be honost you sound like a nice guy but a bit too over the top.

sugardan

Kimia wrote: »

Ease up a bit! You are coming across as WAY too thankful that she bothered with you at all and I have to say, that's not attractive. You sound way too over the top, you have to cool it or you'll scare her off.

Nice that you don't want to rush her, but personally it's not very nice the way you assume that there's something wrong with her if she wanted to sleep with you straight away. Would that take the shine off her halo?

Cool down. You are moving way too fast. If this carries on we may be seeing a thread saying 'met a nice older guy but he's too all over me so i want to stop seeing him!'

no not at all, i never said i'd think there was something wrong with her if she wanted to sleep with me on the first date, i just meant that she doesn't believe in one night stands etc my point
was i didn't want her to think that's all i was interested in. i do feel lucky that shes
interested in me it's not often a girl like that comes along.
As i said earlier i don't want to rush into anything.
p.s. i'm fully aware shes only human doesn't everyone feel this way when
they are falling for someone?

sugardan

hglog wrote: »

i think you need to take a step back - you sound like you'll ask her to marry you next! She is 21 - think about it - she is so young. She hasnt experienced any of life yet - you have. Just take it one day at a time yeah - cool it down or you'll end up getting really hurt. To be honost you sound like a nice guy but a bit too over the top.

i want to profusely apologise that i'm coming across so badly to the posters.
I am very senitive to her age she has to finish college i'm sure she wants to travel
and have fun and just be young i fully understand that. as i said i just want her
to be happy. and i will take things very slowly.

sugardan

Hello all, Decieded to take your advice and not ask about the weekend.
have arranged to meet her sunday night and sent her flowers to let her know i'm
thinking of her. Right decision in yer opinion?
thanks for the souns advice btw

Bonito

sugardan wrote: »

Hello all, Decieded to take your advice and not ask about the weekend.
have arranged to meet her sunday night and sent her flowers to let her know i'm
thinking of her. Right decision in yer opinion?
thanks for the souns advice btw

Only send flowers every now and then. Don't want to be making it regular and routine. Do it occassionally so it's a "special little surprise" when you do it. I hope you stuck a subtle little "thinking of you" on the card :P

SarahSassy

sugardan wrote: »

Hello all, Decieded to take your advice and not ask about the weekend.
have arranged to meet her sunday night and sent her flowers to let her know i'm
thinking of her. Right decision in yer opinion?
thanks for the souns advice btw

Flowers = OTT

Give her a break or you will smother her and lose her.

LegacyUser

please dont send the flowers. If i got flowers from a guy that i wasn't going out with too long i think id find it too much too soon. maybe send a text or call her to let her know your thinking of her - but not the flowers yet!

sugardan

i did. she said she'd miss me just wanted to let her know i was thinking of her it's the first time i sent them to her.

sugardan

she told me she loved the flowers and did say she wad looking
forward to sunday. she definitely liked them. i miss her just wanted her to
know i'm thinking if her

SarahSassy

Dont honestly know why you are posting here other than to boast cos you are not listening to a word anyone has said to you...

sugardan

SarahSassy wrote: »

Dont honestly know why you are posting here other than to boast cos you are not listening to a word anyone has said to you...

i have listened and appreciated all sound advice. what's your problem?
i'm not forcing you to reply to the thread. i'm just looking for advice
not hostility

sajama

As a 21-year old girl myself I have to say the flowers were bordering on OTT - okay so she liked them, but if gestures like this are repeated too often she will feel smothered and run.
You have got the girl you wanted, told her how you will miss her during the second weekend of your very new relationship, and she has told you she feels the same, so congratulations and I hope it continues to go so smoothly for you.

sugardan

sajama wrote: »

As a 21-year old girl myself I have to say the flowers were bordering on OTT - okay so she liked them, but if gestures like this are repeated too often she will feel smothered and run.
You have got the girl you wanted, told her how you will miss her during the second weekend of your very new relationship, and she has told you she feels the same, so congratulations and I hope it continues to go so smoothly for you.

thanks for that. i know from personal experience that theres nothing worse than being
smothered would not do that. as i said whatever makes her happy will take things slowly.
I just thought the flowers were a nice gesture wont do it often.

sugardan

"i am not hostile, i just don't get it"


thats fair enough your more than entitled to your opinion
but i do appreciate the advice and take it on board. some people
have their mind made up that im a perv who shouldnt be with a 21 y/o.
just want to say i'm not boasting i know i'm very lucky. do value your opinion
just seems some posters have a certain opinion of me.

Nevyn

SarahSassy Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Eve_Dublin

Okay, just going to agree with everyone here....cool it mate! I went out with a 33 year old guy when I was about 22-23 and still in college and he acted much the same as you. Flowers, teddy bears holding little love hearts (barf!), phoning 3-4 times a day etc etc. On our third or fourth date, he was talking about marriage and introduced me to his friends as his future wife. I understand that he might have been nervous but the neediness was not at all attractive and even though he was a nice fella, I broke up with him after 3 months. I was expecting him to be maturer, more secure in himself and to play it cooler because of his age and that was the attraction of his age initially. Turns out he was exactly like my first boyfriend when I was 16. She might love it now because of the novelty but believe me, just because she´s 21 doesn´t mean she´s niave...she´s not too old to realise this OTT carry on is not for her.

sugardan

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Okay, just going to agree with everyone here....cool it mate! I went out with a 33 year old guy when I was about 22-23 and still in college and he acted much the same as you. Flowers, teddy bears holding little love hearts (barf!), phoning 3-4 times a day etc etc. On our third or fourth date, he was talking about marriage and introduced me to his friends as his future wife. I understand that he might have been nervous but the neediness was not at all attractive and even though he was a nice fella, I broke up with him after 3 months. I was expecting him to be maturer, more secure in himself and to play it cooler because of his age and that was the attraction of his age initially. Turns out he was exactly like my first boyfriend when I was 16. She might love it now because of the novelty but believe me, just because she´s 21 doesn´t mean she´s niave...she´s not too old to realise this OTT carry on is not for her.

The last thing i want to do is smother her. i would not suggest marraige
to someone so young, flowers were the only gesture i made i wont make a habit.
thanks for the advice the last thing i want to do is mess it up through my own stupidity.

Eve_Dublin

sugardan wrote: »

The last thing i want to do is smother her. i would not suggest marraige
to someone so young, flowers were the only gesture i made i wont make a habit.
thanks for the advice the last thing i want to do is mess it up through my own stupidity.

No sorry I wasn´t suggesting that YOU would talk about marriage but hopefully you get my point.

One word of warning: Don´t buy her a cuddly teddy bear holding a heart.

Good luck OP, hope it goes well for you. Just play it cool and you´ll be grand.

sugardan

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

No sorry I wasn´t suggesting that YOU would talk about marriage but hopefully you get my point.

One word of warning: Don´t buy her a cuddly teddy bear holding a heart.

Good luck OP, hope it goes well for you. Just play it cool and you´ll be grand.

thanks very much will definitely avoid teddy bears!
appreciate the advice. haven't been with a 21 y.o. since college
don't want to mess it up.

Novella

Tbh, I think you are focusing waaaaaay too much on her age. Ok, she's younger than you. That doesn't mean she's not gonna like you, it doesn't mean you have to feel 'grateful' that she's with you, she is not doing you a favour.

You asked for advice on things she'd be interested in doing because you didn't want to ask her yourself so you wouldn't seem 'old'. I would pretty much expect a guy I was dating to ask me what kinda things I like to do regardless of age. I'd ask him what he was into as well, it's not exactly an unusual question to ask when you're getting to know someone.

You don't want to rush things because she is young. Nice and all as that is, added with all of the other things, imho, you are sort of babying her. I get that she is younger than you but she's still a woman. She is with you because she likes you. You don't need to wrap her up in cotton wool or put her on a pedestal. It's not healthy.

You said you didn't want to be away from her for 'a whole weekend' and you've known her for how long? Two weeks, three? Combined with the sending flowers just says OTT to me. I am twenty and I really think I'd be kinda turned off by that. Big gestures are nice but you're only beginning a relationship here. I think the best advice anyone can give you is just to cool off and relax.