trapped

LegacyUser

Me and ex broke up over a year ago, we have children, one of whom has severe health issues,

Things were awful for the last year because he was in complete denial of sons problems, now reality has dawned, things have improved, he calls over, he chats, he jokes/slags me in a nice way and realises how serious our sons problems are, comes to hospital with me etc

I love him, he left claiming at the time he didnt love me but were were going tru hell and back with our boy with severe issues

I think he does have feelings for me but at the end of the day he is not with me. I cant move on because I see him all the time, I do ask about 'us' and he clams up, I cant get him to talk, even if it was just to confirm that he doesnt want there to be an us as I mite have some closure.

I dont want to be friends with him as I feel that is a big step down from what we were yet he seem to be getting his foot in the door but without the commitment of a relationship,

I'm in complete limbo and when you love someone and have to see them nearly every day, its soul distroying

LegacyUser

Op, Your story moved me.
You have so much on your plate. I can't imagine how tough it has been for you.
Sorry but I dont have useful advice that I can give you on how to improve matters, only to say give yourself enormous credit for holding it together under such difficult circumstances.
I hope you can work something out that gives you strength and peace of mind.

LegacyUser

I feel for you OP.. that's a very tough situation.. It seems like you're aware that he is getting some of a relationship but like you say without commitment etc. This is obviously a red flag for you, understandably.. Could you have a conversation with him saying - look we have to spend time together but I don't want to pretend to be all chummy chummy, we're not friends, we're exes - or something like that? It's more a self-protection device too. I understand you have to spend time together because of your son, but is there a way of buffering it a bit? Do you have any sisters or family who could meet him with your son rather than you?

You do need to protect yourself here, you also need to have a bit of space from this person who broke your heart. I am in a similar situation myself but not as tough as yours because we had no children. Since we broke up (i broke up but didn't have much option), we have been friends, but it was all a bit one-sided, in a way I was supporting him through the break-up and then realised that I was settling for crumbs of what once was a relationship so I've tried to stop contact, which is going okay for now.

Best of luck OP.

LegacyUser

Your replies have got it in one. He is getting the good bits of the relationship i.e the family time that I know he misses, I'm getting the crumbs, he keeps trying to joke with me, make me laugh etc, I'm also doing all the hard work of raising a child with serious health issues while he then goes home to the single life. I wonder does he try to make me laugh to ease his guilt

I cant even eat at the moment, its all bothering me so much, I'm never gonna get any space from him, I see him almost every day and dont feel I have any privacy whatsoever. I dont have much family help. I'm postive he has nobody else but possible a f**k buddy maybe

I did ask him had he moved on and he wouldnt answer, from knowing him so well that means he hasnt moved on but hes not doing anything about it or maybe he is testing the waters to see if he can come back. I have tried completely giving him the cold shoulder and that seems to make him way more interested. He caused a lot of heartache for everybody when he left as I was very close to his family and they were heartbroken

I paint a very big smile on my face every day for my sons

Gyalist

What you need is a parenting plan. Even if he has the children for two days a week it would give you a break from the drudgery and a small amount of personal time.

Why doesn't he have the children at his own place?

How Strange

Gyalist wrote: »

What you need is a parenting plan. Even if he has the children for two days a week it would give you a break from the drudgery and a small amount of personal time.
Why doesn't he have the children at his own place?

+1 to this.

OP, you need to have some free time for yourself too. That's not being selfish but allowing yourself some time off so you can deal with the stress of looking after your children when you're with them.

Also, your OH shouldn't be living the single life with all the benefits of a family. He has to actively be a father too.

I don't know how sick one of your sons is so maybe it's not possible for him to stay in your OH's overnight. If not then you should consider what alternatives are available to you to allow you to have some free time i.e one or two days every week

Danniboo

Hi OP,

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time of it and hope your son feels better soon xxx. Is it possible that your ex is still trying to get his head around all of this and freaked out which is maybe why he left (a lot of men are not good at "talking" and dealing with their emotions). Could you suggest maybe he or even both of you could go and talk to someone get things out in the open and look to move on in a healthy way so you can both have a civil relationship whether it be friends or partners. I know you say he makes you feel uncomfortable but if he is coming around every day to see your son and going to the hospital with you, i'd have to give him some credit. As for the jokes this sounds life a defence mechanism, he doesn't want to engage in awkward serious conversations or admit maybe that he is hurting aswell(over you and your son) and just tries to keep thing light and humerous. Maybe i'm way off the mark just my take on things. Stay strong xxx

LegacyUser

Danniboo wrote: »

Hi OP,

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time of it and hope your son feels better soon xxx. Is it possible that your ex is still trying to get his head around all of this and freaked out which is maybe why he left (a lot of men are not good at "talking" and dealing with their emotions). Could you suggest maybe he or even both of you could go and talk to someone get things out in the open and look to move on in a healthy way so you can both have a civil relationship whether it be friends or partners. I know you say he makes you feel uncomfortable but if he is coming around every day to see your son and going to the hospital with you, i'd have to give him some credit. As for the jokes this sounds life a defence mechanism, he doesn't want to engage in awkward serious conversations or admit maybe that he is hurting aswell(over you and your son) and just tries to keep thing light and humerous. Maybe i'm way off the mark just my take on things. Stay strong xxx

I can see exactly where you are coming from....... even if he would open up and talk to me, I could get some closure but nope he jokes and is always saying to our son to be good for mammy and mentioned me to our son a lot while I am there!!

Its like there is a huge wall that he has put up around himself. Yet he hangs around after hospital visits etc and isnt in a hurry to leave (which doesnt help me) He used to say I was very negative about our child but I was just being realistic and unfortunately I was right about his problems (mothers instinct and all that)

Even if he was to meet with me, and tell me he was never coming back it would be better than this. Ive talked about councelling to him but he doesnt open up too easy or maybe he just doesnt want me and isnt man enough to say it. I do reckon he is hurting and this is not easy for him either, he doesnt look any happier than I am

SarahSassy

I have been thinking about this since I read it the other day and was thinking what a fantastic woman you are. A lot of 'single' Mothers (some rightly) get a lot of slack for them not allowing ex's access to the kids (another debate for another day) but you are behaving magnificently.....

What I would suggest is that you get your ex to stay over to babysit your kids while you go out. Maybe its time for a few games. Have him babysit, you get all dolled up and tell him you are going out for dinner.. Dont say where or with whom and just go out even if you only go to the cinema on your own. Head off for a night if its possible with 'someone' but I think the only way to smoke him out about his feelings is to let him believe he is losing you. At this point in time he knows exactly where you are if he wants you... You may feel deceitful but all is fair in love and war

You also need to do this to get a break and its not fair that he has all the visits but none of the hard slog.... Reclaim your life and let him do his share. Good luck

LegacyUser

ive suggested he stay here overnight but he is not buying it, I sometimes feel like he is afraid of me. I texted today asking can we meet to talk. He ignored that but then hours later he sent me a text about something that was completely irrelevant. Felt like it was testing the waters so to speak

If I was to ring him asking for his help with something he would be up in a shot

Im an emotional mess at the moment with my little boys ongoing problems and this to deal with as well.

I dont he is not keeping me sweet so he can come along when he likes but I dont feel its that either

Thanks for replies!

SarahSassy

How about if you suggest to him to stay overnight when you are not there... Its not fair if he expects you to do all the donkey work and look after the kids every night to the detriment of a social life.. He cant have it all his own way.

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

How about if you suggest to him to stay overnight when you are not there... Its not fair if he expects you to do all the donkey work and look after the kids every night to the detriment of a social life.. He cant have it all his own way.

I wouldnt be able to do this as sons issues (health) are fairly severe and I'm afraid something would go wrong but it is a great idea

I have done all the donkey work for past 2 years, I try not to be bitter about it. I feel like he is trying to push for the family life that he misses but is getting the physical stuff eslewhere (he was very fond of FB before he met me)

Yesterday I more or less ignored the chat that he tried to start coz I am at the end of my tether with it now, I didnt talk at all only to answer yes or no but sure he knows will will see me most of this week.

Friends tink I need councelling but sure most of the time I dont get time to even eat.

If he would open up and even tell me he is never coming back I actully think it would be easier for me than this

Sleepy

cantmoveon wrote: »

I wouldnt be able to do this as sons issues (health) are fairly severe and I'm afraid something would go wrong but it is a great idea

Can your ex not be trusted to mind his own son? If he doesn't have skills you have, why can't he learn them?

Nevyn

Some 'Dads' just that bothered to learn tbh, yes it's sad but it happens.

Gyalist

You seem to be playing the martyr role in the hope that he'll see what a good mother you are and come back. I'm afraid that you're wasting your time. Let him mind the kids (preferably at his own place) so that you could rebuild your social life.

SarahSassy

cantmoveon wrote: »

I wouldnt be able to do this as sons issues (health) are fairly severe and I'm afraid something would go wrong but it is a great idea

OP I think Sleepy is right... He has to learn the skills. God forbid but what if something happened to you - he would have no choice then... MEn are equally able to mind kids as women but I think we sometimes give them not enough credit.

I think if I were you, I would be assuming, as he has said nothing and wont discuss it, that he is not intending to come back... This will allow you move on and if he does come back then its a bonus. As you said, its all his way at the mo so why not change that and shake it up a bit. You also deserve a life too. He left and he is still choosing for you (e.g. by refusing to have them overnight) but he cant have it all his own way. I fully advocate fathers having equal rights and access to their kids but he is using this to his own benefit as it suits him which is to your detriment... Maybe you should consider that and the arrangements... Why should you have no time to yourself and be forced to sit in every night while he can go where he wants? No fair and not equal.

LegacyUser

Gyalist wrote: »

You seem to be playing the martyr role in the hope that he'll see what a good mother you are and come back. I'm afraid that you're wasting your time. Let him mind the kids (preferably at his own place) so that you could rebuild your social life.

I think you should walk a day in the life of a full time carer before you make comments like that. Its not a martyr role, its 24/7 and not knowing what the future may hold is pretty scary not to mind totally isolating particularly as I have not mentioned the exact issues my son has. I dont need to prove what a good mother I am but he most certainly has to prove a lot in the father role which I have to admit lately he is doing his best but there were times when child came last of his list of priorities.

I'm trying to slowly but surely teach him what he needs to know. He was in denial for a long time about how serious his sons issues were. They are very good points you have all brought up

SarahSassy

cantmoveon wrote: »

I think you should walk a day in the life of a full time carer before you make comments like that. Its not a martyr role, its 24/7 and not knowing what the future may hold is pretty scary not to mind totally isolating particularly as I have not mentioned the exact issues my son has. I dont need to prove what a good mother I am but he most certainly has to prove a lot in the father role which I have to admit lately he is doing his best but there were times when child came last of his list of priorities.

I'm trying to slowly but surely teach him what he needs to know. He was in denial for a long time about how serious his sons issues were. They are very good points you have all brought up

OP from what you have told us you are a star so dont let random comments get you down...

LegacyUser

Thanks its not a thankless job though coz I get great big smiles from a child who has suffered an awful lot in their short life and who has to try so hard to do the small things that everybody else takes for granted.

He admitted today to me that some msgs I sent a few months ago upset him, I had said there was no us in them. I explained that I had been very angry when I sent them. Again he tried to joke with me, I was having none of it, he opened up a little but not much but its a start I guess.

Eve_Dublin

Gyalist wrote: »

You seem to be playing the martyr role in the hope that he'll see what a good mother you are and come back. I'm afraid that you're wasting your time. Let him mind the kids (preferably at his own place) so that you could rebuild your social life.

This was a stupidly insensitive, tactless and arrogant comment. There´s a real person behind that user name...have a bit of tact and sensitivity ffs. :mad: