Emigration Woes

LegacyUser

I guess this might be a problem thats affecting a lot of people so hopefully you'll have some advice. I'm emigrating for work next month. It's a good job (couldn't find anything remotely decent here for the last few months) but it's on the West coast of America so pretty far away from home. The problem is my mother. She's not too old but she's widowed and is quite needy. She's also has always been very over-protective. As the big moving day is getting closer she's becoming less supportive and more passive-aggressive and using emotional blackmail.

Here are several things she has said/done
- That I've always wanted to leave home and do my own thing, the job is just a convenient way to escape from the family (family life has been pretty tough in the last few years due to death and other troubles).
- That I care more about leaving my friends than her. (I guess she's basing this on my goodbye coffees/drinks, to be fair, numerically I have about 50-100 people I really want to see again before I leave and only one of her, even if i get lots of them together it's still takes a lot of effort).
-Keeps cancelling any attempt I make to have a special family dinner or event ("Sure you don't care, you're only doing it for show").

I know deep down she's just lashing out because she's gonna be lonely and miss me but how am I supposed to help her with the transition if she's just continuing to be nasty and hurtful to me. It's a stressful situation enough and I already feel sad that I'm leaving my homeland, friends AND family. I already have tried plans to make the move easier for her (set her up with skype, planned a visit home in the Summer, asked some of her friends to look after her while I'm gone). I almost want to just give up on my efforts since she doesn't appreciate them anyway, show her what a real inattentive son can be like.

I want to leave on good terms and not have this situation continue in a long distance format when I'm away so any advice or personal experience would be much appreciated

Overheal

Thats frankly, her problem. Not yours. And you're letting her get to you when you shouldn't. She's not going to be happy short of you Canceling your trip and staying home, or bringing her along (which I don't recommend as a Bluff).

The more you worry about what she thinks, the more you're going to validate her preconception just through the act of rising to her blackmail. Just ignore the Blackmail attempts; you dont necessarily have to ignore Her.

Presumably she could be in some form of Denial: Its possible she [Wrongly] thinks personally that its her fault that you're leaving, that she did something wrong as a parent. So she's concocting her own fantasy that protects her from blaming herself. If that's true, the other thing you can try is spending just a little bit of time to remind her she's special to you and that she raised a wonderful son and did nothing wrong. And that you leaving to America is just the product of giving you her son the opportunity to learn and grow and get great opportunities like see the world and go be successful.

ConsiderThis

doingmybest wrote: »

I guess this might be a problem thats affecting a lot of people so hopefully you'll have some advice. I'm emigrating for work next month. It's a good job (couldn't find anything remotely decent here for the last few months) but it's on the West coast of America so pretty far away from home. The problem is my mother. She's not too old but she's widowed and is quite needy. She's also has always been very over-protective. As the big moving day is getting closer she's becoming less supportive and more passive-aggressive and using emotional blackmail.

Here are several things she has said/done
- That I've always wanted to leave home and do my own thing, the job is just a convenient way to escape from the family (family life has been pretty tough in the last few years due to death and other troubles).
- That I care more about leaving my friends than her. (I guess she's basing this on my goodbye coffees/drinks, to be fair, numerically I have about 50-100 people I really want to see again before I leave and only one of her, even if i get lots of them together it's still takes a lot of effort).
-Keeps cancelling any attempt I make to have a special family dinner or event ("Sure you don't care, you're only doing it for show").

I know deep down she's just lashing out because she's gonna be lonely and miss me but how am I supposed to help her with the transition if she's just continuing to be nasty and hurtful to me. It's a stressful situation enough and I already feel sad that I'm leaving my homeland, friends AND family. I already have tried plans to make the move easier for her (set her up with skype, planned a visit home in the Summer, asked some of her friends to look after her while I'm gone). I almost want to just give up on my efforts since she doesn't appreciate them anyway, show her what a real inattentive son can be like.

I want to leave on good terms and not have this situation continue in a long distance format when I'm away so any advice or personal experience would be much appreciated

I can understand her feeling that you are moving away, almost to the other side of the world, and that she is losing you. More especially so if she has always been over-protective, as you say.

It's probably also occurred to her that she may also lose out on being part of your family, should you have one in the USA, as many mothers look forward to being involved in their child's family.

It's natural that you should feel protective towards her too, but you both know that staying in Ireland merely to assuage that feeling is probably not in your long term best interests.

Saying goodbye is never easy, and some mothers are just better at hiding what she is unable to hide. But they all feel it.

Enjoy the USA and she'll realise that it's not as far away as she think once you get there and keep in touch.

Svalbard

OP, it sounds like you are doing all the right things and short of deciding not to go nothing else is going to help.

She obviously has very strong emotions about you leaving and is dealing with them poorly. Thats not a bad reflection on your mum, many people in similar circumstances would act as she is. As the above poster said, all mothers feel this but some deal with it better than others.

My advice would be to calmly tell her you love her and will miss her, but you need to go for the sake of your career and your future. Difficult as it might be not to get upset with her behaviour, try to leave on a good note with no harsh words from your side. By the sounds of it I'm sure you wouldn't do that anyway.

For your mum this is a huge upheaval, especially in light of recent family events. She has to deal with this in her own way and ultimately it is up to her to make peace with it.

Be patient, keep in contact and make the effort to travel home especially in the initial phase (a few weeks in summer is a great idea) and also at christmas. That's about all you can do.

All the best in the States.

shellyboo

Ask her if this is how she wants to spend your last few weeks together before you leave. Just call her out on it, as in "Mam, I know you don't want me to go, but I'm going no matter what. We can spend the next few weeks fighting about it and being angry with eachother, or we can spend quality time together that we'll both remember fondly when I'm away. It's your choice."

krudler

Irish mammy syndrome at its finest, I'd call her out on it OP, you have a chance to see the world and experience something most people would kill for, if it was easier for me and I had a job oppurtunity in the States you wouldnt see me for dust I'd be gone that quickly. I was on the reverse of this where my parents retired and moved abroad, not as far, just to Spain, but its still another country and I see them probably 4-5 times a year since they've gone, I could have easily played the "you're abondoning me" card but I'm delighted for them, they've done something productive with their retirement instead of sitting around here and complaining about the weather and having nothing to do.

Make it clear that no amount of blackmailing or "woe is me" belittling of you is going to stop you from going, and its on her if you leaving ends on a sour note

miec

Hi Op

As you rightly point out that she is lashing out but how do you deal with it is the problem. I would suggest saying to her 'Mum/Ma/Mam whatever term you use, the things you are saying are hurtful and causing tension between us before I move away and I'd like you to stop lashing out' and keep repeating that to her or something similar, see the thing is your leaving home is her issue to deal with, not yours. You have every right to seek a job any where in the world, to plan get togethers with your friends, none of these make you any less loving as a son. I am a mother myself and one day I will be in your mother's shoes and I know it will be hard for me but I have always been aware and beat it into my head that our children are on loan to us, they have to fly away and make their own lives and as such I always maintained outside interests from the home. Your mum is going to have to build a life for herself and it is not up to you to fix it for her, she has to do it herself. Your moving away could be the making of her as a person as she will either pine and snipe at you or she will make a life of her own, but whatever choice she makes, it is her responsibility. Remember that and tell that to her face as well when she has a go at you, put the ball firmly back in her court. Good luck with your move, it is sad that our woeful economy is causing emigration again and I wish you all the success.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, Im in the exact same boat as you. Leaving for the states next month all going well. My mother is behaving the same.....being really negative about everything. I know its just because she will be sad to see me go. She actually had the idea that when I went over I wouldnt be able to come back for years as children of people she knows have previously travelled without visas and cant come home. Once I explained that I would be home regularly, and had no plans to stay there forever, her attitude improved a little.....just a little though It will be difficult to go, but I know its a great opportunity for me and there is no point in me hanging round here on the dole when I have a very good job offer over there. Just keep reassuring your mum that you wont be dropping off the face of the planet and cell her often when you get there. Im sure a few weeks after youve gone she will be bragging to all the neighbours about her son in america with his great job