Short story, feedback/criticism appreciated!

SmokeyJo84

Just posting this short story I wrote to get some criticism/feedback on my writing. Used to love writing when I was in school and decided to get back into it as a New Years resolution.
Have signed up for a creative writing course in my local school and I'm nervous about it so feedback would be appreciated to ease me into hearing criticism before I start the class!

Thanks very much!

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Since Babs left her family home, all those years ago, she found she had inherited her mother’s fastidious nature. From living in a dorm in teacher training college, to living with her husband and rearing her children, Babs always rose at 6am to begin her daily tasks. Even now in the nursing home, she woke up before any other resident. First she began her routine by washing herself over the sink, despite having the luxury of the walk in shower. She dressed herself in the clothes she laid out the night before. Her stockings were carefully knotted above the knee and the rollers were pulled from her hair. Dentures washed, hearing aid slotted into her ear, lipstick and face powder carefully applied. She stuffed her hankies up her sleeve and hung her plastic rosary beads around her neck.

Prepared for the day Babs turned her attention to her surroundings. The room in the nursing home was nice, not too big and not too small. The walls were a deep green, the chair was cream and her bedspread was a royal blue. She had a wardrobe, a locker and a bedside table. The glass double doors opened up to a small patio space, where she threw dinner scraps for the feral cats. She had space for some plants and photographs and that was about it. It was enough for her. Using the plastic cup from last night’s medication round as a watering can, she pottered from plant to plant. Babs forgot which plants were artificial so she watered everything, just in case.

After her gardening duties, she tidied her locker and table next. There were photographs of her children, Monica and David, and her grandchildren. There were packets of sweets and biscuits, most of which were out of date. Babs removed a small toiletries bag, which contained €5, a spare battery for her hearing aid and a small photograph of her husband, from beneath her pillow and placed it in the locker. Her table had water marks from cups spilled due to her shaky hands. There were Christmas cards sent from people she no longer could put a face on. Out of date magazines were tidied to make room on the table for the breakfast tray. The nurse from the night shift stuck her head around the door to see if she needed anything before going off duty. Babs declined any offer of help.

After tidying her things, Babs sat on the bed to rest for a few moments. In some ways she was thankful that she wasn’t in her big house anymore, the upkeep of it had just gotten too much, but she missed her house and all the things in it that made it her home. Monica had sold the house, despite much protest, to pay for the nursing home. All Babs owned now were the objects in this room. The staff and other residents were nice, as was the place itself. But it would never be home. Days revolved around mealtimes and medication rounds, daily activities and work shifts. Gone were the days when she planned her own schedule which is why Babs clung on to her routine, her habits. They reminded her of her youth, her mother, her husband, her life.

She stood up again and set about the task of making the bed. The bed was very low, in case she fell out of it, which made it tricky to make. Sheets straightened and tucked in, pillows plumped and blankets smoothed. Babs worked from one side to the other, her balance shaky as she stooped down. Making the bed always reminded her of her husband and Saturday morning’s past. She used to get up on a Saturday to go to early Mass, like she did everyday, but her husband always enjoyed a lie in. She would make her side of the bed with him still in it, pulling the top sheet tight and tucking him in. Joe used complain that she disturbed him but it was a sort of affectionate exchange between them that happened each week without fail. Babs missed Joe more than anything. His Alzheimer’s had robbed him of his memories, his words, and his identity. It was too confusing and stressful for him to leave his nursing home and it upset her too much to accept that he no longer recognised her.

A nurse knocked on the door before entering the room with the morning medication.
“Good morning Babs. Did you sleep well?” she asked, handing Babs the small medicine cup full of tablets.
“Morning Nurse. Another day!”
“Another day is right! The hairdresser will be here today if you want your hair done. I was going to give you fresh sheets for the bed; will I remake it for you later?”
“No Nurse, it’s grand as it is. I like to do it myself.”
“Oh I know, I was just offering. You look nice today, is that a new lipstick?”
“Yeah, Monica brought it in for me. I always made an effort for my husband Nurse. Everyday! He said it brightened up his day after work!”
The nurse smiled at Babs.
“That’s nice Babs, I could learn a lot from you. My boyfriend always complains I don’t make enough of an effort for him!”
“Well I’ll tell you this love, something my mother always told me. Habits are everything, even when it comes to love. People always think habits are boring but they’re safe! Secure.”
The nurse smiled again at Babs.
“I’ll remember that Babs. I’ll leave fresh sheets in for you later for whenever you want to change your bed. Breakfast will be here in a minute.”
“See you love,” Babs called after her.

The door clicked shut behind the nurse. Babs took her tablets one by one starting with the bigger tablets and finishing with the fiddly ones. She chased each tablet with a gulp of water. She lay back down on the bed to wait for her breakfast, as she did everyday. Just another part of the routine.

lizzyd66

Thank you for posting this up. I really enjoyed reading it. I think you have a very natural style of writing , it flows well. Your main character was believable and I thought the level of detail you included was just right. I'm not a writer but an avid reader and would encourage you to continue. Hope you enjoy your class - I joined one once but was too nervous to read my stuff outlloud which defeated the object! I look forward to reading more from you.

Bigdeadlydave

I liked it I particularly like the description of the water chasing the tablets, dunno why though

pinkladee

Hi, I really liked this, it flowed really well, if this were a book I'd keep reading

smcelhinney

Very good.

The action interspersed with characters reflection is really well balanced. There's nothing worse than reading reams of one or the other.

Would love to see some more.