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Life Turned Upside Down By Compulsive Gambling

  • 13-01-2010 1:06pm
    #1
    Sharmon1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭


    I recently found out that my Fiance has a Compulsive Gambling problem & has lied to me for the past 10 yrs. My life has been turned upside down (we were due to be married but had to cancel), he is in a lot of debt & I just don't know what to do. Has anyone else ever been affected by a spouse partner with a Compulsive Gambling problem? How did you get through it?


Comments

  • #2
    ConsiderThis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 230 ✭✭ConsiderThis


    Sharmon1 wrote: »
    I recently found out that my Fiance has a Compulsive Gambling problem & has lied to me for the past 10 yrs. My life has been turned upside down (we were due to be married but had to cancel), he is in a lot of debt & I just don't know what to do. Has anyone else ever been affected by a spouse partner with a Compulsive Gambling problem? How did you get through it?

    The received wisdom is that someone with an addiction ( usually drink drugs or gambling) needs to stop and get help to keep off their addiction.

    I once had a partner who was alcoholic and I realised that the addiction was more important than me. Despite promises that she would give up alcohol after we were married, I was strong and said i would only consider marriage until she had given up alcohol and had received treatment and was showing signs that she was not returning to alcohol.

    We parted and she went on to make a marriage elsewhere which fell apart due to her drinking, and we have lost tough now although the last I heard she was still addicted and unable to maintain a relationship.

    This is serious for you, and i can't suggest strongly enough you find and go to a local meeting for partners of those addicted to gambling. http://www.gamblersanonymous.ie/gamAnon/gamAnonHome.html is a link to help for those partners or spouses of those addicted to gambling, and you can be sure you will find there many others who have been through what you have been through and what you are going to go through.

    Good luck!


  • #3
    Kiera
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13,130 ✭✭✭✭Kiera


    I went out with a compulsive gambler for 5 years. Your partner needs to want to get help and actually do something about it. Not promise to do it. Like any addiction, they get tunnel vision and only see the end result ie. If he just puts this last 50 quid on a horse or red then he’ll sort himself out. My ex promised time and time again he’d get help but he never did so I had to walk.

    Have a look online for GA meetings in your area and ask him to go to them. They usually have a group meeting on at the same time for people affected by gambling too so it might be a good idea to go to this yourself so you learn how to help him in his recovery.

    Best of luck.


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    First thing is at least you know about it now thats a big step.. Problem is at the moment it is very easy to gamble... get him to email (with you sitting next to him if necessary) all the online accounts to get the accounts suspended/blocked not sure if you can get your bank to block online deposits worth checking out though. Next thing is get a self imposed ban from all the casinos in the area again the harder it is to gamble the better. I can guarantee he doesn't like what he's doing he just can't help himself.. If he's ready to change force (not ask) him to show you bank statements and you can even try assigning a budget etc You can get him banned from local bookmakers aswel. Finally try find a different area for him to focus on eg getting fit, 5 aside soccer. Alot of people revert after drinking. Could be wirth talking to his friends ask them not to give him money put bets on for him etc...

    Best of Luck


  • #5
    ConsiderThis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 230 ✭✭ConsiderThis


    Kiera wrote: »
    I went out with a compulsive gambler for 5 years. ...My ex promised time and time again he’d get help but he never did so I had to walk.

    Best of luck.

    Thats a pretty universal experience and the only course open to someone in a relationship with an addict is to tell the addict that they relationship is over until such times that the addicition is cured. Waiting about in a relationship for an addict to seek help, or while the addict makes promises to seek help, usually serves to enable them to continue in their addiction. T statistics show that the vast majority of addicts will not seek help early on, and many take years to do so, and some never do so.

    The OP has to take care of herself and her mental well being, and staying in a relationship with an addict is not good for her, and not good for him.

    I really do implore the OP to call http://www.gamblersanonymous.ie/gamA...mAnonHome.html and discuss this with someone who has experience of a similar relationship.


  • #6
    Kiera
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13,130 ✭✭✭✭Kiera


    ConsiderThis wrote: »
    Thats a pretty universal experience and the only course open to someone in a relationship with an addict is to tell the addict that they relationship is over until such times that the addicition is cured. Waiting about in a relationship for an addict to seek help, or while the addict makes promises to seek help, usually serves to enable them to continue in their addiction. T statistics show that the vast majority of addicts will not seek help early on, and many take years to do so, and some never do so.

    The OP has to take care of herself and her mental well being, and staying in a relationship with an addict is not good for her, and not good for him.

    I really do implore the OP to call http://www.gamblersanonymous.ie/gamA...mAnonHome.html and discuss this with someone who has experience of a similar relationship.
    Are you for real? You're telling her to leave her partner until he is better? I'm sorry but that way of thinking is not the way people who love someone behave! You try help the ones you love, not walk away from them in the hope they sort themselves out!

    If the said help doesnt work and he is still gambling then she should walk as it will be clear he has no interest in getting better.


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  • #7
    ConsiderThis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 230 ✭✭ConsiderThis


    Kiera wrote: »
    Are you for real? You're telling her to leave her partner until he is better? I'm sorry but that way of thinking is not the way people who love someone behave! You try help the ones you love, not walk away from them in the hope they sort themselves out!

    If the said help doesnt work and he is still gambling then she should walk as it will be clear he has no interest in getting better.

    I'm suggesting ( as opposed to telling) that she might consider being assisted and guided here, by others who have been through the same experience, http://www.gamblersanonymous.ie/gamA...mAnonHome.html , rather than doing it alone.

    You seem to interpret the phrase "relationship is over" with "leave her partner" which is not what I either meant or said.

    Generally, one has to be very clear and direct in the signals one gives an addict. In reality, the relationship is over due to the fact the addict prefers his addiction to his relationship, except in cases where there is some sort of co-dependency or where one side is happy to act as an enabler.

    Mixed messages will often be misinterpreted by an addict as permission to continue with the addiction. Sure, it's an option to pretend the relationship is still ok ( as opposed to telling the addict that the relationship is over until such times as the addiction is successfully overcome), But is so doing one runs the risk of the addict misinterpreting the message, and either drawing out the period of recovery, or allowing the addict further time to become more addicted.

    Lets be clear, I am recommending that the OP contacts http://www.gamblersanonymous.ie/gamA...mAnonHome.html and lets others help her to help herself and her partner.


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