I want my ex to leave

LegacyUser

I had an ill-advised relationship with a guy I work with. He ended it in a very messy way which left me realing and knocked me sideways because I never saw it coming.

I'm now with someone new but I still have to see my ex every day in work. He has glossed over the whole "I dumped you in a horrible way" situation and is constantly trying to maintain a level of friendship which I have told him I do not want - I never stay in touch with exes, and why would I waste my friendship on someone who treated me so badly?
My OH is fine with the situation, he knows that I'd never go back to my ex.

I'm posting because I need to vent but also need some advice or maybe a good sharp taking to! I want my ex to leave where we work. I know it might sound unreasonable, but he is the reason we are in such an akward situation, he decided to dump me, I wanted to keep the relationship going and tried to work things out, while he wanted to dump me, maintain a friendship as he said he "didn't want to lose such a good friend", and is now texting me to meet for coffee etc, which I've told him I do not want.

I think its either me or him, and why should I leave a job I love because this guy is making life so difficult for me? Should I confront him or just ignore his contact and hope it will fade away?

MissFlitworth

UNREASONABLE? wrote: »

I want my ex to leave where we work. I know it might sound unreasonable, but he is the reason we are in such an akward situation, he decided to dump me, I wanted to keep the relationship going and tried to work things out, while he wanted to dump me,

Completely and utterly unreasonable, yes. He might be a pr*ck but that doesn't mean he should leave a job in the middle of a recession. It would be hugely unprofessional of you to confront him/suggest it to him

Miss Fluff

No, you're not in a position to suggest he leaves his job.

You are in a position to make it plain and clear to him that you don't want him to contact you or talk to you or have anything to do with you. Him suggesting meeting up for coffee are not the actions of someone who thinks that the relationship is in any way frosty. I think perhaps you may need to talk to him once more and tell him while it is thoroughly unpleasant having to share breathing space with him, you'd really prefer it if he deletes your number and forget you exist.

kraggy

How exactly is he being a prick? You both went into the relationship as consenting adults. He decided it wasn't for him, which he is entitled to do, and you got hurt.

But that does not equate to being a prick.

You are an adult with a certain amount of intelligence who knows the risks of getting into a relationship.

If I were him and you asked me to leave my job, I'd tell you to get ****ed.

You have absolutely no right.

Kiera

You have no right to request he leaves his job.

You do have the right to ignore him and not reply to his texts/emails. He'll get the hint and leave you alone.

kenbrady

UNREASONABLE? wrote: »

He ended it in a very messy way which left me realing and knocked me sideways because I never saw it coming.

How did it end in a very messy way ?
Seems he wanted to end the relationship and you didn't. Unless there is something more about the break up. I think you are being overly dramatic, constantly mentioning how he dumped you.
The same way you are being overly dramatic wanting him to leave his job. All because he didn't want to go out with you anymore.

Wagon

Kiera wrote: »

You do have the right to ignore him and not reply to his texts/emails. He'll get the hint and leave you alone.

I'm reading between the lines here though and i don't think he is, or else he's just ignoring the issue. So i can understad where the OP is coming from.

UNREASONABLE? wrote: »

He has glossed over the whole "I dumped you in a horrible way" situation and is constantly trying to maintain a level of friendship which I have told him I do not want - I never stay in touch with exes, and why would I waste my friendship on someone who treated me so badly?

No problem with that. Im the same.

My OH is fine with the situation, he knows that I'd never go back to my ex.

Good to hear.

I'm posting because I need to vent but also need some advice or maybe a good sharp taking to! I want my ex to leave where we work.

You can't make him leave. He still can work there.

I know it might sound unreasonable, but he is the reason we are in such an akward situation, he decided to dump me, I wanted to keep the relationship going and tried to work things out, while he wanted to dump me, maintain a friendship as he said he "didn't want to lose such a good friend", and is now texting me to meet for coffee etc, which I've told him I do not want.

Here's the real issue. He isn't listening. That would piss me off.

I think its either me or him, and why should I leave a job I love because this guy is making life so difficult for me? Should I confront him or just ignore his contact and hope it will fade away?

He seems like one of these eejits that need everything painted out before them. Tell him you'll talk about work if its necissary. Otherwise, he should leave you alone. You aren't interested in his friendship, you wanted a relationship and when he decided to end that, these are the consequences of his actions. It's easier to communicate on a professional level because eventually you'll just see him as part of the furniture.

Kiera

Wagon wrote: »

I'm reading between the lines here though and i don't think he is, or else he's just ignoring the issue. So i can understad where the OP is coming from.

Yes but she keeps telling him she doesnt want to. This isnt working to the next step would be to ignore him. He'll soon get tired of her ignoring him.

Wagon

Kiera wrote: »

Yes but she keeps telling him she doesnt want to. This isnt working to the next step would be to ignore him. He'll soon get tired of her ignoring him.

Sure hope so. He sounds like a pain in the arse :P

LegacyUser

I wrote that post in a bit of a rush, I have to say! I don't want to come across as dramatic, its just that I'm back to all this nonsense after being away from him for Christmas and this week the ex has asked me to go to the movies, for coffee and lunch on different days. I had this out with him before Christmas, and I know its how he ended the relationship that made me realise he is not a friend I want to have.

One poster asked about the messy end. Basically, we were getting on great and he suggested we should have a weekend away where he introduced me to some of his friends. When we got back, he went on and on about how great it was to be away and that we were really great together etc. This was on a Sunday. The next week we were in work and he basically ignored me for the whole week. He didn't even aknowledge emails I sent about work matters.
The next Sunday he called and said he was on the way over to my house for a chat. He came in and said he only had half an hour to talk because he was meeting his brother for lunch and said "I've thought for a while the spark is gone and I don't think we are good together. I need a week to think about things" after he had already had a week of ignoring me. I was very upset and he said he knew he was being an a** but he had to go because he had other arrangments (why pick such a rubbish time then?).
He then ignored me for another week, came over the next Sunday morning, said we should give things another go, slept with me as part of the "getting back together properly" bit and said things had turned around and he was really happy. Then, another week of ignoring me before he called me at 11pm the following Sunday to say "I think we're done, don't you".

I think by anyone's standards, thats all a bit messy. Why would anyone treat anyone like that and mess them around if they actually wanted to maintain a friendship. I told him if he had treated with with more respect and dignity at the end, some sort of friendship would have been possible, but he thinks he handled it well and now thinks I'm the one who is making life difficult.

BTW, we are in a recession-proof industry and he could change depts very easily so thats not an issue.

OS119

Kiera wrote: »

Yes but she keeps telling him she doesnt want to. This isnt working to the next step would be to ignore him. He'll soon get tired of her ignoring him.

the next step is actually line management or HR - assuming she's told him unequivecally that she doesn't want to have any non-work contact with him. if her persists, then she has every right to ask her employer to ensure her non-harrassment.

the threat of it should work, but if he's very stupid he'll have a sans coffee chat with HR and possible dismissal...

The Nice Jumper

You could maybe set up a meeting with him and a mediator in HR (if there's a HR dept) and just make it official. Otherwise, you could change your phone number.

Kiera

OS119 wrote: »

the next step is actually line management or HR - assuming she's told him unequivecally that she doesn't want to have any non-work contact with him. if her persists, then she has every right to ask her employer to ensure her non-harrassment.

the threat of it should work, but if he's very stupid he'll have a sans coffee chat with HR and possible dismissal...

If he is asking her to go for coffee outside work then it is not a work issue.

Barracudaincork

UNREASONABLE? wrote: »

The next week we were in work and he basically ignored me for the whole week. He didn't even aknowledge emails I sent about work matters.

Why did you bother with him after this? You kinda set yourself to be treated like crap by doing this, as he got away with it once so he did it again. In your post you said he slept with you, as if you werent there, you both slept together, it was a joint adult decision which you have to take responsibility for also.

I know this guy messed you about and no one deserves that, but you cant expect him to leave his job becuase of this. If the calling and asking out for coffee is too much and you beleive he is harrassing you, then speak to the police about it. You dont deserve to be harrassed in or out of work.

Nevyn

Kiera wrote: »

If he is asking her to go for coffee outside work then it is not a work issue.

If he is asking her while in work to go for coffee and choosing to interact with her in a way she doesn't want about non work matters then it's harassment in the work place, plus she stated he has ignored emails from her on work matters which is not professional.

OP you can't get him to leave and it's not right for you to harrash him into leaving or to use HR polices to put pressure on him or force him to leave.

Firstly I suggest that you email the ex and keep a copy stating you only want to interact with him in a professional capacity about work matters and nothing else.

Then would suggest talking to your manager, explain that he is an ex and you only want to interact with him in a professional capacity about work matters and nothing else.

You should also consider changing your phone number.

If he tries to talk to you in work ask him is this about a work matter, if he says no then walk way saying you are busy.

sam34

jesus h christ, what makes you think you have the right to get someone to leave their job???

your relationship ended badly, and thats a pity.
but that doesnt give you the divine right to be a martyr about it.

its unfortunate that you work with him, but as others have said, make it abundently clear that you only want to interact with him about work related matters. end of story.
if he persists in contacting you after you make this clear, then thats another matter.

but, thinking you can make him leave- wtf?? thats beyond ridiculous, and if you suggested it to him i'd say you'd find yourself fired pretty quickly, and rightly so, imo.

denhaagenite

I'll admit that this is irritating and awkward, but you are being really dramatic.

You'd only just met his friends so it can't have been a very long relationship. It wasn't messy he just ignored you. If you get him to leave the office, then it will be messy.

Just go for coffee with him, tell him you don't really see him as a friend and let that be that.

Or don't, whatever you think but for the love of god, don't start causing trouble at work as I can guarantee it won't work out in your favour!

Chinafoot

UNREASONABLE? wrote: »

He has glossed over the whole "I dumped you in a horrible way" situation and is constantly trying to maintain a level of friendship which I have told him I do not want - I never stay in touch with exes, and why would I waste my friendship on someone who treated me so badly?

Because you work together and you need to be a grown up and get on with things. Breaking up was always a possibility. Yes, it was a crap way to end things but its happened and you need to get past it for the sake of your job.

You don't have to be his friend but you need to maintain a level of professionalism at work, for the sake of all your co-workers if nothing else.

UNREASONABLE? wrote:

BTW, we are in a recession-proof industry and he could change depts very easily so thats not an issue.

So why don't you do it then?

Taltos

Op - to me from your posts it appears you let him have all the control in the relationship and he is continuing in this assertive role via these continued requests out.

However - while it is OK to want him to move job - you cannot seriously in any realm of reality expect that just because you want something and just because your industry is recession proof that it will be so.

I am not going to jump over you anymore than that and to say - grow up, smell the coffee and realise it is not all about you.

Sorry for being so harsh.
Now you do need to though stand up and take control of this situation - as I think it could continue indefinitely like this.
I can see you have spoken to him already - but I think maybe he did not hear you or did not want to hear you.
Someone has already mentioned HR - that is one option.
Another is with backup (someone you trust to back you up) next time he asks you / sends you an email - sit him down and explain in a calm and clear voice - that his continued requests are not appreciated or wanted. He needs to limit himself to work matters only or you may need to speak to HR or his manager - just keep those mails. This threat should be enough.
You might need to back it up though - if you get a smart reply etc - to do just that. I have only had to make this threat once after being sexually harassed by a co-worker in front of her colleagues - she immediately apologised and we never looked back. Our work relationship though was fine - you need to focus though on always being professional.

Going forward - it might be a good idea to date outside of work for this very reason. It can work - but when it doesn't it can get very messy instead.

Wagon

I think everyone is missing the actual issue. You can work in an office without being friends. Not impossible at all, with a bit of work you can maintain an air of professionalism with difficult people. She doesn't want him gone because he's an ex. It's his behaviour. The problem is arising because the git won't take the hint and leave her alone. That's what's pissing her off and that's why she's posting here.

Aurora Borealis

Hem, no I don't think you have the right by any stretch of the imagination to ask him to leave. Granted it may prove awkward but the aftermath of a broken relationship can often be awkward to the ninth degree. That said you do not have to accept persistent unwanted attention from a co-worker.

The relationship on a personal level is obviously behind you, notwithstanding the current work situation - you're happy in another relationship so try and focus on that. With regard to your work situation I would calmly and clearly let him know that I wasn't interested in contact in any way on a social level one last time. I would then continue to try and remain civil in a work context. It would be unprofessional not to. If he persists in asking you for coffees, lunch dates etc in work I would suggest speaking to a supervisor and documenting such occurrences.

Just be certain that if you do go to management with this that you are not doing so out of spite.

I don't envy your situation. A city can seem too small after a break up nevermind an office but keep your cool and try not to let your feelings come into play as best you can during work hours.

Chinafoot

Wagon wrote: »

I think everyone is missing the actual issue. You can work in an office without being friends. Not impossible at all, with a bit of work you can maintain an air of professionalism with difficult people. She doesn't want him gone because he's an ex. It's his behaviour. The problem is arising because the git won't take the hint and leave her alone. That's what's pissing her off and that's why she's posting here.

Thats all fair enough but to be very honest, I'm doubtful of her level of professionalism given the tone of her posts here. Maybe the guy wants to meet to clear the air so they can move on. If it was a case of harassment why doesnt she go to HR?

Expecting him to move departments when she's not willing to do it herself is totally unreasonable.

mood

UNREASONABLE? wrote: »

I had an ill-advised relationship with a guy I work with. He ended it in a very messy way which left me realing and knocked me sideways because I never saw it coming.

I'm now with someone new but I still have to see my ex every day in work. He has glossed over the whole "I dumped you in a horrible way" situation and is constantly trying to maintain a level of friendship which I have told him I do not want - I never stay in touch with exes, and why would I waste my friendship on someone who treated me so badly?
My OH is fine with the situation, he knows that I'd never go back to my ex.

I'm posting because I need to vent but also need some advice or maybe a good sharp taking to! I want my ex to leave where we work. I know it might sound unreasonable, but he is the reason we are in such an akward situation, he decided to dump me, I wanted to keep the relationship going and tried to work things out, while he wanted to dump me, maintain a friendship as he said he "didn't want to lose such a good friend", and is now texting me to meet for coffee etc, which I've told him I do not want.

I think its either me or him, and why should I leave a job I love because this guy is making life so difficult for me? Should I confront him or just ignore his contact and hope it will fade away?

OP you are both the reason you are in such a mess, not just him. When you start seeing someone you work with you are risking getting into the situation you find yourself in. You should have been aware of this. You can't have expected him to keep the relationship going just to keep the peace. Ok maybe he was horrible during the break up but it is unreasonable to expect him to leave the job. Just be civil in work but turn down his suggestions for coffee etc. He should get the hint in time and if he doesn't say in a joking way that you might call into HR if he keeps asking you for coffee. That should be enough to put a stop to it.

Wagon

Chinafoot wrote: »

Thats all fair enough but to be very honest, I'm doubtful of her level of professionalism given the tone of her posts here.

She's not in work here. Why should she need to be professional.

Maybe the guy wants to meet to clear the air so they can move on.

It doesn't sound like it. When someone says they aren't interested in being your friend...it's pretty clear cut isn't it?

If it was a case of harassment why doesnt she go to HR?

Could be the right idea if he keeps ignoring her requests to leave her alone.

Expecting him to move departments when she's not willing to do it herself is totally unreasonable.

Yes it is and yes they are both responsible for their actions but what im getting from this whole situation is:
1 - They went out
2 - broke up
3 - she decided he was a bit of a wanker because of how he handled everything
4 - told him she didn't want to remain friends because of this. Fair enough.
5 - he seems to forget that last part, glosses over the break up thinking he handled it well and continues to text her.

I don't want to come across as dramatic, its just that I'm back to all this nonsense after being away from him for Christmas and this week the ex has asked me to go to the movies, for coffee and lunch on different days.

How exactly did you tell him you wearn't interested in knowing him? Were you nice and polite or did you put the foot down and tell him to bugger off?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, thanks a million for replies, I really didn't expect so many and some of your comments, while difficult to hear, have brought me down to earth and made me realise that this is something I'll just have to live with.

Wagon, in response, I took a long Christmas break and I'm only back this week. Before this my ex had asked us to go for a chat and I used it as an opportunity to tell him straight out that I was seeing someone else, that it was not appropriate for us to hang out and that I did not want us to have a social life together, and that I would only interact with him on a professional level-ie have lunch if it was a large group and not just him and me.

This week he asked if I wanted to go to the cinema Monday (ignored his text) and has asked to go for coffee and lunch on other days. I repeated that I did not think this was appropriate and did not want to meet him inside work if its just us or outside at all.

I think I'll just have to be firmer with him. I do not want to drag in HR etc as thats just too much but I may have one last clear-cut chat to make things very plain, but do I do this inside or outside work?

mood

I would do it outside of work as it's his out of work behaviour your not happy with. Having said that I would just try turning his offers down for a month or so, giving no excuse or reason, and see how that goes. Also, don't use the boyfriend as an excuse or he might think it's ok if you two break up and I assume you wouldn't want to be friends even if you were free and single!

krudler

Why dont YOU change departments if its that easy then? If you think that isnt fair then the same can be said for him, being a dick isnt a reason to have to change jobs to placate you

Taltos

You could just be really really brutal with him -

"Listen you stalker - not sure why you are not listening to me - but just Faff off now."

Turn on heel - stride away head high.
No discussion - no arguments - just plain simple irrefutable NO.

moco

I've had a similar problem with a guy in work and I ended up just ignoring every text, call and e mail. He gave up in the end but it did leave a situation where we don't even speak or look at each other nearly 6 years later. :rolleyes:

mood

moco wrote: »

I've had a similar problem with a guy in work and I ended up just ignoring every text, call and e mail. He gave up in the end but it did leave a situation where we don't even speak or look at each other nearly 6 years later. :rolleyes:

Thats why maybe the first option should be just turn down his invites, no excuses needed. Ideally you will be in a situation where you can be civil and profession in work.

Wagon

UNREASONABLE? wrote: »

I think I'll just have to be firmer with him. I do not want to drag in HR etc as thats just too much but I may have one last clear-cut chat to make things very plain, but do I do this inside or outside work?

Outside work definately. Just be very plain with him and as someone said, don't mention your new boyfriend to him. Keep this between you and your ex and tell him exactly why you won't be friends and there's nothing he can so about it. And if he does text some more, just ignore those. Don't reply at all. Give it a few weeks.

However, if that still doesn't work, then consider taking it further.

moco

mood wrote: »

Thats why maybe the first option should be just turn down his invites, no excuses needed. Ideally you will be in a situation where you can be civil and profession in work.

Well I did that for a long time but there's only so much anyone can take. Then I started ignoring him.