Taken advantage of??

LegacyUser

Hi, Another thread here inspired me to write,I am wondering if I am being unreasonable, I feel my parents are being taken advantage of badly. My brother and his partner have moved in with them, they have a little boy and a girl as well, whom I love to pieces and they are also living with my parents. One of them is in school at the moment and the other is a toddler who sometimes goes to play school.

My brother and partner have a house in Dublin and my brother lives there when he is working has to work Dublin, which is 3-4 days a week, their plan was to move to Dublin since he had to work there so much which is why they bought the house and sold their house locally however his partner wont move to Dublin until she finds a job there, as she wants to keep the job she has locally so she is living with my parents.

That is none of my business I know, we all need money. My problem is how much my parents have to mind the 2 little ones, its constant and has been since the day they were born. The family of my brothers partner dont help out at all.My parents have always been very soft hearted, I think they nearly gave too much to their family all their lives and left no energy for themselves.They get no money for their time or opening their home or for their constant child minding.

My parents often travel to stay with me and my finace at the weekends just to get away and have some time for themselves.I am due to get married this Summer and I know I would never take advantage of my parents or inlaws (My finace wouldnt want it anyhow)in the manner my brother and his partner do. My mother constantly looks exhausted and I know she does all the house work as well.

My parents obviously need to stand up for themselves but on the other hand is this what being a parent is about? Helping your family? I dont know whether I am being unfair or I am justified in my anger? I dont have kids my self so I dont understand the hardship of being a parent. I also said it to my parents at Christmas but it fell on deaf ears, they said they only agreed to do it as a temporary measure and they know its not ideal.

But its not as there is constantly a reason why my parents have the kids for a long time now. Are their other people relying on their parents this much? My brother and his partner and her sister are planning a 3 week trip to Australia this Summer , without the kids, (its never with them)guess who is left minding them as usual.......

John Mason

hi op, can you add some paragraphs? it is impossible to read.

Peggypeg

Hey Op,

Have to tell you if either of my siblings treated my parents that way there would be a show down. They wouldn't anyway, but if they did I have to say I'd go nuts. I'm not saying that's what you should do at all though. It's defo a hard one, it's sickening watching someone being taken advantage of but it's hard to stand up for someone when they won't stand up for themselves. Is there any chance you can talk to them and just lay it all out on the table and tell them what you think of how they've been behaving?

Best of luck.

ohanloj3

Can I ask has your brother's partner not got family living close by that she can impose on?? It seems unfair that she stays more with your parents than your brother.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here, thanks for all the replies, i am glad to get some feedback,
the partner of my brother has had a difficult family life, her dad used to drink alot,also her parents lead separate lives and are out of the country alot, on holidays or staying with other family, or on business I am told, anything not to be at home.(I dont think though they are legally separated)her sister is never really at home either. I dont want to judge them too harshly as I dont really know what has gone on there.

My main concern is my parents, I am annoyed they cannot see how used they are, I want to confront my brother but I am afraid to, he once didnt speak to me for 7 months over something far less important, he also has a violent temper not physically but it is terrifying none the less. I suppose all he has to say is my parents havent a problem with it so i should but out or something of that nature.

His partner makes me so angry as she will do anything not to have to look after the 2 kids long term. My parents worked hard all their lives and now they may as well be back to where they where in their twenties.

Do people think I should confront my brother regardless of the consequences?

miec

Yes Op they are abusing your parents kindness and softness. However it is up to your parents to put the foot down. Your brother and his partner are being monstrously selfish but they are able to get away with it. Very few grandparents have their grandkids that much so no it is not generally what parents do? Some of us have to use childcare or babysitters, which is probably why most of us cannot afford to go to Australia.

I think the only thing you can do is either say something to your parents or to your brother and his partner, maybe shame them into moving into their own house and stop using your parents as fulltime, unpaid babysitters. I can really understand your anger and frustration, I am feeling that way just reading your post.

jimmycrackcorm

OP, it's none of your business - it's between your parents and your brother. They're all adults.

jimmycrackcorm

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

OP, it's none of your business - it's between your parents and your brother. They're all adults.

If someone you loves health is being damaged by a situation.
You have a right if not an obligation to speak up on it.


I would definitely speak up about it OP.
I doubt your parents will ever say no, to these impostions. (3 weeks of looking after young children! At their age?)
But you might raise some tiny bit of awareness in your brother and his wife.

Dublin141

They are being taken advantage of. But there isn't a lot you can do about it. It's up to your parents to confront the situation head on but as you have already spoken to them about it, it's clear that they aren't prepared to do that. I know they are probably trying to keep the peace but it's going to be very hard on them looking after two small children for three weeks who are, more than likely, going to be missing their parents.

If your brother and his partner are really that selfish, then you interfering or speaking up isn't going to change them. They have to see that this isn't normal behaviour, particularly the 3 week holiday. I would be afraid that you saying something might cause more tension in the house for your parents because it doesn't sound like the brother's partner is all that likely to leave when she's getting free babysitting.

If you say something then I would try to be as non-confrontational as possible. Maybe hint to your brother that your parents don't seem to be coping very well (although if he asks your parents they aren't that likely to admit to this.) And also ask your parents if they are really managing or do they feel like they are obliged to help. But if I'm honest, it doesn't sound like your parents are going to do themselves any favours and your brother probably isn't the most reasonable person either. Your parents are adults and they should be able to speak for themselves, you can't worry for them and solve all their problems unfortunately. Hopefully the 3 week holiday might give your parents that extra push to speak up for themselves. I hope it works out for the best, I too would be horrified to see my family members being used so blatantly.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Have your parents raised any objections?

See thing is they might actually love having the grandkids around. They might enjoy the company.

Sure a lot of people would feel used but I think this is a unique situation. I do think your brother should be paying something, but it seems to me non-violent but hot tempered people are nearly always selfish stingy types too.

Taltos

Hi OP.

Yes they are being taken advantage of.

But I want to caution you to tread carefully here.
Oftentimes we all go to extreme lengths to help out our families, sometimes to the detriment of our own happiness and health.
Some folk feel obligated and it is very difficult to get them to step back - that old chestnut "Can't see the wood etc etc" is really apt in those cases.

You have a few options as I see it - there may be more - but I tend to jump straight in.
1. Say nothing, do nothing - just continue to provide a refuge to your parents.
2. Encourage your parents to say something - they might not and in following this path they might start to feel that their refuge is no longer the refuge they need.
3. Tackle your brother head on - you know what will happen there.
4. Speak to your brother about your concern of your parents health. Let him know that you think they are both looking tired and worn out and ask him if he has any ideas on what you as a family can do?

See - in 4 - you have opened the door - you have told him you are worried about your folks and in one quick move you have asked him to contribute to a solution.
Word of caution - if your brother is as agressive as you make out - he might still try to trap you into saying something like "yes it's cause they are wrecked from minding your kids" - watch out for those traps - instead say - "look how much they mind your children is between you and them - I am just worried about them - what do you suggest..."

Eventually though if pushed enough the full truth and your full concerns might have to come out.
So one task for you before you talk to him
a) Be 100% honest with yourself why you are doing this
(jealousy / concern / etc - I know my father in-law would do anything for his grandkids - to the extent of making himself ill - but he would be happy doing so - weird I know - just don't get it myself).
b) Be sure that you are not triggering a scenario that takes away from your parents something that they might acually enjoy - while complaining all the time.

Best of Luck.

ConsiderThis

Remember that unasked for help is rarely welcome and often the person offering unasked for advice comes out of the situation badly.

Have your parents asked for your help? Has your sibling asked for your help?

If not, do you think both other parties will welcome your intervention?

If not, why do you feel compelled to intervene?

Sometimes, one of the hardest things to do in life is to step back and allow other adults to fight their own battles.

ohanloj3

I didn't realise your parents hadn't raised it as an issue for them. Maybe you should let them deal with it. In actual fact if your parents have't approached you about it its not your place to get involved.

meditraitor

whatdoyouthink wrote: »

Hi, Another thread here inspired me to write,I am wondering if I am being unreasonable, I feel my parents are being taken advantage of badly. My brother and his partner have moved in with them, they have a little boy and a girl as well, whom I love to pieces and they are also living with my parents. One of them is in school at the moment and the other is a toddler who sometimes goes to play school.

My brother and partner have a house in Dublin and my brother lives there when he is working has to work Dublin, which is 3-4 days a week, their plan was to move to Dublin since he had to work there so much which is why they bought the house and sold their house locally however his partner wont move to Dublin until she finds a job there, as she wants to keep the job she has locally so she is living with my parents.

That is none of my business I know, we all need money. My problem is how much my parents have to mind the 2 little ones, its constant and has been since the day they were born. The family of my brothers partner dont help out at all.My parents have always been very soft hearted, I think they nearly gave too much to their family all their lives and left no energy for themselves.They get no money for their time or opening their home or for their constant child minding.

My parents often travel to stay with me and my finace at the weekends just to get away and have some time for themselves.I am due to get married this Summer and I know I would never take advantage of my parents or inlaws (My finace wouldnt want it anyhow)in the manner my brother and his partner do. My mother constantly looks exhausted and I know she does all the house work as well.

My parents obviously need to stand up for themselves but on the other hand is this what being a parent is about? Helping your family? I dont know whether I am being unfair or I am justified in my anger? I dont have kids my self so I dont understand the hardship of being a parent. I also said it to my parents at Christmas but it fell on deaf ears, they said they only agreed to do it as a temporary measure and they know its not ideal.

But its not as there is constantly a reason why my parents have the kids for a long time now. Are their other people relying on their parents this much? My brother and his partner and her sister are planning a 3 week trip to Australia this Summer , without the kids, (its never with them)guess who is left minding them as usual.......

I think you have issues with your brother and his partner and this is all in your head.

Your parents have not complained and believe me when I say Grandparents become very attached to Grandchildren so its probably their idea to have them around as much as your brother/sister inlaw

seahorse

The thing that stuck out to me most about your post was the fact that you said your parents are not being paid anything and by that I'm assuming you mean there is no rent, heating etc being paid for. If I'm right in assuming that then your brother and his partner are using your parents financially as well as monopolising all their spare energy and time. Dumping the kids on them while they take off to Australia for three weeks! Jaysus, where would you get it..

Your parents are being used here but they're willing enough to be used by the looks of it. I'd guess that this situation will continue on until your parents have other grandchildren to consider and that's when the sparks will really fly.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here, thanks for all the replies, it is good to have the various perspectives to think about