Internet date, Red Flag?

nesbitt

I have been in contact with someone on Internet Dating Site. Usual sequence of events, message on site, texts, phone, exchange pics. Would have met up last weekend but weather prevented us from doing so. Communication for just over a week now. Like picture, really good chat totally newsy, witty, normal, relaxed and comfortable.

However, was organising the meet up, and he suggests by text that perhaps he could collect me in his car from my home and go out locally! My instinctive reaction was Jaysus that is just so previous and not the done thing at this stage. So I just text and said ah no sure I'll be taking my car and meet up in centre of town...

Opinions please, this to me is a bit of a Red Flag.:o:(

Kiera

Wooah. Definitely do not allow him pick you up from home. I wouldn’t call it a red flag in the sense he’s a stalker. Maybe he was just trying to be nice.

Miss Fluff

I wouldn't say a red flag. No harm in being cautious though and you have done the right thing in agreeing to meet somewhere neutral. As with all dates, tell someone where you are going, keep a clear head and stay safe.

nesbitt

Ah yeah I know how to look out for my safety. That is why his suggestion has thrown me somewhat...

A savvy, educated, well travelled guy would know that to suggest a pick up from my home in is car is just not the done thing....

An on going request for more photos although I already sent some made me a bit uneasy too, shucks ya know what I look like now why more photos?

Maybe its just my 6th sense, caution, call it what you will. The suggestion to pick me up at my house has put me off no end.

Surely he knows I'd be thinking uh oh not in control here if I want to bale out...:):mad::(

Surely he knows that I may not want to let him know where I live exactly and get in his car without knowing didily squat about him other than what I have been told....:):mad::(

Kiera

If you are still feeling uneasy about meeting him then just call it off. There would be no harm in doing that and maybe tell him why. I mean its not like you're ever going to see him again

Danniboo

nesbitt wrote: »

Ah yeah I know how to look out for my safety.

I'm sorry but how can meeting random strangers off the internet in any way guarantee your safety.

MissFlitworth

nesbitt wrote: »

Surely he knows that I may not want to let him know where I live exactly and get in his car without knowing didily squat about him other than what I have been told

I think women tend to think about that kind of thing a lot more than men, we tend to be much more (and rightly so) concerned about our personal safety and an invitation to get into a strangers car would prompt me anyways to think 'what, so you can drive me up the wicklow mountains and bury me under a tree?' He was probably just being a bit of a dope though and not thinking through how dodge it sounds

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

nesbitt

Yeah I hear all sides to this, have thought on the one hand we get on great and he seems grand. My 'doubt' button got pushed cos I did think the suggestion was really ill thought out.

I am happy with meet up arrangements so I may go ahead and see what happens... I will just have to trust my instincts like always...:o

OS119

Danniboo wrote: »

I'm sorry but how can meeting random strangers off the internet in any way guarantee your safety.

if done sensibly its no more potentially dangerous than the traditional method of meeting randomers in a pub, having a chat and making decisions about whether you'd like to see them again. the 'sensibleness' comes from not being overly specific about where you live, work and socialise, having your own transport for the meet, doing it somewhere public, not drinking, and having a plausable 'i need to go' excuse (or previously arranged 'phone call) if you aren't keen or happy - and, like the OP, having your 'dodgy bloke' detectors switched on and leaving as soon as you see anything that isn't exactly as advertised.

OP, i wouldn't bother - probably harmless - but at best indicative of someone who isn't thinking very hard about how you would view his actions. internet date fail.

Danniboo

OS119 wrote: »

if done sensibly its no more potentially dangerous than the traditional method of meeting randomers in a pub, having a chat and making decisions about whether you'd like to see them again. .

Except for the fact you're in a pub full of people and you meet this person face to face. Unless someones a very good liar some dirty old perv isn't going to convince you he's a 20 year old stud when he's standing in front of you. However there's nothing to say any of what this guy has up on a social networking site is true or if the pics he has up are of him. Just my view on it.

nesbitt

OS119 wrote: »

if done sensibly its no more potentially dangerous than the traditional method of meeting randomers in a pub, having a chat and making decisions about whether you'd like to see them again. the 'sensibleness' comes from not being overly specific about where you live, work and socialise, having your own transport for the meet, doing it somewhere public, not drinking, and having a plausable 'i need to go' excuse (or previously arranged 'phone call) if you aren't keen or happy - and, like the OP, having your 'dodgy bloke' detectors switched on and leaving as soon as you see anything that isn't exactly as advertised.

OP, i wouldn't bother - probably harmless - but at best indicative of someone who isn't thinking very hard about how you would view his actions. internet date fail.

This sums up my view point very accurately indeed. Just needed a little validation.

However, dont want to get into big debate on the merits of internet dating.

As ever just looking for different perspective and make my mind up on this one.

Thanks all for your replies.

miec

Hi Nesbitt

First of all it is probable that he may not have thought about but it is equally probable he may have wanted to find out where you live in the hope that you might want to invite him back later. I knew of one guy who used to leave his jacket in a girl's house when he went with them on a first date so that he would get back into the house at the end of the night with the hope of having sex. (This was pre-internet days). So it could be either but you won't know until you meet him and as you are meeting in a central place and have taken care of yourself there is no problem.

As for the request for more photos, again I would feel weird about it until I put myself in his shoes, maybe he asked for loads more photos because he thinks you are extremely attractive and likes looking at them or he is trying to suss out how honest you are about your looks. Maybe he has met women in the past that lied about their looks, etc and thinks by requesting for more pics he can get a better sense of you.

Hope it goes well for you.

username123

Danniboo wrote: »

Except for the fact you're in a pub full of people and you meet this person face to face. Unless someones a very good liar some dirty old perv isn't going to convince you he's a 20 year old stud when he's standing in front of you. However there's nothing to say any of what this guy has up on a social networking site is true or if the pics he has up are of him. Just my view on it.

It really depends what you mean by safety. If you play safe and arrange to meet an internet randomer ina public place and upon arrival you see he is really in his 60s and nothing like his profile you can just leave. If he DOES look like his profile but turns out to be an idiot, pervy, weirdo etc... you can stilll just leave - youre in a public place.

When you meet someone in a pub and you know at least they are the age they say they are and what they look like - thats all you know. Same rules of safety apply when going on first date. They could still turn out to be a weirdo or pervy when you meet them alone.

I dont really see an issue with safety when meeting someone from the internet compared to someone from a bar - you need to keep yourself safe no matter what way you initially met them.

On the OPs question, the pick up from home would totally put me off too. I dont like the idea of a strange guy thinking its ok for you to get in his car, you have no control over where he brings you, he knows where you live etc.. Im of the opinion its a red flag.

Warfi

I agree that it's a wee bit red flag-ish. At the very least, it was thoughtless of him to think it was ok to pick you up at your place. Any internet dates I went on, the guy always arranged to meet me in my own town in a public place without me even having to say anything. As a result, I was a bit more at ease going to meet them.
The extra photos thing is a bit dodgy too. The most important part of internet dating is that you feel at ease going to meet someone, he's not doing a great job of this unfortunately.
I really don't know what I would do in your situation. It's not a great start if you're already on your (even more than normal) guard

OS119

Danniboo wrote: »

Except for the fact you're in a pub full of people and you meet this person face to face. Unless someones a very good liar some dirty old perv isn't going to convince you he's a 20 year old stud when he's standing in front of you. However there's nothing to say any of what this guy has up on a social networking site is true or if the pics he has up are of him. Just my view on it.

you don't know if they are a tosser until they open their mouth, (unless they display it online) but thats it - you have a photo, a rough idea of age, occuption etc.. when you walk into the appointed place you'll meet the individual (or fat, old man) and be able to make a snap decision about whether you think they look like the persona they presented online - age, manners, intelligence, actual looks etc - if they feel genuine you continue with the date, if something doesn't fit you walk away.

i'm not actually sure you understand the concept of internet dating (its more contact than dating), you don't form an online relationship and meet up at the wedding, you use the service to have an initial chat to people who you like the look/sound of, you then arrange to meet them in person, at which point you are able to make better decisions about them. the 'sensibleness' i mentioned above means that should you not like them - whether they are just irritating or sex-offenders - you are able to make a clean escape without them being able to follow you/track you down. dead simple, and as safe as 'normal' pulling in a club or pub as long as you keep your wits about you.

Danniboo

OS119 wrote: »

you don't know if they are a tosser until they open their mouth, (unless they display it online) but thats it - you have a photo, a rough idea of age, occuption etc.. when you walk into the appointed place you'll meet the individual (or fat, old man) and be able to make a snap decision about whether you think they look like the persona they presented online - age, manners, intelligence, actual looks etc - if they feel genuine you continue with the date, if something doesn't fit you walk away.

i'm not actually sure you understand the concept of internet dating (its more contact than dating), you don't form an online relationship and meet up at the wedding, you use the service to have an initial chat to people who you like the look/sound of, you then arrange to meet them in person, at which point you are able to make better decisions about them. the 'sensibleness' i mentioned above means that should you not like them - whether they are just irritating or sex-offenders - you are able to make a clean escape without them being able to follow you/track you down. dead simple, and as safe as 'normal' pulling in a club or pub as long as you keep your wits about you.

Of course I understand the concept of internet dating, I presume you mean because I don't buy into the idea that I dont understand it and if you explain it again i'll think it's all wonderful :rolleyes: In an ideal world what you describe above would be true. Have you not seen the news in the last 5 years, cases of girls going missing etc?

OS119

yeah, of course i'm aware of the potential dangers - hence the need for precautions - in the same way as anyone meeting new people needs to take precautions and to keep making decisions about how comfortable they are.

i don't understand why you think that, assuming you keep to the 'rules', meeting an internet date is any more dangerous than a more conventional 'meeting a random in the pub, having a short conversation, a quick drink and swapping mobile numbers'.

any girl/guy who, upon meeting someone they don't really know, gets pissed, goes to private areas or areas they don't know, or gets into other peoples cars, runs a risk - that is no different whether they've 'met' them on the internet or bumped into them in a pub.

i don't think its wonderful, it is, imho, quite a lot of work for a 'contact meet', however, i do see that it has some advantages - the greatest one being that you'll know how old they claim to be, what they claim to look like, roughly what they claim to do for a living, and roughly what level they claim to have been educated to - a switched on, sober person will be able to determine in less than a minute whether they believe these things match the person in front of them, meaning they can make an initial decision about whether to stay for the next 10 minutes. the person turning up for an internet date has far more information than the person standing at the bar being chatted up about the person they've met, and is therefore able to make even better decisions about that individual.

kmick

One thing. Trust your instincts always.

I think you already know what you need to do.

SarahSassy

There is so much scaremongering in the media these days. For every 1 internet (or any date) that goes wrong there are 100,000 that don’t… We are buying into the paranoia spread by the media. Maybe this guy was trying to be a gentleman. Most attacks on women are perpetrated by people they know and evidently there is a risk getting into a car with a stranger and I would not suggest you do it, but why dump him over it before you have even met him.

ash23

He might be just a bit naive about the whole thing.

I've dabbled in internet dating but only met two guys off it.
I have to be honest I was a bit green about the whole thing, let them pick me up etc.
It's only really reading this that I realise it could have been unsafe to do that.

I'm intelligent and a woman of the world lol but some things are brand spanking new to me and I can be a bit naive at the start.
He might be a bit like me and just not be as cautious as he should be.

magneticimpulse

yeah i think its an easier way for him to take you to his home after the date to sleep with you! you did the good thing to meet central. if he insists on staying near his local...move on and forget him if he is just after a one night stand

mood

Meet him some where nutural. It's easier to suss someone out in person than guessing like this.

Firetrap

I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt and make up your own mind when you meet him in person. Go with your gut instinct. Hopefully he's just a very nice guy

shellyboo

magneticimpulse wrote: »

yeah i think its an easier way for him to take you to his home after the date to sleep with you! you did the good thing to meet central. if he insists on staying near his local...move on and forget him if he is just after a one night stand

He wanted to stay near HER local area... Jeez, just because he said he'd pick get up means he's only after one thing now?! :rolleyes: Well done on assuming the worst of men.

OP, he probably just didn't think - I've had guys propose similar to me and I've had to explain to them why it's not a good idea. Your red flag will be the guy who gets offended or angry that you don't trust him. Simply not thinking it mightn't be safe for you isn't really a bad indication - it's just thoughtlessness. But if you explain to him why and gauge his reaction, that will tell you a lot - if he's cool and gracious about it, go for it. If he has a tantrum, run.

cruizer101

In fairness the majority of people out there are nice normal people, its just we don't hear about all the nice normal dates people go on, we only hear of the creepy ones. In all likelihood the guy is just being polite.

I'm due to be going on a date with girl I met on internet, near to where she lives. I had thought I had best offer a lift as it might be rude not to, never even thought of the whole creepy stalker perv idea. I can now see it from a girls point of view and will most likely just arrange to meet her now maybe offer lift after.

But yeah I would in no way view this as a Red Flag by itself, unless there were other symptons also.

GigaByte

Danniboo wrote: »

Have you not seen the news in the last 5 years, cases of girls going missing etc?

Yes girls have only gone missing since internet dating started! All that rubbish about girls drinks being spike in pubs and clubs.

LegacyUser

my god, this guy is trying to be nice and offering you a lift and people here are already writing him off as a stalker and saying to not go near him again just because he hasn't jumped through the latest batch of hoops put together by an increasingly paranoid society

if it bothers you that much just say you'd rather meet up in a fecking pub.

whats next? soon girls will be insisting on criminal background checks. i hate this, you can't even be genuinely nice anymore without freaking girls out because all they think about is stalkers

Darthhoob

met my OH online, we met in a quiet pub with my friends after swapping pics....blissfully happy with eachother years later. it is possible. in fact i prefered it that way as i like to date people i can talk to....you cannot talk to people when you just bump into them in a pub/club and mostly it is appearance first....personality later. i happen to like it the other way round lol.

in answer to the OP, if you feel uneasy...dont do it. you should be feeling comfortable meeting someone (except for the normal nerves obviously). not worrying about it. he may well be a bit of a dope and not realised....but dont just assume that.

if in doubt...DONT do it.

Overheal

Too soon for that kind of crazy.

You could let him, but I wouldnt not without letting someone know who you were going with and where you were heading, what kind of car he was driving, etc. etc. even phone numbers and plates if you have them.

Because, worst cases, its something to help find you and him by.

GigaByte

Nokia E63 wrote: »

my god, this guy is trying to be nice and offering you a lift and people here are already writing him off as a stalker and saying to not go near him again just because he hasn't jumped through the latest batch of hoops put together by an increasingly paranoid society

if it bothers you that much just say you'd rather meet up in a fecking pub.

whats next? soon girls will be insisting on criminal background checks. i hate this, you can't even be genuinely nice anymore without freaking girls out because all they think about is stalkers

lol . I was thinking the same thing a bit of common sense is all thats required. If you're worried about taking a lift politely refuse and make your own way to a pub. You don't have to say yes yes yes to everything he suggest.

With the internet being so accessible on mobile phones these days it will not be long before we have someone posting from some pub toilet. "I've just met this guy I really like at the bar and he asked if I'd like a drink! should I refuse and run like mad!!!!

Auldloon

I really don't get this. I met my OH of three years on a dating site. First date I picked her up from her house in my car. It was the most normal thing in the world to do for us both.

stateofflux

i would'nt let anyone know where you live that you are dating until you know them a bit....saved me from manys a boiled rabbit and slashed tyre :pac::pac::pac:

you'll find out pretty fast if he is a looper if you know what to spot when talking....but if your gut tells you not to meet then don't....

nesbitt

Hi All,

I did think suggesting to collect me at my house was a small red flag for me.

I think that savvy people using dating website would just know straight up that the meet up is usally coffee during the day or maybe early evening quiet pub for coffee/soft drinks!!I met up last Friday night. Always neutral venue...

Any website will advise making your own way to date, using public or your own transport.

There are loads of reasons for want wanting to have your privacy invaded early on the biggest one if you do not want to meet up again and could fear a stalker experience..

Anyway I had good communication, interesting and witty however I simply did not fancy the person when I did meet up.

The person was older than photo on site, shorter than height stated, and way way too touchy for a meet up!! Not cool IMHO :eek:

I would be feeling very uncomfortable if they knew where I lived and my favourite local.....

Moral of the story for me is, don't engage in too much communication by text and phone, this happened due to snow... Absolutely do not reveal where you live or your local until you are happy and sure you may want to see person again.

Guys as well as girls can get stalked so don't be too flippant about your privacy people