My first Poem ---- Please let me no what you think!!!

Daegon

The Lost Garden of Eden


Yours is a landscape of beauty and wilderness,
A place where it never rains,
Yet there is a rainbow,
That shines high in the sky,
Alongside swans,
And other creatures of indescribable breath-taking features!

This is the landscape I want to explore,
Yet you’ve constructed a gateway narrowing my sight,
That shows such a scene that it must be a vision!
It cannot truly wield such power over me?
And why does it force me away when I dare come close?
All I long for is a chance to walk through those pearly gates,
To be able to help build to your glory I see before me,
And not to see all my effort lost in your seemly distant land.

I try to leave, oh how I try,
But the air gets thinner as I leave,
I cannot survive long without aching to return,
Even if it is just to watch you through those familiar clawed gates.
I must return to purgatory, and wait.
How long I know not,
For the choice is not mine to make.

I gaze upon the soaring walls with such yearning.
This wall, this un-climbable wall,
It blocks me from what I care about the most.
It prevents me from knowing what it feels like to truly live in heaven.

---

I also write short stories and novels so if the feedback is good i'll think about writing some more for ye!:D

del88

Good start...........,I'm no expert so i can't be critical
Hey and don't think about getting good or bad feedback.As long as your enjoying the creative process it's all good.....

Mark Santos

Its good & genuine, and there's great imagery.

The creation of desire is there (you can feel the character's desire) and obstacle. And the obstacle is self-inflicted as most obstacles in life are when we break them down.

You could almost create a short story aroud the poem, with each verse the beginning of a chapter...

Well done -- its a pleasant read.

PurpleBee

I think its not bad, but the pearly gates remind me of death... I'm not sure if that's the effect you were going for? The word constructed in the second verse is a bit jarring too.

realmccoy

:)very good remains me of my 13 yr old daughter who we lost in a car accident she also tried her hand at short stories.

Daegon wrote: »

The Lost Garden of Eden

Yours is a landscape of beauty and wilderness,
A place where it never rains,
Yet there is a rainbow,
That shines high in the sky,
Alongside swans,
And other creatures of indescribable breath-taking features!

This is the landscape I want to explore,
Yet you’ve constructed a gateway narrowing my sight,
That shows such a scene that it must be a vision!
It cannot truly wield such power over me?
And why does it force me away when I dare come close?
All I long for is a chance to walk through those pearly gates,
To be able to help build to your glory I see before me,
And not to see all my effort lost in your seemly distant land.

I try to leave, oh how I try,
But the air gets thinner as I leave,
I cannot survive long without aching to return,
Even if it is just to watch you through those familiar clawed gates.
I must return to purgatory, and wait.
How long I know not,
For the choice is not mine to make.

I gaze upon the soaring walls with such yearning.
This wall, this un-climbable wall,
It blocks me from what I care about the most.
It prevents me from knowing what it feels like to truly live in heaven.

---

I also write short stories and novels so if the feedback is good i'll think about writing some more for ye!:D