Am I being too harsh on ex?

LegacyUser

me and my ex split a few months ago, im a bit angry over the break up as i was going through other issues and was a bad time to be dumped, she paints a picture that it was mutual however the reality is she pushed for it.

that was fair enough but shes under the impression that i was happy with the break up and things are ok with how she broke up with me when i needed support the most, we were very good friends however she doesn't get when you abandon friends in times of need it sort of breaks the friendship.

she contacts me often now, should i tell her how i feel that she has no right to contact me and she doesn't deserve my friendship or try and forgive and forget if more details are needed they will be provided.

shellyboo

You can't be friends with an ex. Cut contact.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

You can't be friends with an ex. Cut contact.

well im not made of stone i dont want to hurt a girls feelings unless absolutely right to do so its more anger than wanting to get her back on my half, i would like to be able to forgive her more for my benefit rather than hers, as i feel this will be theraputic should i explain how i felt about the break up to her and say i feel you really let me down ect?

krudler

Agree with shellyboo, have never been and will never be a friend to an ex, its just too complicated, civil and friendly yet, but actual friends, nope, its a clean break for me as the best way to deal with things, my ex and I broke up in 2006 and havent seen or spoken to each other since the night we broke up, and it wasnt even a bad breakup

shellyboo

op here wrote: »

well im not made of stone i dont want to hurt a girls feelings unless absolutely right to do so its more anger than wanting to get her back on my half, i would like to be able to forgive her more for my benefit rather than hers, as i feel this will be theraputic should i explain how i felt about the break up to her and say i feel you really let me down ect?

No, there's no point. She broke up with you, you don't owe her anything. Cutting contact is not about "getting back" - it's the easiest, healthiest thing you can do for both of you. Telling her why she let you down, etc is hurtful. Just cut contact.

Abi

advice seeking wrote: »

me and my ex split a few months ago, im a bit angry over the break up as i was going through other issues and was a bad time to be dumped, she paints a picture that it was mutual however the reality is she pushed for it.

that was fair enough but shes under the impression that i was happy with the break up and things are ok with how she broke up with me when i needed support the most, we were very good friends however she doesn't get when you abandon friends in times of need it sort of breaks the friendship.

she contacts me often now, should i tell her how i feel that she has no right to contact me and she doesn't deserve my friendship or try and forgive and forget if more details are needed they will be provided.

What you aren't facing is, you are trying to hold onto her because you weren't ready to end the relationship. I'm sorry if I appear a bit blunt, but she can't just stay with you because you have been having problems. Thats not a relationship.

I would imagine that she does still want to be there as a friend for you.

CDfm

I totally agree with Shellyboo.

Cut contact and she doesnt owe you anything.

LegacyUser

Abigayle wrote: »

You feel that she owes you something, and its unjustified. What you aren't facing is, you are trying to hold onto her because you weren't ready to end the relationship. I'm sorry if I appear a bit blunt, but she can't just stay with you because you have been having problems. Thats not a relationship.

I would imagine that she does still want to be there as a friend for you, but probably afraid that the boundaries are still are fuzzy with you. Try to decide what you value more, your ex as a friend or nothing at all. Be honest with her. But don't try to back her into a corner on this, or she'll run for the hills.

i'm sorry but that is wrong, i didn't expect her or ANYONE to be with me through out my problems i wont go in to them here but i had to learn to cope alone, my ex left when i was going through a bad patch about the problems i dint ask for help but the way i was dumped was cruel (not intentionally so) but it felt like that to me.

my ex left which is her decision but i didn't once try and contact her during that period she kept trying to talk to me trying to be friends again.

You say staying with a person when their going through problems isn't a relationship well supporting a person through them is certainly a part of that, and if its not part of a relationship leaving them during hard times is defiantly not part of a friendship!

i would never say to a person or think that you have to stay with me because i'm going through problems but if you leave because of your other halves problems then that is not the way to have a relationship.

LegacyUser

i don't get how people are reading this so wrong i know she doesn't owe me anything! i'm not asking her for anything she's asking for my friendship, i don't want it right now i'm hurt over the break up, i was thinking of doing the right thing and telling her i don't want the friendship because i was hurt over what happened.

i'm asking what's the best way to cut friendship without hurting her and people are throwing "she doesn't owe you anything" at me

extrinzic

advice seeking wrote: »

... she broke up with me when i needed support the most, we were very good friends however she doesn't get when you abandon friends in times of need it sort of breaks the friendship.

That's just the way life is. It's a hard lesson to learn, but we all learn it. You need to find something in yourself that you love, and nobody can ever take from you. I guess love for others is a leap of faith, and faith is something that challenges us. I'm not saying that you should never jump again. Perhaps, the next time you jump (if you do), keep a parashoot for yourself. Take care.

hollis12

i think you people are confusing some other situation with what the ops saying, he seems to be trying to cut contact with a girl who he feels let him down, and hes asking would it be too hurtful to do so?

he owes her nothing yet hes trying to spare her feelings and your lampooning him?

hollis12

as regards advice op you owe her nothing, i think if she left you in a because of rough times you were having she was disrespectful to even try to be friends with you again, you owe her nothing dont worry about her feelings

star-pants

op here wrote: »

i don't get how people are reading this so wrong i know she doesn't owe me anything! i'm not asking her for anything she's asking for my friendship, i don't want it right now i'm hurt over the break up, i was thinking of doing the right thing and telling her i don't want the friendship because i was hurt over what happened.

She wants to be friends, you don't. It's that simple.
You just tell her nicely that you're not ready to be friends with her and you don't know when/if you will be, you got hurt and you're only recently broken up so you need your space and she needs to respect that.

CDfm

op here wrote: »

my ex left which is her decision but i didn't once try and contact her during that period she kept trying to talk to me trying to be friends again.

Being self reliant is good and I do agree its easier to have support-some people cant cope with illness etc.

If being friends with her is emotionally draining for you then dont go for it. You dont owe her any explanations.

seire_jayne

I agree with hollis12, If she cared about you she wouldn't of left because you were having a bad time, she obviously didn't care about your feelings, so why should you care about hers?
But totally disagree with being friends with your ex, my ex is one of my closest friends

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

Being self reliant is good and I do agree its easier to have support-some people cant cope with illness etc.

If being friends with her is emotionally draining for you then dont go for it. You dont owe her any explanations.

its easier? i find it hard to swallow that helping your oh through tough times isnt the norm, the furhter point is i tried to tell her nicely and give her hints i dont want contact but im still getting texts which i dont want, it hurts to have a part of my life that is contributing to me not trusting women again keep texting my oblivious to the hurt she caused me

Abi

op here wrote: »

i'm sorry but that is wrong, i didn't expect her or ANYONE to be with me through out my problems i wont go in to them here but i had to learn to cope alone, my ex left when i was going through a bad patch about the problems i dint ask for help but the way i was dumped was cruel (not intentionally so) but it felt like that to me.

I was about to edit my post as I realised I was slightly off track with what you meant.

I'm sure her timing was off, but without knowing the extent of the problem(s), are you sure she could see an end in sight? Do you feel there might have been a better time?

my ex left which is her decision but i didn't once try and contact her during that period she kept trying to talk to me trying to be friends again. You say staying with a person when their going through problems isn't a relationship well supporting a person through them is certainly a part of that, and if its not part of a relationship leaving them during hard times is defiantly not part of a friendship!

I know I mixed up the her contacting you/ you contacting her bit, but I stand by what I said.

Even though she called an end to the relationship, she knew of your problems but still kept in touch with you. You seem to have this all or nothing attitude towards her.

i would never say to a person or think that you have to stay with me because i'm going through problems but if you leave because of your other halves problems then that is not the way to have a relationship.

I'm not being accusatory, and I apologize if I come across that way. Something is amiss and its why you came here in the first place. You say you don't want to be friends with her, but the simple answer is to tell her that outright, but if thats what you really wanted, wouldn't you have done that by now?

CDfm

op here wrote: »

its easier? i find it hard to swallow that helping your oh through tough times isnt the norm, the furhter point is i tried to tell her nicely and give her hints i dont want contact but im still getting texts which i dont want, it hurts to have a part of my life that is contributing to me not trusting women again keep texting my oblivious to the hurt she caused me

Some people dont do help and run for the hills.

Her contacting you is something you dont need.

Its fairly easy to text her and say that you prefer if she not contact you. If she presses the point just say "you broke up with me" and leave it at that. She has no entitlement to any other explanation about your feelings or that its interfering in you dating again. Thats private your own business.

LegacyUser

Abigayle wrote: »

I was about to edit my post as I realised I was slightly off track with what you meant.

I'm sure her timing was off, but without knowing the extent of the problem(s), are you sure she could see an end in sight? Do you feel there might have been a better time?


I know I mixed up the her contacting you/ you contacting her bit, but I stand by what I said.

Even though she called an end to the relationship, she knew of your problems but still kept in touch with you. You seem to have this all or nothing attitude towards her.



I'm not being accusatory, and I apologize if I come across that way. Something is amiss and its why you came here in the first place. You say you don't want to be friends with her, but the simple answer is to tell her that outright, but if thats what you really wanted, wouldn't you have done that by now?

if i said the nature of the problems it would become more clear however their of a persoanl nature stemming from a deep hurt (look up the name christine buckely and youll have a idea of someone with a simular past).

no i am friands with other exs wheter they or i ended it, my hurt comes from the fact i was dumped (by her basically not talking to me) at a time when i was seeking professional help for my problems.

when it comes to being friends with a person who knew the hurt i went through and broke it off when i was seeking help id rather not be , as regards cutting contact she doesnt get the hint, shes still texting ect,

Abi

CDfm wrote: »

Some people dont do help and run for the hills.

You make some wonderful contributions to PI.

hollis12

CDfm wrote: »

Some people dont do help and run for the hills.

Her contacting you is something you dont need.

Its fairly easy to text her and say that you prefer if she not contact you. If she presses the point just say "you broke up with me" and leave it at that. She has no entitlement to any other explanation about your feelings or that its interfering in you dating again. Thats private your own business.

help does not have to be direct help can be saying well done in getting help, i beleive youll get better, you can do it. if some people cant even do that sort of help they have bigger issues themselves, and will only bring you down anyway.

CDfm

Abigayle wrote: »

You make some wonderful contributions to PI's, but at the end of the day this place isn't exactly a counsellors office. It's merely a discussion board where people of all walks of life offer their opinion.


But the above statement was a bit condescending, and I'm surprised by it.

I didnt mean to be condescending and am sorry if I have been. i do think however that some people are selfish and it can come out when they are under pressure.

hollis12

Abigayle wrote: »

You make some wonderful contributions to PI, but at the end of the day this place isn't exactly a counsellors office. It's merely a discussion board where people of all walks of life offer their opinion.


But the above statement was a bit condescending, and I'm surprised by it.

well in fairness its a place for advice and there isnt a relationship were personal issues so not come into play, in a counselors office pretty much the same things are discussed as discussed here, i agree with cdfm there are people out there but yea i do find it condescending people who run for the hills are basket cases who proably run from their own problems.

Abi

CDfm wrote: »

i do think however that some people are selfish and it can come out when they are under pressure.

I agree with you on this, I'd imagine some do. But my only gripe with this would be that we don't know the other side of the story.


But maybe I'm looking too much into this whole thing. If this is the only way the OP can forget her and get on with his life, then telling her to not bother getting in touch is the way forward. And if it is put in a friendly manner, no, its not harsh.

LegacyUser

Abigayle wrote: »

I agree with you on this, I'd imagine some do. But my only gripe with this would be that we don't know the other side of the story.


But maybe I'm looking too much into this whole thing. If this is the only way the OP can forget her and get on with his life, then telling her to not bother getting in touch is the way forward. And if it is put in a friendly manner, no, its not harsh.

well the thing is i did tell her not to contact me but shes texting and contacting me often, basically my hurt stems from something that a adult did to me as a child, i went to go get help from a therapist and she basically ran for the hills

can i be frank

well op the good thing is your free of this woman but ive been in your situation and i have to say theres nothing wrong with telling her exactly how you feel about her contacting you regardless of how hurt she is.

Wagon

advice seeking wrote: »

she contacts me often now, should i tell her how i feel that she has no right to contact me and she doesn't deserve my friendship or try and forgive and forget if more details are needed they will be provided.

No need. I think the best way to tell her this is to send a simple text message saying that you don't want to be friends and would she kindly go away and not come back.

That doesn't work?
Call her so. Then tell her why you don't want to be her friend and give the reasons you don't like her. Then hang up.

That doesn't work?
Ignore all texts and calls from her. She'll eventually get the message.

If this hurts her feelings, who cares? I can't really think of any easier way to do it. You shouldn't care anyway (she certinly didnt when she dumped you) and you know yourself that you aren't a bad person in doing this. Many people don't seem to realise that when you break up with someone it means you are breaking up with them completely. Not just as a couple but also any contact or friendship that went with it.

CDfm

can i be frank wrote: »

well op the good thing is your free of this woman but ive been in your situation and i have to say theres nothing wrong with telling her exactly how you feel about her contacting you regardless of how hurt she is.

i wouldnt as a rant is only a short term thing

its best to be calm and deliberate as thats the best way to get the mesage across and you will feel calmer and better about it.

Abi

op here wrote: »

well the thing is i did tell her not to contact me but shes texting and contacting me often, basically my hurt stems from something that a adult did to me as a child, i went to go get help from a therapist and she basically ran for the hills

Ok. We couldn't possibly have advised before without those details, so previous posts may have come across as unfair, and including my own. Can I ask you, are you talking to a counsellor about this? You're anon here, so you can talk.. I'm sorry you suffered as a child, and it is so important that you receive external help. A partners support is wonderful, but sometimes these things need a bit of extra help. Were you talking to anyone about this?

I understand now, why you think she let you down. It makes a lot more sense to me now, and I'm sorry I misunderstood you to begin with.

Moomoo1

op here wrote: »

its easier? i find it hard to swallow that helping your oh through tough times isnt the norm, the furhter point is i tried to tell her nicely and give her hints i dont want contact but im still getting texts which i dont want, it hurts to have a part of my life that is contributing to me not trusting women again keep texting my oblivious to the hurt she caused me

of course it's the norm. And anyone who _really_ loves you will do so. Therefore, she didn't _really_ love you, certainly not as a partner, and probably wasn't that good a friend either. And not everyone is like that.

Just tell her how it is once and for all: that you are unhappy how things ended, that you felt she ran away from you at a time of need, and that therefore you do not feel that she is a friend of yours. And every time she texts, keep repeating it.

Moomoo1

Wagon wrote: »

No need. I think the best way to tell her this is to send a simple text message saying that you don't want to be friends and would she kindly go away and not come back.

That doesn't work?
Call her so. Then tell her why you don't want to be her friend and give the reasons you don't like her. Then hang up.

That doesn't work?
Ignore all texts and calls from her. She'll eventually get the message.

If this hurts her feelings, who cares? I can't really think of any easier way to do it. You shouldn't care anyway (she certinly didnt when she dumped you) and you know yourself that you aren't a bad person in doing this. Many people don't seem to realise that when you break up with someone it means you are breaking up with them completely. Not just as a couple but also any contact or friendship that went with it.

to me it all comes accross slightly differently: that OP wants to have nothing to do with her, and wants her to know exactly why he wants to have nothing to do with her (because at the moment she seems to be under some bizarre illusions in that regard). Hence my 'repeating the message' thing above.

LegacyUser

Abigayle wrote: »

Ok. We couldn't possibly have advised before without those details, so previous posts may have come across as unfair, and including my own. Can I ask you, are you talking to a counsellor about this? You're anon here, so you can talk.. I'm sorry you suffered as a child, and it is so important that you receive external help. A partners support is wonderful, but sometimes these things need a bit of extra help. Were you talking to anyone about this?

I understand now, why you think she let you down. It makes a lot more sense to me now, and I'm sorry I misunderstood you to begin with.

well i wrote this thread because i want to give her the benefit of the doubt because there is the possibility that because of the issue i was dumped over i have been too defensive and wanted opinions, regardless i certainly do not want to hurt this girls feelings, i just dont get why she thinks i would be ok with the break up ( and maybe its my fault for seeing it that way).

she does keep texting and contacting me in other ways and im just taking a cooling off period to think about whether in time ill feel different about being friends with her, what basically happened i decided to confront my past and went to counseling, i tried my best at counseling but i admit i ran myself in the ground i went to events with her that i found extremely uncomfortable and i should have told her id rather not go.

from this point on it became noticeable to that she stopped talking as much and basically cut me out, i felt like sh*t and a few weeks later we ended, what i got from that is that she thought i would never recover and basically become a basket case.

and a few weeks later shes back in contact talking normally again its both confusing and hurtful.

LegacyUser

op here wrote: »

well i wrote this thread because i want to give her the benefit of the doubt because there is the possibility that because of the issue i was dumped over i have been too defensive and wanted opinions, regardless i certainly do not want to hurt this girls feelings, i just dont get why she thinks i would be ok with the break up ( and maybe its my fault for seeing it that way).

she does keep texting and contacting me in other ways and im just taking a cooling off period to think about whether in time ill feel different about being friends with her, what basically happened i decided to confront my past and went to counseling, i tried my best at counseling but i admit i ran myself in the ground i went to events with her that i found extremely uncomfortable and i should have told her id rather not go.

from this point on it became noticeable to that she stopped talking as much and basically cut me out, i felt like sh*t and a few weeks later we ended, what i got from that is that she thought i would never recover and basically become a basket case.

and a few weeks later shes back in contact talking normally again its both confusing and hurtful.

sorry yes i am still seeing a counsellour she doesnt know i am, she asked how i am getting on but as i say i find it hard to trust her again, im not talking to the counsellour about this as there is too much of my childhood to cover and this as a issue would be insignificant

hollis12

well to be honest it wouldnt be easy not to be defensive after the past you told us about, thats a tough one, alright, wheter or not you get on as friends is irealvant at this point, because if someone treated me like that and then came back all smiles and sunshine theyd still be labelled a c*nt in my mind.

had you a good relationship with you, have you ever thought she is trying to get back with you?

LegacyUser

yea we did have a good relationship, and as regards wanting me back i dont know, thinking about it now id really want a apology over leaving me because of bad times, and before anyone jumps at me no she doesnt owe me anything but if she wants to be my friend i would like a explanation for why she cut me out and id like to know that if we were to be friends she wouldnt do it again

can i be frank

op ive been thorugh a simular past by the sounds of things, many people with this past have not survived through suicide, drug drink abuse you are a survivour, i think contact with this "woman" would be detrimental how would you feel if she got a new man after rejecting you for getting abused?

how on earth would she expect that to be ok with you, im guessing that she wouldnt so you need to tell her how you feel about her and how you saw the break up

CDfm

I dont really agree with Can I be Frank - I think she is in the past and whatever reason she has for keeping in touch is a headwreck - it would be a headwreck to anyone not going thru what the OP is. So not wanting to hear from her is normal in my book. No need to look at your issues as an excuse to explain how you are feeling because those feelings are normal. What wouldnt be normal would be if you set out to hurt her in any way as I imagine its not a luxury you can indulge in.

LegacyUser

cdfm i know im normal, if i wasnt hurt by this i wouldnt be, my problem is simply two fold

1. she keeps contacting me even though i nicely asked her to stop
2. its anoying and frustrating to me that she seems to think that we would still have a great connection after the break up

can i be frank

CDfm wrote: »

I dont really agree with Can I be Frank - I think she is in the past and whatever reason she has for keeping in touch is a headwreck - it would be a headwreck to anyone not going thru what the OP is. So not wanting to hear from her is normal in my book. No need to look at your issues as an excuse to explain how you are feeling because those feelings are normal. What wouldnt be normal would be if you set out to hurt her in any way as I imagine its not a luxury you can indulge in.

what part of what i said do you not agree with? of course its worse for the op if he was dumped because he had problems, how would that not be worse

CDfm

can i be frank wrote: »

what part of what i said do you not agree with? of course its worse for the op if he was dumped because he had problems, how would that not be worse

just saying that without any other issues its ok not to want contact.

His problems are not her problems.They came about independently of her. Harsh but true.

So what he is feeling is normal -no more -no less.

can i be frank

CDfm wrote: »

just saying that without any other issues its ok not to want contact.

His problems are not her problems.They came about independently of her. Harsh but true.

So what he is feeling is normal -no more -no less.

the op is asking what to do about his ex not how to heal his trauma, i think youll find if the ops ex wants to be friends after treating him like crap then it is very much her problem!

there was no reason for you to say that setence that was not only harsh it seemed spiteful and unnesacry

hollis12

you see you cant ignore the ops past because she rejected him because of it,

it would be akin to a girl telling to a boy i was sexually abused im a bit depressed but im going to counselling and the boy ignoring her and cutting her out, if then the boy tried to get back in contact acting as if they were best of friends that would cause massive hurt and mistrust.

would it help the girl to say your problems are independent of his?

i think moomoo hit the nail on the head with " that OP wants to have nothing to do with her, and wants her to know exactly why he wants to have nothing to do with her (because at the moment she seems to be under some bizarre illusions in that regard)"

this girl left him when he sought help for his problems and is now trying to be friends the op certainly does not seem to like her just doesnt want to have anything to do with a person of her type, and she seems to have a warped reality of the break up.

CDfm

thats all very well tell her you dont want contact by all means but keep your dignity when you do it.

there are plenty of feckers i would like to kneecap in the morning but it wouldnt improve my life

hollis12

CDfm wrote: »

thats all very well tell her you dont want contact by all means but keep your dignity when you do it.

there are plenty of feckers i would like to kneecap in the morning but it wouldnt improve my life

i see your point there cdfm the op should keep his dignity, but i dont see anything wrong with him telling her what he thinks of her

CDfm

hollis12 wrote: »

i see your point there cdfm the op should keep his dignity, but i dont see anything wrong with him telling her what he thinks of her

why bother - is she that important that you would want to use the energy engaging with her. let her go figure.

hollis12

CDfm wrote: »

why bother - is she that important that you would want to use the energy engaging with her. let her go figure.

yea your right actually it will cause her more anguish guessing, best thing the op can do she deserves it

CDfm

hollis12 wrote: »

yea your right actually it will cause her more anguish guessing, best thing the op can do she deserves it

its not what i intended what i mean why bare your soul and feel like a plonker afterwards =its not worth the effort

hollis12

CDfm wrote: »

its not what i intended what i mean why bare your soul and feel like a plonker afterwards =its not worth the effort

well i agree with that too