How do you forgive?

LegacyUser

Only in the last year or so I have come to realise how angry I am at my mother and to a lesser extent, my older brother. We all still live under the same roof, for now any way. So I just try and avoid them as much as possible. If Im in the kitchen and my mother enters I'll leave as soon as possible, same with my brother. I literally cannot stand to be in the same room as them. I am getting counselling and over a period of time I've come to understand why I hate them so much. My mother used to hit me and my brothers and sisters a lot. She was never there when I needed her and my overriding memory of childhood is being hit and constantly being critisized and shouted at. My Father was never around and so I think my mother took her issues with him out on us. My older brother in turn took his crap out on me.

I hate being bad to my mother though. I constantly leave the room when she enters, I give monosyllabic answers to her anytime she tries to talk to me. But in general I just let her know with my body language and avoidance of her that I dont like her. I dont want to give her a hard time or make her unhappy, i want to let go of the hatred and anger and forgive. Same with my brother, but Im finding it hard. Even the thoughts of being nice to them and forgiving them makes me feel so bitter. People say forgiveness is the way and I believe this but its not so staright forward. Any ideas on how to go about the process of forgiveness would be greatly appreciated. SO how do I forgive?
Thanks

St James

It is not easy to forgive. We are human and all have weaknesses. Some of my weaknesses hurt others, sometimes unbeknownst to me, but other times, I am conscious that I am hurting someone. Some say revenge is sweet, others that it only prolongs the hurt.

You are attending a counsellor. Talk to him/her, pour out your heart and your deepest feelings about the hurts you have experienced. By simply talking freely and openly about them, you can help to release some of the pent up anger and hurt.

Once it is out of your system, you simply try to forget the hurt. Picture them as weak and unable to help, picture them crying out for love and help. You do not have to say to them that you forgive them, that can be very hard. You can simply forgive in your heart.

If you have Christian beliefs, then say in earnest, the 'Our Father'. Consider each word and meditate on each line. You will come to the one' forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us'. Feel the peace that only God can give as you meditate on this line. Does it mean that all your trespasses are forgiven as you forgive, or are they forgiven to the same extent that you forgive. That is, if you fully forgive, are you fully forgive, or if you half forgive are you half forgiven??

Then when you meet your family members who have caused you this hurt, feel pity for their weaknesses and say to yourself that you are above their level and get on with life.

does this make sense - i hope so and will pray for you tonight.

Dionysus

unforgiving wrote: »

Only in the last year or so I have come to realise how angry I am at my mother and to a lesser extent, my older brother. We all still live under the same roof, for now any way. So I just try and avoid them as much as possible. If Im in the kitchen and my mother enters I'll leave as soon as possible, same with my brother. I literally cannot stand to be in the same room as them. I am getting counselling and over a period of time I've come to understand why I hate them so much. My mother used to hit me and my brothers and sisters a lot. She was never there when I needed her and my overriding memory of childhood is being hit and constantly being critisized and shouted at. My Father was never around and so I think my mother took her issues with him out on us. My older brother in turn took his crap out on me.

I hate being bad to my mother though. I constantly leave the room when she enters, I give monosyllabic answers to her anytime she tries to talk to me. But in general I just let her know with my body language and avoidance of her that I dont like her. I dont want to give her a hard time or make her unhappy, i want to let go of the hatred and anger and forgive. Same with my brother, but Im finding it hard. Even the thoughts of being nice to them and forgiving them makes me feel so bitter. People say forgiveness is the way and I believe this but its not so staright forward. Any ideas on how to go about the process of forgiveness would be greatly appreciated. SO how do I forgive?
Thanks

Leave home, heal yourself and go back only when you are ready.

LegacyUser

3 siblings and myself growing up. My father was never around, and i think my mother took her issues out on us. I remember she only took her anger out on two of us. She would hit us for no reason. She would often lock us outside of the house on a cold winter night, like an animal. I remember sleeping with the dog once. He lied on top of me to keep me warm. She would use the handle on the broom to hit us. She never had any faith in me, i was always useless and never good enough. I dont remember one good time i had with her. Like youself, the only thing i remember was just constantly being hit and shouted at.
Im in tears as i right this, so can't continue but it continued right up until i was 22. I will never know why she treated me like that and dont know how to ask her. I can honestly say i hate her.

limklad

It is not easy to forgive those who hurt us the most, especially when they are family.

You mother duty is the rear and care for you as a child and allow you to grow. Yes this even means making your own mistakes, that part of life, learning from your own mistakes and taking responsibility for them. If we all feel guilty for mistakes that we are sorry for, and then made from others to felt guilty for events all of the time for it, then we never grow as a independent happy person. We all feel insecure at some stage, even bullies in which insecurity is driving their needy obsession to bully. The greater the insecurity the more aggressive the bully actions.

As an Adult your Mother/Father/Older Brother and the rest of your family are responsible for their actions (Good and bad) and how they treat others and you are responsible for your own actions and treatment of others, no matter how you are treated in life.

There is constructive critizism where people points out you mistakes in a tactful way and give you possible solutions without been force onto you leaving you to choose freely and destructive criticism why degrades you and make you feel useless and forces you down the resentment road that you are feeling right now. No matter how much others hurt us we cannot hurt others because we been hurt, otherwise we can never break the abusive cycle. Your Parents and older Brother failed this lesson. I pity them as they have lost and throwing away the very best of family life. They destroyed Trust and they use and abuse. If they have not made amends for their behaviour and probably they never will even if you force the issue with them. Very few people change they ways and admit their behaviour and take responsibility for them. Most of the time you have take other actions with the worst case is taking legal action.

You must get up onto your own feet, and get yourself out of the victim mode you are in. You are in an unhealthy environment created by them and allowing yourself to take the victim role, especially with your mother believing she the victim and felt you deserve what you got from her over the years and by your need to feel guilty especially since they always criticise you. Do not let them get to you otherwise you will continue to keep giving them power over you. You have to leave home to become yourself, to find a safe and clam place for yourself, where you can deal with your issues in your time.

Forgiveness is a lot easier than Trusting. Do you trust them to behave themselves towards you? They have form bad relations with you, it is up to them to make amends. You deserve a better life than this, you deserve a happier life, To laugh when you are happy, to cry when you need to cry when feeling sad, to feel free with your self and not feel trapped under destructive criticism or be hit by anyone. There is no point in argument with them it only destructive for you in the end no matter if it feels good initially to let loose, otherwise you will become the bully then by lashing out in revenge at others even innocent/guilty people and kids and you will make the same bad mistakes the bullies made for you have become the bully.

Life is full of many great choices and barriers that we can deal with to make our life interesting and to grow. You have a choice which path you want your life to go. You have to work hard for it, you may fail or may succeed in many of your choices. Where 1 door closes there are many open doors to travel through. The trick is to see them and to choose wisely. Follow you heart and love yourself and leave that destructive life behind you, until you are able to deal with it. Look after yourself, the rest will tend to itself.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I went through a lot of confusion about forgiveness too because my father sexually abused me and my mother physically abused me, i was very confused how to forgive but i can tell you my understanding of it now.

To FOR... GIVE means to look at the situation and find a way that you can feel better about it, it is certainly not about condoning bad behaviour, but it is about finding a way out of your story that defines you, like i changed my story to abuse survivor from abuse victim, i wanted to be in a powerful position rather than a weak one which is where the old story kept me.

A fab book about this is louise hays 'you can heal your life" she has a whole chapter on it and she also forgave the worst things that can happen a human.

Susan Foreward wrote 'Toxic Parents' I think you would really like that book because she goes through the toxic parents we can have with examples of peoples experiences, it really helped me see the reality of my family and to put the responsibility where it belonged to set me free.

kittenkiller

Hi Op.

You really really need to move out.
Surely anything you can afford would be better than living like you do now.

Maybe as you develop through your independence you'll come to a place where you can talk to your family about what happened to you and get the things that have been burdening you off your chest.
When you still live at home it's very difficult to speak with your parents as an adult.

I don't think you'll be able to forgive anything until you change your circumstances though.

Best of luck.

Peggypeg

unforgive2 wrote: »

3 siblings and myself growing up. My father was never around, and i think my mother took her issues out on us. I remember she only took her anger out on two of us. She would hit us for no reason. She would often lock us outside of the house on a cold winter night, like an animal. I remember sleeping with the dog once. He lied on top of me to keep me warm. She would use the handle on the broom to hit us. She never had any faith in me, i was always useless and never good enough. I dont remember one good time i had with her. Like youself, the only thing i remember was just constantly being hit and shouted at.
Im in tears as i right this, so can't continue but it continued right up until i was 22. I will never know why she treated me like that and dont know how to ask her. I can honestly say i hate her.

To All the survivors,
They don't deserve your forgiveness. Don't drive yourself mad trying to figure them out, they are sick, healthy people don't abuse other people like that. What happened to you all was very very wrong and the scars and pain you still carry are the abuser's fault, not yours. There is no reason for a mother/father/family member to behave like a Nazi to children so even if they did try to explain it to you, it wouldn't make any sense. If you all haven't already gone to councelling please go, domestic abuse is not something that you should have to recover from alone. I'd love to give you all a hug. Please feel better soon.

miec

To FOR... GIVE means to look at the situation and find a way that you can feel better about it, it is certainly not about condoning bad behaviour, but it is about finding a way out of your story that defines you, like i changed my story to abuse survivor from abuse victim, i wanted to be in a powerful position rather than a weak one which is where the old story kept me.

A fab book about this is louise hays 'you can heal your life" she has a whole chapter on it and she also forgave the worst things that can happen a human.

Susan Foreward wrote 'Toxic Parents' I think you would really like that book because she goes through the toxic parents we can have with examples of peoples experiences, it really helped me see the reality of my family and to put the responsibility where it belonged to set me free.

+ 1

This is execellent advice, also healing is a process and you have to experience the anger, sense of rage and injustice that you received as a child BEFORE you can forgive. You cannot bypass the angry stage (I know I tried). I did want to ask though, how does your mother treat you now?
Would you be able to confront her with your anger, same with your brother? Would they listen and maybe understand why you are hurt and angry? Or does she still put you down and hurt you?
It may be best for you at the present to also move out, to be honest if you hate her so much at the moment, being in the same space as her is not good for you, whereas living in your own space will give you the room to work things out without seeing her all the time.

ConsiderThis

unforgiving wrote: »

I hate being bad to my mother though. I constantly leave the room when she enters, I give monosyllabic answers to her anytime she tries to talk to me. But in general I just let her know with my body language and avoidance of her that I dont like her. I dont want to give her a hard time or make her unhappy, i want to let go of the hatred and anger and forgive. Same with my brother, but Im finding it hard. Even the thoughts of being nice to them and forgiving them makes me feel so bitter.

One person who inspired me was Gordon Wilson, ( Later Senator Gordon Wilson) whose daughter was kileld at Enniskillen, and he just decided to forgive the killers and refused to allow hate into his heart.

While many here will offer advice and will mean it well, much of it will relate to their own experience and, although they will assume it will be relevant to you, it may not be. I'm not sure this is the right place for general advice on what comes over as quite a complex problem, especially as you live with your mother and brother.

I would suggest you contact a psycho therapist in youu area and have just one meeting with him/her and outline the problem. Ask them what they suggest and bear in mind they are trained to listen to your problem and to help you work through the problem to a resolution and to a better relationship with your mother and brother. If you liek what they say, you may choose to return for further meetings, and if not you only have to walk away and not return.

Bear in mind that your problem is not unusual, and that many people go on to have great relationships with their mothers and brothers who started off at the point where you are at now.

http://www.psychotherapy-ireland.com/ is a good place to find a link to psycho therapists in your area and best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the really nice replies, I appreciate everybody takaing the time to try and help. Ideally I agree that moving out would be the best option, but right now financially thats something Im not in a position to do.
Im not trying to forgive for their benefit, its for my benefit alone. I want to forgive because I cant stand feeling so guilty everytime Im not nice to either my mother or brother. I feel like a terrible person when I leave the room anytime either of them enters. I dont want to be mean or nasty to anybody in life so its for those reasons that I want to forgive.