Failing Final Year/Life

LegacyUser

This is hard for me to even type about because its so ****ing stupid. But I feel I need to get it out there. It might help me face it a little better.

I'm going to try and keep this short and blunt.

Background:

I've had issues with stress and depression for as long as I remember. I've always found it hard to be motivated. I did not do well in school, not due to a lack of intelligence but rather any amount of work or study I would be given would stress me out badly. My way of dealing with this was to ignore it, leave it to the very last second and then just scrape by. Or give up. If I did not ignore it, I would get extremely stressed out even thinking about it, and fall into deep depression.


I'm in my final year of college. I'm doing something I enjoy but I still had the same bad patterns of procrastinating heavily until the last moment, my only motivation being I had to hand in my work in a few hours. Whenever I got down to doing my college work it was always a massively stressful nightmare of being up all night and barley getting it in on time.

I sabotauge myself, I get really stressed out and depressed thinking about my work and bury myself in other distractions so as not to think about it, thus when I do have to do it, its a nightmare due to it being last minute. It would seem I take this approach to almost every aspect of my life.

Sorry it appears I've gone on too long without even getting to my main issue.

Basically, despite all this I was getting through college decently enough, but I messed up big time this year, made some bad decisions early in the year and I have now missed handing in a number of projects. Because of this, I feel I have already messed up and it now appears I have some physiological barrier stopping me from starting any more of my projects.

I simply am unable to start anything. Deadlines go by and nothing. I feel like just re-starting the year but I don't know if that's possible. If it is I think it'll cost me 5 grand or something, at least that's what some people think anyway.

I feel like am at the edge of a black hole of deep depression and thinking about this pulls me in deeper. The only thing that helps is not thinking about it and keeping my mind occupied with hobbies, TV, the internet , gaming , friends. Everything else in the world is mind blowingly fascinating as long as I don't think about my life.

LegacyUser

Original_Poster wrote: »

This is hard for me to even type about because its so ****ing stupid. But I feel I need to get it out there. It might help me face it a little better.

I'm going to try and keep this short and blunt.

Background:

I've had issues with stress and depression for as long as I remember. I've always found it hard to be motivated. I did not do well in school, not due to a lack of intelligence but rather any amount of work or study I would be given would stress me out badly. My way of dealing with this was to ignore it, leave it to the very last second and then just scrape by. Or give up. If I did not ignore it, I would get extremely stressed out even thinking about it, and fall into deep depression.


I'm in my final year of college. I'm doing something I enjoy but I still had the same bad patterns of procrastinating heavily until the last moment, my only motivation being I had to hand in my work in a few hours. Whenever I got down to doing my college work it was always a massively stressful nightmare of being up all night and barley getting it in on time.

I sabotauge myself, I get really stressed out and depressed thinking about my work and bury myself in other distractions so as not to think about it, thus when I do have to do it, its a nightmare due to it being last minute. It would seem I take this approach to almost every aspect of my life.

Sorry it appears I've gone on too long without even getting to my main issue.

Basically, despite all this I was getting through college decently enough, but I messed up big time this year, made some bad decisions early in the year and I have now missed handing in a number of projects. Because of this, I feel I have already messed up and it now appears I have some physiological barrier stopping me from starting any more of my projects.

I simply am unable to start anything. Deadlines go by and nothing. I feel like just re-starting the year but I don't know if that's possible. If it is I think it'll cost me 5 grand or something, at least that's what some people think anyway.

I feel like am at the edge of a black hole of deep depression and thinking about this pulls me in deeper. The only thing that helps is not thinking about it and keeping my mind occupied with hobbies, TV, the internet , gaming , friends. Everything else in the world is mind blowingly fascinating as long as I don't think about my life.

Been there. For years. Complete stagnation and utterly overwhelmed by what I perceived to be the magnitude of the task ahead of me. Long-fingered everything and went firmly into that hole you talk about. And stayed there. Did everything to avoid thinking about my work which of course made it a bigger and bigger task with every week. I was completely stuck in a rut and facing a bigger and bigger problem the longer I avoided it. They were my lost weeks, and months, and years.


Finally broke it through really convincing myself that this was my last chance and working my heart out every night and day. I put time limits on everything and I pushed myself to achieve my daily, weekly and monthly targets. It was, surprisingly for me, the happiest and most fulfilling time of my life. Because of these targets and time limits I was, for the first time in many years, achieving something every single day. Never before had I realised that having a daily sense of achievement, a sense that I had developed, contributed was the key to my happiness. I would never have learned that were it not for throwing myself in heart and soul into my work. I was, very importantly, on top of things and controlling my timetable so therefore I didn't actually get stressed despite working enormous hours every day. That, too, was another huge lesson I learned from throwing myself in the deep end; I can, after all, control my stress rather than be controlled by it. It is truly amazing what a human being can learn about himself when he challenges himself like never before.

You, too, can do an enormous amount of work in a short period of time, but you must be in control of it, because by organising yourself to achieve your aims you take the negative stress off you and replace it with positive stress. In doing so you develop momentum which is the fuel that will get you over the finishing line. Maintaining momentum is surprisingly easy once you dig into your work. I found it to be, without exaggerating, liberating. For instance, when you actually start studying intensively you, the guy who says "I simply am unable to start anything" will get huge confidence and self-belief. From there, things just get better.

You have to jump in; there's no escaping that. However, it is only when you do this that you can realise that the work and discipline is nothing as bad as you had thought it would be and is, in fact, quite invigorating in your life. There is no progress here, or anywhere, without discipline. That has been my guiding maxim in life since as I fear falling back into that old stagnation and procrastination.

As for opting out and starting the year in September, that is possible and perhaps even wise in terms of being more in control of your stress. It is allowed if you have medically certified ill-health. You will have to talk to somebody senior in your college's fees office and explain to them the stress you are under; you will have to make a case for it. If you are on a grant, they will also be open to funding a repeat year if you have solid medical certs. I successfully made this case in 2nd year, which I repeated, before ultimately copping myself on in final year, finishing in the top ten in both my subjects, winning a doctoral scholarship and going on and finishing my PhD. And I went through Hell prior to all this. But I really had to change my thinking.

You can do it but you, too, have to change your basic everyday thinking to doing something now, and therefore staying in control of your stress, rather than long-fingering everything and therefore allowing your stress to control you. That is the central issue here as far as I can see (I hope I’m not projecting). Get into your work; get on top of it; fulfil your daily/weekly/monthly targets and you will have that vital sense of achievement every day which will transform your life and give you the momentum to keep transforming it. It is something to really, really look forward to.


Le gach dea-ghuí/ All the best.

LegacyUser

OP, Go and see a college counsellor ASAP and arrange a meeting to discuss your issues you are having. Exceptions can be made for people who are having problems in their personal lives that are affecting their college work. If you get a letter from the counselling service or a GP to say that you are suffering from depression, I would not be surprised if the college will make an exception and allow you to submit projects that are over due.

Perhaps it will take a meeting with the head of your course but I think you have a good shot. After all you are being totally genuine and its not like you are some chancer just trying to get by easier than others. The fact that you are final year will also help you I think as they will know that you have gotten this far so must be serious.

Get your extensions, do your projects, finish your exams and put the dam place behind you! I HATE college and regularly get depressed about why I am bothering doing it. But I have started it and as much as I hate it I am going to finish it full stop! I think at the end of it I can be very proud as I managed to stick at something I hated for the my future benefit. Yeah those people who graduate with first class honours deserve a lot of credit etc but the real "heroes" in my book when it comes to college are the one's who stick it out and graduate despite being miserable along the way! You can do, you know you can!

LegacyUser

Wow, just wow. You have described my own current predicament and I am amazed at the numerous similarities.

I know exactly how it feels and it is the most infuriating and frustrating feeling. It is a sense of paralysis that you can't seem to resolve. And when you, eventually get past that particular mental block, you rush to get the essay/project done in a small time frame.

I am currently trying to pull myself out of this problem. Getting to bed at a good time, rising early in the morning, trying to keep a full stomach and putting the laptop away. I find myself aimlessly wandering around the internet and it is soul destroying when you see how much time has gone past from reading crap.

So far things are improving for me. My goals are being completed and I am getting a stronger sense of relief from the pressure I feel I am under. Just get rid of the distractions, disable them, take yourself out of your normal environment where you procrastinate and persevere.

Hope this helps!

kjl

As simple as the problem is, the solution is easy too. The first thing you need to do is write a list of all the things you need to do. Go though each subject and think about each all the projects and what not that you have missed.

Next you need to break down you time. Lets assume you have 5 project to be in and tomorrow is Tuesday, then you need to figure out a way that all of the projects will be done by next Monday. Speak to any of the lectures involved and explain to them that the final year is a little overwhelming and your stress and nerves are really affecting you. This way they will understand if you ask for an extension for a few of the subjects.

The reason you stress about the subjects is because it seems like a mountain of work, this is only an illusion and is heightened by feeling stressed. It seems to me like you are obviously good at the subject, anyone who can put in minimal work and get all the way to final year has a good understanding of the subject. Remember this and just do it. Stop pacing around, wondering what you should do, and just do it.

magneticimpulse

The best is to do everything now. If you think about post poning or doing exams another time etc it will only build up more stress etc. You enjoy what you do so put effort in it. Even if you dont get such a great mark this year, its not the be all and end all. But at same time give it your best shot and make timetables to get things do bit by bit.

After college you can get hands on experience in a real job and there wont be so much stress and pressure. If your anything like me, it can be heart breaking to repeat another year and go through all of this again. Therefore try to do your best and get as much work experience as possible after college. Is this an undergraduate degree? Maybe you could try some work experience for 2 years (if you dont have the marks) and with that normally Universities let you continue on a Post Graduate degree.

I always believe in moving forward and not backwards. There are options for you. Talk to the College Councillor and your lecturers for advice on your options.

Oh just to add. I think if you do put the effort in and "fail" a written exam in your final year. There can be the possibility that you will have a Oral Exam in the summer time. In such a case, you are asked about your general knowledge on the subject which was a fail grade. If you know your stuff really well and can express it, its possible to get a Pass Grade. Therefore I dont think it is completely possible to fail an undergraduate degree, especially in final year as they know how much hard work you put in (providing you do hand in/sit all assessments). Lecturers want to Pass people and dont like to see people fail in their final year. So you should check this out too, as it might not be as big a deal as your making. There could be a net to fall on.

sunnyside

Great advice here. Maybe just plan day to day because anything more can be overwhelming. If you do 20 pages a day, that's 100 in a week and probably half the book done.

I seem to work really slowly compared with other people though. It can take me most of the day to get those 20 pages done sometimes.

Affable

Are you struggling with motiation becaue of longing for a realtionship also?

Affable

Dúlagar wrote: »

Been there. For years. Complete stagnation and utterly overwhelmed by what I perceived to be the magnitude of the task ahead of me. Long-fingered everything and went firmly into that hole you talk about. And stayed there. Did everything to avoid thinking about my work which of course made it a bigger and bigger task with every week. I was completely stuck in a rut and facing a bigger and bigger problem the longer I avoided it. They were my lost weeks, and months, and years.


Finally broke it through really convincing myself that this was my last chance and working my heart out every night and day. I put time limits on everything and I pushed myself to achieve my daily, weekly and monthly targets. It was, surprisingly for me, the happiest and most fulfilling time of my life. Because of these targets and time limits I was, for the first time in many years, achieving something every single day. Never before had I realised that having a daily sense of achievement, a sense that I had developed, contributed was the key to my happiness. I would never have learned that were it not for throwing myself in heart and soul into my work. I was, very importantly, on top of things and controlling my timetable so therefore I didn't actually get stressed despite working enormous hours every day. That, too, was another huge lesson I learned from throwing myself in the deep end; I can, after all, control my stress rather than be controlled by it. It is truly amazing what a human being can learn about himself when he challenges himself like never before.

You, too, can do an enormous amount of work in a short period of time, but you must be in control of it, because by organising yourself to achieve your aims you take the negative stress off you and replace it with positive stress. In doing so you develop momentum which is the fuel that will get you over the finishing line. Maintaining momentum is surprisingly easy once you dig into your work. I found it to be, without exaggerating, liberating. For instance, when you actually start studying intensively you, the guy who says "I simply am unable to start anything" will get huge confidence and self-belief. From there, things just get better.

You have to jump in; there's no escaping that. However, it is only when you do this that you can realise that the work and discipline is nothing as bad as you had thought it would be and is, in fact, quite invigorating in your life. There is no progress here, or anywhere, without discipline. That has been my guiding maxim in life since as I fear falling back into that old stagnation and procrastination.

As for opting out and starting the year in September, that is possible and perhaps even wise in terms of being more in control of your stress. It is allowed if you have medically certified ill-health. You will have to talk to somebody senior in your college's fees office and explain to them the stress you are under; you will have to make a case for it. If you are on a grant, they will also be open to funding a repeat year if you have solid medical certs. I successfully made this case in 2nd year, which I repeated, before ultimately copping myself on in final year, finishing in the top ten in both my subjects, winning a doctoral scholarship and going on and finishing my PhD. And I went through Hell prior to all this. But I really had to change my thinking.

You can do it but you, too, have to change your basic everyday thinking to doing something now, and therefore staying in control of your stress, rather than long-fingering everything and therefore allowing your stress to control you. That is the central issue here as far as I can see (I hope I’m not projecting). Get into your work; get on top of it; fulfil your daily/weekly/monthly targets and you will have that vital sense of achievement every day which will transform your life and give you the momentum to keep transforming it. It is something to really, really look forward to.


Le gach dea-ghuí/ All the best.

You write inspiringly. I'm also in the same boat of not motivating myself, being unproductive with my dreams. I assume not having the relationship, finances I want doesn't help either. It hurts not having a love in life. How did you deal with that, cos I'm wondering if that's the guy's problem.

LegacyUser

OP, it was a little scary reading your post as I could have written it myself word for word.

I've suffered from the same problem for a number of years myself both in work and studies.
Having recently returned to college, I'm finding it a struggle to get my assignments done. In fact I'm already set to miss several deadlines.

As I'm in the same predicament, I'm not really in a position to offer much advice but one thing I've that does help is to try and trivialize in a way what you have to do. I'm not saying college work insn't important but if you can tell yourself "It's only an essay that I have to do, on a course that I won't even remember in a year's time" and try and put it in perspective, it can become easier to start.

The fact you can do your projects in a few days and still get buy would suggest you've a good grasp on what you're doing and are in the fortunate position that you don't find it too difficult academically.

If you're the same as me, you're probably saying to yourself at the time "that seems easy enough, I'll do it later", which also leads to the last minute rush. If you can convince yourself to just do tiny bits from the very start sometimes the hurdle isn't quite as big in the end.

It all easier said than done though. At the moment I'm not sleeping well or eating properly over a few assignments, which leads to frustration and then back to anxiety and round and round it goes.

Part of me finds your post comforting as personally, I sometimes saw these symptoms as signs of laziness but I've come to realize now that they aren't.

I genuinely wish you the best of luck overcoming this. When you do manage it, I'd suggest you post back here as I'm sure there are many people out there like myself going through this.

Thanks to others for their advice too

LegacyUser

First of all I would like to thank everyone who has posted here, I've read through each reply a number of times.


I have an appointment with a counsellor coming up so I will see what happens there.

The reason I feel so hopeless about this year, and why I'm leaning more on started the year again from scratch, is because of some bad choices I made.

Going into this year we had a certain number of choice modules, we were given little info about the modules however and I ended up choosing one that while I find the lectures interesting. I'm just not able for. There is a big exam and I just feel out of my league in it. But it was too late to change when I realised this or rather, I did what I always do, tried not to think about it, put it out of my mind for fear of massive stress and deep depression, and by the time I was forced to think about it, it was too late to change.

Having this weight on me along with everything else has killed what little abilities I've had to get things done. I'm in constant regret about my decisions and actions during the first few weeks. I should have known I would be like this, if only I didn't choose that module and instead picked the other one. Which is one while I may not find it as interesting, I can pull it off and do it even with my bad state of mind and habits. There would have been no exam either.

So getting extended deadlines I feel wont help me, I'll still have the same physiological barrier. I feel restarting and changing that choice module is my only hope, but I don't feel happy about that either. I'm part of some group projects too, one is a large final year project, I feel like I'm damaging those projects in the state I'm in, yet I think they wouldn't be pleased with me leaving and restarting. I don't know if I can go on and just finish my final year project, then repeat the 1st half of the year next year with the changed module.

Hopefully I'll find out my options soon. Meanwhile I'm still not able to work on anything at all.


--Affable: "Are you struggling with motiation becaue of longing for a realtionship also?"--

My motivational issues are a big problem that seem to be holding me back in life in general. I have come across the idea that being in a relationship can be very motivating, and its something that's crossed my mind, but that's a whole other PI thread. Girls don't find unmotivated guys attractive anyway so I've kinda always felt I'd need to sort that 1st before I can dive into a relationship.

cailinoBAC

Best of luck with meeting the counsellor. That's a step in the right direction. I was the same as you in final year, missing deadlines, leaving things to the last minute. I didn't look for help in time and thought that would be the end of everything. I have my counsellor to thank for everything though, as she helped me and encouraged me and I was able to repeat parts of my course I thought I couldn't. So I graduated a year later, but I got my degree. I've come across other people in the same situation and my advice always is to try and deal with is sooner, rather than later (with me everything came to a head in April, a bit late for that year). Also, if somebody is supposed to be helping you, but you don't find them particularly encouraging, ask for somebody else.