Is a diluted truth the best thing in this case?

LegacyUser

I went to my very good friends engagement bash last night. It was followed up by a party at her house.

I met some of her family and basically snogged her brother which she actively encouraged and was delighted about.

However, when the party moved back to the family home he basically got very shi!tty with me. He wantes, actually moreso expected me to have sex with him. I was tired and drunk and just wanted a kiss and a cuddle.
A few remarks were made by him for eg saying "get into the bed b1tch" and when I got annoyed he apologised but then said something else crass. When I refused to allow him into the bed I was the bad guy as I hadn't been all over him all night. He very actively chased me for the night, I was playing it cool but it seems he's a bit insecure.

Anyway, I asked him to leave my room after a heated discussion and he went.

Unless he told her all that friend knows is we kissed, I went to bed, he followed me and 20 mins later he left my room and went home.
She adores him. Their parents are dead and they are the only ones in the family. This guy is same age as me 28. Friend is 32.


So obviously it's going to be asked about. She'll want the gossip lol.
I usually tell her everything but I know this is delicate. I can't tell her as she thinks her brother is wonderful. But I have to tell her something so she doesnt try to play matchmaker as I want nothing to do with him.

What'll I say happened?

Thoie

"If something was ever going to happen I'd prefer it to be when I was sober and in full control of my faculties, not a drunken fumble with the brother of someone I care about on her special night."

And then tell her next week about some great guy you've met.

LegacyUser

Thoie wrote: »

"If something was ever going to happen I'd prefer it to be when I was sober and in full control of my faculties, not a drunken fumble with the brother of someone I care about on her special night."

And then tell her next week about some great guy you've met.

Thanks for the reply but I don't think that'll work. She knows me very well, is one of my best friends and knows I've no issues with a drunken fumble lol.
I also think that makes it cound initially like I want something more to come out of what happened with her brother and she will persist in trying to set us up.
I also don't want to lie to her about a new guy. I see her regularly, we socialise together etc. I wouldn't feel right about talking about some made up guy. She'd want some details and the more lies I'd telll, the more likely I'd be caught out and i'd be on here in a few weeks asking how to fix the fact that I hurt her by lying to her.

OS119

Thoie wrote: »

"If something was ever going to happen I'd prefer it to be when I was sober and in full control of my faculties, not a drunken fumble with the brother of someone I care about on her special night."

And then tell her next week about some great guy you've met.

i'd certainly agree that this is a very elegant way of resolving the immediate problem without bending anyones feelings - however its very much a 'stalling' tactic.

OP, i see two issues: firstly that unless you can find some real-life fabulous bloke in short order your 'best friend' is soon going to know your single status and again start pushing for the love-match of the century, and secondly, given that she sees herself as a bit of a match-maker she perhaps ought to be a bit more aware of the 'product' she's pushing - it appears to me that if a little more drink had been taken by either party this is a situation that could have gone very badly wrong. i can see no way of getting your 'best friend' to stop pushing her certainly-not-a-potential-sex-offender brother onto you or other women other than giving her an unedited account of what happened - and the sooner the better - given the way young, probably insecure men are apt to make up stories to cover up for sexual encounters that didn't go as planned.

LegacyUser

OS119 wrote: »

i'd certainly agree that this is a very elegant way of resolving the immediate problem without bending anyones feelings - however its very much a 'stalling' tactic.

OP, i see two issues: firstly that unless you can find some real-life fabulous bloke in short order your 'best friend' is soon going to know your single status and again start pushing for the love-match of the century, and secondly, given that she sees herself as a bit of a match-maker she perhaps ought to be a bit more aware of the 'product' she's pushing - it appears to me that if a little more drink had been taken by either party this is a situation that could have gone very badly wrong. i can see no way of getting your 'best friend' to stop pushing her certainly-not-a-potential-sex-offender brother onto you or other women other than giving her an unedited account of what happened - and the sooner the better - given the way young, probably insecure men are apt to make up stories to cover up for sexual encounters that didn't go as planned.

Ah no, it wasn't that bad that I was in any fear for my safety or felt threatened at any time. The "b1tch" remark wasn't said in a threatening manner, more of a wannabe porn star type of way. Derogatory, yes but not threatening. He was persistant in terms of being with me initially but it was more that as soon as I "gave in" and kissed him, he assumed we were going to have a ONS. The other things he said/did were also more insulting and presumptious than threatening. For eg, as soon as he walked into the room he began taking his clothes off which I found very assuming of him and was peeved by. I told him he was barking up the wrong tree and he replied " we know what kissing will lead to".

He's a total idiot but I do know he's been through a rough time lately and is on the rebound so I was thinking of using that as an excuse? Telling friend that I don't want to get involved with someone on the rebound.
Or alternatively just saying he was presuming we were going to have sex and he got a bit put out when I said I didn't want to. Not going into detail about some of the remarks he made or things he said?

Blood is thicker than water and I really don't want to cause a rift.

Bonito

Op. It was a drunken night, both you and him being drunk. Maybe contacting him and see how he feels. Maybe he'll even apologise for his attitude towards you? Let him know how much his sisters friendship means to you and ask him can both you and him sweep it under the mat and you'll tell his sister he was a perfect gentleman and all you had was a quiet conversation about the good night out, had a kiss and a cuddle and then said your goodbyes. I doubt your friend will mind not being told full details of what her brother gets up to in the bedroom

It wouldn't hurt to give her brother a chance to redeem himself through a date though. Don't forget when she's married she wont be able to spend as much time with you as she used to or is at the moment. If your friend is anything to go by, and her and her brother get along so well, then who knows you two could even click.

OS119

OP, i think - having been a horny young man with the drink in me - that you had a rather closer shave than perhaps you think. the kind of thing you're taking about is well on the dodgy end of drunk/horny/presumption/entitlement - i appreciate that, as a woman, you're the expert on whats ok, whats a bit dodgy and whats downright scary, but the way you described the encounter rings my bells...

unlike Bonito i wouldn't touch this bloke with a stick - and yeah, i think i'd still give your mate a fairly graphic account of what went on. at best she has a stiff word and keeps him away from her friends, and at worst she never speaks to you again - although i have to say my grief at no longer being friends with someone who didn't believe me on such an issue and who thought that pushing her (IMHO) potentially scary brother onto her mates was a good idea wouldn't exactly be all-encompassing...

LegacyUser

I most definitely won't be contacting him or giving him any sort of encouragment. I suffered quite badly with self esteem issues and it took me a long time to realise that I don't deserve to be treated in such a manner and an even longer time to resist trying to make guys like me by sleeping with them. It's not a road I want to travel again. I expect more for myself now.

He might be the nicest bloke in the world. He's been through a recent bad breakup and he'd had a fair whack to drink but at the end of the day he treated me like a piece of meat. If he contacts me to apologise I will be gracious and perfectly nice about it but I won't be contacting him.

I think I'll just tell friend that we had a chat and a kiss but I was wrecked and drunk and didn't want to do anything I'd regret and I'm glad as I think he needs to get over his ex before getting involved yada yada.
If she pushes for us to become the next happy couple I'll just say he's lovely but not my type and hope she doesn't take it as a slur on him or her.

And then just stay away from friends brothers

pretty-in-pink

Hi OP, I'm very close to my little brother, the way that your friend is to hers, and if he did something like this guy has, I would prefer to be told then not told. As you said it may be a reaction to being on the rebound and drunk, but it may also be something more dodgy.

Benefit of the doubt is all well and good, but I reckon you're better off even telling her he was a bit to presumptious, got annoyed when you wouldn't sleep with him, and that you're just not that into him. chances are if you were, you would have a)not needed such pursuing b) would have slept with him or c) would have planned to do it another time, if you didn't want the ONS thing.

username123

Id just be honest with her without being explicit.

Tell her you werent into his behaviour when you were alone with him, that he seemed a bit presumptious, you felt uncomfortable and you prefer someone to be a bit less full on. And leave it at that. Thats the truth isnt it?

Ickle Magoo

I don't know why you can't be at least partially honest so you're neither covering for him or wrapping yourself in knots trying to put off the inevitable matchmaking.

If she asks just tell her what he said and that it completely put you off but you're not angry or anything. You don't want to start withholding the truth from friends, I don't think you have done anything wrong, I'm sure your friend would rather be embarrassed at her brothers behavior than you feeling awkward. Best of luck.

Bottle_of_Smoke

pretty-in-pink wrote: »

Hi OP, I'm very close to my little brother, the way that your friend is to hers, and if he did something like this guy has, I would prefer to be told then not told. As you said it may be a reaction to being on the rebound and drunk, but it may also be something more dodgy.

Benefit of the doubt is all well and good, but I reckon you're better off even telling her he was a bit to presumptious, got annoyed when you wouldn't sleep with him, and that you're just not that into him. chances are if you were, you would have a)not needed such pursuing b) would have slept with him or c) would have planned to do it another time, if you didn't want the ONS thing.

jesus he was pushy after drinking and thinking he was getting laid, the op spelled out he wasnt threatening. youd swear he slipped something in her drink the way people are going on

pretty-in-pink

sure,it could just be pushy cause horny and thought he was in there. but there is a chance that its not. either way, i think she should tell her friend he was a bit pushy and she didn't like it.heck maybe the lad doesn't even remember the night. she felt safe, so he'smost likely fine. however there is not really a good way to explain whyshe is not interested in him beyonda) the truth, which is not wholly shocking or b) a lie, I kissed him cause i was drunk, don't actually fancy him, sorry.

which is probably a half truth actually

LegacyUser

Well, she called me last night looking for the gossip lol.

I just said that we kissed but I didn't want to take it furthur than that so he left. She asked if I was going to see him again and I replied that I felt he wasn't interested in a relationship and honestly, that I thought his breakup was too recent and he'd be better off playing the field for a while.
She then invited me over for dinner with her, her fiancee and her brother (she wasn't getting it obviously!) so I said no thanks, that I didn't want to get involved with him. She asked why and I reiterated the reasons (rebound, him leaving when he realised I wouldn't have sex with him) and she seemed ok.
I told her I felt weird talking about it with her and that I hoped she understood and could we just leave it at that.
So we'll see.

Thanks all for the replies.