Opinions on piece I've done please!

TheCardHolder

Let me know what you think and how I can improve!

4am,
Again.
I told myself I would go to bed at 2am latest. But then again; I tell myself a lot of things. Like I would actually do some study this week, like I would go a day without sitting brain-dead in front of the laptop on instant messenger and maybe do something productive for once. But here I am, talking about how I did nothing today to a girl I don’t even know. All I know about her is that her name’s HornyAbbey19 and she likes coffee. I like coffee too but that doesn’t exactly make us fucking soul mates. She tells me she doesn’t care that I did nothing today and she just wants me to go on webcam, I tell her to go fucking work the streets and then I disconnect. I like to say fuck a lot when I’m angry. I don’t know why I even expected a decent conversation with someone with a name like hers, it’s not like she’s GoodListenerAbbey or UpForGoodConversations19.I fling the empty vodka bottle beside me across the room and it smashes loudly against my wall, that’s when I realise I’m in a bad mood.

That’s been happening a lot lately which is strange, I was always the laidback one, the one who never lost his temper but nowadays I get frustrated over the smallest things. Yesterday in the supermarket some little twelve-year old tried skipping me in the queue, so I tripped the bitch. The old me would have immediately come to my senses and rushed to help her, but the new me... Well, I just laughed and stepped over her crying on the floor and placed my items on the checkout counter much to the horror of the old woman behind it.

I throw the laptop to my side and pick up the remnants of the vodka bottle managing to cut myself on the process. I ignore the sharp pain, focusing instead of the emotional pain I’m currently feeling. I’m upset over a number of things like when did my life become so dull? I ran through my daily routine searching for a glimpse of hope and it occurs to me, the most significant thing I did today was make toast. The greatest thing I did today was putting two slices of bread into a machine... I wait for a moment to let it sink in. Then it hits me, my life is pathetic.

Everything about it, I’d change everything if I could; friends, family, lifestyle. I was surprised it had taken me this long to realise it but I hated my life, I hated every insignificant detail of it. I hated the fact I grew up in a middleclass family, I hated the fact my best friend was someone I only talked to because he lived next door and I most of all I hated myself and what I’d become. I shunned human contact, preferring instead to live my days up in the cavern of my room. But who could blame me when the only other option was spending time with friends I had grown to dislike, I had grown to despise both them and the monotonous activities they indulged in which I on occasion was forced to participate in just to give the impression I was still social to my overbearing parents.

I opened up my bedroom window and hopped onto the roof. The cool breeze was refreshing after being cooked up in my room all day. Patting down my pockets I searched for a lighter, when I found one I reached into my jacket pocket and pulled out a crumpled box of cigarettes and swiftly lit one. Taking a seat on the windowsill, I took a large drag and then exhaled slowly, attempting to let the wisps of smoke slowly float up my nose. I took another large drag, exhaled and sat in silence for a moment, reflecting on my life. Suddenly I was crying, with my free hand I attempted to rub the tears out but only succeeded in making it worse. I stood up and began pacing up and down my roof, briefly pausing every few steps to take a drag.

This wasn’t my own life I was leading, I was following a script. I was trapped, confined by the norms of society, expected to follow the same path everyone followed; school, college, job. Boy meets girl somewhere along the way gets married and they raise progeny of their own. But fuck routine, fuck expectations, fuck the script and most of all fuck this town. It was then I decided, with one last heavy drag I flung the cigarette into the garden and jumped off the roof landing with a loud thud on the ground. I walked to the edge of my driveway, paused briefly and took one last look at my house, the prison I had been in all these years and then turned back around and set off to find something better. I didn’t know where I was going but it didn’t matter, all that mattered was that a new chapter of my life was starting and for once I was the author. I reached into my pocket searching for my mp3 player, found the headphones, slotted them into my ears, stuck on a track and set off along the long road to salvation.

It's the first thing I've written since my essay for the leaving cert so be gentle

EileenG

This isn't aimed just at you, there are lots of other people who do the same thing.

Short answer: I opened this with the intention of reviewing it, but when I saw the size and density of the paragraphs, I just lost interest. I had to do Henry James at school, and never want to wade through paragraphs like that again.

If you want people to give you feedback, put it in a form which makes it easy to read.

TheCardHolder

EileenG wrote: »

This isn't aimed just at you, there are lots of other people who do the same thing.

Short answer: I opened this with the intention of reviewing it, but when I saw the size and density of the paragraphs, I just lost interest. I had to do Henry James at school, and never want to wade through paragraphs like that again.

If you want people to give you feedback, put it in a form which makes it easy to read.

Sorry, I tend to rant and generally produce large paragraphs. I made the sizes a bit smaller so hopefully it's easier on the eyes. Let me know

WiseMona

I think it was good.

I think that you are writing - and that is GREAT! IT can be very hard to 'get back on the horse' and I think nothing kills your writing spirit more than exams and especially the leaving cert.

I would ease up on using the 'F' word. I appreciate the fact that your character uses it when angry, but it gets old - fast.

The story does raise the question 'where is he going?' That is good - but the question I was asking myself at the end was 'do I really care' so I think you need to dig up a little controversy to engage the reader a little more - so you do not loose them.

That is my 2 cents worth

EileenG

Much better. This time I could read it.

I think it's very well written, but do you really need that much introspection in such large dollops? I think it would be more effective if you had less, and you wove it into the action more.

I'd like more information about the central character. You don't reveal age, education, place in family, anything like that. A 16 year old running away from home is different from a 25 year old.

TheCardHolder

EileenG wrote: »

Much better. This time I could read it.

I think it's very well written, but do you really need that much introspection in such large dollops? I think it would be more effective if you had less, and you wove it into the action more.

I'd like more information about the central character. You don't reveal age, education, place in family, anything like that. A 16 year old running away from home is different from a 25 year old.

It started off with me just as the character says sitting up at 4am when I was supposed to be studying. I decided to write my thoughts down and soon it began forming into a short passage. I agree with you saying that I overdid it slightly with the introspection but I think that's mostly to do with the fact the piece was originally just my thoughts on paper! Of course I exaggerated a lot of the feeling the protagonist has, I'm not in the same frame of mind as him, no need to worry

Again I think the lack of information was mostly to do with me just writing the piece down as my own thoughts originally. If I had to put an age on the character I'd say he's 18/19. I kind of like the lack of information about him given as it gives the reader more of an opportunity to place themselves in his position but I do realise that it would be easier to picture the story if there was more information given about him.

Thanks for the insight. I'll be sure to take it on board!

TheCardHolder

WiseMona wrote: »

I think it was good.

I think that you are writing - and that is GREAT! IT can be very hard to 'get back on the horse' and I think nothing kills your writing spirit more than exams and especially the leaving cert.

I would ease up on using the 'F' word. I appreciate the fact that your character uses it when angry, but it gets old - fast.

The story does raise the question 'where is he going?' That is good - but the question I was asking myself at the end was 'do I really care' so I think you need to dig up a little controversy to engage the reader a little more - so you do not loose them.

That is my 2 cents worth

Firstly thanks for the insight, I probaly should find a different way to express the character's emotion without using the 'F' word but I thought when I was writing it, it fit in with the character's personality and his current state of mind.

I was thinking of adding in a little bit of something so as to keep the reader a little more engaged but decided to show it to a few friends. I think that the story connects more with a certain type of reader e.g. those in late teens feeling a sense of unfufilment and rebellion more than any other audience as a lot of people in that grouping can see themselves in the same position.

EileenG

TheCardHolder wrote: »

It started off with me just as the character says sitting up at 4am when I was supposed to be studying. I decided to write my thoughts down and soon it began forming into a short passage. I agree with you saying that I overdid it slightly with the introspection but I think that's mostly to do with the fact the piece was originally just my thoughts on paper! Of course I exaggerated a lot of the feeling the protagonist has, I'm not in the same frame of mind as him, no need to worry

Again I think the lack of information was mostly to do with me just writing the piece down as my own thoughts originally. If I had to put an age on the character I'd say he's 18/19. I kind of like the lack of information about him given as it gives the reader more of an opportunity to place themselves in his position but I do realise that it would be easier to picture the story if there was more information given about him.

Thanks for the insight. I'll be sure to take it on board!

That's what editing is for. You start with a piece based on your emotions, and turn it into something that is meaningful for your reader.

I find it's easier to identify with a character if I have more information. I was once 18 and remember what it was like, even if I'm not now, and knowing the age etc gives me a handle on him. Without some concrete details, I'm left wondering if it's a young runaway, or an unemployed husband.

EileenG

TheCardHolder wrote: »

I was thinking of adding in a little bit of something so as to keep the reader a little more engaged but decided to show it to a few friends. I think that the story connects more with a certain type of reader e.g. those in late teens feeling a sense of unfufilment and rebellion more than any other audience as a lot of people in that grouping can see themselves in the same position.

The danger here is that the type of disillusioned teen who feels like that is not interested in reading long chunks of text about it.

"Show, don't tell" is something to remember here. Let the character's actions show his mindset, rather than you telling every detail. Give the actual IM exchange, for instance, rather than just his memory of it.

Jordonvito

I opened this thread with no intentions of reading all of your passage, but after the first paragraph I wanted to read on. So you won me over!

pickarooney

It's rather well written and I would probably read on, but there would need to be a hook, sharpish. The whole navel-gazing misanthrope buzz has been done and overdone so, when you rewrite it, try plant the seeds of something fresh to entice the reader.

I don't know how long it's been since your Leaving Cert, but try not to let too much time pass before you write the next one

TheCardHolder

Thanks for all the comments guys.

It's rather well written and I would probably read on, but there would need to be a hook, sharpish. The whole navel-gazing misanthrope buzz has been done and overdone so, when you rewrite it, try plant the seeds of something fresh to entice the reader.

I don't know how long it's been since your Leaving Cert, but try not to let too much time pass before you write the next one

I've gotten back into writing. I'm working ona portfolio for a film course at the moment so I've been writing a lot of scripts for that. I have to say, it feels good to be wirting again.:)

Joycey

EileenG wrote: »

Much better. This time I could read it.

I think it's very well written, but do you really need that much introspection in such large dollops? I think it would be more effective if you had less, and you wove it into the action more.

But then you are advising this person to write pulp as opposed to whatever they like writing. Introspection all the way.

For me, you killed all sympathy for your character when you said that you tripped the child on purpose. If you had had them stick their leg out without really considering it, a kind of spontaneous movement, it would build up a sense of depth of character as well as sympathy with a clearly damaged individual.

Just IMO anyway

EileenG

Joycey wrote: »

But then you are advising this person to write pulp as opposed to whatever they like writing. Introspection all the way.

Pulp? No such thing. But I believe that the reader is doing the writer a favour by reading her efforts, not the other way around. The least you can do is try to write a readable piece, and not insult the reader by over-explaining everything.

I'm constantly amazed at the arrogance of writers who are convinced that every thought that pops into their head is the ultimate last word in perfection and can't possibly be improved.

Ruby-J

Hi the Cardholder,

its a great piece imho, i think its really capturing a moment. However i guess the language is a bit frequent.

well done, im interested to see where this goes and if you have written more!

i do agree with EileenG though that perhaps giving a bit more background into the age etc of the main character. but otherwise its got a lot of potential!

Spiritoftheseventies

Read some short stories by JD Salinger as it has the same sort of writing style. Cut down on the amount I's and swearing as well. But if writing is something you enjoy keep at it.