getting over an ex......apologies!!!!

LegacyUser

ok, same old problem that usually crops up in here.....i can't get over an ex. thing is we broke up a year and a half ago. was with her for 4 and half years, really did love her, saw our future together. break up was very hard, i did everything i shouldnt have, kept in contact, tried to be friends, generally dragged out the whole process and hurt myself more and more. took me a year to finally cut contact, and cop on to the fact that it wasn't meant to be. i am the type of person who thinks alot about things, probably thought about it too much to be honest. bottom line though, i really loved her and it hurt me deep when we finished. i havent talked to her in over 6 months, no idea what she is up too anymore.

anyway moving on a year and a half later and my ex is still getting in the way of potential new relationships. i would never say it, but when i am with potential new girlfriends, there is something in the back of my head saying "i cant see myself ever being as happy/comfortable with this girl as i was with my ex". my ex was stunning and very kind, she understood me and was my best friend, everything i wanted from a partner, and people i have been with since just dont seem to be those things. i know you dont find out these things about someone straight away, but i find some fault with new girls and focus on that comparing it to my ex. worse still, i have recently slept with a girl i have been good friends with for a long time. we slept together a couple of times. she told me she had always liked me and i was thinking in my head i would like to give it a go. i never did anything about it though because i just knew i could never be as happy with her. she has now told me i have hurt her alot and i have let her down, which i can kind of understand. it is just my own stupid issues that prevented me doing anything.

i really want to move on and let go, something inside of me is still hurting though, it is preventing me giving myself a chance with someone new. i have heard all the right advice, start to give people a chance and go on a few dates, i know this is the correct advice....but something inside me is stopping me, i am still hurting.....wish i wasn't but i am. has anyone ever been in the same stupid situation, still struggling with a break up that has happened a long time ago.....???

jared86

I'm definitely going to follow this thread. I was with my ex for 5 years and it's been 7 months now since we broke up. I feel similar to you in respect to the fact that whenever I meet someone new that has potential I compare her negatively to what I had with my ex. The whole best friends thing etc. etc. I completely understand!!

secondchance

Yup I feel exactly the same way. I broke it off with my ex two years ago (I was young and going through some issues and so pushed him away) and when I realised my mistake it was too late. Not a day goes by where I don't think of him and as much as I try to forget and move on I don't know if he can ever be replaced, no guy I've met has come even close. Ha I'm crying just writing this, what a sap. Anyways, hope it brings you some small comfort knowing that others are in the same boat, stay strong. I'm hoping the phrase "fake it 'til you make it" will some day hold true for me!

LegacyUser

How's things mate. I had a long post written out but realised there wasn't much advice in so deleted it and started again. Here's my 2c...

I broke up with my ex over 5 years ago. To cut a long story short, I thought that maybe our relationship had run it's course and I would be happier on my own. Well I wasn't happier on my own and by the time I said this to her it was all too late. Cue plenty of tears on both sides. I learned a lot from our relationship. The positives far outweighed the negatives. But I didn't communicate this to her. I just shrugged my shoulders and said 'I dunno'. I didn't grab the bull by the horns and say this to her and have lost her forever. The past 5 years I've gone through all the emotions - denial, anger, heartbreak, regret and horrible as it was - acceptance. I came on here before Christmas myself looking for advice as it was hitting home bigtime to me. People will give you their opinion on it. Listen to them. They generally will be fairly on the money in what they're saying. Take their advice onboard. This was my my <a href="http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055742499">thread.</a&gt;

I've spent 5 years hurting over something that I will never be able to have again. I had something beautiful but I broke it. I realised that a long time ago. For me, the feelings have never gone away. Little things will always remind me of her. Like you, I compare any new girl to my ex. I haven't got it in my heart to start a relationship with someone new. My ex is getting married next summer. She didn't tell me herself, in fact it's well over a year since I last bumped into her. That hurts a lot. But I know I have to put it aside and get on with my own life. She's happy so why shouldn't I be? Life really is too short.

Happiness for me is pottering around and having fun with women. I enjoy their company. One thing I've learned is that I can make other women happy and I know I'll never hurt them. But I feel empty sometimes so I don't pursue anything. It's just not in me. That's the way I feel, and I'm comfortable with that now. I just let things happen naturally. There's absolutely loads of super women out there. Have some fun with them. Talk to them, chat them up, maybe even ask them out on a date. It will do loads for your confidence.

You have to accept that the relationship you had is over. It hurts but it really is the only solution. In my own case I went to talk to a counsellor. I wanted to clear my head. It helped me a bit and could help you too. They'll help set you straight.

Life really is what you make of it. Over the past 5 years I've gotten on with my life. I've travelled (should have cut contact with her while away but once again that's hindsight!), joined a gym and excercise reguarly. I also went to Hot Yoga classes which I found extremely beneficial, as cliched as it might sound. There's loads of women in the classes and if you're not an ass, don't perv on them, you can generally have some fun with them. Meeting women outside pub/nightclub is much better.

Of course I think about her a lot. I really regret how I let it happen but I try to focus on what's right for me. I never contact her and I probably will have no reason ever to do so again. Yes I miss her and all that but I know I have to move on. I feel she'll always always be in the back of my mind but surely it is possible to fall in love again? Maybe not to the same level or intensity but if I don't try how will I ever know. I might be contradicting myself by saying earlier I don't feel like starting anything serious with anyone but surely the best will be unplanned. If it doesn't happen then so what. At least I can look back and say I lived my life to the best I could despite my regrets. Look at people that have to deal with unbelievable tragedy in their lives, losing loved ones. They find the strength to get on with their lives. So can I. You can too.

People will tell you to move on etc. It's easier said than done I know. But the day you accept it's over is the day you'll start living your life again. Get out there, live your life and do the things that will make you happy. Best of luck with it.

ZULU9niner

"Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all"

Even better to realise your onto a the best thing in your life and to tkae the chance I say!!


No matter how long/short you were with someone, whether you loved them or not will define how you will be when its over. I was going out with someone for nearly a decade. Remember the very moment something clicked inside me and realised I loved her. I still do even though we are not together anymore.

My father has the same type of feelings for someone in his past that he has not seen or heard from in more than 30 years.

If you've lost it, it will suck in a big way - for the rest of your life. But thats life. If your lucky it will come round again, but the first, second third time etc will never reduce the feelings.

Thats my experience of it.

LegacyUser

I was with somebody for 6 years, and couldn't stand the thought that I wasn't with her anymore. I stayed optimistic, lived life as much as possible, but every girl I met seemed meaningless, just didn't want to be with them but at the same time wanted to be with someone because I missed what I had.

I became comfortable just being single, then one day this amazing girl walked into my life and changed everything, I now have feelings of love I'm not sure I remember experiencing before. I still miss my ex sometimes, because it's different and because I suppose, in a way losing an ex you never see again is like as if they've died, even if you meet them they're a different person and things will never be the same.

But love could be just around the corner, and you never know where it will come out of and hit you... it's really a case of realising life is short, and there's two ways of looking at it.. look back, say life is short and you'll never get another chance before you die, or look forward and live the rest of your life, and let the opportunity for something new and for happiness to come to you... you had a happy relationship before and you won't mess it up again... which mindset would you prefer? because I believe the change is YOUR choice.

LegacyUser

I broke up with a girl recently. only with her 6 months but she cheated on me. i'm having a hard time just getting through the day.

drinking a lot more lately.

its kinda sad how your heart feels after a breakup isnt it

ssornareik

ZULU9niner wrote: »

"Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all"

I have to say I highly disagree with the above quote. Put it this way: If you give a kid a lollipop, it's really happy, take the lollipop away and it will be very said for awhile. - Really it would have been better not to have given the lollipop to the kid at all.

It is not better to have loved and lost, it is better to love and stay in love or it is better to never have loved. To have loved and lost is just too difficult. We are not the only species on this earth that goes through these emotions, it's genetically encoded in all of us, more dominant in some than others.

I'm in love with my girlfriend and I would hate it if it ended which is why I constantly go out of my way for her. We have a good thing going on and I want to nurture it.

K

ZULU9niner

I have to say I highly disagree with the above quote. Put it this way: If you give a kid a lollipop, it's really happy, take the lollipop away and it will be very said for awhile. - Really it would have been better not to have given the lollipop to the kid at all.

But the kid will never have tasted a lollipop! And so will go on through life never knowing how great it tastes!

it is better to love and stay in love or it is better to never have loved. To have loved and lost is just too difficult.

Sometimes you dont have the luxury of being in a position to continue the realtionship. I'm cut up over her, but if someone gave me the option to not start it in the first place, I'd turn them down.

I'm in love with my girlfriend and I would hate it if it ended which is why I constantly go out of my way for her. We have a good thing going on and I want to nurture it.

That is fantastic for you. I mean that, and hope it works for ye. I'm just saying sometimes, things outside any of your control can affect your relationship.

LegacyUser

Right guys, i get what your all saying but where does the New Girl fit into this equation hmmm?
I've fallen completely head over heals for a guy but have noticed some red-flags that make me think he's still hung-up on his ex girlfriend...
He was with her for 7 years, don't know exactly what went on but she broke his heart.
He was then single for 3 years and met me.... we are together almost 1 year.
So are you saying that i can never compare to his ex and that he'll never feel the same way about me as he did her?
I've been there before, i've been the ex GFriend and broke my ex's heart after 5 years but it had to finish cos we spent 70% of our time fighting over him being paranoid and not trusting me.
So now, i've met this guy - i have feelings for him that i've never experienced before in my life i can truly say it's the first time i've been really in love.
As i said there are a lot of red flags about his ex tho... it's very worrying and i'm scared that i'm wasting my time here if i'll never match up to his "ex"

LegacyUser

op here,

just wanna say thanks for the replies so far, all very interesting to hear.

alwaysonmymind, your previous thread and your post here are great to read, thanks. very similar to myself. like you, i want to move on, i dont want to be living in the past, i want happiness.....it is very hard though. to be honest, i dont struggle at all when i am in company, friends and family would think and say that i am very happy, appear in great form and am really enjoying being single. what no-one knows is, when i'm on my own at any stage, my mind automatically reverts to the ex and how i wish things could have been different. that time on the bus, in and out of work, in bed at night, when i have the house to myself...these are the times i miss her and think about her most, resulting in me getting down. i have accepted we will never get bck together or anything like that, i'm just sad that i lost someone who really was everything i wanted, someone who made me happy. and it is these thoughts which also preventing me giving others a chance.

thenewgirl, thanks also for your post. just to let you's know, i don't know if i am doing the right thing here or not here??? But i contacted the new girl, my friend this week, to say i'd hate if our friendship was ruined by my actions. after much talking i have agreed to go on a date this week. i want to move on from my ex and i want to start giving others a chance, to stop what i have been doing normally and automatically ruling them out.

like i have said before, i want to move on and let go, this hurting i feel when i compare others to the ex is not healthy, i'm hoping maybe if i give others a chance maybe something could happen and i could be happy once again. am i doing the right thing do you's think?