Coming out to parents?

metamorphosis

So - as the title says really.

I'm at a very happy place in my life, friends all know, surrounded by great people. Couldn't ask for more except that i am finding it impossible to tell the folks. I told my sister when i was 18 (2005) and all seemed to be well but it never arised in conversation again ... ever. Said it again later and she said she thought i might have been unsure about me been gay and i re assured her i wasn't and all was good. But ever since it has never arose at all, which is fair enough really as we are still as close but i think the experience has put me off telling the parentals.Me and my sister talked about everything growing up. It was always me, my ma and my sis growing up so me and my sis looked after each other. Consequently it was a bit of a kick when she never asked or mentionned it aain. I am now at a stage though where i would like mam and her partner(of 10 years) to know. I would like to tell them instead of them hearing it through the grapevine. Any words of wisdom or experiences out there to share that might spur me on.

It's amazing that after telling all these other people, and feeling comfortable, that the thought of having to say it to the folks makes me nervous. I would prefer to tell it on RTE news!!

shay_562

In terms of your sister, don't necessarily let that throw you off. It's entirely possible that, while not having a problem with it, it's still a bit of a weird topic of conversation for her. Me and my bro are close enough and would talk about most stuff pretty openly, but we never really discuss each other's romantic lives, 'cause it'd just be odd. Or would you two have talked about stuff like that before you told her and only stopped afterwards? If so, maybe talk to her and see if there's any reason why she doesn't seem to want to discuss it - if she does have a problem, better to get it out into the open. If she doesn't, it may be something she's doing subconsciously and will stop when asked about it. Either way, talk to her if you're planning on telling your folks - having her onside will be a big help on the off-chance that they don't take it well.

As for the main question: makes total sense to tell your parents before they find out some other way, and fair play for having the balls to do it. Do you have any idea how they'll take it? As in, have you or your sister ever mentioned any gay friend in front of them, or have you ever seen them react to gay celebrities or gay characters on TV with any particular feelings either way? It's not exactly an accurate way of predicting reactions (people tend to react differently to their own kids than to outsiders, for better or worse) but it'll tell you if they have some huge problem with it. Assuming they don't, best bet is to just bite the bullet - sit them down, preferably while you're all sober, and tell them straight out. No dancing around the topic, no euphimisms - the more uncomfortable you seem about it, the more they'll feel uncomfortable about it. They'll likely have questions, depending on their age some of them might be kinda appalling, but it's better to answer them. I'm not gonna lie and say that it's a 100% certainty that they'll be absolutely fine about it immediately, but even if they don't take it well, the overwhelming likelihood is that they love you, so they'll get over it eventually. The sooner you tell them, the sooner they'll have come to terms with it.

Or there's option B: "Mam, I've got something to tell you. You're going to be a grandmother." "WHAT?!?!" "Just kidding - actually, I'll never knock anyone up/get knocked up without planning it! Isn't that deadly?" Accentuate the positives, like.

Either way, good luck!

Boston

When you first come out to people its this hot topic they everyone's chatting and gossiping about for a week or two. Everyone's asking questions, often incredibly inappropriate questions. At least this was my experience the first time around. This can lead to an expectation that when you tell someone you're gay that its going to be a talking point for awhile. The truth is that there's no particular reason it should be. You haven't mentioned a romantic life here, so whats there to talk about with your sister.

It's also possible she just doesn't know how to interact with the gay you, in which case you should take the lead. As for telling the folks, just do it.From the sounds of it, things aren't going to get worse. If you only ever talk about it once, that's still one more time then now.

Aard

A little advice I wish I was given, and is so obvious to me now, is that when you come out of the closet, your parents go into the closet. Give them time to come to terms with it.


Also, if they're anything like most Irish mammys and daddys, expect some awkwardness. Wait, a lot of awkwardness. And, as said above, some ridiculous questions. The fewer gay people they know, the more ridiculous they'll be. E.g. my parents are quite sheltered, and have no gay friends. When I told them, my mum asked me if I would be "walking down the street wearing a dress". Yeah. They really have no idea. I reassured her, and it's been (relatively) OK since.

ronaneire

It's not the easiest thing in the world for some people and it certainly wasn't for me. I told my mother who inturn told my da. I just didn't have the balls ha, I just always seemed to get on better with my ma then my da.
Should all be fine though.

metamorphosis

Cheers for the advice guys.

Gonna head out home during the week and just do it. No time like the present. Not living out there so if all does not go down well , there's time for it to settle in for them without me been there.

I think it will go okay though. Ill update when they're told.

eagle_&_bear

very best of luck mate

Cabbage Brained

Best of luck mate, you'll be fine.

Regarding the sister issue, she may think that you're awkward about it, and might be waiting for you to bring it up. I'd just start bringing it up with her more often, to show that you're comfortable with it. I wouldn't confront her on why she doesn't talk about it though.

LegacyUser

I know of people who have come out to parents and to them there relationship has never been the same :? it depends on your parents though

BanzaiBk

I hope it goes well for you ULstudent, it's never really easy.

One bit of advice I would offer is try to tell them together. I told my mam first and then without my consent she told my dad. He was very upset that I didn't tell them together and was under the impression I wasn't going to tell him etc. I echo Aard's advice - give them time too, I never really thought about them needing time and tbh was a bit stroppy when they weren't OK with it straight away.

G'luck.

Beruthiel

Boston wrote: »

It's also possible she just doesn't know how to interact with the gay you.

I would just like to echo that.
If she has no gay friends then you are the only one she knows, therefore she has no real frame of reference and has no clue how to broach the subject.

Good luck with telling your parents.

secman

OP don't be one bit surprised if they do not already know, parents have intuitions about such issues. There comes a time when parents notice things, I for one suspected my daughter was gay for about a year or more before I approached her on it. I helped her come out of the closet, best thing that ever happened. She is in a relationship for about 2 1/2 yrs now and is absolutely content and happy. She would have found it extremely difficult to come out to me in particular as I was totally anti Gay. But I am no longer a dinsaur, the earth is not flat !

Best of luck with your coming out.

Secman

Donnaghm

I have told more or less everyone I care about bar my parents and siblings. Everyone that knows is fine even the more conservative, typically closed minded ones. I really think the country has moved on in relation to this issue. The emotional and intellectual stranglehold the Catholic Church had on this country is wearing off.

But, I can't seem to tell the folks. I think I can handle rejection from my friends, as close as they are. But rejection from my immediate family, particulary my folks, would be harrowing and traumatic.

Donnaghm

shay_562 wrote: »

As for the main question: makes total sense to tell your parents before they find out some other way, and fair play for having the balls to do it. Do you have any idea how they'll take it? As in, have you or your sister ever mentioned any gay friend in front of them, or have you ever seen them react to gay celebrities or gay characters on TV with any particular feelings either way? It's not exactly an accurate way of predicting reactions (people tend to react differently to their own kids than to outsiders, for better or worse) but it'll tell you if they have some huge problem with it. Assuming they don't, best bet is to just bite the bullet - sit them down, preferably while you're all sober, and tell them straight out. No dancing around the topic, no euphimisms - the more uncomfortable you seem about it, the more they'll feel uncomfortable about it.

There's currently a storyline in Eastenders about a closeted gay hindu and an openly gay Londoner. I've often sat down with my parents whilst watching an episode of Eastenders featuring the internal conflict of the hindu fellow who is in love with the other fellow. Anyway, my parents just don't react to it at all. I don't know what conclusion to reach based on it. They normally react in some way to characters and storylines. Eg. "Phil Mitchell is some prick" etc.

Dwn Wth Vwls

Donnaghm wrote: »

There's currently a storyline in Eastenders about a closeted gay hindu and an openly gay Londoner. I've often sat down with my parents whilst watching an episode of Eastenders featuring the internal conflict of the hindu fellow who is in love with the other fellow. Anyway, my parents just don't react to it at all. I don't know what conclusion to reach based on it. They normally react in some way to characters and storylines. Eg. "Phil Mitchell is some prick" etc.

If people want to say something bad, they usually don't hold back unless they're worried about offending someone or looking bad themselves. If they don't comment in this case, perhaps they suspect about you?

shay_562

Donnaghm wrote:

There's currently a storyline in Eastenders about a closeted gay hindu and an openly gay Londoner. I've often sat down with my parents whilst watching an episode of Eastenders featuring the internal conflict of the hindu fellow who is in love with the other fellow. Anyway, my parents just don't react to it at all. I don't know what conclusion to reach based on it. They normally react in some way to characters and storylines. Eg. "Phil Mitchell is some prick" etc.

Well, the fact that they're not reacting badly is a good sign. About a year before I came out, I watched my ma be simultaneously grossed out by two gay characters on Casualty being all lovey-dovey on a date, yet really sympathetic to Todd on Corrie when he was cheating on his pregnant wife with a guy. Mixed messages < no message at all, I reckon. Could be what Dwn Wth Vwls says, and they have an inkling about you and don't want to comment either way. Could just be that they find the storyline completely unremarkable and boring.

Either way, I get what you mean about finding their potential rejection more harrowing than anyone else's - but equally, they're more likely than anyone else to try and find a way to deal with it even if they are somewhat homophobic. Families may be incredibly frustrating at times, but more often than not they'll come through when you need them.

Boston

Donnaghm wrote: »

There's currently a storyline in Eastenders about a closeted gay hindu and an openly gay Londoner. I've often sat down with my parents whilst watching an episode of Eastenders featuring the internal conflict of the hindu fellow who is in love with the other fellow. Anyway, my parents just don't react to it at all. I don't know what conclusion to reach based on it. They normally react in some way to characters and storylines. Eg. "Phil Mitchell is some prick" etc.

Bear with me here, I'm going to get philosophical.

Having thought on this for some time I feel its not fear of rejection, its fear that your parents opinion or view of you will change. I've encountered a lot of bizarre attitude towards gays/bisexuals from people of all walks of life. Few I could classify as rejections. Most peoples view of you will change however. That's fine if you've only known someone a few months, or a couple years. These relationships are ever evolving and changing anyway. It brings you closer to some, further from others, see new sides of the rest.

The parental relationship, on the other hand, is the longest and most complex relationship you've every had. It should be your bedrock, your foundation, either good or bad. We all built our initial world around our parents, even if they were bastards, even if they weren't around. When solid relationships like these change in minor or major ways, it can be scary. If something has been the same for a very long time, and then suddenly it changes we feel very put out. It doesn't matter if the change is for the best, it's still going to be weird, it's still going to be a little upsetting.

Thats why I think parents are such stumbling blocks. Even when you know they secretly know, and still love you and would support you, it's hard to tell them, because things will "never be the same again".

Anyway, thats my 2c.

stephen_n

Boston wrote: »

Bear with me here, I'm going to get philosophical.

Having thought on this for some time I feel its not fear of rejection, its fear that your parents opinion or view of you will change. I've encountered a lot of bizarre attitude towards gays/bisexuals from people of all walks of life. Few I could classify as rejections. Most peoples view of you will change however. That's fine if you've only known someone a few months, or a couple years. These relationships are ever evolving and changing anyway. It brings you closer to some, further from others, see new sides of the rest.

The parental relationship, on the other hand, is the longest and most complex relationship you've every had. It should be your bedrock, your foundation, either good or bad. We all built our initial world around our parents, even if they were bastards, even if they weren't around. When solid relationships like these change in minor or major ways, it can be scary. If something has been the same for a very long time, and then suddenly it changes we feel very put out. It doesn't matter if the change is for the best, it's still going to weird, it's still going to be a little upsetting.

Thats why I think parents are such stumbling blocks. Even when you know they secretly know, and still love you and would support you, it's hard to tell them, because things will "never be the same again".

Anyway, thats my 2c.

Rejection is just a word though, the meaning of it comes in many forms. Mostly we know or would hope that our parents wouldn't turn their backs on us, though for some people that's the case. However the changes you refer too can be lack of acceptance, with people trying to accommodate two conflicting viewpoints (a) their love of you with (b) their views on your sexuality and although they do not reject you they may never truely accept you. I think the biggest fear is actually lack of acceptance or maybe that was just me as the hardest part for me was to find acceptance about myself!

Donnaghm

Boston wrote: »

Bear with me here, I'm going to get philosophical.

Having thought on this for some time I feel its not fear of rejection, its fear that your parents opinion or view of you will change. I've encountered a lot of bizarre attitude towards gays/bisexuals from people of all walks of life. Few I could classify as rejections. Most peoples view of you will change however. That's fine if you've only known someone a few months, or a couple years. These relationships are ever evolving and changing anyway. It brings you closer to some, further from others, see new sides of the rest.

The parental relationship, on the other hand, is the longest and most complex relationship you've every had. It should be your bedrock, your foundation, either good or bad. We all built our initial world around our parents, even if they were bastards, even if they weren't around. When solid relationships like these change in minor or major ways, it can be scary. If something has been the same for a very long time, and then suddenly it changes we feel very put out. It doesn't matter if the change is for the best, it's still going to be weird, it's still going to be a little upsetting.

Thats why I think parents are such stumbling blocks. Even when you know they secretly know, and still love you and would support you, it's hard to tell them, because things will "never be the same again".

Anyway, thats my 2c.

Terrific 2c, sums up my situation rather well.

LegacyUser

When I told my parents my mum gave out to me for not telling her sooner, and my dad said 'fair play'. They took it extremely well and really don't care. If anything it just made my mum more embarrassing because she keeps asking me about lads.

The way I looked at it, moments before I did it, was 'Whatever their reaction, they have to know someday, it might as well be now'. Just do it like, it's that final load of the shoulders.

Killer_banana

When it come to my sexuality II'm 'out' as in all my friends know and if someone were to ask me I'd answer honestly even if I'd just met them. That said I can never ever imagine telling my parents. I have to brothers and although I don't know how I'd ever tell them I think one day that I will. The idea of my parents ever knowing is absolutely terrifying though.

When I came to term with my sexuality I thought that I would some day manage to get up the courage to tell my parents. They're quite old fashioned and religious but I believed some day i'd manage it. However one day after my mum caught my brother and his girlfriend kissing and we were laughing and joking about it. Then out of no where she said 'at least we didn't catch him with another lad. It'd be hard, but we'd have to accept it.' Ever since I've been so scared. I want to tell my parents, especially my mum because we're quite close but I don't think I ever can. Especially as I'm bisexual which will complicate things further. They know what gay is and they've have some exposure to it but I wouldn't be surprised if they'd never heard the word bisexual.

Anyway, good luck to you OP, hope it goes well.

Edit: Sorry found this through google and didn't realise it was a few months old. Sorry for resurrecting a dead thread.

metamorphosis

Been bored ****less, i was looking through old threads i created tonight, came across this and said i might as well update!

The parentals know, in fact, after this thread i went on as normal. Then the ma would make little remarks every now and again which, basically said, in a way, that she knew but without spelling it out. Whereas before it would have been 'future girlfriend, future wife' comments, it was more like 'future partner' or 'person you end up with in the future'. Does not sound like much i know but within the dynamic of our relationship, it was a noticeable shift in comments. One evening she slipped a quick one on there about the guy or girl i end up with down the like and that was the breaking point. We chatted pretty soon after that, she said she always had an inkling, said i should have told her sooner.

We chatted about my sister - noting much has progressed between us since, but to be fair, that's my sister and i realize she's like that in most aspects of life. We are pretty close, it's just not something we discuss, i dont really discuss her boyfriend with her and we don't discuses my relationships. It's just something that we dont discuss, but we are so close it never sticks out.

Im at a happy place with life right now, hoping to start my masters in marketing in sept and working in a job area i enjoy despite it paying me **** money and me having no many to spend,but those are little things. Good friends, good family. Good future prospects, when you can talk freely around those that mean the most, you realise how freeing you are and life is. It's not always something you pick up on beforehand but when you dont have to watch what you say around people, its an invisible cloud gone that was over ya. Maybe thats just within my family dynamic as we are close and helped each other through **** times growing up.

Anyway, this prob just looks like a big ramble. My advice - dont let silly fears hold you back from doing what you want. Lifes too short. Stay with those who make you feel good, get on with life. You as a person are a little blip in the big picture so do what makes you happy.