Criticism please (short extract)

K4t

A man lies awake in his bed. He stares at the ceiling above into the darkness which he has become so accustomed to. He lies there for a while, just listening, listening to his wife's soft breathing which soothes his constant pain, and to the sound of the birds outside their bedroom window. He would wake early every morning to listen to the birds singing, a privilige denied to him by city life. He listens carefully, not missing a single note, and imagines them perched on the window sill or in a tree, free from everything, carefree and singing. His wife awakes and turns immediately to her husband. They do not speak, they do not touch. She simply stares into his eyes and smiles. Before he can speak she is sitting up on the side of the bed removing her garments. "I'm going for a shower, honey, are you okay on your own? she asks, in that caring tone of voice she had always possessed. He used to cherish it, it comforted him. But now, now he hated it.

I haven't done any creative writing since the leaving cert and, inspired by Padraaaaig, I started writing this a few minutes ago. It's similar to a short piece I wrote in secondary school but never finished. Harsh criticism is welcomed. Thanks.:)

pickarooney

Honestly, it's a little too short for a critique. Maybe add a little more, flesh it out a bit first?

EileenG

What he said. It needs more for any useful criticism.

One thing I'd watch is the Irish use of "would". Irish people say things like "I would have been driving along" when they mean "I was driving along". I assume you really mean "He woke early every morning"?

When his wife wakes, you could probably start a new paragraph.

K4t

pickarooney wrote: »

Honestly, it's a little too short for a critique. Maybe add a little more, flesh it out a bit first?

Will do. I have a plot. I'll add another paragraph and give some extra information.

EileenG wrote: »

What he said. It needs more for any useful criticism.

One thing I'd watch is the Irish use of "would". Irish people say things like "I would have been driving along" when they mean "I was driving along". I assume you really mean "He woke early every morning"?

When his wife wakes, you could probably start a new paragraph.

Yep, I mean "He woke early every morning." Thanks for the tip. I'll add to it in tonight when I have time.

pickarooney

EileenG wrote: »

would have been driving along" when they mean "I was driving along". I assume you really mean "He woke early every morning"?

This is at odds with the present tense used throughout the piece. 'Would' doesn't fit either, even in an Irish context (and I'm not convinced the use of 'would' for the habitual past is Hiberno-English). Just use 'wakes'.

Also, 'he stares at the ceiling above into the darkness' - which is he looking at - darkness or the ceiling?