My ex wants to be friends

LegacyUser

Sorry for the long post...

My ex broke it off with me 4 months ago. We'd been friends 8 years and been together romantically the last five. I took the break-up really badly and was absolutely devastated. I felt my whole world had fallen apart.. In the first few weeks I took time off work and contemplated suicide and signing myself into a psychiatric hospital. I really felt overwhelmed and that I coudn't cope. It felt like i was living in a nightmare. Somehow I got through that period with the support of friends and family. She hooked up with someone new about a month after the break-up. This hurt me deeply. As hurt as I was I still missed her and I last contacted her about a month ago by text to tell her how much I missed her. This was obviously a mistake as, as hard as I thought I was having it, it only got harder by contacting her. I realised my mistake immediately and never replied to her reply and vowed never to contact her again. I struggled all over Christmas - the first Christmas I've ever spent on my own. I did survive it and drew strength from the coming of the new year. I still think about her a lot of the time and find sleep is no escape either. She's my first thought when I wake in the morning but I try and direct my mind to other things. Slowly slowly, my days are not as bad as they have been although at tmes it feels like a never-ending struggle.

We had a really deep understanding of each other and I know she has struggled to find someone she can be entirely intimate with since the break-up. I'm exactly the same and have questioned how I'm ever going to build a relationship like that with someone else.

Anyway she sent me a text last night to enquire if we can ever be friends again. Some of my pain of the break-up is the feeling that the woman I loved rejected me. This rejection is lessened somewhat since this text but I feel I'm in no fit state to be in any contact with this woman. Should I just ignore her text and possibly get her number blocked or should I just reply 'we can never be friends' or should I reply 'maybe someday'. Doing nothing is the best I can come up with on my own.

Pricey

Hi,

I have spoken to many. many men that have experienced what you are going through, I have even went through periods like yours, and it is never easy.

one such example, I was going out with a girl for half a year, (not as long as you,) she flew home to take exams in her own country, and when she flew back, she got back together with her old boyfriend, It was difficult. But looking back, it was for the better.

I have regular reminders of her being there, from facebook, her phone number on my phone etc. But I have moved on. the world is too big for you to never look outside your front door. I have since met many wonderful people, all of which are different and special in their own way, I look back and think, why did I allow myself to be hurt so much, (it is always easier in hindsight)

try and restrain from texting this girl back, I know it will be difficult, but you are in an emotionally weak state at the moment, you need to build yourself up mentally again, and prepare yourself to take on the world.

The sun still shines tomorrow
and there is some amazing people in this world, you just have to discover them.

Im here if you need me

Pricey ;-)

MicraBoy

This sounds like she is trying to make her self feel better about how much she hurt. I think it's fairly inappropriate to ask that 4 months after a breakup.

I'd advise to either ignore her and delete number etc. or to simply reply with "may be someday, but not now, and not for some time"

Things are way to raw at the moment for you to contemplate any other action. The important thing is that whichever you choose you do not feel guilty about protecting your own mental well being.

Wagon

Sorry to hear of all the trouble mate. It's never easy and i understand the misery. It does get better, trust me on this. but im going to be honest about this situation.

Struggling wrote: »

Anyway she sent me a text last night to enquire if we can ever be friends again.

I always thought that this was really disrespectul when people send a message or ask a question like this. She only wants to ease her own guilt of hurting you.

Some of my pain of the break-up is the feeling that the woman I loved rejected me. This rejection is lessened somewhat since this text but I feel I'm in no fit state to be in any contact with this woman.

Whatever her reasons for breaking up, they arent important to you. If you feel a little better about the situation since the text then great, but you know yourself that you can't do the friendship thing.

Should I just ignore her text and possibly get her number blocked

It's really really hard to do that i heard. The number needs to be blocked from every broadcasting tower in the land so i think its only reserved for special cases. you can check, but dont get your hopes up.

or should I just reply 'we can never be friends' or should I reply 'maybe someday'. Doing nothing is the best I can come up with on my own.

Personally, I think you're idea is best. Why waste 15 cent on a text to her? Nothing will change the situation. and "maybe someday" can backfire on you, certainly when she gets lonely she might look at that as an opening for lines of communication and needs someone that can understand her. Happens a lot.

Don't reply to any text from her, dont make any contact ever again if you feel like it and move on with your life. What many women (but not all) don't realise is that when you break up with someone you have to also accept the fact that you may never ever see them again. She clearly hasn't copped that part yet. If she still sends you messages though, lay down the law before you get dragged down. Remember you're the dumped party here, therefore it's completely up to you to decide what to do next. If that's nothing, then so be it. she should respect that decision. hope things improve fast mate, cant be a good start for the new year.

Sephiroth_dude

Struggling wrote: »

Anyway she sent me a text last night to enquire if we can ever be friends again. Some of my pain of the break-up is the feeling that the woman I loved rejected me. This rejection is lessened somewhat since this text but I feel I'm in no fit state to be in any contact with this woman. Should I just ignore her text and possibly get her number blocked or should I just reply 'we can never be friends' or should I reply 'maybe someday'. Doing nothing is the best I can come up with on my own.

Personally I would'nt bother replying at all,Like one of the posters said above,Its sounds like shes trying to make herself feel better,In order to get over her your gonna have to cut all contact,so no I would'nt bother replying to her txt if I were you.

LegacyUser

The reason she's contacting me now is not to assuage her guilt, it's that she hasn't been able to establish a similar relationship with her new boyfriend (if she's still with him) or anyone else in her life. She hasn't found someone that she can totally open up to and misses that part of our relationship.

As I said in my post, I haven't found anyone either and I miss this intimacy more than anything, but I'm trying to convince myself (although I'm struggling to believe it) that we must not have been right for each other.

It can never go back to where we were before we got together. I feel that this relationship must now be broken beyond repair although I don't even like thinking this. My heart feels like it's been obliterated but it's like as if she has no idea. At some level I feel like we are incapable of have a truly loving relationship as we're incapable of not continually hurting each other and this text and me contemplating replying to it is just another instance of this.

What totally f*cks up my head is how did - what I thought was the most special thing in the world - turn into this long term source of serious pain? How do I get past this resentment, anger, and hurt?

Taltos

In the meantime - find something to keep yourself busy.
Take up a new hobby / sport - maybe something that has you so knackered by the end of the day you just want to fall into your bed and sleep.

It does get easier - but back and forth contact like this is quite likely to set you back.

So far you have done everything right - and you know we all have a slip up - so sending that text was not the worst thing in the world. But nows the time to just look forward - focus on something new - anything - and in a few mths or a yr or so you will not recognise yourself.

Key thing is to find an outlet for that anger and to find a way to divert it or stop it when you start seeing the warning signs.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. There's a delay when I post anonymously.

Not contacting her is the hardest thing to do so I'm presuming this is the path I should take. When I read your post sunflower27 it was like music to my ears, but this is often the sign for lots of pain ahead. The suicidal thoughts I've had are a result of this break-up bringing to a head some underlying personal issues.

I don't think I'd be able to contact her and tell her how I feel without just opening up the wound again. It really doesn't matter what I say to her, I'll still be expecting/wishing for her to call/txt me for a long time in the future.

hollis12

Wagon wrote: »

Sorry to hear of all the trouble mate. It's never easy and i understand the misery. It does get better, trust me on this. but im going to be honest about this situation.

I always thought that this was really disrespectul when people send a message or ask a question like this. She only wants to ease her own guilt of hurting you.

Whatever her reasons for breaking up, they arent important to you. If you feel a little better about the situation since the text then great, but you know yourself that you can't do the friendship thing.

It's really really hard to do that i heard. The number needs to be blocked from every broadcasting tower in the land so i think its only reserved for special cases. you can check, but dont get your hopes up.

Personally, I think you're idea is best. Why waste 15 cent on a text to her? Nothing will change the situation. and "maybe someday" can backfire on you, certainly when she gets lonely she might look at that as an opening for lines of communication and needs someone that can understand her. Happens a lot.

Don't reply to any text from her, dont make any contact ever again if you feel like it and move on with your life. What many women (but not all) don't realise is that when you break up with someone you have to also accept the fact that you may never ever see them again. She clearly hasn't copped that part yet. If she still sends you messages though, lay down the law before you get dragged down. Remember you're the dumped party here, therefore it's completely up to you to decide what to do next. If that's nothing, then so be it. she should respect that decision. hope things improve fast mate, cant be a good start for the new year.

i agree man it may be hard to see now but as time goes by youll see it for what it is, i had a ex who contacted me after breaking up with me and when she called i simply said why are you contacting me really? she said i want to be friends, i said were not you dumped me, i confronted her about feeling guilty and told her im not here to make her feel better and i havent heard from her since,

Moomoo1

Struggling wrote: »

My heart feels like it's been obliterated but it's like as if she has no idea.

I'd say she has a pretty good idea of that. If not, she can't be very bright. But she is thinking of herself first, hence the way she's acting.

I'd just tell her to go screw herself, personally. She decided to saw the branch she was sitting on, she now has to live with it.

Wagon

Struggling wrote: »

The reason she's contacting me now is not to assuage her guilt, it's that she hasn't been able to establish a similar relationship with her new boyfriend (if she's still with him) or anyone else in her life. She hasn't found someone that she can totally open up to and misses that part of our relationship.

You're probably spot on with that. All the more reason not to text her.

By matter of interest, have you deleted all contact details? (phone numbers,facebooks,email etc...)

tinkerbell

Don't reply to her, you are not in a relationship anymore with her so you owe her nothing. So what if she wants to be your friend - doesn't mean you are obliged to be her friend. She's only thinking of herself now, not you.

It's been difficult enough for you to try and move on with your life and since you are still not over her, if you start being friends with her now, you will never get over her. Just cut her out of your life completely - don't reply to her, just ignore her. Otherwise you'll always be in limbo.

Wibbs

Struggling wrote: »

The reason she's contacting me now is not to assuage her guilt, it's that she hasn't been able to establish a similar relationship with her new boyfriend (if she's still with him) or anyone else in her life. She hasn't found someone that she can totally open up to and misses that part of our relationship.

I know this may sound harsh to you as you still love her, but my reply to that and her? Tough. If she cant establish that with some other bloke well thats not your problem. If it was so special to her why did she chose to leave? I'm sure you have reasons and explanations and excuses why she did, but I have seen couples who have gone through all sorts of hell, but are still together. Why? because there was genuine love and affection there.

FWIW I agree with you. The chances are its not anything to do with her guilt, or at least thats a minor part of it. My humble? What she wants to do is this; she doesnt love you enough or in a romantic way enough to stay and build a future together with you, but she's not found that with a new bloke. Though she has found the romantic/sexual avenue with him. So until such time as she does get the whole package elsewhere, she'll want to keep you in her life to balance that out.

Great for her, she has her cake and eats it. Great for the new bloke as he gets all the fun and a future together(if thats what he wants). Crap for you as you have a deep emotional wound constantly being poked and prodded.

If you do remain "friends" what will happen in 99% of cases is that it'll go along like that until she's transferred most of her affections to some new guy and then you will be phased out.

This is a very common one. Though I have to say too, I've known far more (younger) women to do this, "lets build a perfect guy out of more than one guy".

How do you get over this? Well sadly you have to go through it for a time and it wont be easy, but it will get easier. If you can maybe seek out a counselor to help you build coping mechanisms for the grief of this and it is a kind of grief IMHO. Breaking contact which is often trotted out does work. It wont be easy of course, but it will help. It stops that wound being constantly open and allows it to heal. Day by day it will get better and usually the healling and moving on creeps up on you Best of luck.

Moomoo1

I agree with the 'building the perfect guy/girl'. In the past, those people would have married the 'emotional connection' person and cheated with the 'physical connection' person.

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

It's really really hard to do that i heard. The number needs to be blocked from every broadcasting tower in the land so i think its only reserved for special cases. you can check, but dont get your hopes up.

i think O2 do something like this now but it is not done at individual towers. in theory not that much trouble for them to do at all but most networks don't.

the better option would be to just get a new sim card with a new number and don't even think about contacting her until a cooling off period of several years have elapsed

i find these 'happy new year/crimbo' texts are a great excuse for these sort of people to get in touch so you have to be on the lookout for that at the end of this year and be sure to not reply to it

this girl is in it for her own good, using you as an emotional crutch while pushing you deeper into the ice. if you reply to her now you will get friend-zoned, she will have the upper hand and that isn't a good thing for you. if you hold out for a year and a half or so you might have an icecube's chance but that would be it. i wouldnt bother though, its so incredibly common that girls do this and after seeing a 'bad side' like this of someone i wouldn't want to associate with them again

if this was the holiday season and it wasn't -8 outside i would tell you to go off to some other part of the country for a few days to clear your head with a good few pints and talk to a bunch of strangers. this helps for me but not for everyone