Worried about ex - to help or not?

LegacyUser

My ex and I had been going out for 6 years, living together for 3. We got on great, talked about marriage, kids etc as recently as this summer.

Then at the end of the summer things started getting him down – money worries, we were both getting a bit stressed and the fun had probably gone out of things a bit because of this. We had never really fought before, never had a bad patch until this. He told me in September that he wasn’t sure about his feelings for me, he wasn’t happy and he wasn’t sure why. He has other problems in his past that he hasn’t dealt with too and I asked him if he thought counselling would help him, he said it wasn’t that bad. I suggested a break, he said no. Over the next few months I really tried to be positive and supportive and I thought he was feeling better. But then he started pushing me away, not telling me things. He broke up with me two months ago and moved out. He said that by the time he finally told me how he felt and talked to me, things had blown up so much in his head that he couldn't see a future for us.

He left me to deal with everything – rent, bills that he had let stack up, packing his things.He owes me money as I had been paying for a lot more because I earn more and he just left and put his head in the sand. I was devastated and shocked, it was like a personality transplant. He’s usually the happiest, most positive, caring, kind person I know. That’s not me having rose-tinted glasses – my family and friends are all totally shocked at the way he dealt with it because he’s usually so caring and generous.

After a few weeks I rang him and said he had to deal with things and help me sort things out, he couldn’t treat me like this and I was so disappointed with him and didn’t know what had happened to make him act like that – not the breaking up with me, but how it was handled. He said his head was all over the place, he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him and he talked for ages about how he felt. He’s sick of always being the happy, strong one who helps everyone else. He’s talked about not feeling emotions, not liking himself, feeling like he hasn’t achieved anything.

We spoke before Christmas and he agreed he needs counselling. I knew he’ll keep putting it off so I gave him some numbers. He told me he had rang and had an appointment for January. We had no contact over Christmas but I rang him a few days ago to make sure he was keeping the appointment but this time he said he hadn’t made an appointment, he had just rang the counsellor and talked to him and said he’d arrange an appointment in January. He told me he would make an appointment this week.

Sorry for rambling on, but my issue is I don’t know how much more I should do. I know I’m not doing myself any favours by trying to help and it’s stopping me from moving on properly, but I feel like if I’m the only one who he's opening up to then I can’t just walk away. I know that two of his immediate family have suffered from depression. But then on bad days I feel like a total fool for worrying so much about someone who tore my life apart – maybe he’s fine and I’m deluding myself into thinking there’s something wrong to avoid the fact that he just doesn’t love me anymore.

So it comes down to – should I keep trying to help or should I walk away?

extrinzic

Nobody can really answer that question but you I’m afraid. Ordinarily, I would tell you that you need to forget about him and move on. However, you both have invested so much in each other I understand that it must be hard to let it go. I think you should accept the relationship is over. If you can do this, then you may be in a sufficient place to play a positive role in your ex’s life. If you cannot let the possibility of getting back together go, then you should leave him to fend for himself. Either way, he will survive, no doubt. I think that if you still harbour the hope of relationship recovery, you may drop him when he needs you most (after he becomes somewhat dependent on you for support), due to your sudden realisation of unfulfilled hopes. This would not be good for either of you. It is very likely that he will attempt to become dependent on you financially again, and you should make it clear from the start that he is not to ask. Good luck.

Wurly

He has to make that appointment. Simple as.

You cannot help someone who isn't willing to help themselves. Its a totally draining exercise with no end in sight. You cant, nor is it your responsibility to save someone else.

I understand that this is an extremely upsetting and heartbreaking situation but you must look out for yourself.

Explain to him that you will be there for him and help him (if that's what you want to do) but he must make the effort to help himself also.

I really hope he does make this appointment as it appears that there is potential with this relationship. This is provided that he sorts himself out.

Wishing you the very best of luck.xx

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for replies. I think I'll contact him once more to make sure he's done it and after that it's up to him. It's just so draining and really stopping me getting over the break up, it's been two months but I'm still in bits and can't stop thinking about it.

I want to help him because I'm worried about him but deep down I know I'm also really hoping that if he gets help we could give things another go and I need to let that go.

Ickle Magoo

It's not really going to work or happen if your doing all the work. He needs to see the problem and he needs to want to fix it. Hounding him to make an appointment you made him agree to in the first place isn't him getting help, it's you dragging him to the help you want him to get.

He's a grown man, I assume he has friends and family to look out for him, you need to let go and get on with your own life and give him the space and time to work on his. Best of luck.