Ramblings or something to it ?

Skyelite

Hi all, this is my first post but I'm a long time reader of Boards.ie

Ok, where to start or even try to explain why I'm posting, bear with me as the following is my brain doing overtime. Your thoughts and comments would be a helpful insight to me, as I see that there are a lot of very level headed people around here that give really good advice and more often than not hit the nail on the head.

I met a man at the beginning of last year and I can honestly say I've fallen head over heels in love with him. We're both in our mid 30's. Recently we have spoken about our future together in a very brief kind of way, no specifics but both have admitted we see a future with each other. I think he would talk more specifics but I keep holding back on having the conversation due to my fears below.

Here lays my bother. I always saw my path in life heading in a particular direction - single, no kids - this is something I was content with. I was never out looking for a man. Now since I've met him I'm heading off in a totally different path - moving to the other side of country, marriage, kids, the whole nine yards - this is something I'm looking forward to with him, surprisingly enough never thought I would.

However, I have so many doubts. Not about him, but about me and life/relationships in general.
When after the initial honeymoon period wears off, will I still be happy with him ?
So many relationship / marriage breakdowns, will we become a statistic ?
What if I am making a mistake about him ?
Am I in love with the idea of being in love or am I actually in love with him ?
Never thought I wanted kids, since i met him, I want to have his, what if I can't have children now ?

I am scared, really scared of the relationship not working out therefore sometimes I do not always give 100% of myself to the relationship, as I had my heart broken before, not a nice place to be, hence why I was content to go down the singleton path in life.

I know, I know, I know - calm down, stop over-analysing things and go with the flow and see what happens, you can't tell the future, no two relationships are the same. No matter how many times I tell myself these things, logically I know I shouldn't but I can't help myself wondering/questioning about these things. I can stop the questioning/wondering for a few weeks but it always comes back.

The funny thing (well I find funny) is that the fact that I have to move to the other side of the country to be with him, give up my job, my life here, move away from my family - these things don't cost me a thought because this man I have fallen in love with is everything I could wish for in a partner - kind, loving, generous, thoughtful, patient, great listener. I know he's the man for me. I have told him about my fears, we've talked about them and he encourages me to tell him about my fears so that we can work through them together.

I want to stop being scared of relationships and stop second guessing life and it's crap and be happy. I am the happiest I have ever been since I met him but I know there's better to come by being with him if I allow myself to jump into this life with him.

I don't want to ruin the best relationship I've ever had because of my negative thoughts -
So how can I get rid of these doubts in my head ?
Am I afraid of commitment ?
Am I just paranoid ?
Or is this something in my gut telling me that something is not right in this relationship ?
Or is making a life with someone not worth the hassle, are you just better off going through life on your own, that way you've only yourself to rely on and nobody to let you down in life ? (Very negative I know but sometimes I just wonder if relationships are worth it )

Would love to hear your thoughs on my conflicting/contradictory thoughts !

Barracudaincork

There are so many questions in your post, you are driving yourself mad with this! Stop, stop being so scared and live your life girl!

Ok so i am aware that is easier said than done, but what choice do you have? Stay where you are and be unhappy that you let the one man who made you feel good/happy etc slip away or are you going to get off your b*tt and take charge of your life, take a chance, live a little and throw yourself into something as amazing as this sounds?

I dont mean to belittle your fears but none of those fears IMO are big enough not to take a risk in love and life! You love the man, he loves you stuff the rest I say!!

Bonito

Hi Op I think you're in the right place here. You're partner sounds like a win win. He's there to scrunch up all these episodes of fear and toss them to the bin. In my opinion this shows his commitment to yours and his life/future together. It's a subtle way of saying "I know you're worried but so am I, and I wont be taking no for an answer, you're mine and I'm yours and everything will be fine so long as we have each other".

You owe it to yourself to slip into this relationship 100% and be happy. I don't believe you're in love with the idea of being in love I feel you genuinely love your partner, beacause even you said yourself until he came along you weren't bothered about continuing on in life a singleton.

As for over-analysing, you're not the worst in my opinion everyone has there ifs and buts, but the difference with you is you have someone who's reassuring you everything will be brilliant.

Maybe your partner has picked up on your minor uncertainties but he also knows that you're head strong enough to realise yourself that it's not a "too good to be true" relationship. Therefore he's placing no pressure on you to just run away together but rather he's letting you settle yourself in and contemplate the idea of starting a new life

I don't believe you're abandoning everything, you'll still have your family, you can still visit, you can start to make your own family and watch it flourish.

As for the "what if it all goes dull after the honey moon period". I'd suggest not to go from 0-60 in flat out seconds but, rather build up to the occassion, then when it comes relish it and enjoy it, then when you're home and settling in, come down slowly, don't just jam on the brakes. Long and short of it you've got years ahead of you so you don't need to rush anything

let your down and let all your worries roll away with it and go live it up Op

Skyelite

Hey Guys, thanks so much for replying to my 'ramblings'. Some times its good to get an outside perspective on things.

I especially like these comments

It's a subtle way of saying "I know you're worried but so am I, and I wont be taking no for an answer, you're mine and I'm yours and everything will be fine so long as we have each other".

Sounds like you waited long enough to find this guy - stop over-analysing and enjoy it. Life is full of ups and downs and your relationship wont always be a bed of roses but for now... let the good times roll.

You love the man, he loves you stuff the rest I say!!

I know your right but I have a brain that just keeps thinking too much. He often says to me that he'd love to get a switch to turn it off for me sometimes. I'd love to be able to allow myself to relax and stop putting pressure on myself. I feed bad for him when I do this wondering/questioning but when I do talk to him about my worries I find that he calms me and never puts pressure on me. I know he's good for me and makes me a better person (such a cliche but true).

If I could find a way of allowing myself to be happy and roll with it. I know what I need to do but don't know how to do it.

Bonito

Skyelite wrote: »

Hey Guys, thanks so much for replying to my 'ramblings'. Some times its good to get an outside perspective on things.

I especially like these comments

It's a subtle way of saying "I know you're worried but so am I, and I wont be taking no for an answer, you're mine and I'm yours and everything will be fine so long as we have each other".

Sounds like you waited long enough to find this guy - stop over-analysing and enjoy it. Life is full of ups and downs and your relationship wont always be a bed of roses but for now... let the good times roll.

You love the man, he loves you stuff the rest I say!!

I know your right but I have a brain that just keeps thinking too much. He often says to me that he'd love to get a switch to turn it off for me sometimes. I'd love to be able to allow myself to relax and stop putting pressure on myself. I feed bad for him when I do this wondering/questioning but when I do talk to him about my worries I find that he calms me and never puts pressure on me. I know he's good for me and makes me a better person (such a cliche but true).

If I could find a way of allowing myself to be happy and roll with it. I know what I need to do but don't know how to do it.

A quiet little weekend away together maybe Op? Just let yourself relax Maybe time to crack open the bath salts

Skyelite

Not a bad idea Bonito, think its time for me to treat him for a number of different reasons.

relax, bath salts and some lovin :cool:

aidan24326

Skyelite wrote: »

I know your right but I have a brain that just keeps thinking too much. He often says to me that he'd love to get a switch to turn it off for me sometimes. I'd love to be able to allow myself to relax and stop putting pressure on myself. I feed bad for him when I do this wondering/questioning but when I do talk to him about my worries I find that he calms me and never puts pressure on me. I know he's good for me and makes me a better person (such a cliche but true).

If I could find a way of allowing myself to be happy and roll with it. I know what I need to do but don't know how to do it.

You said it yourself in your original post, you are OVER-ANALYSING everything. And you know what, I could say to you that that's harmless but it often isn't. It can be quite destructive in the long term, to both yourself, your bf and ultimately to your relationship. Stop looking for reasons why things mightn't work and start celebrating the reasons that they will.

It's no harm to be a bit scared, no harm at all. Much as we'd like to we can't control everything that happens in life, sometimes you have to just pick up the ball and run with it. And by the sound of things you have something that's worth running with, so just go for it and don't ruin it by thinking yourself into a muddle that doesn't really exist outside your own head.

Bonito

That's the spirit! Enjoy!

Skyelite

That is most definately my worry Aidan.

As Sunflower suggests, a change of mindset is needed - must set about trying to do that, whether it be books or another method.

I don't like to bring up my worries too often with the OH, because I hate to dissappoint him but then again all the advice I see here is that the key to a good relationship is to talk, talk, talk to each other. I guess I need to find a balance, find a solution to my issues and stop bringing up the same thing over and over again with him.

You see I know the answers, I know what I need to do, but I find it hard to tame my over active brain at times. When I say this to my OH he says that WE need to figure out these issues together. But it's a balancing act isn't it, yes talk through stuff together but find the solution and move on and close the issue - not bring it up every few weeks.

So I'm determined this time to figure it out because he's more than worth it. Positive thoughts all the way (and of course that w'end away Bonito )