How to confront a bf about cheating

LegacyUser

Boyfriend of 3 years whom I absolutely trust

I was recently contacted by a guy who claims that my bf cheated with his gf last year. He found out about it then but they stayed together. Broke up a month ago. He recently saw pictures of my bf and his ex on facebook and so tracked me down to tell me of the cheating. Says he has evidence of phonecalls/texts etc.

While I am giving my bf the benefit of the doubt, I will still need to confront him to sort out this situation. Any advice as to how? If it is a case he cheated, I want to catch him enough off guard for him to admit it. If he wasnt and this other chap is some nutter, I dont want to be offending him too much...but he does know I trust him and I'm as far from a jealous gf as you could get.

So yeah, advice as to how to approach the situation? I'm still kinda in shock at recieving such a message. Thanks

John Mason

just show him the message and see how he reacts

dudara

noodletsh wrote: »

While I am giving my bf the benefit of the doubt, I will still need to confront him to sort out this situation. Any advice as to how? If it is a case he cheated, I want to catch him enough off guard for him to admit it. If he wasnt and this other chap is some nutter, I dont want to be offending him too much...

These two statements from you are very much at odds with each other.

Do you think that your boyfriend has cheated? What does your intuition say or how do you think that your relationship is currently doing?

cafecolour

Could you ask the guy to record one of the voicemails on the computer and send it to you? You'd probably recognize it's your bf immediately.

Even if he thinks it's your boyfriend, he could be mistaken - or he could be fishing. He could have a name or two and be trying everyone on facebook with it to see if he scores.

pookie82

Can't really see why a stranger (if he is one?) would contact you with such news unless there was some truth behind it, or he has a grudge against your current OH.

Either way I'd ask him for harder evidence. And if you trust your OH and feel he'll have nothing to hide then show him the message and let him sort it out with you.

LegacyUser

The guy says he has his ex's phonebill which he's going to send me in a couple of days which shows a lot of texts and calls at strange times of day and night and a lot of them. The girl that my bf supposidly cheated with, they wouldnt really be in contact socially so it would be pretty odd for them to be texting and calling. I'm kinda holding out judgement until I see that coz a cheat would be the last thing I would put down for my bf. I'll be sick if this bill comes through with his number all over it

I'd say it's likely to be true. That's a far more likely scenario than some randomer playing a sick joke.

newtoboards

the fact that her bill shows your boyfriends number doesn't mean tfat he text her. it simply means she was in contact with him so it proves very little.

You should be asking for more than her phone bill to show evidence of cheating

dublingal80

Id just be upfront with your boyfriend... cos if it is all a scam and the other guy is just being a weirdo, you bf will think its weird that you kept something so big from him, which will make him think that you actually thought it was real

Just say to him you got this message from so and so the other day and be honest. hopefully you should be able to judge by his reaction whether or not he did.

best of luck

CDfm

OP - maybe your b/f knows her and your contact is a weirdo.Maybe not.

So you shouldnt hold back anything and you should just tell your boyfriend and wait for his response.

No game playing.

His relationship has broken up and he may be trying to blame someone else or could even be stalking his ex. I mean how will he get access to phone bills Or maybe the girl told him there is someone else just to get rid of him.

Taltos

Yup - get the details - be safe about how you get them.

Then just sit down with your bf and ask what his take on this is.
He might have cheated - or maybe he did not.

Could be that this ex is just a weirdo - looking to lash out.
I know someone who's relationship broke up recently and he told everyone - and I mean everyone that his ex was a) having a nervous breakdown & b) sleeping with her childhood best friend who was married & also a woman....

So I don't think I would put any stock into rumours just yet until you see some phonebills which might or might not be evidence - and until you talk to you BF.

Gawd - if a phonebill is evidence of an affair then we are all in trouble.

meditraitor

Trust your instincts, ask your boyfried first and be upfront about why your asking,

OS119

OP, this bloke sounds like a right nutter - his relationship breaks down so he gets his ex's phonebills and trawls through her facebook profile to find out why, then tracks you down through the person he thinks shagged his ex?

i'm sure he's very stable, not remotely likely to make shit up, and certainly unlikely to emotionally attach himself to you as a 'fellow victim' of this dastardly deed - there's no way he'll tell you he loves you when you meet him, follow you home and masterbate through your letterbox.

while, yes, its interesting that a fruitbat says that your BF's phone no is all over his ex's phone bill (and its something that you need to think about in the medium term), its far more important that you think about your personal security right now - i'd tell the people you live with, possibly your employer, and certainly tell your BF (his reaction might be interesting) that you think you've got a stalker and who it is/or at least what he looks like (getting a profile pic off facebook should be easy). change the routes/times you travel, change your mobile phone number, try and change the way you dress, drink/socialise in different pubs, and make your facebook profile as private as possible.

you can't really hide from this bloke forever, but you can make yourself less visable, less of a 'target' and more hassle than the next victim he chooses.

i might tell the other girl as well - just let her know that he's being a bit 'aggressive' in his greiving...

edwardevans

Please tell your boyfriend immediately!!
If you are trying to catch him out enough to admit it, you're destroying the trust already. Just say we need to talk - this happened, do you know what it's about?

aidan24326

edwardevans wrote: »

Please tell your boyfriend immediately!!
If you are trying to catch him out enough to admit it, you're destroying the trust already. Just say we need to talk - this happened, do you know what it's about?

+1 to that.

Don't play games. Right now it's 50-50 whether this is true or you're just dealing with a jealous bunny-boiler who's p1ssed off with his ex. Whether it's true or not, this guy sounds like a bit of a weirdo for contacting you in the first place, meddling in someone else's life that's none of his business, so I wouldn't trust anything he says until you have some clearer evidence (should it exist, and phone calls or txts alone don't prove anything, you need more than that)

tinkerbell

Please tell her boyfriend. Regardless of whether it is true or not, you boyfriend should know what others are saying about him - especially accusations like this. If it's true, then you'll probably know by his reaction and if not - then you know that the guy who contacted you is a bit of a trouble maker.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies folks.

Dont worry, I fully intend to say it to my bf, absolutely, I just wanted advice as to how. Like dont want to be accusey (for want of a better made-up word) but also want the truth. I still do love and trust and boyfriend and am just waiting for a very logic reason to this but there is always going to be that 0.5% doubt when presented with a situation like this

As regards the phonebill, if his number is all over it, it would be very unusual. I wont go into the in's and out's of it but it would be very unusual for my bf and this girl to be having a lot of social contact. They worked together but he wouldnt be socially in contact with her...other girls in his work, yes but not her.

OS119, thanks for your concern. I have talked this through with my parents so they are fully aware of the situation. The guy isnt acting as creepy as you portray, haha. He certainly isnt bombarding me with messages or hassling me in any way...and its pretty easy to track someone through facebook in fairness. His ex is friends with my bf, I'm on his page as "in a relationship". Not a huge amount of detective work there.

And the only reason I havent yet mentioned this to the bf is coz I havent seen him since I got the message. Combination of bad weather and other things, we havent seen each other which is incredibly frustrating. Obviously I want to ask him in person and not by phone or text so desperatly want to see him.

I guess I'll let ye know what happens...just wish time would move a bit quicker

bealfeirste5

Reading your dilemma with interest and just wondered if you got everything sorted out?

Peggypeg

Hey OP,
Come back and tell us how it went. I'm hoping it turned out the other guy is a nutjob and your boyfriend has put your mind at rest.