8 Year Itch

LegacyUser

Hi

Im not sure if Im looking for advice or opinions but both are welcome.

Im gonna keep this kinda vague as I dont want someone I know to cop who I am. (a lot of my friends use boards)

In a long term relationship 8 years. I was 18 and he was 21. It was really nice at the start, as with the start of any relationship. Really couply, going for dinners, picnics in the park, etc.

We moved in together after about 3 years or so and I think that where its all started going downhill for me. It was lovely for the first few months but now its like Im living with a housemate whose bed I sleep in. I cant name the day we last had sex.

Ive brought this up in the past, the fact that we arent as couply anymore, that we dont have sex that often, that we dont have as much fun as a couple.

The thing is we get on really really well. we dont fight or anything but we are just like best friends.

But I dont know where Im going in the relationship. I dont think I can see myself being married to this person.

Im scared because we have been together for so long. im 26 now if we broke up Im not sure what id do with myself, but the fact of the matter is i love him, but I dont feel like Im in love anymore. I dont get that buzzing feeling. Im ok if we didnt see each other for days on end or if we didnt talk all day.

Its kinda complicated as well cos we own so much stuff together. All our finances are linked,we have a car. If I moved out of the house I dont know where id go as Im not from where we live. Id have to move back to my home town as I dont think i could afford to live on my own.

Ive spoken to him about this but he just brushes it off saying we are ok. But I know we arent. I think he feels the same but doesnt want to live up to the reality of it.

Im just looking to see has anyone been in this situation before.

sorry for such a long post and if you read it all, thanks

dudara

I think that you've answered a lot of your own questions in your posts and that you appeared to be trapped by your inertia and fear of change.

It really does boil down to the old cliche - do you love him or are you in love with him?

LegacyUser

tough situation your in living with the guy. I was in a relationship for nearly 6 years and believe me i know what its like to fall out of love with someone and not have that "feeling" that to be honest lets face it we all want to feel.
I was lucky cos i didnt live with the person but practically did really cos we were living in each others places the majority of the time.
Your the same age as myself 26. i got out of that other relationship- believe me it took a while to get over it.. but i did and started having my own life again.. then met another guy.. went out with him for a year and we finished a few months ago.. this time it was alot harder as i didnt give myself time really to get to know who i am... My biggest piece of advice for you is.. if you do end it with this person.. you need to stop thinking " what will i do with myself?" because really we are born into the world alone essentially so ya have to shape your own life and find out who you are... maybe thats a piece of advice for myself also.

Im not going to go into the in's and out's with you of your situation but i will say to you... please dont waste your time settling for someone you are not happy with. these things happen everyday of the week and believe me when i say.. when you started in your relationship your were so young! there is so much more out there to experience - hope it works out for you

Guest91 wrote: »

Hi

Im not sure if Im looking for advice or opinions but both are welcome.

Im gonna keep this kinda vague as I dont want someone I know to cop who I am. (a lot of my friends use boards)

In a long term relationship 8 years. I was 18 and he was 21. It was really nice at the start, as with the start of any relationship. Really couply, going for dinners, picnics in the park, etc.

We moved in together after about 3 years or so and I think that where its all started going downhill for me. It was lovely for the first few months but now its like Im living with a housemate whose bed I sleep in. I cant name the day we last had sex.

Ive brought this up in the past, the fact that we arent as couply anymore, that we dont have sex that often, that we dont have as much fun as a couple.

The thing is we get on really really well. we dont fight or anything but we are just like best friends.

But I dont know where Im going in the relationship. I dont think I can see myself being married to this person.

Im scared because we have been together for so long. im 26 now if we broke up Im not sure what id do with myself, but the fact of the matter is i love him, but I dont feel like Im in love anymore. I dont get that buzzing feeling. Im ok if we didnt see each other for days on end or if we didnt talk all day.

Its kinda complicated as well cos we own so much stuff together. All our finances are linked,we have a car. If I moved out of the house I dont know where id go as Im not from where we live. Id have to move back to my home town as I dont think i could afford to live on my own.

Ive spoken to him about this but he just brushes it off saying we are ok. But I know we arent. I think he feels the same but doesnt want to live up to the reality of it.

Im just looking to see has anyone been in this situation before.

sorry for such a long post and if you read it all, thanks

LegacyUser

It's a scary thing to break up a long term relationship but I know so many people who have been in similar situations and once they did it and everything settled, they wondered why they hadn't done it sooner. It sounds like you have a friendship, not a relationship and I think your boyfriend probably feels the same if neither of you are inititating sex anymore.

The fact taht nobody has cheated, there hasnt been blazing rows etc, I think makes it more difficult to end things. You're afraid you're going to lose your companion, your best mate. But face it, you need more than a best friend to be a boyfriend, a husband etc!

I think you know the answer yourself, you just need to be brave enough to do it. But do make sure you are sure! And believe me, you have no idea the towere of strength your friends and family can be if a relationship ends, you will NOT be alone.

I hope it all works out

magneticimpulse

You have to think about how you feel and you say you dont see yourself married to him. However long term relationships do loose the spark i think?? I mean, if your married to someone for 30 or so years, its not going to have the same feeling as 1st few months or so. Is the grass really greener on the other side? If you met someone new, the exact thing could happen after 8 years too.

In contrast, your only 26 and still in your prime with the experience of a good healthy relationship. Its not such a huge deal to move in with a friend or back home. Im 29 and moving back home soon....sometimes it has to be done to further yourself til you find a solution. Its not the end of the world. I had a friend in same situation after 8 years and split up. She found a new boyfriend immediately (jealous of this), as ive nearly always been the single one and still single.Was delighted we might get some single girls out...but no she went straight into another long term relationship.

Basically its not scary being single or alone and it could do you alot of good. Dont stay in relationship for that fear or being scared!! You didnt buy house, get married or have kids, so its very easy to walk away and start fresh.

Moomoo1

OP - I wouldn't be so sure he feels the same. Some men just settle into a routine, in which they are happy with what they have, assume that their position in the relationship is rock solid, happy that things are (according to them) going well, and, well, if you don't need to make an effort to keep things going, then why bother?

My gut feeling would be that _he_ thinks that things are going brilliantly, and that this is a stage in one long journey together... so you should really attempt to get through to him that you are growing disillusioned...

EDIT - by the way, is he having to work particularily long hours, or in a draining job, or having other issues in life?

shellyboo

Op... You deserve better. You need to end it for your own good, because indifference soon turns to resentment which turns to hatred. How many more years are you going to give this relationship when it's not fulfilling your needs? You need to be brave and move on, for both your sakes.

LegacyUser

OP i was in exactly the same situation, i was 18, she was 19 when we got together. we were together for 8 years and the last 3 years of it were ****, it went to **** as soon as we moved in together.

she told me in an email during our breakup that "the bad times with us were never bad, they were just nothing". nothing times are not good enough, life is short and you only get one shot at it. we finished 6 months ago and since then i have met somebody that i adore and i am working to be with her long term. believe me when i say that life can be turned upside down if you give yourself a chance. be strong, and good luck

Nevyn

It's not an 8 year itch it is the 3 years of it not being the bed or roses you expect in your first seriously living together relationship.

It takes work there are challenges you were not expecting and don't' know how to handle.

The first year it is all new and exciting and you make a lot of mistakes trying to figure out how to live together.

The second year is your do over when you think things will get better but your expectations aren't too high,but you hope to get things more right the second time around.

By the third year you expect him to know better or to understand what your needs are and what needs to be done around the house and it's the 3rd time you have done birthdays, Christmas, anniversary living together and if it is not living up to the dream you expected your life to be and to a certain set of standards you may have set with out consulting the other person you get fed up and fall out of love with them and the idea of living with them.

All they mystic is gone from the relationship and you no longer have the looking forward to seeing them feeling you had for all the years you dated and lived apart.

IF when you put the key in the door and see him and 9 times out of 10 you don't feel moved any any way other then to be irritated then chances are the spark is gone and you may not be able to get it back.

You can just walk away or you can spend the time figuring out the why and how things got to that stage, even if it does nothing to help salvage that relationship it may mean you don't get to the same stage 5 years down the line with someone else and be blaming them when it takes two people who know what they want from their relationship and those ideas and wants and needs over lap enough so that they work towards them with each other.

Figure out why your not happy, talk to him see how he feels and how happy he is with his life, he could be grand pottering along not knowing you are trying to figure out if the relationship is on it's last legs.

Think it out, make a list if it helps and then talk it out with him.
Go away for a weekend with out him to think and see if you miss him.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I don't think you should give up yet. If you were married people would tell you to get marriage counselling. Would you be willing to try that?

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all the replies. They have been helpful to know that some people have been in similar situations.

Firstly I need to think am I doing the right thing and secondly I need to speak to my boyfriend. I dont know how he feels.

I dont really want to just walk away but I dont want to bring this all up with him to work it out and work on our relationship if 6 months down line Im still not happy.

He does have a hectic enough life style in the sense he works hard, has hobbies which he focuses a lot on. But these werent reasons I factored in when I began thinking about this.

It's just boiling down to me being scared.

Thanks again for the opinions. Much appreciated.

Taltos

Have the chat - but don't let him brush it away. I would even go so far as to start out with - "We have a problem - either we find a way to fix it or we are finished".

That is if a small bit of you wants to fix it.

It is ok that you just see him as a friend - well - it is not brilliant but it does happen. What alot of us forget about - esp after moving in is that the effort we put in when we first started dating needs to continue. It can change as your lives change - but each day you really need to focus on and work on that special person knowing they are special as much as you can.

I'm lucky - my OH had this chat with me around the 3 yr mark after we moved in - first chat I did pretty much as your BF - in my mind all was wonderful. It took her 2 more attempts and I hate saying it - a flood of tears before I could see what was really going on.

We are now together 16 yrs - and still as happy as ever - we do get the off day - but I hope I am still trying as hard as ever to make her happy. Might just be something small - telling her I love her each day, or surprising her with a cup of coffee or a bar of chocolate when she least expects it - or as much as I hate them - a text.

Maybe all you need is to shake off the complacency and recapture the spark. But if you know that spark is dead and he is just your best friend and no more then please have the strength to end it - hopefully you will both meet other with whom you will bring this lesson forwards into your new relationships and ensure that history does not repeat.

modest_marie

I was in a relationship for 7 years, engaged for 2 and lived together for 6 years. Lives totally entwined. Lived in different country, traveled, worked together and got on really well. Then I became very unhappy gradually over a few years, then he fell out of love with me due to being unhappy. we were just wrong for eachother, even though at the time we felt like we were so perfect for eachother.

It wasn't until we broke up that I could see he wasn't perfect for me!

We broke up for similar reasons you are explaining above and although it was tough at the time, I always was excited to see who else I could meet.

I am now very happy that we broke up :-)
I never thought I would be able to say that.

You should talk to him. My guess is that he may be feeling this too, and you should talk about it.

You only live once.

Good luck