Guilty feelings over sister

LegacyUser

Hello
I have a sister who is close in age to me. We used to get on great when we were younger but have drifted apart. We are almost total opposites. For example I am more easy going and she is more highly strung. She doesn't seem to make friends easily and spends a lot of time on her own. She always lives with people she does not know and is sick of it. I feel bad for her.

I feel bad too because when she asks me to do stuff with her or go somewhere I don't always want to and she ends up missing out or going alone. It really breaks my heart and I feel extreme guilt for letting her down.

But i feel worse because I feel like we shouldn't have to do everything together and it's not my responsibility to help her out all of the time. I know that sounds awful.

A few years ago she asked me to live with her and I said no. A few weeks ago she asked me again and I said no and this week she asked me again and I said no. I know she is desperate and hates living with people she does not know but I don't want to live with her.

It is made worse that she complains all the time to my parents and then I feel bad because I think I am letting them down as well.

I have heard people saying you can't live someone elses life for them but I feel like I'm letting eveyone down. I really don't know what to do. Sorry this is so long.

cafecolour

In 15 years of living in shared accommodation, the only time I didn't get on that well with a flatmate was when I lived with my sister - and we get on fine normally.

If she's highly strung and hard to live with it'll be exacerbated by living with you - she'll feel no need to filter and jump on you about everything.

That said, you must have some things in common you could enjoy. I'd say to her that you recognize you've grown farther apart and would like to rectify that, but living together is the worse possible way to do that.

Then try a little harder to do somethings with her that won't drive you crazy (or invite her along on stuff).

Denerick

Hi OP,

I think Huxley said that siblings were the cause of most madness in the world. I think he has a point.

Its natural that you care for your sister and don't want to see her isolated, because she lacks in social skills etc. and finds it hard to make friends. But I really think you should tow the line about living with her. Even if she did have a big group of friends and didn't rely on you socially, I wouldn't reccomend it. Really. I suppose you could make more of an effort to go with her to places, like the cinema, park, museum etc. (Whatever it is that she's into) but at some stage you have to draw a line.

starchild

i know you feel guilty but if you feel that living with her is the wrong thing for you both then you are right not to do it. Accept you are right and dont allow yourself to feel guilty about it.

Perhaps you can make more effort to spend regular time with her and get into a bit of a routine where you both spend time together not just on your own but with other people.

this may impact a bit on your life but you may find that it brings her out of herself a bit and lets her make friends with new people

tinkerbell

Well OP, if you don't want to live with her then nobody can force you. I know you feel responsible for her but at the end of the day she is a grown woman and has to fend for herself - she can't keep relying on you the whole time. What age is she actually?

I agree with the others though about going places with her - going to cinema, dinner, etc. Perhaps try and set a day aside each week (if you live close by) where you hang out and do fun things together. Then she won't be able to say you're not giving her any attention.