Not the smartest cookie in the jar

LegacyUser

Hi there,

Will cut straight to the chase here. My boyf is not the smartest guy on the planet. Didn't go to college, never reads books etc. This I can just about deal with though education is very important to me. However, what really bothers me is his poor use of the english language (very inarticulate sometimes with limited vocab) bad grammar and very poor spelling. Everytime I get a text full of spelling errors or he is reading something out, I feel like he is the equivalent of a 5 year old. I don't want to sound like a snob (I genuinely am not) but am quite educated and value good spelling, vocab, intelligent conversation etc. Everytime I feel I have dealt with this issue - it rears its ugly head again, usually after one of his texts. I have tried to gently broach this subject and he does not see it as a problem. Sometimes when he uses really poor english I sensitively correct him (he says he doesn't mind but I do and feel awful). Maybe I am a snob as I see my boyf as reflection on me and I am ashamed sometimes. In saying this he is a nice guy, works hard is loyal etc. I have always though a couple should be matched intellectually? What do others think? He wants to get married but this lack of compatability intellectually scares me especially if we were to have children. Any views?

Wurly

So what are you doing with him then?

If you loved him, then you would love him for his weaknesses as well as his strengths.

So?

ash23

I'd be like you OP. I can't bear text speak and poor grammar makes me cringe. Honestly, if I met someone who was like your boyfriend, I know in my heart and soul that those kinds of things would really bother me over time and I doubt I'd get involved.
I'm a total bookworm and one guy I dated just couldn't understand that reading was enjoyable for me, that I would actually prefer to read a good book than watch tv.

It's up to you. Is it a dealbreaker or not?
If you are feeling embarassed by it and it annoys you then I would think it's not going to be long before everything irks you about him.
He isn't going to change either and no amount of gentle coaxing or correction is going to correct a lifetime of bad grammar and lack of interest in books etc.

Beetlebum

I'm with Ash on this one and I can see how you may not be able to overlook this. I don't necessarily see it as a flaw on his part but it's definitley a basic incompatibility issue that will only get worse.

Text speak drives me crazy too as does bad grammer. I love reading too and I really dislike it when people in work start yapping to me when I'm trying to read or ask questions like 'Why are you reading that?.

I honestly don't think I could go out with someone who wasn't interested in literature or who didn't fully grasp teh beauty of the English language. Text speak is so childish and ridiculous. Nobody is in that much of a hurry that they can't type a full word.

Hmmm...maybe it's break up time OP. Weigh up the pros and cons and decide if he's worth it.

Good luck.

Barracudaincork

Have you asked him if he suffers from dyslexia?

Warfi

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Have you asked him if he suffers from dyslexia?

This could be an issue. Or maybe he just hated reading/spelling as a child, wasn't caught in time, which ended up with him not being able to perform simple literacy tasks while all the other children his age were forging ahead. There are many adults that can't read (whether it's dyslexia, or they weren't caught in time) and they know how to hide it very well as they've been hiding it their whole lives.
Ask him did he like school/reading etc? Broach the topic with him very sensitively because if he does have literacy problems, he might be embarrassed talking about it. If it is a case that he has literacy problems, see if he would go to an adult literacy class.

muboop1

I can see why his lack of intelligence in general would bother you, some people are attracted to intelligence etc...

But texts?? Can you be certain it's not him just using his own version of text speak?

I'm fully able to write etc... but when I am texting I revert to "hi, hws u, im gonna b l8 4 dinr. hope dats k?? tlk u l8r"

I also make some pronunciation mistakes and grammar mistakes in general life.
I pronounce things wrong all the time infact. I on the other hand am actually quite educated. In my final year of an Engineering degree.

We all do it sometimes...

Can I ask you, although he is not educated, bar his english skills, is he smart?
I know some genuis' who never went to college etc... very smart people! I don't mean traditional intelligence whereby he scores well in tests... just everyday smart.

I'd settle for everyday smart that can be applied over book smart that cannot be applied outside context of a test.

TitoPuente

Personally, I'm attracted to intelligence. I can't see myself going out with someone who wasn't reasonably intelligent. I do despise overt intellectuals - people who can't stop talking about their love of theatre, literature and world cinema and who feel the need to 'challenge' everyone around them all the time. That's just annoying, pretentious nonsense. However, being able to hold an intelligent conversation is very important to me.

How is the rest of your relationship? Can you be happy with this guy, knowing that he isn't very bright? If so, I don't see the problem. You'll just have to get over it. If you don't see the two of you as being compatible due to his shortcomings, then maybe you need to find yourself someone more suitable.

LegacyUser

I have a friend who failed pass maths, is a teacher and a world champion musician. Ill bet if you look you will find plenty of areas he outshines you....

Do you know how hard it is to find a good partner???

krudler

TitoPuente wrote: »

Personally, I'm attracted to intelligence. I can't see myself going out with someone who wasn't reasonably intelligent. I do despise overt intellectuals - people who can't stop talking about their love of theatre, literature and world cinema and who feel the need to 'challenge' everyone around them all the time. That's just annoying, pretentious nonsense. However, being able to hold an intelligent conversation is very important to me.

How is the rest of your relationship? Can you be happy with this guy, knowing that he isn't very bright? If so, I don't see the problem. You'll just have to get over it. If you don't see the two of you as being compatible due to his shortcomings, then maybe you need to find yourself someone more suitable.

I'd agree with this, i like intelligent people who dont rub it in your face but can engage in a talk about something some way intelligent, be it world news or whatever, its not being snobby OP, its a compatibility issue, although i do have to ask, surely this wasnt a suprise? how long did you know the guy before you started going out?surely you were talking or texting before this

starchild

Intelligence comes in many forms , i have a friend who is similar to your boyfriend in the texts he sends are littered with spelling errors. Yet he is one of the most sought after craftsmen in leinster. His carpentry skills are amazing.

Its possible that he was never given the chance to develop a love for reading or the chance to pursue a course or qualification. Maybe if he was given the chance you might find he takes to it exceptionally well.

I know intelligent business people who own operate succesful businesses yet they would definitely be considered poor academics if you were to judge them in terms of book reading or spelling.

I would say that perhaps the best way for you to get past this is to pursue a gentle path of encouragement.

I am sure there are areas in which he also excels and if you have a loving loyal hard working partner that is a lot of ticks in the positive column.

I appreciate its an issue for you but i think its one you can get past by approaching it the right way.

On the subject of kids do not worry, if he can instill examples of a willinginess to work hard, honest, loyalty and love to your child and you can weigh in with the same plus an academic mindset all will be fine

dudara

Spelling/grammar/use of language is just one facet of intelligence.

Is he intelligent in other areas of his life? Are you able to have interesting and lively debate/conversations with him?

I do believe that intellectual compatibility is important - but I accept that my form of intelligence isn't the only kind.

cafecolour

Well, I'd be careful about calling it 'intelligence' necessarily. He may not be as academic or literate, but may have excellent problem solving skills/mechanical inclinations. My sister has a PHD and is married to a man who didn't finish high school - he's very smart, but just not academically inclined. I'd bet on him to say run a successful small business than her, for instance.

Of course, there are plenty of people who aren't as bright or educated, true. You should try your best to discern if he's actually not that bright or just not that educated. If it's the later, see if he's open to adult literacy training or similar. If it's the former, well if you aren't compatible, you aren't compatible. Though this is going to be an increasing 'problem' - women are now outnumbering men in obtaining college degrees.

LegacyUser

I agree with previous posters that theres so many kinds of intelligence, and you're really only focusing on the academic/literacy side. My partner is similar to yours, he doesn't have his leaving, doesn't really read books, and isn't great with grammar and spelling.

But he's extremely good at dealing with, and understanding people and can read people like a book. He's also an extremely kind and loving person.

I'm sure there is probably lots of lovely things about him that you're over-looking because you're so concerned about his lack of "smarts". Just as I'm sure there is negative things he overlooks in you, such as "sensitively" correcting his grammar and spelling ( sorry, but no matter how laid back the person is, correcting their spellings and grammar will start to grate anyone's patience) in favour for your positive attributes.

So either accept him the way he is, try to change him (which isn't nice and never works out well) or leave.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

OP here. Thanks for your measured responses. Reading your views has been so helpful. Lots of stuff I hadn't thought about. Thanks again. Happy New Year to all

LivingDeadGirl

I'd be exactly like you OP, poor spelling and grammar drive me round the bend! I look for academic intelligence in a potential partner, I tried to deny it was important to me, and felt ashamed that I wasn't able to just overlook such things but I just can't pretend any longer! I also respect other kinds of intelligence though. I myself would be academically and musically intelligent, but useless at physical activites, sports etc, which are definitely another form of intelligence (with regard to your body and how to use it, practicality, co-ordination etc). I admire people who possess other kinds of intelligence, but if they want to date me they have to be somewhat academically inclined! It's just the way I am, there's no changing me.

magneticimpulse

so what did you decide? people can have strengths in other areas. Im not great with spelling or English but nearly have PhD in Chemistry. My teachers in school were not the best and I seemed to fall behind (later realised I needed glasses and had fallen behind in Primary school so much due to this). My ex didnt go to college but he trained in Air Traffic Control and found him very interesting. So it all depends on the person as a whole. I wouldnt nit pick one particular thing as they could be better then you at something else.

Basically whats important in a relationship is that the other person makes you grow as a better person and vice versa.

DubLass

You haven't spoken of love, it comes across as he's an embarrassment to you, do him a favour and let him be free to find someone who loves him for the person he is!

stripysocks85

If he wants to get married, you've obviously been together a good while, yet you're still annoyed about something minor?? I think it's pretty silly to be honest - you've been with him this long, it shouldn't be an issue anymore.

Plus you were obviously aware of his education/lack thereof from the beginning. Why get involved with someone that you feel superior to?

Fiend-Foe

Beetlebum wrote: »

I'm with Ash on this one and I can see how you may not be able to overlook this. I don't necessarily see it as a flaw on his part but it's definitley a basic incompatibility issue that will only get worse.

Text speak drives me crazy too as does bad grammer. I love reading too and I really dislike it when people in work start yapping to me when I'm trying to read or ask questions like 'Why are you reading that?.

I honestly don't think I could go out with someone who wasn't interested in literature or who didn't fully grasp teh beauty of the English language. Text speak is so childish and ridiculous. Nobody is in that much of a hurry that they can't type a full word.

Hmmm...maybe it's break up time OP. Weigh up the pros and cons and decide if he's worth it.

Good luck.

Grammar? :P

OP, you're going to have to give some serious thought to see if you can get beyond this because he is very unlikely to change.

You should try to come to this decision as quickly as possible because I really don't think it's fair to string him along when you don't see a future together.

ManOfMystery

OP - as already questioned, you really need to decide whether his perceived lack of 'intelligence' is purely down to his spelling errors and inability to express himself ................... or whether he just generally comes across as thick, for want of a better word. Does he have any interest in current affairs? Can he engage you regarding certain topics? Does he have skills in other areas which aren't something picked up in school?

If he does seem to possess intelligence in other forms, then I would say that you should see past these small failings on his part - when you love someone, you should love them unconditionally.

If he doesn't however, then I understand that this relationship is a little one-sided in that respect and that you need someone on a more equal footing with regards to intellect. In that case the best thing for both you and your boyfriend would be to find partners more compatible with each of you.

Just some food for thought though. My mother went to school, university, got her degree and then became a teacher. Very interested in current affairs, can hold a conversation about any topic, generally a very intelligent woman.

My father attended school intermittently from the age of 8 until 11, skipped out for a year or two, did another year, then left. No qualifications to his name. His parents had no interest in pushing him academically. He can read, of course - through years of teaching himself - but to this day he still has many problems with spelling and with understanding more complex words on paper. He has some interest in current affairs but wouldn't be a huge fan of general knowledge or prescribe himself to any one area.

On paper, they don't seem very well matched. However they've been married now 27 years and still get on brilliantly. And much to everyone's surprise, it turned out my father may not be the best speller or speaker in the world, but he has ambition in spades and can do calculations in his head quicker than most people. He started a business in 1982 and it's gone from strength to strength, despite his lack of schooling they now have a few different homes and a very comfortable lifestyle.

All I'm saying is - don't always judge everyone by their lack of academics. If your partner is loyal, if he makes you happy, if he has ambition and wants to go places, then give him a chance.

jellie

My ex was awful at spelling. when we first met half the time it took me awhile to figure out what he was on about in his texts (& even after 2 years together thered be times id be lost).

To be honest it never really mattered to me. i liked him, not his use or misuse of grammar. i noticed it, but it never annoyed me. he was always a bit of a messer in school, as a result didnt do very well, and while i read a lot he would never read anything other than on occasion a music or car magazine.

But just cause his grammar/spelling was rubbish didnt mean he wasnt intelligent. he didnt do well in his LC but did another course and got into college. he was actually really intelligent, but only made an effort with things that interested him. his spelling and grammar were causing him problems in college though, his lecturers had complained to him about it a few times.

I helped him where possible with things like job letters, cvs, encouraged him to read more (didnt happen), etc. but i didnt mind, i wanted to help him. and it never bothered me.

So basically Im wondering WHY it bothers you so much? You say youre intelligent etc., I am too, at least according to your standards - degree, masters, good job, etc. I can honestly say it didnt bother me. are you sure theres not more to it?

LegacyUser

My Dad is one of the most level people I know and he had to leave school at 14. He doesn't work in the field but you can put any machine under his nose and he can take it apart and refit it, same with cars, he has tiled (immaculately) my home, excellent at DIY and my oh who is a aeronautic engineer holds highly technical chats with my Dad and says he is one of the most clever men he has ever met and asks him questions about the operation of planes that no one outside the business has ever asked him.

On the flip side he has no real interest in reading or current affairs and his spelling is terrible..

You obviously want a pure academic and its not fair you are looking down on your bf... Let him free to meet someone who adores him.

Sue

Jo King

O/p this problem is going to worsen, not get better. people can be intelligent in different ways but people who read and have educational qualifications approach things in a particular way. As you inevitably become better read in the future, you are going to be leaving your oh further behind. What is now an annoyance may become a source of intense frustration.

LegacyUser

snowflake10 wrote: »

Hi there,

Will cut straight to the chase here. My boyf is not the smartest guy on the planet. Didn't go to college, never reads books etc. This I can just about deal with though education is very important to me. However, what really bothers me is his poor use of the english language (very inarticulate sometimes with limited vocab) bad grammar and very poor spelling. Everytime I get a text full of spelling errors or he is reading something out, I feel like he is the equivalent of a 5 year old. I don't want to sound like a snob (I genuinely am not) but am quite educated and value good spelling, vocab, intelligent conversation etc. Everytime I feel I have dealt with this issue - it rears its ugly head again, usually after one of his texts. I have tried to gently broach this subject and he does not see it as a problem. Sometimes when he uses really poor english I sensitively correct him (he says he doesn't mind but I do and feel awful). Maybe I am a snob as I see my boyf as reflection on me and I am ashamed sometimes. In saying this he is a nice guy, works hard is loyal etc. I have always though a couple should be matched intellectually? What do others think? He wants to get married but this lack of compatability intellectually scares me especially if we were to have children. Any views?

I cant beleive my eyes!!!. "My boyf is not the smartest guy on the planet. Didn't go to college, never reads books etc." I didnt go to college!, I wasnt the smartest cookie in the jar in school, I dropped out before my inter cert exam. I was "doomed to failure". Today at the ripe age of 42 I own my own company, employ 21 people and the company is booming and looking to expand. Because he doesnt meet your standards with texting thats a major problem?. Does he make you happy? My wife uses text speak and thats the way she is, do I love her differantly? NO.
Look at what makes you happy in the relationship, we all have our little faults and god I have mine so Ive been told.