I need outta this

LegacyUser

Basically, I am seeing a girl for the past few months.

I want to end it and attempted this last week but this was met by her getting very upset and begging me not to and that we could work it through...

I agreed... I couldnt stand to see her upset so I agreed.... problem is I need out. I dont want to be with her anymore and have to get out but dont know how without her doing what she did.

We discussed my problems etc and hers and agreed to work on them but I just dont want to.... I need out....

How do I do this without hurting this girl ?

LegacyUser

hi, if you want out you have to do what is best for you in the best way possible for both of you. Just be honest with her - you may already have been but stick to your guns.
You are both adults and so you are not responsible for her period. What did she say that was so scary that you felt you cannot break up with her?
And are the issues defo not resolvable?

pookie82

Simple answer - you're clearly not going to do it without hurting her. You will increase the potential for hurt, however, by dragging it out and misleading her into thinking she has a chance to put it all right.

Clean break is always best. Man up, tell her you're finished, and don't accept tears or pleas as bargaining tools. Just walk.

token56

You cant do it without hurting her. Whenever these type of break ups occur someone will always get hurt, I'm afraid it cant be a win win situation. OP you clearly want out, you have to accept it will hurt her, she will probably cry and maybe beg you not to go again, but if you are convinced you dont want the relationship then it is better in the long run to just break up I'm afraid.

1071823928

you just need to be firm with your decision op. im kinda like that myself, cry at the drop of a hat, slightest arguement etc... but there is no way you should stay in a relationship with some one you dont want to be with. its not fair on either of you. yes she says you can both get through it and she loves you but if you dont want to be with her then staying with her will only hurt her more than breaking up with her now. i know its hard but you cant give her what she wants anymore.

eleanoroosevelt

Wow this is tough. Having had my heart broken by a guy for "no reason" Can I speak on the girls behalf and say please, please be gentle.
I understand you're bored of her or whatever but if you have no other reason for breaking up other than you "want out" then for gods sake Invent a reason! Saying you just fell out of love with her will torture her for ages afterwards. She'll never understand why and could hate you.
Think of a really good reason and firmly tell her its nothing to do with her at all, - if you're young, tell her shes a wonderful girl and she'll make some guy so so happy but say you're just too young to be tied down and you feel you won't do her the justice of being a good boyfriend, that no girl could make you happy at the moment and you need to be by yourself.
Don't stay with her though, it sounds painful enough for the two of you already.
Be nice to her, its horrible having your heart ripped out.
Good luck.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Was in a similar situation once. She was obviously more into me and what's more she was well aware of it. Kept trying to split with things like "I don't think this is working out, we're not suited blah...." but she'd become upset, have salesperson lines to respond to mine and I basically felt like I would be a bastard if I left her.

Then one night something clicked in me and I realised I had NOTHING to feel guilty about for not wanting to be with her. The phrase "I'm never going to be in love with you" came to me. Its honest and can't really be argued with by any reasonable person. Furthermore its final, you're less likely to get her begging you to come back to her.

If you find you're going crumble just keep saying to yourself "this doesn't physically hurt, therefore it doesn't hurt, she'll soon be out of my life and I'll be relaxing not having to worry about this"

This person deserves no respect. Could you imagine doing this to a girl breaking up with you? Of course not you'd be ashamed of yourself.

Bottle_of_Smoke

eleanoroosevelt wrote: »

Wow this is tough. Having had my heart broken by a guy for "no reason" Can I speak on the girls behalf and say please, please be gentle.
I understand you're bored of her or whatever but if you have no other reason for breaking up other than you "want out" then for gods sake Invent a reason! Saying you just fell out of love with her will torture her for ages afterwards. She'll never understand why and could hate you.
Think of a really good reason and firmly tell her its nothing to do with her at all, - if you're young, tell her shes a wonderful girl and she'll make some guy so so happy but say you're just too young to be tied down and you feel you won't do her the justice of being a good boyfriend, that no girl could make you happy at the moment and you need to be by yourself.
Don't stay with her though, it sounds painful enough for the two of you already.
Be nice to her, its horrible having your heart ripped out.
Good luck.

You realise you're actually suggesting "it's not you it's me with bonus extra lies" here? Its still the same false hope. Imagine she actually convinced herself it was true and then he had a new girlfriend next month. Bet that would go down a treat. Would the nonsense you just posted have made you feel any better when you had your heart broken?

LegacyUser

Well I as a girl have been dumped and done the dumping and I`ve heard alot of girls behave this way with break ups, its emotional blackmail, its most probably a learn behaviour in childhood.
You are not responsible for her mental health but by stringing her along you will make her more neurotic and damaged. Please don`t say "i will never love you" girls have low self esteem at the best of times and she clearly has barely any. Tell her she is great just not the right girl for you and you don`t want to string her along and prevent her from meeting her Mr. right by wasting her time. Tell her in two months she won`t remember your name. Don`t do it with sympathy don`t touch her walk away. If you know her best friend maybe ask her to come over they always know the right things to say.
The other point about girls like this is they are quite likely to get pregnant soon after as a desperate solution - now that is not the situation you, nice guy that you seem, want to be in is it?

Hope this helps!

edwardevans

I kind of agree with this - but don't tell lies, just the good truths about her, she's obviously got a lot of good things if you fell for her in the first place and it lasted a good few months. But be firm - and don't back down. Kill all hope if you really don't want to get back, but leave her self esteem and self worth, just my opinion

eleanoroosevelt wrote: »

Wow this is tough. Having had my heart broken by a guy for "no reason" Can I speak on the girls behalf and say please, please be gentle.
I understand you're bored of her or whatever but if you have no other reason for breaking up other than you "want out" then for gods sake Invent a reason! Saying you just fell out of love with her will torture her for ages afterwards. She'll never understand why and could hate you.
Think of a really good reason and firmly tell her its nothing to do with her at all, - if you're young, tell her shes a wonderful girl and she'll make some guy so so happy but say you're just too young to be tied down and you feel you won't do her the justice of being a good boyfriend, that no girl could make you happy at the moment and you need to be by yourself.
Don't stay with her though, it sounds painful enough for the two of you already.
Be nice to her, its horrible having your heart ripped out.
Good luck.

Moomoo1

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

You realise you're actually suggesting "it's not you it's me with bonus extra lies" here? Its still the same false hope. Imagine she actually convinced herself it was true and then he had a new girlfriend next month. Bet that would go down a treat. Would the nonsense you just posted have made you feel any better when you had your heart broken?

+1

it's not good to lie about your feelings. A bitter pill hurts initially, but is the better medicine in the long term.

ash23

God don't make up stuff to make her feel better. She'll insist she is able to fix it. She'll plague you for weeks trying to convince you that she has changed etc etc.

Don't beat her down either. My ex basically reeled off a long list of things that were wrong with me when the truth was I just wasn't the other girl he was shagging :rolleyes:
It killed my self confidence and left me in a bad place for a long time.


Just tell her she is wonderful but she just isn't the right one for you and you know this without a shadow of a doubt. Tell her that you would both be living a lie and that she deserves someone who loves her the way she deserves to be loved and that you aren't that person.
Assure her that she will meet someone who will make her happier than you ever could, that she is a wonderful person yadda yadda.
Don;t get caught up in the nitty gritty details, the minor points.
A friend of mine was dumped and ended up telling her he hated the way her eye make up congealed in the corner of her eye Idiot.

Just keep reiterating that you are sure that you guys aren't meant to be. Don't back down.
And for the love of God, if she ends it with "lets stay friends" just tell her a clean break is best. For her own sake ignore her calls and texts. I know you might feel like you are being a b@stard but seriously, it really is better for her in the long run.

edwardevans

hahahahah, that's hilarious about the eye make up

ash23 wrote: »

God don't make up stuff to make her feel better. She'll insist she is able to fix it. She'll plague you for weeks trying to convince you that she has changed etc etc.

Don't beat her down either. My ex basically reeled off a long list of things that were wrong with me when the truth was I just wasn't the other girl he was shagging :rolleyes:
It killed my self confidence and left me in a bad place for a long time.


Just tell her she is wonderful but she just isn't the right one for you and you know this without a shadow of a doubt. Tell her that you would both be living a lie and that she deserves someone who loves her the way she deserves to be loved and that you aren't that person.
Assure her that she will meet someone who will make her happier than you ever could, that she is a wonderful person yadda yadda.
Don;t get caught up in the nitty gritty details, the minor points.
A friend of mine was dumped and ended up telling her he hated the way her eye make up congealed in the corner of her eye Idiot.

Just keep reiterating that you are sure that you guys aren't meant to be. Don't back down.
And for the love of God, if she ends it with "lets stay friends" just tell her a clean break is best. For her own sake ignore her calls and texts. I know you might feel like you are being a b@stard but seriously, it really is better for her in the long run.

Gyalist

This classic post by cuckoo should really be made a sticky.

Sanjuro

Bite the bullet and do it, dude. There's unfortunately no way you can get out of this situation without hurting her. I was in a similar situation over a year ago, and I considered putting it off for her sake, but in the end, I'd end up really resenting her, which wasn't fair, so I just did it. Sure, it was horrible, messy and a lot worse than I had actually anticipated, but in retrospect, it was very important I did it for my own sanity. Do it now or you'll end up hating her, which, I imagine is not something you want. Best of luck with it.

shellyboo

For the love of Jesus, don't be making crap up how wonderful she is, etc. She's already proved to be a manipulative wench (who begs someone not to break up with them?! Pretty pathetic) so telling her it's her and not you will just make her more desperate.

All this crap about reasons makes me laugh - since when did you need a valid reason to break up with someone? A relationship is not a contract, you *can* just walk away without pleading your case or offering reasons for approval. Not wanting to ge with someone anymore is the only reason you need.

OP, just be firm with her. In fact, be a bit of an arsehole. It'll make it easier on her in the long run.

shellyboo

shellyboo wrote: »

For the love of Jesus, don't be making crap up how wonderful she is, etc. She's already proved to be a manipulative wench (who begs someone not to break up with them?! Pretty pathetic) so telling her it's her and not you will just make her more desperate.

That's a bit harsh. I know lots of people who've done that - attractive, intelligent, lovely people who'd have no problem finding someone else. In most cases, they thought they'd found the guy they'd marry, pictured a future with him and it all came crashing down. They were convinced he was just making a rash decision and that he didn't really feel that way. It's easy to look in from the outside and say it's pathetic, but being dumped can be totally lifechanging.

All this crap about reasons makes me laugh - since when did you need a valid reason to break up with someone? A relationship is not a contract, you *can* just walk away without pleading your case or offering reasons for approval. Not wanting to ge with someone anymore is the only reason you need.

OP, just be firm with her. In fact, be a bit of an arsehole. It'll make it easier on her in the long run.

That's technically correct, but again, we're dealing with feelings, not a business deal. It's natural for the dumpee to ask what they did wrong or why they're being dumped. In some cases, knowing why could even help them in the future (for example if they got dumped for being too jealous or clingy). If there is no real reason, "I'm just not in love with you" or "I don't want to be with anyone right now" is fine (if true) but it's cold to just walk away without any kind of reason, IMO.

ash23

shellyboo wrote: »

For the love of Jesus, don't be making crap up how wonderful she is, etc. She's already proved to be a manipulative wench (who begs someone not to break up with them?! Pretty pathetic) so telling her it's her and not you will just make her more desperate.

All this crap about reasons makes me laugh - since when did you need a valid reason to break up with someone? A relationship is not a contract, you *can* just walk away without pleading your case or offering reasons for approval. Not wanting to ge with someone anymore is the only reason you need.

OP, just be firm with her. In fact, be a bit of an arsehole. It'll make it easier on her in the long run.

I'm nice and normal and sane. i wouldn't consider myself to be a manipulative wench, nor would I be pathetic usually. But I can tell you when my life came crashing in around me I begged and pleaded and cried and got angry and begged some more. Not proud of it but that was my reaction.

Not my usual style but all sense goes out the window when your life is turned arse about face and you lose control over your own future.

Sephiroth_dude

You need to be strong and just do it,as harsh as that sounds and no matter how much she begs dont get back with her.best of luck.

miec

You cant do it without hurting her. Whenever these type of break ups occur someone will always get hurt, I'm afraid it cant be a win win situation. OP you clearly want out, you have to accept it will hurt her, she will probably cry and maybe beg you not to go again, but if you are convinced you dont want the relationship then it is better in the long run to just break up I'm afraid.

+ 1 and if you do end it make sure you end all contact, no e-mails, texts, phonecalls etc, you are not responsible for her happiness, she has to find that herself.

For the love of Jesus, don't be making crap up how wonderful she is, etc. She's already proved to be a manipulative wench (who begs someone not to break up with them?! Pretty pathetic) so telling her it's her and not you will just make her more desperate.

Shellyboo whilst I agree it is a bad idea to feed a person lies or reasons for a break up, I don't think anyone who is being dumped and begs the person not to go is being pathetic and they don't mean to be manipulative. I know I have begged in the past and it was because I liked the person and losing them was painful or the rejection was painful, I don't know many people who can hold their sh*t together when they are being dumped. A firm and fair way of ending it is the only way but it can be done with tact and care.

Op one guy that ended it with me said he enjoyed our time together but he wanted to end it as he didn't want to continue on in the relationship, I was gutted but I respected his decision, he was firm and fair, yes I cried but I thanked him for his honesty and nearly twenty years on I think fair play to him for being straight and I can remember the time I had with him with fondness. Be honest with her and you, just do it and good luck with it.

D-Generate

Use a PowerPoint presentation to get the point across with plenty of pie charts....

I have been in the same situation as you before OP and they were doing all that emotional blackmail stuff. What I did was write down all the points I wanted to say before I met her on a piece of paper and basically know what the beginning, middle and end of the conversation would be. Then the moment I saw her I went through the talk but since I knew where I wanted it to be going it was much easier and I wasn't getting side-tracked by the tears.

louicious09

I need out wrote: »

Basically, I am seeing a girl for the past few months.

I want to end it and attempted this last week but this was met by her getting very upset and begging me not to and that we could work it through...

I agreed... I couldnt stand to see her upset so I agreed.... problem is I need out. I dont want to be with her anymore and have to get out but dont know how without her doing what she did.

We discussed my problems etc and hers and agreed to work on them but I just dont want to.... I need out....

How do I do this without hurting this girl ?

Simple answer you can't but if you care about the girl I would just do it. When an ending comes to something we cherish it is a human response to get upset but in time we get over it. Just do it and give her space she will with time realise its for the better and I'm sure meet someone more suitable.

LegacyUser

I appreciate the responses on this and it's pretty clear I need to go in there and be firm on this. This is what I will do. I wont lead her down the garden path and give false hope but I wont crush her either.

Just for the record though, there was a comment made about being bored.... I can assure you I dont do disposable partners.... There are reasons for this and they are valid reasons that cant be worked out... If I was so flippant then I wouldnt have melted once the tears started to flow.

Thank you everybody again... /