Abused and on a path of self-destruction!

LegacyUser

I'm just looking for a bit of advice here if anyone can help!

I am a second year student in college a considerable distance away from home. Since the age of four I was abused by my father both physically and verbally. This has had a horrific effect on my current life. I still deal with the abuse every weekend when I go home, for some reason I can't seem to detatch myself! I know that I have other comittment at home but I am no longer sure if thats what's keeping me home or is it just the normality of 'events' at the weekend.

I have sought various help within college for this, but I am no finding myself turning more and more to self-destruction. Recently, I have started to self-harm, drink beyond the point of recognition...have days where I cannot leave the house/get up out of bed to go to college.

I've been on various types of anti-depressants since March of last year and also being seeing a councellor as well as my GP. I don't feel as if I've made any progress, if anything I feel as if I've gone 10 steps backwards!

The main problem surrounding the abuse at home, is that my father is an alcoholic. In recent times he has caught me around the neck and pinned me to a wall and saying that worse has happened!

I was just basically wondering if anybody knew any way that I can detatch myself from all this. I cannot deal with this any longer!

Taltos

Go back to your GP - meds can take some work sometimes to get right. You might need your current meds to be reviewed.

In terms of continually going back to this - why are you still going home?
Can you not come up with some reason you need to stay away - you know - part time job, studying, volunteering - a life outside of the abuse he gives you?

Maybe also consider contacting alanon - they are well suited to help the families of alcoholics.

Continue with the counselling - but if it is not working for you then maybe ask for a referral or a second opinion - you may just be unlucky in who you are dealing with.

But do what you can to avoid going home if at all possible. This punishment is just putting back any work the tablet and the counselling is doing for you. You cannot cure your dad of his alcoholism - but you can remove yourself from that dangerous situation.

Are there no family members who can help - mom, uncles, aunts / brothers or sisters. Or even his GP? However I digress - only he can help himself - you need to focus on you and getting yourself away from this lunatic.

LegacyUser

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I have been back to my GP on numerous occasions and all thats been done is that my meds have been changed once and increased the other time. I feel as if I have given them sufficent time for them to work (three months) I have seen my GP since then say a month ago and he said for me to give them another couple weeks...And here I am!

Being honest, I left home on sunday to get away for a few days and I was supposed to go back home today. But due to the poor weather conditions I have been unable to go. I have also now decided for the first time in two years that I won't be returning home at all this weekend. I need some head-space and peace so I can get through my college exams next week.

I don't actually know deep down what has me going home every weekend...I wish I did! I think in my head that this is now a normal situation for me. It's odd how can this be normal like??? I am not working at present due to the current economic situation. I am trying to throw myself as much as possible into my college work but it is seriously suffering.

I am awaiting an appointment now with a new councellor, but there could be a wait...I am going to give it another go though! Also, I did go to an alanon meeting there a while back and being honest I wouldn't go again!

Things are pretty much hidden at home, I don't have anybody to lean on! I only wish I had! We were always taught while growing up, what happens behind closed doors, stays behind closed doors! Great saying I know!

My father simply won't accept that he has a problem and has had it for the past 17 years or so. He won't go see his GP, no matter how many times he's confronted. Confronting him only makes his aggression worse!

Is there anything further I can do?

Should I go back to my GP again....??

I'm really afraid of the effect that this is having on college!

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

I went though the same abuse like you but with my mother, she was very brutal in the home and we were beaten all the time and verbally attacked constantly, She was not a drinker but was out of control and would go into fits of rage, it was terrifying as a kid when she would smash the place up and punch our heads in,

the school used to think it was my step dad because my mother looked so sweet and innocent, it took me a long time to realize my truth but it has now set me free since i have.

I was suffering in college too and i had worked my ass off to get there even after failing my junior and leaving it was my way out and i knew that if i stayed around my mother that she would continue to sabotage my life so i chose myself over her and tried very hard to keep away.

It is hard to stay away because it is like a magnet you are dragged back to, for some reason i felt safe being around the abuse because it is all i knew and it was home in a mad way, changing that dynamic is still hard at times especially at christmas but i try and give my mother the bare minimum i have too because she crosses my boundaries so much, she is also in denial about how bad she was and the rest of my family only thought she gave us the odd clip around the ear but it was much deeper than that and effected me and my sisters sooo much. Basically when i was 21 i had a nervous breakdown i just couldn't take the bullying anymore, I went to a therapist and slowly built myself back up, i really liked the therapy and i went to group therapy too with all girls my age and that really helped as well, that was in clontarf Laragh it was called i think its still going if you want to google it.

Anyway it was a long road back to learn to give myself the love and respect i never had, I am now 31 years old and my life is sooo much better, I did manage to get my degree, and it gave me so much confidence, I suppose i became my own hero and in that i am now a very strong wise person, when you go through hardships like this they can teach you a lot about life, I feel the main thing you have to do is get a support system, in the form of a trained therapist in physcial abuse if pos, and if you have a boyfriend or friend that you can talk to, unfortunately it can be very hard to find that support but if you can do it with the therapist and the group therapy then it could be very beneficial. I was afraid to take the anti depressants because i wanted to see if the therapy would work for me first and i really found that when i got all my pain out it was sooo good for me, the therapist really helped me get the clarity that i needed, you have to get clarity and own your trth and put the reaponsibility where it belongs so that you stop blaming and hating on yourself, I also was a self harmer i think you internalize so much pain that you just beat yourself up then and it is so unfair after all the crap you have already been through.

The best book ever about this is a book i really liked called "Toxic Parents" by Susan Foreward, she goes through peoples examples of abuse they have experienced from their parents, from the master manipulators to the physical abusers to the alcoholics, it gives you great insight into it all. At the back of the book is how to confront them and how to best handle that, I wrote a letter to my mum and it was a great release for me to say my truth in as much of an adult way as i could.

Another thing i found great was that there was free reiki and massage in college, the reiki was brilliant for me, he unmeshed me from my family -clearing all the negative energy from me it was great, Bit by bit i healed and now at 31 i can tell you i have no depression or anxiety anymore, but i had to be really selfish to do it and really do what i had to do, and give myself permission to do it! even when that meant at times to stay away from my family and to not speak with them, the environment was so toxic though- it is really obvious to me now but it wasnt then.

Sorry for the long reply, I was taking a lot about my experience there and i know that everyone is different, but i think it is really great that you are now starting to put yourself first and not go back to your dad, definitely take the head space and try not to be too afraid of the feelings that might come up, the pain is there and it will come through but have as much compassion for yourself as you can.

Sending the Angels to watch over you XXXX

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I’ve never posted on the boards before, but your post struck a chord with me. In my opinion you’re doing all the right things – you’re keeping in regular contact with the GP and you’re pursuing the counselling route (I know this can take some time at college but keep persisting). Keep going with this and maybe, if necessary, also talk to an academic tutor that you trust about how your work is progressing and any extra assistance or advice that they can give you.

I’ve suffered very similar abuse at the hands of both parents for as long as I can remember. I’m out of college a few years and working now which does give me a sense of independence that I didn’t really experience during the college years. However, going home on weekends, college breaks etc always resulted in the same thing. I always hoped that things would be different, that they would have realised how badly they treated me but it was always the same. During this time, I was maturing, my outlook was changing and it was so stifling to be treated in the same way as I had always been. This in itself caused me a lot of anxiety as well as the continuing abuse itself. The old cliché, ‘you can only change yourself’ was very clear to me during this time.

Recently I’ve decided to stop having contact with my parents. This is something that has worked very well for me and has allowed me to concentrate on important areas of my life. I’m not necessarily advocating this as an approach for you but I think maybe going home less frequently as you’re proposing might be a good idea. Make sure those weekends that you stay at college are fun and that you don’t spend time dwelling on what it might have been like if you had gone home.

I know how alienated you can feel while all this is going on. I know all about the ‘what happens at home, stays at home’ mantras. Truth be told, it’s quite likely that some members of your extended family or maybe neighbours know what has happened. Your father’s rage may also be exacerbated by the fact that you are now an adult and he is beginning to realise that his power and control over you will begin to diminish as you establish yourself as your own person in the world.

I never sought any help in college as I couldn’t even articulate my problems let alone think that anyone might consider them important to talk about. Keep the communication lines open with the various professionals that you are in touch with. Put yourself and your studies first. You care about yourself and you deserve to do very well in all areas of your life.

I wish you happiness and peace of mind.

Soul Cake Duck

Hiye... I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. I'm studying too (well supposedly!!) and am easily distracted with trivial thoughts in comparison to your worries!! So really I feel for you having this on your mind.

My only piece of advice is to break the cycle of returning home. If you want it to change the only way it can is to take yourself out of the situation and danger. By the sounds of it your father is suffering alcoholism for a very long time now and you have habituated to his abuse. You should not have to deal with this, father or not (do not feel guilty), stay in your rented (?) place for the weekends and work on healing yourself first and foremost (it is not on your shoulders to ‘fix’ your father).

Also you have to realise that self –harm and drinking to excess and any other behaviors could be retaliations to the internal hurt/turmoil that you feel and are possibly suppressing. Do not keep going to the same professional who you find sh@*te just because they have a title on their door. In my opinion talking to a professional would be a good start but you need to find one that you respond/connect.


As for exams they are not the end of the world and can be repeated later anyway. Don’t pile the stress on yourself, only deal with what you can at the moment. If your situation at home is too much right now get the help you need now. Worry about the exams when you are capable and able to put your best effort into them that would be more worth it in the end.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Keep an eye on your own drinking. You're going to be prone to alcoholism yourself with that background.

Don't know if this is medical advice but GPs are well known for throwing anti-depressents out like they're smarties. Also, it doesn't really sound like you have any chemical/biological reason to be depressed, you just have a very abusive father. Therefore I'd discuss ongoing use of them with your GP and maybe another GP/psychologist. Coincidently a quite fitting article on bbc now http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8436111.stm

I think the counselling is great idea , prob will help long term.

I doubt your dad will change, sounds like a lost cause to me. Concentrate on yourself. Go home less often would be my advice.

Taltos

Op - there is some wonderful advice above and you have hit on a few things yourself.

1. Stop going home / break contact - you will never change your Dad - but he will continue to cause you to have set backs.
2. Discuss again with your GP - as per last poster though - some real good points there about why the pills may (may) not be working.
3. Counselling - continue with this and keep pushing for a different one - also the poster above talking about a specialized counsellor is spot on. Look at it this way - if you had a Jaguar, you'd hardly take it to Massey Ferg for a service.
4. Work on You - only you have the real power here. Only you can change you or allow others to have an effect on you.
5. Be careful of alcohol and other substances - just like last Op said. My mom is an alcoholic (recovering) but I can see the addictive tendancies in me and some of my bros/sis - so just be aware and make the best decisions for you. However just because it might be genetic / or caused by your environment does not release only you from having responsibility for your own actions.
6. Course tutor - go speak to them and see if you can get help - or even if they can see if there is some work you can help with to keep you busy at the weekends... With the economy so bad there are loads of different societies you could try to get involved in that can keep your mind off things.

Sorry alanon did not work out for you - I have heard so many good things about them. I stupidly did not use them at the time and as a result I do carry alot of baggage around still even quite a few years on. Just focus on making yourself happy. I have seen a few posts here recommending folk to give alanon a few attempts - even if you can get someone to go with you.

In terms of why you go home - you are right - you have been desensitized by this constant and unrelenting abuse. It does in a way seem normal - and the risk is you could end up being attracted to a fellow who may treat you the same way. This is why it is so so important to continue to work on this for yourself and get the help you need and deserve.

Just keep pushing and never accept no for an answer - it can and it does get better - just sometimes it is a hard slog. But like the others here who have gone thru similar things - once you have your qualifications you can choose to live wherever you want - the ultimate escape
I know my mum's issues also drove me to get qualified and move out asap. Unfortunately I lived close to college and didn't have the guts to try to change to a college where I would have to get a dorm / bedsit.

bSlick

I think you should be going to the gardai. If he has been physically assaulting you for years he is a criminal and should be doing some time for it. He has zero right to lay a hand on you.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies, I know it's not easy to give your own personal response to a situation such as this!

You all made some very vaild point there regarding meds (which I am going to confer with my doctor on), the specialised councellor, which I do feel could make a difference. I have gone for weekly/fortnightly sessions with a councellor now since March of last year, she has gave me some good solid advice, thing is I find it hard to absorb and put into practice!

I think escaping the current situation would benefit me in the long run, but I can't hide it forever at the same time. It has to come out in the open, he has to start to sort his own life out without me.

In relation to other family, they have all been abused as well in some form or other. Not one of us yet has had the courage to stand up to him. I even remember going home on Thursday/Friday nights seeing my mother's bruised arms and neck. She has been attending physiotherapy for donkey's years but never the question has been asked how did this happen?? She herself is in complete and utter denial about the whole thing...It's just another normal day of the week!! How can it be???

I know myself that I do abuse substances alcohol and pain killeers been the main two and then self harm. I only do this to try and feel better. Stupid I know! I want to completely erase the memory of weekend events. One New Year's night I was taken in by the Garda for drunken and disorderly behaviour, however one of my friend got me off charges..That is out of character even for me!

I am now 21 years of age, and I still cannot hold down a proper relationship because I fear that they will turn out just like him. Daft I know.

My father simply will not seek help and when confrontedbn he only gets more agro, so we best try and avoid that otherwise it will turn into a complete domestic...

College now is the problem, I have four exams now starting next week...Last year I had repeat and I promised myself that I wouldn't put myself through that again because it was brutal!

Please highlight where I am making excuses for myself because I know deep down I am somewhere along the line! Thank you all for your replies, if you have any other suggestions or points to make please do so, I really do appreciate it!

Taltos

corless120 wrote: »

thing is I find it hard to absorb and put into practice!

No one really likes taking the advice or another - or even believing that they really know what we are going thru.

corless120 wrote: »

I think escaping the current situation would benefit me in the long run

It will - been there done that.

corless120 wrote: »

but I can't hide it forever at the same time. It has to come out in the open, he has to start to sort his own life out without me.

Stop this line of thinking.
1 - it does not have to come out into the open.
2 - he does not have to start to sort his own life - you might like him to but he does not.

corless120 wrote: »

In relation to other family, they have all been abused as well in some form or other. Not one of us yet has had the courage to stand up to him.

Consider an intervention.
You all go in with 1 message.
"Dad we love you. but we don't accept and will never accept your behaviour. We will not be coming back but our door is always open. Good bye..."

corless120 wrote: »

I even remember going home on Thursday/Friday nights seeing my mother's bruised arms and neck. She has been attending physiotherapy for donkey's years but never the question has been asked how did this happen?? She herself is in complete and utter denial about the whole thing...It's just another normal day of the week!! How can it be???

She should be encouraged to leave him / report him. But only she can do this and she might never be strong enough to.

corless120 wrote: »

I know myself that I do abuse substances alcohol and pain killeers been the main two and then self harm. I only do this to try and feel better. Stupid I know! I want to completely erase the memory of weekend events. One New Year's night I was taken in by the Garda for drunken and disorderly behaviour, however one of my friend got me off charges..That is out of character even for me!

Glad you can see the risks here - stop it now before it is too late and you really do something you regret but can never take back...

corless120 wrote: »

I am now 21 years of age, and I still cannot hold down a proper relationship because I fear that they will turn out just like him. Daft I know.

Not daft - quite a risk - you see this toxic relationship as being normal. Sort out your head first, focus on being happy and let that guide you. If a guy says or does something that makes you uncomfortable / unhappy well there is your guideline to think about why you are with him.

corless120 wrote: »

My father simply will not seek help and when confrontedbn he only gets more agro, so we best try and avoid that otherwise it will turn into a complete domestic...

Not your job to confront. Actually confrontation is probably the worst thing you can do... Deliver your goodbye as a family unit and leave him. It might prompt him to change. In our case we all went to our mum and told her we had spoken to her GP and were getting her sectioned for her own good...

corless120 wrote: »

College now is the problem, I have four exams now starting next week...Last year I had repeat and I promised myself that I wouldn't put myself through that again because it was brutal!

College is an issue - it is not the problem.
The problem here right now is your current skill set - you don't yet know how to deal with what has happened/happening - hence the counselling...
But do go talk to your tutor - let them know what is going on and ask for their help. Even go to them with someone you trust - cause once you are sitting down across the desk from them you might need a dig to get talking...
Look - I ended up repeating exams nearly every year of college. Left with a lower graded degree than I hoped. It is possible to get through this - but only you can do it.
You can get loads of help - seek it out and demand the help you deserve.

But stop going back there - until you have learned to use the skills the counsellors are giving you - you are just adding to the damage you already have.

Please take care of yourself and get the help you need.

LegacyUser

corless120 wrote: »

Please highlight where I am making excuses for myself because I know deep down I am somewhere along the line! Thank you all for your replies, if you have any other suggestions or points to make please do so, I really do appreciate it!

Hi, I dont think you are making excuses OP, you seem to be trying to address an incredibly difficult situation one that has gone on all your life, asking that question is almost asking for others to criticize you and i dont think you are doing anything wrong, how could you? you have developed coping mechanisms to deal with it and the trauma you have suffered prob has you still in shock, it did for me anyway cause your numb its the only way to cope,

it takes a while to detach from such a toxic environment, your doing your best right now, the fact that you are even in college is an achievement in itself, the human body just cannot process so much trauma and you are in a place where a bully is controlling all your families life, your mother is being abused badly and your siblings are probably suffering too, how does someone come to terms with that and not feel responsible for it, anyone would feel exactly as you in your shoes,

You seem to be worried about yourself now and want to do something to help yourself, your also only 21 years old, so go at your own pace and feel whats right for you,


How long left do you have in college? After college do you see yourself living away from home, or will you have to go back home at some stage? Do you have suppoetive friends or so you not speak of your realities happening at home to anyone?

XXX

LegacyUser

Sorry I'm only getting to reply now, it's been a pretty busy week! And being in bed with the flu dosen't help!

Anyways, I havn't gone home and the chances are now for the next two/three weeks I won't be going back home
That in itself feels a bit of relief! It was only really last night that I got thinking deeply about what has been going on, I don't deserve that and neither does anyone else...
Life is tough enough to get through every day without having to come home and face a beating by an alcoholic brut!

The rest of my family all choose to ignore the whole situation, so the only front would be that of my own! They don't acknoledge it, and just carry on life as normal but I can't, I refuse too!
Mum won't leave him no matter how many times I've brought up the topic, she says 'its normal!!'

I decided to back to my doctor there this morn, and he was pretty good. He made further suggestion as to things should do! As for the meds, he said that it would be a better otion to review them in two weeks after my college exams as new tabs could effect my concentration ect...So I was happy enough with that! I am now going out for two/three walks per day, helps clear my head!

Thanks again!

Taltos

Thanks for the update - have to admit was concerned for you there.

Also really glad you are going to take at least 2 or 3 wks away from going down home. I am sure that you will see a difference in how you see things in that time. Being away from a bully like that is only good for you.

I don't think you will be able to convince your mum to leave - she is probably totally brainwashed by this guy. All you can do is let her know you are there for her whenever she needs you - but (my thoughts) you will never accept that kind of behaviour towards you again...

If that means he cuts you off - fine - tell them you are cutting him off...

The walks are an excellent idea - do maybe try to talk to a tutor in college.
And just take some time for yourself to find something to smile about each day.