How can I help her with her problems? Big dilemna

badabinbadaboom

Hi I am a male 21yo, dont know why thats important but I thought I'd include it.
I am really great friends with this girl in college.
I really care for her and it breaks my heart to know that she is unhappy:(
She is totally depressed as nobody pays very much attention to her, she is always ignored when she is in a group of people. It happens so many times and its annoying me too now cos I know how much it hurts her:mad:
I know she is deppressed aswell because both her grandmothers died and her aunt drowned herself. I think those deaths actually affected her quite badly.
Alot of her friends from her hometown kinda abandoned her too for some reason and when she does get together with her friends from home they ignore her too.

I know that kind of emotional pain as I have gone through it too in my life and I am only starting to see a way forward now.
But my problems where different and I cant see a solution too her's.

I think I made it worse by asking her if she wanted to be more than friends:(
She said she wants to get her head sorted first and just want to be friends for now plus shes never been asked out before.

I dont want to help her just so we can be together, I am quite ready for her to say she just wants to be friends. Its just that there is nothing I can do for her, I hate knowing she is unhappy.

I dont want to suggest a therapist as she may find it insulting, but honestly I think she needs more than just someone to listen, which unfortunately is all I can do for her:(

But I am worried that by offering or suggesting to much help she may get the impression that I just want her fixed up so we can be together.

This is breaking my heart and I could really use some outside advice or opinions.
I also feel like a wanker for asking her out and putting more weight on her shoulders:(

Thanks

Beta Ray Bill

Hi OP

In relation to asking her out and feeling like you've put pressure on her. the best thing you can do is get some damage control on the situation. Nothing can change the fact that you asked her out and that will stick for a while. (I know, I've been down that road)

All you can do is talk to her. Just be kind, friendly and understanding.

Just to Clarify. did you ask her out because you genuinely like her or because you feel sorry for her?

Asking someone out because you pity them is really the last thing they would need to be honest.
But if you genuinely have feelings for this girl well then perhaps it's best to just be friends with her for the moment. (I know even this could be tough considering what's been said)

But being able to talk to someone when you're down is very important. You said yourself this girl doesn't seem to have a person like this. Maybe she will come to you?
If she doesn't want to talk to you well then there is little you can do about it.
So don't be beating yourself up over it.

As I said... "Damage Control" you need to move forward from this point rather than dwelling on what has already happened.

Regards
G

badabinbadaboom

Hi thanks for the reply:)
Well she still talks to me and everything. I tried to explain that if she wanted to say no then it was fine.
I deinitely didnt ask her just cos I was feeling sorry for her though, I often considered it before I knew this stuff about her.
She said she just wants to be friends for now and nothing seems awkward either.
I just dont really know what to do now
Thanks

badabinbadaboom

Awww **** I just realised I never told her I wasnt asking her out just cos I felt sorry for her!

gwjones42

I'm thinking that if you've been nothing but caring for her and she still says she wants to get her head sorted before she goes out with you, the reason could be that she feels there's something wrong with her that will cause her relationship with you to fail........just like all her other less-romantic ones with "friends" have.

So if I were you, I would be thinking...."How can she get some friends, be treated right by them and eventually realise she's a worthwhile person?".....after which she'll be confident enough in herself to let go of the fear and fall into my waiting arms:rolleyes:!!

Upon re-reading that, I reckon I sound like a conniving schemer, but it's all meant with good intentions:D.

The way I'd go about solving the problems would be to find her some real friends before expecting her to "find" me. Do you know any girls who you think she would get on well with? They'd be great because they would create a nice circle of friends for later as they would be friends of you both. Introduce them carefully of course so she doesn't feel your taking pity on her and that the girls aren't just being polite. Make it natural.........let the friendships grow and who knows?........you might get with her, you might not.....but she'll be happy at least!!

Peggypeg

Well she is very lucky to have a friend like you, the fact that you really like her comes through in your post. If she is feeling really low there would be no point in being her boyfriend, it sounds like she has her head screwed on if she realises that. It sounds like the thing she needs more than ever is a friend and some TLC. Spend time with her making her laugh etc and like a poster said introduce her to some of your friends, if you have a particularly mature and trustworthy female friend maybe mention that she is shy, I know I alway get an urge to take other girls under my wing if they seem to be uncomfortable. That could help alot. Just be her friend, that's the most important thing.

Bonito

Just be there for her Op. If you were all she had before you brought up the idea of being a couple then having this extra pressure of thinking about you as more than a friend without having you there to help out will take it's toll on her. Let her know your feelings are genuine but if she chooses to continue as a friendship make sure she knows you're not going anywhere and you'll always be there for comfort for her. She'll have a lot on her mind at the minute, most likely thinking if you were to get together and it didn't work out she'd fear losing you. She's probably also afraid you'll reject her if she says she just wants to be friends. Make sure she know this is not the case and you'll stand by her decisions and you're here to help in whatever way you can.