Friends letting me down

LegacyUser

I feel a bit put out by what's happened with my friends recently. I'm moving abroad for a year on Friday and asked my friends to meet for drinks before then. The job isn't certain, so if it falls through in the interview process I'll be home in 2 weeks, but it's likely this wont happen.

A lot of my friends can't make it, but it's the failure of one in particular that bothers me. I've been mates with him for 2yrs, and fairly good friends at that. we've always got on well, he's helped me with a lot of stuff. but he has a first date that night and he wont/cant change it. i would have thought our friendship should come first? especially as he has met the girl before, they've hooked up, so they both know there is an attraction/something there. I cant really go out the following night as I'm flying the next day. I also feel why should I change to suit him, when he wont for me?

am i right to be put out by this? I know first dates are important, but surely it can be arranged seeing how he might not be seeing me for a year??? or should he keep his date and expect me to rearrange?

jimmycrackcorm

Why don't you ask your mate to bring his date for a drink there before he goes off and does his thing with her.

cafecolour

Honestly standard etiquette says when you make a date or accept an invitation you don't toss it aside because something else comes along. It sounds like the date was made before you invited him for drinks?

On top of that, moving a first date basically says "I'm not that interested." - which doesn't sound like a message he wants to send.

So I'd say no, you shouldn't be put out. Is there some reason everyone has to be there at the same time? Grab lunch with him the next day. Or go out for drinks the next eve.

Plus the best goodbye sessions are the ones where they go all night until you get a drunken escort to the bus to the airport

aws

cafecolour wrote: »

Honestly standard etiquette says when you make a date or accept an invitation you don't toss it aside because something else comes along. It sounds like the date was made before you invited him for drinks?

On top of that, moving a first date basically says "I'm not that interested." - which doesn't sound like a message he wants to send.

So I'd say no, you shouldn't be put out. Is there some reason everyone has to be there at the same time? Grab lunch with him the next day. Or go out for drinks the next eve.

Plus the best goodbye sessions are the ones where they go all night until you get a drunken escort to the bus to the airport

Have to agree with the above on both counts, im sure you can both compromise.

LegacyUser

Lunch isn't possible as he generally works through them, and as we both live in the country, it's too difficult to meet up for just the hour.

as for going out the next night, it isn't ideal - i'd have no way of getting home that night, i'd have to stay at another friends house as per usual which means going from theirs to the airport. Also I'm travelling alone and am not keen on the idea of being hungover in a new city having to find my way to the hostel/check in etc all in a new language (unfortunately my French is shaky) with a big head on me....so no, i'd prefer go from home, say goodbye to the family.

i guess we won't see each other, I've suggested meeting after the date/inviting her but he wasn't keen.

cafecolour - I agree on making a good impression, but disagree that changing a date makes a bad one or sends signals ur not interested, they have both hooked up before, and so know they are interested. it simply says sorry, this has come up and as i've been friends with her longer it's important I say goodbye as dates can always be made the following night/week etc, if it were me, i'd value that he thought highly of his friend and wanted to compromise

Drodan

Honestly OP if I was you I'd be pissed.

I mean I don't care what bs "messages" that could be interpreted, any person would understand putting a date back by an hour or so to say goodbye to a friend who is moving away for a year would completely understand.

Admittedly my view is slightly on the negative side as I've had crap with a couple of my own friends of late. Considering your cirsumstances and those of the friend+date though it is a bit messed up that he won't at least meet up for 20 minutes.

Good luck with the move though!! Hope everything works out!!

dublingal80

hi op. I would be upset too if I was in your situation, but if I was leaving the country for a year and a friend said they couldnt make it, i wouldnt just accept it either and leave it at that. I would do everything and anything to make sure I saw them and come up with as many solutions as possible

Can you meet him on Thursday at all?
Can you meet him friday before the drinks night out and before his date
Why not suggest he brings his date to the drinks night out for an hour or so so you can see him and he can head off then if he wants to
Why not meet him the next morning for a long breakfast somewhere to have a good chat
Big deal if he works through lunches, ask him if he can make an acception this one time and meet you

He would HAVE to be able to do one of the above

ash2008

Op - id be kind of upset at that too. He can meet this girl any other day, but you're going away for a whole year. He should re-arrange or at least come along and bring the girl with him too. If i was meeting a guy for the first time and he asked to change the day cos one of his friends was leaving for a year, i'd understand completely (and you even say theyve met before already)

I dont know what you can do about it tho. I mean, you cant force him to come along and if you did, it would take the good out of it anyway. I guess sometimes we just have to accept that some people think differently about things that seem important to us.

mood

It's not fair to expect him to drop this girl when he had made arrangements with her first. Maybe he can or won't change to date because he doesn't want to **** it up. I have an ex who used to cancel and I'm never going to put up with that again. Maybe this girl won't either.

Taltos

Just a thought - but while the date is important to him - maybe just maybe he is not all the keen on seeing you head off and by already having something arranged he has a nice out from saying - "look mate - would love to see you off but don't fancy blubbering at the end of the night".

If your friendship is that strong then him not coming that night should not be that big a deal for you. Just stay in touch while you are away and catch up when you get back.

iguana

The other thing to understand is that he is being left behind while you go on with a new stage of your life. It seems as if he is prioritising his possible new relationship in the same way you are prioritising your new job/life.