Helping him out when times are tough

surrame

hey all im new to this board im 29 years old and im in a dilemma at the moment my boyfriend went through horrendous abuse as a child and is recently gone to counseling which i commend him for, however hes started drinking in a way that's out of character for him getting paralytic drunk and getting to the point of not being able to speak.

now i know this is a symptom of counseling as ive heard it many times before and that sometimes the actual counseling can be as bad as the abuse as it brings up a lot of memory s, but i have a great connection with this man he makes me laugh and when were together its like theres just me so i want to help him through tough times, as regards the idea of dumping him im going to have to qoute joan rivers when her husband went through difficulties "how f*cking stupid do you have to be to dump someone in difficult times" so thats not an option im not happy now but i know hell get through it and well both be happy together. has anyone any advice for me or him?

Kiera

Is there some sort or partners group that you can go to when he is getting help? Something that will help you understand how to deal with him and his feelings right now? Maybe look it up on the net and see how you can support him and try steer him away from the drink?

hollis12

well fair play to you for sticking by him in tough times thats to be admired, talk to him about what hes going through and most of all be there for him, and yes dumping him because of this would be the worst thing for either of you

kittenkiller

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation OP.

My advise would be to reassure him that you're there for him and will stand by him, but let him know that his drinking has you very concerned.

Do you live together?
Could you limit the volume of booze allowed in the house?

It might be an idea to make regular plans with him for the evenings.
This way he can't spend a lot of time drinking.
Rent a few movies or his favourite sit-com to take up some more time and distract him from all the horrible things that have been dragged back up for him.

Have you asked him if there might be a chance for you to join him at his counselling?
The counselor might be able to recommend a few methods to deal with what he's going through as a couple and at least the counselor will be aware of how your bf is reacting to his treatment.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

hey ive been in the same but but i was the one going to counseling and the one who was abused, congrats to you for having the intelligence and compassion to support him, i was not so lucky, it is normal to increase alcohol intake after counseling sessions as you relive the past, and the brain finds it hard to relive moments of great pain.

i was dumped during this period and i have returned to normal living a happy life and a good job my ex still talks to me every now and again but im getting close to telling her to f%$k off, i may be happier but ill never forget that she left me in my time off need so i really admire what your doing op and gives me hope that theres still some good people out there,

can i be frank

well ive heard so many times and believe it myself that compassion heals more than anything when it comes to abuse, and surrame you already seem to have that for him, your a amazing woman , i went through issues such as your boyfriend and i always knew i had to work hard alone to heal from the past and i was delighted to find a girl who understood that i had to heal from a tough past and i tell you she made all the difference in my life, she really helped me.

"sorry to hear" that story nearly brought tears to my eyes that woman deserves to die alone and probably with a attitude like hers, there was a thread on here a while back about a girl who dumped her boyfriend who was abused and nothing strikes a chord more than letting down those in need, rest assured man it will happen to her

surrame

to clear up a few things dumping him is out of the qeustion as we will get our old days back and any girl who dumps a guy in that situation has issues herself and will die alone i agree, secondly he doesnt drink every day , but the odd time he does he gets langered which is embarrasing but i know he doesnt mean it and it upsets him very much so when he does because he feels he let me down.

hollis12

well trust me here, that sounds very much like drinking ti numb pain/stress and is very normal and will pass soon its usually only temporary, it will pass and your happy times will come once again i see it with so many couples who go through this

surrame

hollis12 wrote: »

well trust me here, that sounds very much like drinking ti numb pain/stress and is very normal and will pass soon its usually only temporary, it will pass and your happy times will come once again i see it with so many couples who go through this

thanks guys for all your help with this trust me im a strong woman and i will e sticking by him but can i ask what sort of outcome is there for people who survived pyhsical abuse i dont like the thought of him hurting all his life?

hollis12

well people who recover from this are people to be admired and in my experience turn in to fine adults, what im saying is anecdotal evidence now please bear that in mind but usually these victims of abuse become abuse survivors around the age of thirty, having worked as a counselor ive seen these men going from quiet traumatised people to dominant, clever funny people, hes doing the right thing and so are you so both of you are on the right path, people who have gone through this in the past have had a whole childhood of being powerless so ofter later in life they seek power and end up in good safe jobs, i know this all sounds cliched talking about what great men they can become but it happens again and again in front of my eyes, people like arnold swarchenegger and chris gardener who the film in the pursuit of happiness was based.

CDfm

I think if the councelling is causing him problems and drinking excessivelly is his way of dealing with it then that is not good.

Dont you & he think you should discuss this with his GP as its normal to get refered into councelling by the GP and they need to assess if the councelling is going to plan.

hollis12

CDfm wrote: »

I think if the councelling is causing him problems and drinking excessivelly is his way of dealing with it then that is not good.

Dont you & he think you should discuss this with his GP as its normal to get refered into councelling by the GP and they need to assess if the councelling is going to plan.

under no circumstances change counsellor if he is happy with the current one, im guessing he is going to a state funded service that is free to child abuse survivors, but yes a gp is the normal way to do it if the person is under eighteen, while the op didnt mention his age im guessing hes over that age

and no his way of dealing with it is not good but it is understandable but true is a bad reaction and doing him no good, i agree with a above poster to ask can the op go to counseling aswell, he should avoid drink but its very very easy for me or anyone else to say drinking is wrong whats he doing that for? the chap went through things no one but he knows alone as a child, he is dealing with it wrong by drinking but advise him to tell the counseller this and make plans that doesnt involve drink, try not to out pressure on him to come to big social ocassions which involve a lot of drink but dont excuse him from them either understand that people who go through unimaginable traumas self medicate sometimes to block out them thoughts

CDfm

hollis12 wrote: »

under no circumstances change counsellor if he is happy with the current one,

Im not so sure- if the guy is drinking huge amounts to deal with what councelling is bringing up then its dangerous to leave it go unchecked.

So I am reiterrating that you both should have a chat with the GP and if he needs something to calm him then he should get it,

Nevyn

Try and get him to talk to his dr asap as he is self medicating wiht the drink to try and cope.

While a lot of poeple will commend you for supporting him, please do not do so at a huge detetriment to yourself. Make sure you have support and are manging your stress levels and looking after you as well as trying to be supportive to him.

hollis12

CDfm wrote: »

Im not so sure- if the guy is drinking huge amounts to deal with what councelling is bringing up then its dangerous to leave it go unchecked.

So I am reiterrating that you both should have a chat with the GP and if he needs something to calm him then he should get it,

well the op said he doesnt drink every day just binge drinking and getting drunker than usual, which sounds like the same amount of drink is causing him to get drunker than usual, which is common among people attending counseling agree with cdfm to see the gp who will say the same thing, and make sure to ask, but i have to say the level a client drinks is not indictive of a bad counselor, but maybe a good one, a therapy session has many physical affects such as feeling drained ect and what it does to an extent is makes you face up to the traumas of the past which causes massive distress, which should not be quelled by drinking but by rest but i do think people drinking or going wild after abuse is understanble

hollis12

Thaedydal wrote: »

Try and get him to talk to his dr asap as he is self medicating wiht the drink to try and cope.

While a lot of poeple will commend you for supporting him, please do not do so at a huge detetriment to yourself. Make sure you have support and are manging your stress levels and looking after you as well as trying to be supportive to him.

yes very true and let him know theres two of you in it, you may be in it together but as long as he tries and respects you for helping him

opinion guy

Have you told him you are concerned about his new attitude to drink ?

I think its a first step. If he loves you and trusts you then openly pointing out this new pattern of behaviour with kindness and compassion might be enough to open his eyes. You could point him towards his GP or he might raise the issue with his councillor.

Just a thought

surrame

thanks guys really but leaving him now isnt a option if he closed off from me it would be a different story but he opened up to me in a way he opened up to no one else so im not going to throw that away unless he stops thinking of me and respecting that hes in a relationship.

we did go to a gp and the gp confirmed this was normal, and expected behavior but not to make a habit of it and it was simply a matter of finding a different way of facing the pain.

CDfm

Nonsense OP -drinking to cope with emotional pain is not normal. You drink to celebrate.

See if he can keep his drinking within the recommended limits of I think 21 units per week for a guy.

hollis12

cdfm no its not normal but its understandable i dont care at this point if i sound like a broken record but do you have any idea about the effects of child abuse in later life?

CDfm

I do and unfortunately a schoolfriend who is now dead was a victim. So Im suggesting that if the OPs b/f requires chemical assistance to get through this and cope that he gets something from his GP instead.

Drinking himself stupid is not the answer here.