Exhausted

LegacyUser

Well going unreg for this for obvious reasons. Im 23 and have always had a difficult life. However I have always remained optimistic and managed to do well. Unfortunately things took a bad turn about 7 years ago when I found out some really bad things about my father, don't get my wrong he's always been a bit of a a****le but this was unforgivable. From here things just got worse. Before this happened I was quite happy bubbly outgoing, I soon started getting anxiety attacks etc and depression. This really affected me but I overcame it and managed to get through college. Anyways long story short both my parents are alcoholics, me and my mam don't really get on as she's put an absolute scumbag before her kids. I wanted to go back and finish my degree but I am up to my eyes in debt. Anyways sorry for the speal, but I guess what i'm trying to say is i've always been optimistic and found myself lucky that I had good friends had sense to make something of my life and not get involved with drugs drink etc. I just find it hard to remain positive the last couple of years as there is just no end to it, i've had my own health problems aswell which have caused a lot of stress. I'm not looking for sympathy there's a hell of a lot of people worse off than me out there. And before people bring Alanon into it etc, there's no need I know all this. Trouble is i've a young sister who is caught in the middle and I can't relax until I know she's okay. I would just appreciate advice on how people keep positive and upbeat through these things, i've always been good at this but just finding it tiring these days.

Bonito

Hi Op,

You sound like a very caring and unselfish person and fair does for sticking at it all this time. Try your best not to let things get you down. Would I be right in saying these ordeals have left you both physically and emotionally exhausted or is it just one of the two?

Are you working at the minute trying to get on top of debts or are you on the dole and that's how they're building up on you? Have you tried sitting your mum down for a stern talking? You may still be a child of hers but let her know you're no longer a child and you're going to speak to her as an adult, show her the effects of what she's doing, but, try not to make it confrontational, treat it as a chat, but a firm wake up call at that.

Has your mum chose this "scumbag" out of fear? Either of him or fear of being alone? If it's the 1st then there are numerous ways of finding her help, which may even help you.

Unfortunately your post is slightly vague so regretably I can't give much better advice than this but if you'd like me to help out more then don't hesitate to PM me.

Danniboo

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LegacyUser

Bonito wrote: »

Hi Op,

You sound like a very caring and unselfish person and fair does for sticking at it all this time. Try your best not to let things get you down. Would I be right in saying these ordeals have left you both physically and emotionally exhausted or is it just one of the two?

Are you working at the minute trying to get on top of debts or are you on the dole and that's how they're building up on you? Have you tried sitting your mum down for a stern talking? You may still be a child of hers but let her know you're no longer a child and you're going to speak to her as an adult, show her the effects of what she's doing, but, try not to make it confrontational, treat it as a chat, but a firm wake up call at that.

Has your mum chose this "scumbag" out of fear? Either of him or fear of being alone? If it's the 1st then there are numerous ways of finding her help, which may even help you.

Unfortunately your post is slightly vague so regretably I can't give much better advice than this but if you'd like me to help out more then don't hesitate to PM me.

Hey Bonito,

Thanks for your reply. I'd say more emotionally than anything. I am working and trying to clear my debts have paid about 7k off them so far.

Unfortunately the long stern chat thing has been done we're way past that. I've taken my sister to my aunts and we've told her we're going to get social services involved. Drink as with every alcoholic is her priority and she has been offered all the help in the world but refuses to take people up on it, at the end of the day she can only help herself. If it wasn't for my lil sis living there i'd be done with her, i've wasted too many years trying to help her.

The guy she is with is because she said she's lonely which is absolutely no excuse, he's been in and out of prison he's damaged my car vandalised my bfs house stole from us. He threatened to burn my bfs house down and when I told my mam she called me a liar. She goes missing out of the house to his house and will switch her phone off, myself or my brother have to mind my lil sis until the next day or the day after when she decides to come home. I've rang his phone repeatedly when this happens and he threatens to call the guards for me. I don't want to say too much on here as you wouldn't know whos reading it.

Bonito

Givemeabreak wrote: »

Hey Bonito,

Thanks for your reply. I'd say more emotionally than anything. I am working and trying to clear my debts have paid about 7k off them so far.

Unfortunately the long stern chat thing has been done we're way past that. I've taken my sister to my aunts and we've told her we're going to get social services involved. Drink as with every alcoholic is her priority and she has been offered all the help in the world but refuses to take people up on it, at the end of the day she can only help herself. If it wasn't for my lil sis living there i'd be done with her, i've wasted too many years trying to help her.

The guy she is with is because she said she's lonely which is absolutely no excuse, he's been in and out of prison he's damaged my car vandalised my bfs house stole from us. He threatened to burn my bfs house down and when I told my mam she called me a liar. She goes missing out of the house to his house and will switch her phone off, myself or my brother have to mind my lil sis until the next day or the day after when she decides to come home. I've rang his phone repeatedly when this happens and he threatens to call the guards for me. I don't want to say too much on here as you wouldn't know whos reading it.

I'd report all acts of violence, intimidation, harrasment and vandalism to your local guarda station, take it as far as need be and don't let him get away with anything!

You've done everything right so far and it's taking it's toll. Do not let buffoons like this make you miserable when you deserve to be happy. Keep at the guardaí until they take action with all this. Considering this case most likely would be brought through the courts you could be awarded compensation for your hardship over all this, maybe even eliminating your debts and letting you get on with your degree and moving on in life.

Look after yourself and look after your sis, so far you're doing everything perfectly, you should be very proud of yourself for sticking through it like you have been doing

LegacyUser

Bonito wrote: »

I'd report all acts of violence, intimidation, harrasment and vandalism to your local guarda station, take it as far as need be and don't let him get away with anything!

You've done everything right so far and it's taking it's toll. Do not let buffoons like this make you miserable when you deserve to be happy. Keep at the guardaí until they take action with all this. Considering this case most likely would be brought through the courts you could be awarded compensation for your hardship over all this, maybe even eliminating your debts and letting you get on with your degree and moving on in life.

Look after yourself and look after your sis, so far you're doing everything perfectly, you should be very proud of yourself for sticking through it like you have been doing

Hey Bonito,

Thanks for that. I have phoned the guards numerous times all they do is ring up and warn him, that's it nothing. The fact my mam spends half her life with him and has stuck with him through all of this doesn't help. I've heard stories hes said about her and she refuses to believe or even discuss it. I doubt you'd get any compensation out of him, he is on disability benefit(he claims he's a bit slow or something, all a con) and has his rent paid for him.

Bonito

Hi Op. A simple phone call and warning is not going to suffice anymore with the Guardaí. If you feel your local station isn't doing enough to help your situation then I'd suggest contacting the Guarda Ombudsman to see if they can provide a solution.

I'd also take a look into reporting him for social welfare fraud if he doesn't really need the state benefits and is abusing the system.

https://www.gardaombudsman.ie/complaints-about-garda-siochana/gsoc-online-complaints-form-db1.asp

http://www.welfare.ie/EN/ContactUs/Pages/reportfraud.aspx

LegacyUser

Bonito wrote: »

Hi Op. A simple phone call and warning is not going to suffice anymore with the Guardaí. If you feel your local station isn't doing enough to help your situation then I'd suggest contacting the Guarda Ombudsman to see if they can provide a solution.

I'd also take a look into reporting him for social welfare fraud if he doesn't really need the state benefits and is abusing the system.

https://www.gardaombudsman.ie/complaints-about-garda-siochana/gsoc-online-complaints-form-db1.asp

http://www.welfare.ie/EN/ContactUs/Pages/reportfraud.aspx

I've reported him several times, hate to think my tax is supporting scum like this. I have saved threatning voicemails he's left my mam and made note of phonecalls etc, unfortunately I think the guards are sick of it as they've had many dealings with him and my mam, she's been involved with physical fights with some of his female cronies. How do you get people to take you seriously when your own mother is supporting the man who has done these things. Its sickening.

Bonito

It's very sad times when you've to sit back and watch it happen but as I said don't let it phase you, stick to your guns and keep yourself and your sis going. It's all going to be emotionally stressing but your message will eventually get through to the right people.

In not feeling as down sometimes it's the little things that work best, take a wknd off work, relax with a dvd, do something with your sis, even ice skating! Just something to take your mind off things for a day or two, don't worry about your debts or anything because one day not working isn't much in the rest of your work week, even take it off as a holiday.

LegacyUser

I wil stick at it, though I know it's fighting a losing battle where my mam is concerned. I've no interest in showing her "she could do better" anymore, now it's a case of trying to get my sis the hell out of there. We only went ice skating there a few weeks ago, it's a little tradition of ours : )

Bonito

Wish others would post advice to help you further as I can only give one angle of advice :rolleyes: Only regret is I can only empathize with what you're going through so I'm not much help!

All the best Op.

LegacyUser

Bonito wrote: »

Wish others would post advice to help you further as I can only give one angle of advice Only regret is I can only empathize with what you're going through so I'm not much help!



All the best Op.

Not at all, thanks Bonito any fresh perspective is helpful. It all just feels so old and so tiring.

LegacyUser

K guys, I know this is an old thread but really needed to vent. I'm at my wits end my mam goes on a 3 day bender with scumbag in question, only poppin home for an hour 1 day to upset my sister and then goes back out. He denies her being there and I have to tell him I'm calling the guards bcoz she's gone missing. She then decides to answer his phone and is like yeah i'm heading home now, in the most blazee attitude ever. I could honestly shake her.

Bonito

Hi again Op. Can you bring your sis to yours 'til the wknd? What's the progression on the involvement of social services?

Try take a breather later if you get the chance. Seems to me all you can do is get your sis out of the environment of your mother and said scumbag boyf.

LegacyUser

Hey Bonito,

God I must sound like a right whingebag. My mam is back home now, hopefully that's it for the week. My aunts and grandparents were all for my sis going to live with my aunt, but we left it to see if mam would cop on but she hasn't. We haven't contacted Social Services yet, we're hoping we can get my mam to agree to her going to live with my aunt. My sis knows she can ring me anytime and i'll always come get her, we're going to stay at my aunts this weekend and make a fuss of her hopefully this will lift her spirits a bit.

Bonito

No you're sounding like a worried, concerned and selfless person which is very understandable in the given circumstances. That's a good idea Poor thing is probably near the point of pulling her hair out. I'd give your mother a fourtnight to snap round. If not I'd pursue a path through the social services for a family member to take legal custody of her. Just make sure that whatever happens it's not yours and your familys' decision so your sis doesn't feel overwhelmed and feel like she's being dragged away from your mother. Mae sure she wants to go All the best.

LegacyUser

Well put it this way i've never once said it to her she's said it to me a thousand times and i've made sure i never put thoughts into her head, so yeap she defo wants to go, god knows if I could afford it she could come and stay with me tomorrow.

Bonito

There's your answer. Get her out asap so she can be safe, happy and comfortable. I believe you'd then be entitled to claim the childrens allowance (or whoever she ends up living with) meaning money out of your mothers pocket that she can't spend on benders?

Peggypeg

givemeabreak wrote: »

Hey Bonito,

God I must sound like a right whingebag. My mam is back home now, hopefully that's it for the week. My aunts and grandparents were all for my sis going to live with my aunt, but we left it to see if mam would cop on but she hasn't. We haven't contacted Social Services yet, we're hoping we can get my mam to agree to her going to live with my aunt. My sis knows she can ring me anytime and i'll always come get her, we're going to stay at my aunts this weekend and make a fuss of her hopefully this will lift her spirits a bit.

Hey OP,

First of all I want to say well done. You've basically been raised by absolute scumbags and look at you!!! You're caring, articulate, resilient, optimistic, tee total and the list just goes on. You need to keep your head held high, you should be very very very proud of yourself.

My heart breaks for you and your sister, I'm sure it's as bad for you worrying about her as it is for her to live with those people. My only advice would be as Bonito said, go to the social services. Also I would consider going to councelling yourself, what you've been through NO ONE should go through, talking to a professional could help with any feelings that you're having. I really cannot express my admiration for you enough, I can only hope I'm as good to my sister as you are to yours. When she is safe I really would cut all contact with your mother, you should read a book called "toxic parents", it's about this. Basically your mother does not deserve the title of Mother, she hasn't behaved like one, if anything I pity her, but not too much, my own mother is a recovering alcoholic (she hasn't touched a drop in 22 years) so I have a bit of understanding but quite honestly your mother doesn't deserve your pity.

Look at what you've turned out to be and how much you've overcome. Anytime you feel down sweetheart take heart in the fact that against all the odds you turned into an awesome and caring human being.

Big big big hugs sweetie

LegacyUser

K I text bf earlier to tell him to stop ringing me as he kept ringing my phone and hanging up. I just got a message from him, "F**k off your bf is sh***ng every c**t in "pub he drinks in", f**k off you hag."

Midnight Sundance

I would just concentrate on your sis for time being. Your mam isn't worried about either of ye so its time to but the cords until she cops on. Leaving your sis in this environment wil not do her any good. If your aunt can't take her could social services help you out. I'm pretty sure you get money for fostering a child,i know my friend does for looking after her niece who came from pretty similar background to what you are describing. Good luck and i hope it all turns out ok.

LegacyUser

Peggypeg wrote: »

Hey OP,

First of all I want to say well done. You've basically been raised by absolute scumbags and look at you!!! You're caring, articulate, resilient, optimistic, tee total and the list just goes on. You need to keep your head held high, you should be very very very proud of yourself.

My heart breaks for you and your sister, I'm sure it's as bad for you worrying about her as it is for her to live with those people. My only advice would be as Bonito said, go to the social services. Also I would consider going to councelling yourself, what you've been through NO ONE should go through, talking to a professional could help with any feelings that you're having. I really cannot express my admiration for you enough, I can only hope I'm as good to my sister as you are to yours. When she is safe I really would cut all contact with your mother, you should read a book called "toxic parents", it's about this. Basically your mother does not deserve the title of Mother, she hasn't behaved like one, if anything I pity her, but not too much, my own mother is a recovering alcoholic (she hasn't touched a drop in 22 years) so I have a bit of understanding but quite honestly your mother doesn't deserve your pity.

Look at what you've turned out to be and how much you've overcome. Anytime you feel down sweetheart take heart in the fact that against all the odds you turned into an awesome and caring human being.

Big big big hugs sweetie

Thanks for that Peggy, I think I know the only way out of this is to report my mam it's just something I want to do as a family with the support of my grandparents. You're right she doesn't act like a mother, you obviously know how much sense you get when trying to rationalise with an alcoholic. I'll keep my head up and plough on as they say.

LegacyUser

yvonne23 wrote: »

I would just concentrate on your sis for time being. Your mam isn't worried about either of ye so its time to but the cords until she cops on. Leaving your sis in this environment wil not do her any good. If your aunt can't take her could social services help you out. I'm pretty sure you get money for fostering a child,i know my friend does for looking after her niece who came from pretty similar background to what you are describing. Good luck and i hope it all turns out ok.

Thanks Yvonne,

She rings me now whenever theres a problem and she'll either come to my house or my brother and I will mind her in my mams house if she's not around so she doesn't have to be around it all the time which is good I guess. I must look into the money you're talking about carers allowance I think it is.

LegacyUser

Ok it's official my mother either hasnt a brain cell to her name or she's got serious mental issues, I told her about the msg her bf sent me and she didn't flinch, wtf? Am I missing something or should this not send alarm bells ringing that this guy is a complete nutjob?

Bonito

givemeabreak wrote: »

Ok it's official my mother either hasnt a brain cell to her name or she's got serious mental issues, I told her about the msg her bf sent me and she didn't flinch, wtf? Am I missing something or should this not send alarm bells ringing that this guy is a complete nutjob?

Her bf is obviously looking for pot shots at you Op. Take no notice of his agressive and childish behaviour. I think you've exhausted any and all chances of helping your mother at this point. Maybe it's time to blank those two and concentrate on your sis alone from this point on.

LegacyUser

OP, I'm so, so sorry you're going through all of this, and as the posters above have said it is an absolute credit to you that you are still so strong, articulate and calm. Your sister is lucky to have you.

My feeling is that, at this stage (where both you and your brother live away from home and it's only your sister still with your mother - is that right?) you need to try to cut the ties that bind you to your mother. You would hope that being cut out of your life might be enough to shock her to her senses - that remains to be seen. However, what is sure is that you have a right to take care of yourself, to protect yourself from the destructive behaviour she and her bf are bringing into your life. It's wonderful that the rest of your family seem supportive, and hopefully your sister can go and stay with your aunt or grandparents for a while (maybe with you helping out on occasion).

I think you must accept that, at this stage, it is unlikely that anything you say or do in a directly confrontational manner will change your mother's behaviour (her reaction to the text message seems to illustrate this). You need to focus on making sure you and your sister are as protected from her behaviour as possible.

I would suggest, apart from in your dealings with your sister, you try not to interract with your mother at all. Try not to get angry with her, to react to any attempts to provoke you. Your priority needs to be you, and of course your sister, but I think you'll be able to help your sister better when you're not so emotionally drained as you are.

I say all the above because it has been the only thing which has worked for me, dealing with my alcoholic father. I realised that the emotional abuse he put me through was going to stay with me, i.e. he was going to keep on and on hurting me, for as long as I allowed him to by keeping him in my life. Since I cut him out, I can't say the pain has gone away completely, but I'm certainly finding it easier to cope. There are some people who have criticised me for doing this, saying you should never turn your back on your family, but I would counter that they never grew up in my family. Therefore, with all the above said, I guess only you know what's best for you. But this is what worked for me, or at least it was the first step to no longer being in the constant shadow of my father's alcoholism.

I wish you all the luck, strength, patience and happiness in the world.

LegacyUser

a friend wrote: »

OP, I'm so, so sorry you're going through all of this, and as the posters above have said it is an absolute credit to you that you are still so strong, articulate and calm. Your sister is lucky to have you.

My feeling is that, at this stage (where both you and your brother live away from home and it's only your sister still with your mother - is that right?) you need to try to cut the ties that bind you to your mother. You would hope that being cut out of your life might be enough to shock her to her senses - that remains to be seen. However, what is sure is that you have a right to take care of yourself, to protect yourself from the destructive behaviour she and her bf are bringing into your life. It's wonderful that the rest of your family seem supportive, and hopefully your sister can go and stay with your aunt or grandparents for a while (maybe with you helping out on occasion).

I think you must accept that, at this stage, it is unlikely that anything you say or do in a directly confrontational manner will change your mother's behaviour (her reaction to the text message seems to illustrate this). You need to focus on making sure you and your sister are as protected from her behaviour as possible.

I would suggest, apart from in your dealings with your sister, you try not to interract with your mother at all. Try not to get angry with her, to react to any attempts to provoke you. Your priority needs to be you, and of course your sister, but I think you'll be able to help your sister better when you're not so emotionally drained as you are.

I say all the above because it has been the only thing which has worked for me, dealing with my alcoholic father. I realised that the emotional abuse he put me through was going to stay with me, i.e. he was going to keep on and on hurting me, for as long as I allowed him to by keeping him in my life. Since I cut him out, I can't say the pain has gone away completely, but I'm certainly finding it easier to cope. There are some people who have criticised me for doing this, saying you should never turn your back on your family, but I would counter that they never grew up in my family. Therefore, with all the above said, I guess only you know what's best for you. But this is what worked for me, or at least it was the first step to no longer being in the constant shadow of my father's alcoholism.

I wish you all the luck, strength, patience and happiness in the world.

Hey thanks guys for your replies, it helps to get some perspective on things. My lil brother is still living at home but he's 19 and well able to look after himself and knows i'm only a phone call away. I can honestly say that if it weren't for my lil sis living there i'd have cut all ties. I didn't speak to my mother for two months one time when the bf threatened to burn my OH house down and when I told her she called me a liar. The thing is my sis suffered because of it she started witholding things from me because she wanted me to call up more often. Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

LegacyUser

Hey just wanted to update and say thanks to everyone for their replies, they've been really helpful. My mam has started going to AA meetings so fingers crossed this could be the wake up call she needs xxx

Bonito

That's a big step! Maybe she is finally waking up Op. All the best