My Dad watching gay porn..seriously need help

tre c

No this is not a joke. I don't know where else to turn as I have NOBODY to talk this over with but it is melting my head. i really want to make clear that i am not taking this p*ss and i'm looking for genuine advice.

My father who has been married to mother for over twenty years and has three children watches gay porn. I had my suspicions of this about 3 years ago (i walked in to the pc room to see him quickly close out of the screen. when i later went to see what it was, i discovered some male gay porn website.) I was freaked out but kind of blocked it out of my mind. i left ireland soon after and travelled abroad for a year and when i came back i then moved out of the house. I told myself he must have just stumbled upon it by accident and tried to forget about it. out of sight out my mind kind of thing.

I am now back living in the family home since last August. A couple of days after Christmas i was using the family pc and hit the new tab button, one of the tiles that appeared was a gay porn site.

i know this is not a coincidence. he is the only one that uses it now as my brother is away. several things are also making sense now. since i moved back i noticed my parents don't get on too well, often sit in different rooms of the house watching different tvs. my dad even bought myself and my sister new laptops and got wireless broadband in house how (i've just turned 27 earn good money and didnt even ask for one and i genuinely wondered why he bought me such a nice gift out of the blue).

i guess i just want some advice. should i confront him about it or should i tell my mam? i feel like he's betraying her. i have a younger brother and a younger sister. i worry how it might affect them as they are both in there teens. i worry if i tell my mam will she just up and leave. if i confront my dad will he get angry deny it and boot me out of the gaf?

i have trouble sleeping, i can't look him in the eye anymore. my family are starting to ask if somethings wrong with me as im quiet around them and pretty much hide out in my room as soon as i get home from work. so much stuff is going through my head.

help me please. i know its kinda pathetic searching for advice of randomers on the net but this something i cant talk about with any friends or family.

Liam Byrne

Before you panic, is there any chance that there was a virus on the PC ?

daisybelle2008

My immediate thought is that I think you have to mind your own business. Your father is an adult, as long as it is legal consensual stuff, not sure what business it is of yours what he is getting his rocks off to. It is up to him to deal with the marriage situation. Sounds like things are strained between the two of them, but you wading in is not going to improve the situation.
TBH I am open to other views but as you have no concrete evidence he is cheating or is gay just a bit of inadvertent snooping on his computer. Can you try to look at it in terms of being none of your business. Not sure if that is possible though. Sorry I cannot be more help.

Terodil

Firstly, if your father watches pron, of whatever legal kind, that doesn't concern you. If he does, it's his business. The only person who has a right to even say anything about it is your mother. Now I understand that seeing one's parents as sexual beings can be unsettling but come on, at 27, you really are old enough now to understand the matter of the flowers and the bees and of physical gratification.

Secondly, would you react differently if he had watched hetero pron?

Your father's pron consumption should not be enough to upset you to the point of losing sleep. It's something most people do.

Thirdly and lastly, you are considering symptoms at best. The real problem is your parents going through a hard phase with each other. Pron or no pron, that's what's bothering you, and rightly so. But I'm afraid you cannot really help here. That, as the pseudo problem the headline alludes to, is something between your mother and your father. I hope for your and their sake that they'll find it in themselves to get their relationship back on track.

BickNarry

ive a mate who's mother died when he was young,and his dads got a bf.i think no problems,he just fell in love with two different people.i think people take this whole gay/straight label thing too seriosuly.he could just be into it,as someone could be into, i dunno, pvc or big tits.as for the relationship part,this could just be a small part of the bigger picture.id say if your gonna do sumin,dont tell your mum,only your dad.

LegacyUser

stay out of it and mind your own business , your fathers sexuality is none of your business , chances are your mother is already aware of his leanings , please understand that your father is intitled to his privacy and that the fact he may enjoy watching gay porn does not affect his capability to be a good person , as people grow older they often discover that their stimulation receptors change and as long as he is not doing anything illegal it is none of your concern .

Liam Byrne

BickNarry wrote: »

i think people take this whole gay/straight label thing too seriosuly

In all fairness, it's not a label, and the OP is entitled to take it seriously - it's his/her DAD.......if he is gay then the OP wouldn't/shouldn't/couldn't be here.

They're entitled to know.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Terodil wrote: »

Firstly, if your father watches pron, of whatever legal kind, that doesn't concern you. If he does, it's his business. The only person who has a right to even say anything about it is your mother. Now I understand that seeing one's parents as sexual beings can be unsettling but come on, at 27, you really are old enough now to understand the matter of the flowers and the bees and of physical gratification.

Secondly, would you react differently if he had watched hetero pron?

Your father's pron consumption should not be enough to upset you to the point of losing sleep. It's something most people do.

Thirdly and lastly, you are considering symptoms at best. The real problem is your parents going through a hard phase with each other. Pron or no pron, that's what's bothering you, and rightly so. But I'm afraid you cannot really help here. That, as the pseudo problem the headline alludes to, is something between your mother and your father. I hope for your and their sake that they'll find it in themselves to get their relationship back on track.

Do you not see how its different because its gay porn? Probably means his father is gay. If you were the OP's mother is it not something you'd want to know about?

Problem is she might already know about it and could be embarrassed if the OP does.

Emme

Liam Byrne wrote: »

In all fairness, it's not a label, and the OP is entitled to take it seriously - it's his/her DAD.......if he is gay then the OP wouldn't/shouldn't/couldn't be here.

They're entitled to know.

What do you mean the OP wouldn't/shouldn't/couldn't be here? Gay men are just as capable of fathering children as straight men. In many cases gay men make great husbands for women except for one thing, they're attracted to men. It wouldn't be my choice, but some heterosexual women willingly marry gay men because that's the sort of arrangement both partners want. Sometimes a gay partner finds about his/her sexuality a few years into the marriage and cares about his/her spouse too much to break up the marriage. Maybe the OP's dad's marriage is like this and his way of dealing with his sexuality is to watch gay porn. He could be bisexual. Every married couple is different and marriage is sometimes a very strange arrangement.

Liam Byrne

Emme wrote: »

Gay men are just as capable of fathering children as straight men.

"Fathering a child" involves having sex with a woman.

Emme wrote: »

some heterosexual women willingly marry gay men because that's the sort of arrangement both partners want.

As could happen, but they wouldn't have sex if one of them is gay.

Emme wrote: »

Sometimes a gay partner finds about his/her sexuality a few years into the marriage

?? We're told that people are "born that way". I'll accept that if it's true, but they can't have it both ways.

Emme wrote: »

He could be bisexual.

I said "if he is gay". I did not say "If he is bisexual".

Emme

Liam Byrne wrote: »

"Fathering a child" involves having sex with a woman.

As could happen, but they wouldn't have sex if one of them is gay.

?? We're told that people are "born that way". I'll accept that if it's true, but they can't have it both ways.

I said "if he is gay". I did not say "If he is bisexual".

Gay men can and have fathered children with women. Sometimes gay men (and women) deny their true sexuality and try to live a "normal" life (well normal by the rules of our society) before coming out as their true self. I was at college with a woman who was married and had two children before coming out as a lesbian, getting divorced and moving in with her female partner.

Liam Byrne

Emme wrote: »

Gay men can and have fathered children with women. Sometimes gay men (and women) deny their true sexuality and try to live a "normal" life (well normal by the rules of our society) before coming out as their true self.

Sorry, I cannot get my head around this.

If I somehow felt pressured by society to be in what seemed like a relationship with a man, living with them, etc, I can tell you one thing for absolute certainty!

I wouldn't ever be having sex with a man!

EDIT : Anyways, this is going well away from the OP's issue, and isn't going to help much (to the point of possibly freaking them out even more), so if you want to discuss this further we'll do so elsewhere....

Emme

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Sorry, I cannot get my head around this.

If I somehow felt pressured by society to be in what seemed like a relationship with a man, living with them, etc, I can tell you one thing for absolute certainty!

I wouldn't ever be having sex with a man!

EDIT : Anyways, this is going well away from the OP's issue, and isn't going to help much (to the point of possibly freaking them out even more), so if you want to discuss this further we'll do so elsewhere....

Some gay men genuinely like women and want to be with them in every way except one... Back to the OP, I don't think he should confront his dad. If he called a gay helpline like Gay Switchboard and explained the situation to them they might be able to advise him - ok, he may not be gay but he suspects that his dad is. The OP's dad is in a very tricky situation, he probably loves his wife and children and doesn't want to leave them even though he knows he is gay. I don't envy him.

kraggy

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Sorry, I cannot get my head around this.

If I somehow felt pressured by society to be in what seemed like a relationship with a man, living with them, etc, I can tell you one thing for absolute certainty!

I wouldn't ever be having sex with a man!

EDIT : Anyways, this is going well away from the OP's issue, and isn't going to help much (to the point of possibly freaking them out even more), so if you want to discuss this further we'll do so elsewhere....

You didn't grow up in Catholic Ireland in the 50's or 60's. My uncle got married and had 2 children because he felt pressured to conform. When the kids were 5 and 6, he upped and left leaving devastation in his wake.

We are very lucky now that the church has less of an influence. Back then there was no way out for gay people.

Anyway, who's to say that the OP's father is gay? Some straight men get their kicks from watching gay porn but have absolutely no intention of going with a guy.

Your views are frighteningly misguided, and narrow-minded.

LegacyUser

I know this may sound a bit odd but just because your dad might look at gay porn doesn't mean he's definitely gay.

He may just get excited by the 'wrongness' of it. Sometimes people have weird fantasies but would never dream of acting on them. Parents are far more open minded than their children believe/want to believe and maybe curiosity has got the better of him on a few instances with regard to this issue

I know it's hard and it's not nice to know these sort of things about your parents but if I were in your position I would do my best not to judge him and I certainly wouldn't bring it up with him as that would more than likely make things very tough in the house. And afterall it's not really any of your business at the end of the day. All of this is presuming that it was actually him who was looking at the website and they is every chance it could have been a pop up or some sort of virus

It's not unusual for a gay pop up to flash on the screen when someone is looking at hetrosexual porn. All I'm saying is don't jump to conclusions and keep an open mind

Best of luck and I hope you learn to deal with the matter effectivly whatever way it might pan out

Taltos

Hi Op.

It's never really all that nice being confronted by our parents sexuality - though I guess we all had to get here somehow.

A few things went through my mind.

1. If you were a child / adolescent then I would encourage you to speak to your mum as this is not the type of burden or conversation you should be pressured into having with your dad.

2. However as an adult you do have a few choices - some of which you have already been given.
a) Say nothing - stay out of it. Their marriage is their responsibility and you have no say in that.
b) Say something to both - yes it is their marriage - but you are their son and a product of that union.
c) Pull your Dad aside and let him know what you found and ask him what is going on - but be prepared
> He might be gay
> He might be bi
> He might just be bi/gay curious and is using this purely as a fantasy
However - do you really want to know which of these it might be?
d) Pull your Dad aside and let him know what you found and suggest that he be more discrete as anyone could stumble across it. You never know maybe your mum did.
e) As per the child - talk only to your mum - as an adult though this is not the ideal route as all you are doing is shifting your issue to her shoulders and maybe forcing her to deal with how you feel. Much easier for a mum to do when the person coming to her is a child - much more difficult when it is another adult.

Thing is - right now - this is your issue and you have to find a way to deal with it before it causes more damage to you and your relationship with your Dad. No matter what the hardest thing but the most important thing is if you are going to talk to him is to be open-minded, be prepared to listen to what he says and try not to judge him.

The real test here though will be how he reacts; try though not to escalate any accusations etc

Maybe just do d - let him know you found it again by chance - you were not snooping and suggest he gets the PC checked out in case it is a virus - gives him an out here - but also will allow him the opportunity to talk to you if he feels up to it.

LegacyUser

OP sometimes straight people watch gay porn it does NOT mean your father is gay. People watch porn that does not fit with their real life preferences occasionally.

Possibility 1 : Its the risque (spelling?) element usually more than the actual content. You get desensitised to pornography and you seek more unusual thrills to provok (spelling?) the desired reaction.

Possibility 2 : A lot of men are turned of by the female actresses as they very clearly do not enjoy it and if youhave a wee bit more experience you can tell when a woman is faking clearly or when they look like they are addicted to drugs and beaten, that makes any decent guy uncomfortable. In gay porn the men are genuinely enjoying it and doing it out of choice (no guilt watching).

I hope this helps.

troubleshooter

tre c wrote: »

No this is not a joke. I don't know where else to turn as I have NOBODY to talk this over with but it is melting my head. i really want to make clear that i am not taking this p*ss and i'm looking for genuine advice.

My father who has been married to mother for over twenty years and has three children watches gay porn. I had my suspicions of this about 3 years ago (i walked in to the pc room to see him quickly close out of the screen. when i later went to see what it was, i discovered some male gay porn website.) I was freaked out but kind of blocked it out of my mind. i left ireland soon after and travelled abroad for a year and when i came back i then moved out of the house. I told myself he must have just stumbled upon it by accident and tried to forget about it. out of sight out my mind kind of thing.

I am now back living in the family home since last August. A couple of days after Christmas i was using the family pc and hit the new tab button, one of the tiles that appeared was a gay porn site.

i know this is not a coincidence. he is the only one that uses it now as my brother is away. several things are also making sense now. since i moved back i noticed my parents don't get on too well, often sit in different rooms of the house watching different tvs. my dad even bought myself and my sister new laptops and got wireless broadband in house how (i've just turned 27 earn good money and didnt even ask for one and i genuinely wondered why he bought me such a nice gift out of the blue).

i guess i just want some advice. should i confront him about it or should i tell my mam? i feel like he's betraying her. i have a younger brother and a younger sister. i worry how it might affect them as they are both in there teens. i worry if i tell my mam will she just up and leave. if i confront my dad will he get angry deny it and boot me out of the gaf?

i have trouble sleeping, i can't look him in the eye anymore. my family are starting to ask if somethings wrong with me as im quiet around them and pretty much hide out in my room as soon as i get home from work. so much stuff is going through my head.

help me please. i know its kinda pathetic searching for advice of randomers on the net but this something i cant talk about with any friends or family.

Oh dear


When I was 9 my mum told me to get some change out of my dads jacket which was hanging to go to the shop, put my hand in and pulled out a packed of condoms, what are these I said to my mother, I got along explination, to this day Im traumatiseD just thinking about it.

Silverfish

Troubleshooter, off topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

Please read the charter before posting.

sam34

OP, i really think you should stay out of this.

as long as the content isnt illegal, the kind of porn your father watches, and what his sexual fantasies are about, are not your business. (i know it's not nice to think of your parents as sexual beings, but we have to acknowledge that they are). similarly, the kind of porn (if any) you get off to is none of your father's business.

if there is a problem in your parents marriage, then it's their marriage, and up to them how to deal with the problems. it's also up to them to decide if and when to discuss those problems with their adult offspring.

i dont think you should discuss this with your mother. neither do i think you should tell your father what you've found - it is his private business.

DigiGal

OP,

Many stright people look at gay porn. It is very possible your father could be bi-curious or only exploring his sexuality now when his kids are grown up. He managed to have enough sex with your mother to father 3 children and carry on a healthy marrage.

I know many gay people are married but speaking from experience(a really good friend of mine was married and gay) they have a hard time maintaining a healthy sexual relationship with a woman.

It is also possible your mother watches it with him, I realise it is hard to confront your parents sexuality(which is why its really none of your business imo) but they have many of the same curiosities, fantasies etc as you and everyone else.
I have watched lesbian porn loads of times....doesn't make me a lesbian, in fact I watched it with my OH, I have never pursued a woman behind his back and am definitely not gay.

Its not as if its child porn, or gay dating sites. As long as he isn't hurting anyone,which he isn't then you should stop nosing in your fathers porn habits as its never going to do any good.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I think you are getting yourself into a state needlessly, you're adding 2 + 2 and getting a million.

You found gay porn on your dad's computer, ok, well sometimes people fantacise about stuff that wouldn't turn them on in real life at all, for example a friend of mine once told me she fantisises (really should learn how to spell that word I know!) about getting raped, she doesn't want to be raped in real life (obviously) but the fantansy turns her on. It could be exactly the same with your dad.

My parents and my boyfriends parents watch t.v. in different rooms, mostly because one wants sport and the other soap operas. You really do not know what a relationship is like unless you're in it, it can look completely different from the outside than it actually is.

Honestly OP I would just forget about it, but if you can't talk to your dad and ask what's going on. In fairness though you really shouldn't, you could end up really upsetting things in your house and your dad's sexual preferences shouldn't really concern you unless it's affecting you directly, which it isn't, you're assuming they're more distant because of the porn but it could be any amount of things really.

Honestly sweetie just forget about it if you can.

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Do you not see how its different because its gay porn? Probably means his father is gay.

LMAO, i am female and my first choice of porn, is gay porn and i am far from gay

op, your dads taste in porn is none of your business

and so what if he is gay, its up your parents how they deal with their marriage

Liam Byrne

kraggy wrote: »

You didn't grow up in Catholic Ireland in the 50's or 60's. My uncle got married and had 2 children because he felt pressured to conform. When the kids were 5 and 6, he upped and left leaving devastation in his wake.

There was pressure on lots of people to "conform"; people who didn't wish to get married, and people who didn't want kids but who were constantly asked if there was "anything stirring".

Lots of those people didn't give in to the pressure, because they knew that would have been the wrong thing to do.

There is nothing wrong with me saying that I honestly cannot see how someone who is not attracted to the opposite sex would have sex with them or have a child with them.

And while I would sympathise with anyone who felt under pressure to deny who they really were, I cannot understand how they could have sex or father a child.

As I said, reverse the "norm" and there is absolutely no way in this wide earthly world that I could possibly have even considered having sex; the reversed "norms" could go take a running jump!

Likewise, anyone who views that I should be somehow "married already" can go jump - I haven't met the "right" woman, and I'm not going to sell myself short in order to conform.

kraggy wrote: »

Anyway, who's to say that the OP's father is gay? Some straight men get their kicks from watching gay porn but have absolutely no intention of going with a guy.

I've heard that this can happen, although I can't see how, tbh. I've seen people claim that "everyone" is "curious" at some stage, but I know for a fact that that's wrong in at least one case - me.

But if it's better for the OP, then I hope this is indeed the case.

kraggy wrote: »

Your views are frighteningly misguided, and narrow-minded.

That's your opinion, and I doubt that I'll change it. I'm reasonably open-minded, tbh, in that I don't actually care what someone gets up to in the privacy of their own home. It doesn't change who they are.

I will not, however, lie or pretend in order to appease those who disagree about the fundamentals or refute basic biology or laws of attraction, simply in order to appear more "politically correct".

All that said, there are a couple of less-impactful, relatively innocent possibilities as to how the porn ended up on the computer - a computer virus, a dodgy website with popups, his mum watching, etc - or even your observation that some men do watch it, too....

So you're right, there is no reason for the OP to jump to the conclusion that his dad is gay......I said as much in my first reply.

Monkey61

I will echo the sentiments of the majority OP - this is none of your business. What kind of porn your Dad likes to watch is his business.

Also the watching of gay porn does not for a second mean that he is gay. I'm gay, but only watch straight porn. Gay porn does absolutely nothing for me at all. That's just the way it is with some people.

Bottle_of_Smoke

guest 89 wrote: »

LMAO, i am female and my first choice of porn, is gay porn and i am far from gay

op, your dads taste in porn is none of your business

and so what if he is gay, its up your parents how they deal with their marriage

gay men or gay women?
Eitherway I think its reasonable to say most men who watch gay male porn are gay/bi themselves. So I think my use of the word probably was perfectly appropriate in that comment.

hinault

tre c wrote: »

No this is not a joke. I don't know where else to turn as I have NOBODY to talk this over with but it is melting my head. i really want to make clear that i am not taking this p*ss and i'm looking for genuine advice.

My father who has been married to mother for over twenty years and has three children watches gay porn. I had my suspicions of this about 3 years ago (i walked in to the pc room to see him quickly close out of the screen. when i later went to see what it was, i discovered some male gay porn website.) I was freaked out but kind of blocked it out of my mind. i left ireland soon after and travelled abroad for a year and when i came back i then moved out of the house. I told myself he must have just stumbled upon it by accident and tried to forget about it. out of sight out my mind kind of thing.

I am now back living in the family home since last August. A couple of days after Christmas i was using the family pc and hit the new tab button, one of the tiles that appeared was a gay porn site.

i know this is not a coincidence. he is the only one that uses it now as my brother is away. several things are also making sense now. since i moved back i noticed my parents don't get on too well, often sit in different rooms of the house watching different tvs. my dad even bought myself and my sister new laptops and got wireless broadband in house how (i've just turned 27 earn good money and didnt even ask for one and i genuinely wondered why he bought me such a nice gift out of the blue).

i guess i just want some advice. should i confront him about it or should i tell my mam? i feel like he's betraying her. i have a younger brother and a younger sister. i worry how it might affect them as they are both in there teens. i worry if i tell my mam will she just up and leave. if i confront my dad will he get angry deny it and boot me out of the gaf?

i have trouble sleeping, i can't look him in the eye anymore. my family are starting to ask if somethings wrong with me as im quiet around them and pretty much hide out in my room as soon as i get home from work. so much stuff is going through my head.

help me please. i know its kinda pathetic searching for advice of randomers on the net but this something i cant talk about with any friends or family.

First of all, ignore all those here who have suggested that your fathers activities are none of your business.

Of course, your fathers business is your business. You and him are family and what you posted constitutes family business.

Secondly, I have no doubt that you seeing your father viewing porn, must have come as a terrible shock to you.
You have my sympathy.

Third : I think you need to raise what you saw, with your father.
You need to raise it in a non-confrontational way : if your father is struggling with his sexuality, this needs to be dealt with in a sensitive way.
However, your feelings and concerned also need to be addressed as well.
Your father is your father after all.

Could you be capable of raising this matter with him directly?
maybe you would feel better about discussing it first with a trusted friend or extended family member, who might raise the issue in a sensitive way with your father?

Regardless this issue needs to be dealt with - by you and by your father.

sam34

hinault wrote: »

First of all, ignore all those here who have suggested that your fathers activities are none of your business.

Of course, your fathers business is your business. You and him are family and what you posted constitutes family business.

since when have peoples sexual fantasies been "family business"??

i dont discuss mine with my parents or siblings, neither do they discuss theirs with me. i dont tell them what type of porn i like.

it's PRIVATE and PERSONAL, not up for discussion over dinner, ffs

Taltos

sam34 wrote: »

since when have peoples sexual fantasies been "family business"??

Becomes family business when the evidence is clearly left open for all to see.
Tell me - if you walked into your parents home and saw an array of vibrators / dildos / lubes / whips / outfits etc on the kitchen table - what would your reaction be? Would you just sit down - have a cup of tea and pretend the elephant is not there?

I fail to see how finding something similar on a family PC is any different.

This is why it is so so important that all of us open minded folk out here that use computers that anyone can access learn the basics of clearing your history - there are so many free programs there is no excuse.

OP - I would still have a quiet chat with your dad about at least learning to clear his history / delete cookies etc.
There are a few great programs out there that also remove tracking cookies etc.

Couples sex life - is private - 100% agree.
But - when stuff is left lying around - ok so its on a PC - then the person responsible and forfeited the privacy - because they did not guard it correctly. This to me speaks of that persons lack of respect or good judgement - not the content - but the failure to ensure that privacy is maintained.

sam34

Taltos wrote: »

Becomes family business when the evidence is clearly left open for all to see.
Tell me - if you walked into your parents home and saw an array of vibrators / dildos / lubes / whips / outfits etc on the kitchen table - what would your reaction be? Would you just sit down - have a cup of tea and pretend the elephant is not there?

I fail to see how finding something similar on a family PC is any different.

This is why it is so so important that all of us open minded folk out here that use computers that anyone can access learn the basics of clearing your history - there are so many free programs there is no excuse.

OP - I would still have a quiet chat with your dad about at least learning to clear his history / delete cookies etc.
There are a few great programs out there that also remove tracking cookies etc.

Couples sex life - is private - 100% agree.
But - when stuff is left lying around - ok so its on a PC - then the person responsible and forfeited the privacy - because they did not guard it correctly. This to me speaks of that persons lack of respect or good judgement - not the content - but the failure to ensure that privacy is maintained.

having something on your internet history is not quite the same as leaving something on the kitchen table.

in any event, the dad bought the op his/her own computer and had wireless broadband installed,presumably so they wouldnt have to share computers anymore, so really the op should have been using their own laptop and not the dad's computer. that action by the dad indicates he was trying to ensure his own privacy.

and, if i walked into the kitchen of my parents home and saw an aarray of sex toys there, i would laugh it off and say something along the lines of "keep those in the bedroom", i certainly wouldnt be insisting they sit down with me and have conversations about what tehy use and how it affects them.

Beruthiel

tre c wrote: »

should i confront him

Speaking as a parent and an adult, if my daughter thought it acceptable to confront me over my porn habits, she's be told to mind her own business.
Your Da should learn how to password protect and set up different accounts for each person using the computher.
I suggest you get that set up.

should i tell my mam?

At 27, you should know that to interfer into anyone elses relationship is a minefield and none of your business.
Telling your mother will result in nothing but problems.
Your parents are adults and are the caretakers of their relationship. Nothing you say or do with change that one tiny bit.
As the child, it is not up to you to tell them how to run their relationship.
It's a line you just don't cross.

i have a younger brother and a younger sister. i worry how it might affect them as they are both in there teens.

Hence my suggestion on the password protect accounts.

If this is really getting to you perhaps it's time to move out for your own sake?

Taltos

Sam34 - yes but you would make a comment. Which is what the OP ideally should have done - ie - "gosh dad it appears you have a virus on your PC it has dumped a sex site on your history - here let me show you how to stop this from happening again - just in case anyone else were to find it."

Now his dad might just say - you know son - that was me. Or he might not. But the key thing for me here is communication - not blame - not name calling or causing a fuss.

You are right we all have our own privacy and our own relationships. But the history on a PC can be so dangerous thought always needs to be used.
> create separate profiles - not 100% safe, someone could always forget to log off
> use a simple history cleaning tool - eg ccleaner to name just one - again not 100% safe - you might forget to use it.

But the thought by some folk that this is MY internet history - how dare you... saddens me. It is still effectively a paper trail - and depending on how explicit the item that pops up on your screen may not be ignored so easily.

So - PC in family home - set up so anyone can access it is communal.
Yes - he got them their own laptops - but if he really wanted to secure his privacy then he should have used a bit of cop on and ensured that no-one could access the computer without a logon or had secured browser history.

Anyway - the genie is out of the bottle now - all we can do is advise the op on how each of us would approach it. Clearly he is suffering a bit from this - again the shock of seeing maybe for the first time that his father is a sexual being. That is I think what he needs to work on - but he really should try not to let this continue to impact his relationship with his dad.

hinault

sam34 wrote: »

since when have peoples sexual fantasies been "family business"??

i dont discuss mine with my parents or siblings, neither do they discuss theirs with me. i dont tell them what type of porn i like.

it's PRIVATE and PERSONAL, not up for discussion over dinner, ffs

Where did I suggest that the poster bring this matter up for discussion over dinner?
Show me where I stated?
Good lad.



And yes it is a childs business if their father is viewing gay porn.

bella2010

if his mam found out she would be horrified but i think maybe op should just talk to your dad about it.. god i know it will be awkward but just tell your dad to be more careful with what he is doing. because your mother might find it and freak out and assume the worst. your dad is probably just bored and maybe wondered what its like or whatever. he obviously loves your mother. 20 years is a long time. prob thinks its exciting to sneak around and stuff.

Nettie

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Do you not see how its different because its gay porn? Probably means his father is gay.

Many guys watch lesbian porn too even though they're straight.

sam34

hinault wrote: »

Where did I suggest that the poster bring this matter up for discussion over dinner?
Show me where I stated?
Good lad.



And yes it is a childs business if their father is viewing gay porn.

i never stated you said it should be discussed over dinner.

my point was that it should not be discussed between teh op and his father at all.

the father's sexuality is his own business, and that of his wife. it is not the business of his children.

i dont know what my parents get up to sexually - they could be swingers, into threesomes, into anal, into dogging.... i don't know, i don't want to know and i have no right to know.

similarly, the op, or any child, has no right to know what their parents sexual interests are, in much teh same way that parents have no right to know what their adult children get up to or fantasise about.

it is private and personal, and is most certainly not a family matter.

Liam Byrne

Nettie wrote: »

Many guys watch lesbian porn too even though they're straight.

That's completely different!

I mean, whatever about whether what they're doing together is a turn-on, at least what you're looking at - a hot female body - is appealing on some level.

Watching 2 unappealing bodies do stuff that isn't appealing or a turn on ? No thanks!

Taltos

sam34 wrote: »

it is private and personal, and is most certainly not a family matter.

Agreed - porn is a private matter. Unfortunately the father in question forgot that a family PC can be accessed by anyone - not just the OP - but by anyone else in the house including visitors...

Nettie wrote: »

Many guys watch lesbian porn too even though they're straight.

I smiled at this.
For many guys
> Lesbian Porn - Good.
> Male gay porn - best left for the better half to enjoy alone....

Liam Byrne wrote: »

That's completely different!

I mean, whatever about whether what they're doing together is a turn-on, at least what you're looking at - a hot female body - is appealing on some level.

Watching 2 unappealing bodies do stuff that isn't appealing or a turn on ? No thanks!

+1 - still 'ing

sam34

Taltos wrote: »

Agreed - porn is a private matter. Unfortunately the father in question forgot that a family PC can be accessed by anyone - not just the OP - but by anyone else in the house including visitors

granted, the father should have taken better care and shown a bit of general cop on about internet usage

but still, i don't think the op should talk to the dad about it, it remains a deeply private issue and none of teh op's business

Taltos

sam34 wrote: »

granted, the father should have taken better care and shown a bit of general cop on about internet usage

but still, i don't think the op should talk to the dad about it, it remains a deeply private issue and none of teh op's business

Except by chatting to him - he can help his dad ensure that this does not happen with someone else. I know - difficult chat - but at least it is a conversation. Now his dad might just tell him to faff off about what he saw but at least he will then be aware enough not to repeat it.

LeixlipRed

The assumption that someone watching gay porn is automatically gay (and not bisexual for example) worries me. OP forget about it and move on.

sam34

Taltos wrote: »

Except by chatting to him - he can help his dad ensure that this does not happen with someone else. I know - difficult chat - but at least it is a conversation. Now his dad might just tell him to faff off about what he saw but at least he will then be aware enough not to repeat it.

well yeah, he could have the computer-security discussion

but he should NOT have teh "are you gay and is this why you and mam are not getting on" chat

Taltos

sam34 wrote: »

well yeah, he could have the computer-security discussion

but he should NOT have teh "are you gay and is this why you and mam are not getting on" chat

Agree totally. This is really what I think needs to happen.
If the Dad is comfortable talking to his son - great - but OP - if your Dad doesn't want to talk about it then you have to respect his privacy but help him ensure that there are no repeat discoveries by anyone else.

He might just need someone to talk to - if you catch my drift - hence back to not being confrontational. Life doesn't get easier when you get older and sometimes it gets tougher and we all need someone we can trust.

tre c

ok i'd like to thank everyone for contributing. it was good to get it off my chest and i feel better about things already. my head is clearer now.

i'd spend a lot of time with my dad, we'd often go for meals, drinks, we'd be close, so i'm sure u can all appreciate why it i found this such a shock.

i've taken points on board and now feel it is best not to interfere in my parents relationship. i'm gonna stay out of it.

However, one major worry is that i am 100% sure my mother does not know about it (i know some people have suggested they watch it together but trust me i'm sure on this one, i'm 100% positive they don't). i know he does it secretly on his own. i know my mother and i know she would not be happy if she found this out. u all just have to take that as gospel.

so as a result of this i'm contemplating saying something just to hint at him to be more discreet as i really don't want this going further.

This was a family computer i found it on, people do use it occasionly, if my little sister had friends over they'd often use it, she does school work on it sometimes, family photos are kept on it, hell, he had neighbours in and he was showing them youtube videos on it the other day. he's not used to technology he doesn't know how to hide his tracks.

i'm thinking of saying something like, "saw some dodgey stuff on the computer, it might need a new anti virus update".

i think saying something or even sending him a text like this (god i really don't want to talk about this with him) might give him a gentle warning, he can take it up with me if he wants, if he doesn't he doesn't....

any thoughts? i appreciate your help

Taltos

Why not just drop into conversation that you just updated all your virus checkers / disc cleaners - and has he?
If not does he need a hand.

I did mention an app I use earlier - great for catching tracking cookies but it also just wipes your history and cookies... Maybe mention it or something like it and let him know what it does without spelling it out to him why.

ccleaner is a freeware tool though you can donate - but do a search there are quite a few options out there.
I have also installed this on all my brothers and sisters pc's - not to help them hide anything but to keep their machines running reasonably well. Though at the time I did spell it out for them that on the plus side if an undesirable site was to open in error this could be used to wipe all history of it..