Should I tell her?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I've only just realised that I really really like(possibly love) a girl that Ive been friends with for years. I always thought we might someday get together but I waited around too long and now shes going out with some lad she knows from work and they seem to be getting serious.

I think if I had the balls to go for it when she was single we would be together now but...I didn't. What really made me realise I like her so much was a few nights ago, she was out with the bf and he was getting all touchy/feely with her in front of myself and a few mates. I couldn't bare to see her with another guy and it really made me realise how much I like her. She looked uncomfortable about the whole thing aswell and I think it was because we both knew there was something between us

So basically I just wanted to know what some of you think about the situation? Should I tell her I like her and risk ruining our friendship or should I just keep quiet about the whole thing and let things pan out?

Is it selfish of me to tell her these things now as shes getting a bit serious with her BF?

Would appreciate your opinions

star-pants

Having been the girl in your scenario (somewhat) ... unless you have any idea that she might be interested I'd say no.
I had a long term friend after about 7 years turn around and say they liked me and would I go out on a date. I wasn't expecting it at all and had zero feelings for him.
It made me feel really really awkward, because I didn't know how to act around him, and was wondering had I ever said or done anything to lead him on or make him think I was interested. We ended up not really talking much for a good few months, cuz I just felt weird. And I didn't know what to say/what not to say to him. Would it be deemed cruel to say I'd met someone I liked etc. Knowing someone likes you and you not liking them, it can make you feel bad, like I'd wished I felt something so I could have them happy but I didn't.
We're sort of ok now like but it's always in the back of my head.

The other thing is - you say this girl is with someone, and it's getting serious. It would be a bit unfair to put this on her when she's got something good going for her right now.

Other people may say go for it, you'll regret it otherwise. But I'm just giving my personal experience on it. Others might have been in the same position and just laughed it off/got back to normal. Everyones different.

seahorse

Anon guy wrote: »

Is it selfish of me to tell her these things now as shes getting a bit serious with her BF?

It is, as you already know.

I wouldn't be so sure of her reciprocating your feelings either. I found out that a long-time friend of mine had feelings for me a few years back. To be honest I was horrified. It changed everything in my mind and I was never really comfortable with him after that and doubt I’ll ever be fully comfortable in his company again.

LegacyUser

Cheers for the replies, appreciate your honesty

As for her feelings towards me, I'm nearly 100% she had similar feelings. She made a move more than once before she got with her bf and I was the one to to shy away, simply because I lacked the confidence to go for it

Star-Pants I understand what you mean when you say it's a bit bad of me to try and disrupt her current relationship but would I not be better off doing it before they get really serious ie move in together etc?

LegacyUser

I'm finding it hard to see how her being uncomfortable had anything to do with you - maybe there's more you haven't said... Maybe she just got a little self conscious in that situation - there were other mates there, how do you know it's you she's got this thing with and not one of them - maybe they had a fight before coming out and she wasn't wanting that close contact at that time. It might just be wishful thinking that you want to see her seeming uncomfortable was to do with you.

If we had more info might be able to answer better -
Is there any past between you?
Has anything ever happened with you and her?
Does she know you have a thing for her? Like does she really know or do you just think she thinks you like her - if this is completely out of the blue you might just be asking for trouble.
How close is your friendship? Are you in tight similar circles?
How long is it that she is going out with current boyfriend?

star-pants

Anon guy wrote: »

Cheers for the replies, appreciate your honesty

As for her feelings towards me, I'm nearly 100% she had similar feelings. She made a move more than once before she got with her bf and I was the one to to shy away, simply because I lacked the confidence to go for it

Star-Pants I understand what you mean when you say it's a bit bad of me to try and disrupt her current relationship but would I not be better off doing it before they get really serious ie move in together etc?

Well.. thing is if she did try and you rejected her she may have moved on.
She is with someone else now, and it is getting serious. It might be unfair to upset what she has now because you now decide to do something. (I'm not giving out but it is a little unfair to put her in that situation).

How long ago did she make a move? Did she ever make a move after or indicate she felt anything?

As I said - things might work out ok, or you might just push her away forever. You have to weigh up whether you would rather have her friendship for life, or risk telling her you're mad about her and have her not want to be friends anymore. Decision is ultimately yours - you know her / what she's like.
We can only go on our own personal experiences.

LegacyUser

Mcadam wrote: »

I'm finding it hard to see how her being uncomfortable had anything to do with you - maybe there's more you haven't said... Maybe she just got a little self conscious in that situation - there were other mates there, how do you know it's you she's got this thing with and not one of them - maybe they had a fight before coming out and she wasn't wanting that close contact at that time. It might just be wishful thinking that you want to see her seeming uncomfortable was to do with you.

If we had more info might be able to answer better -
Is there any past between you?
Is there any past between you?
Does she know you have a thing for her? Like does she really know or do you just think she thinks you like her - if this is completely out of the blue you might just be asking for trouble.
How close is your friendship? Are you in tight similar circles?
How long is it that she is going out with current boyfriend?

Useless with multiquotes so will just bold the questions:

Is there any past between you?
It's sort of complicated. We were always being urged to get together by all of our friends and we both fancied each other, but we were both very shy and it never happend even though we both wanted too

Is there any past between you?
We kissed once but it was when we were younger. We txted each other regularly

Does she know you have a thing for her?
She does to an extent but I reckon she was a bit pissed off I didn't make the move when I had the chance and maybe thought I didn't like her as much as she liked me

How close is your friendship? Are you in tight similar circles?
We are good friends and get on very well although a bit of sexual tension has always existed between us. We are in a close enough circle, wouldn't see her every day or anything but would see her most weekends out on the beer or in someones house

How long is it that she is going out with current boyfriend?

Shes been with him nearly 3 months now

LegacyUser

I was in a similar situation - didnt' have confidence at the time and eventually met up with her and virtually told her I'd made a mistake and should have asked her out, she said sorry but she'd moved on and wanted to try to make something with her current boyfriend.

To me, unless you are getting signs, and I mean clear signs - try to remove your wishes from it and be objective - I'd leave it. I know all you probably want to hear is that you should tell her but are there any signs other than her just seeming uncomfortable that you can say are a sign? Does she text you? Ever get a drunken text saturday night off her?

LegacyUser

Have posted here before about this
i had similar story and i never done anything about it
to this day i regret it so much , now he's with his girlfriend over 3 years
so way too long for me to speak up really wish i done something about
it before they started dating or even at start
but left it too late now
go for it for all of us that missed our chance
good luck

LegacyUser

as a guy thats been there and done that, there is a way to say it to her without losin her as a friend. Say to her u have been always been mad about her nd u think shes gorgeous but if ur happy wit him then im happy for u but i wish it was me. I took the risk myself nd now i have a child wit her. Some things are worth the risk. Gud luck mate.

LegacyUser

You gotta go for it, seriously, you've nothing to lose in this situation because you won't be able to stay friends with her if it kills you to see her with some one else. At this minute your friendship is over, you just don't realise it yet. So, knowing that, you've nothing to lose and everything to win.

Taltos

unregistered x wrote: »

as a guy thats been there and done that, there is a way to say it to her without losin her as a friend. Say to her u have been always been mad about her nd u think shes gorgeous but if ur happy wit him then im happy for u but i wish it was me. I took the risk myself nd now i have a child wit her. Some things are worth the risk. Gud luck mate.

I said something very similar to this years ago - on the spur of the moment without really thinking about it. Within a few days I was this the person in question as well Sometimes taking a chance really works.

LegacyUser

I'd say go for it. But definitely approach it strategically. You want her to know your serious about how you feel about her. She won't exit a relationship unless she knows there is another one being offered.
But if she does not feel the same way, you need to make it clear that she needn't feel awkward. She doesn't need to feel bad for not returning the feelings, you just want her to be happy and get it off your chest so there were no secrets between you. You value her friendship, and wanted things to be honest etc etc.
You need to do it now, while they are still early in the relationship, otherwise you miss the boat. Don't wait till things get serious between them. If you don't you'll always wonder 'what if ?'