parents splitting up... what a mess :(

LegacyUser · 04-01-2010 1:39am #1

Hi everyone,

as my name suggests I am in a major panic at the moment about my dilemma. Perhaps this is because its late and its on my mind and I cant sleep... im not quite sure... but I just thought the best thing would be to look for help...

To cut a long story short my mother had been married to my father for almost 35 years. She has raised 4 children with him, my 2 older brothers who are both married, myself 22, and my younger sister who is 14.

My mother has always been a stay at home mum this entire time (my eldest brother is 33). My father has been very neglectful, has never had any time for any of us and is an alcoholic. Things have reached boiling point and my mother is now determined to leave him. She tried to do this amicably but he refused to leave and now she has to seek legal help.

My mother minds my 2 nephews all day every day, (esp the younger one who is 2 years old) and this is something she loves doing, and is something that Im not sure my brother and his wife could survive without...

I am so angry now because I feel as though this seperation is compltely my fathers fault, he has abused us all mentally for years and I am so proud of my mother for finally sticking up to him but I am so worried about what will happen her next. I don't want her to suddenly have to force herself to find a job and put herself into a position at her age that will cause her strain etc. She has had an extremely hard life (i wont get into details here as I could go on forever) and I want her to finally be free and enjoy herself without having to put herself into the workforce that she is not used to... She has not even done her Leaving Cert and so I shudder at the career prospects for her....

I am recently graduated but my ultimate aim is to go back to college next year to do a postgraduate course that lasts 2 years and although I am saving money for it I had always been banking on my parents to help me get through it financially...

I can now see my father throwing this back in my face as this is the type of man he is ...
My job at the moment does not pay a lot and I am on part-time social welfare but I am now even more determined to get a better job and save everything I can and also try my best to support my mother and younger sister. But now I worry if maybe I shouldnt go back to college next year maybe I should continue to support them.... but I know the job I would eventually get with the postgraduate would be much better for me in the long run than some job I would pick up now...

I know my father will have to pay support for my sister but after researching this online it doesnt seem like a lot and I also read that this would mean my mother would not be entitled to any lone parent allowance...

I really hope I don't come across selfish in this post... I'm just so worried for my mother and feel very protective over her as she has literally dedicated her entire life to us and now I am worried that after years of being financially secure she will find herself in a mess financially.... I just think she has had such a hard life as a result of this man and now he will be ruining the rest for her.

I hope someone here can advise me on this and perhaps calm me down ... I'm almost in tears at the thoughts of this.

Thanks

ash23 · 04-01-2010 10:57am

I would advise your mother to go to a solicitor asap.
I amn't sure about the ins and outs of the family home when someone is married but I thought there was a provision that the custodial parent gets to stay in the home until the child is 18. Not sure if thats accurate or not and not sure if there is a problem should your father refuse to leave.

On a lesser scale, your mother would of course be entitled to One Parent Family Allowance.
The amount may be reduced depending on what your father pays in maintenance and with regards to assets etc but she will be entitled to it as your sister is under 18.
If she goes back to work she should be able to claim Family Income Supplement depending again on earnings.

Basically, she needs to get to a solicitor pronto and start making plans and provisions. She should also pay a visit to citizens information and talk to them.

Walls · 04-01-2010 11:36am

According to a comment on the radio if the child is in education then the parent is entitled to the Lone Parent Allowance until the child is 22? 23? Worth looking into.

You mention concern over your own plans as well. Don't worry; it might take five years instead of two, but you will get there. A lot of sacrifices are going to have to be made on foot of your mother's decision (things like the 2 nephews having to be rethought, etc), which is probably one of the reasons she took so long to make this decision. That's to be expected, the family is going to completely change and almost certainly for the better.

If your Dad is an alcoholic then a lot of what he says and does is on foot of his disease. I'm not reducing his flaws in any way but just keep that in mind. His behavior is more than likely to get worse than better, by the way, nothing worse than an alcoholic who can't get his own way.

smelltheglove · 04-01-2010 12:17pm

You are being far from selfish here, I think it's honourable that you want to help support your mother and sister. In the older days kids gave up school and took to working from young ages to help support the family, it was the norm for many. Would it be possible, if needs be, to do your course part time?

Sounds like this will all be a change for the better however there is no denying that it will be a long stressful process and you should take into account that your mother will most likely need emotional support during this. There are a lot of different parts to the system to help her financially so look into these but just remember to ask her now and then how she is feeling as she may need a shoulder!

Peggypeg · 04-01-2010 12:29pm

Hey OP,

That really is an awful lot to be worrying about! What you need now is information, go to the Citizen's information centre and go to a solicitor and get that information. I can't tell you were I work but I can tell you that One Parent Family Payment is means tested so if your mother gets maintenance from your fater she will get OPFP at a graduated rate, if your father refuses to pay she will get the full amount. She can apply for the Family Income Supplement if your she is working less than 20 hrs a week, again this would be at a graduated rate. I know this all seems very scary but please be assured you will be ok. You guys sound like a strong family, that's what will get you through this, just being there for each other!

It wouldn't be a bad idea for your family to go to Al-anon, it's a support group for people who have alcoholics in their lives, it certainly wouldn't hurt and could provide some therapy for you all. I know it's really hard not to worry but these things do work out, I know you feel protective of your mother, I feel the same about mine. I love the ground she walks on, a few years ago I told her she should get a mobile phone, learn to drive, get some hobbies as she wasn't happy with her life. My God, I'm so proud of her, she got all those things and a job (as a lollypop lady)! Your mother is alot stronger than she appears, she lived with an alcoholic for 35 years!! I know it's hard but try to let things play out, it'll take a while for you all to find your feet but you will all get there. I'd say your mam could do with some councelling, being married to an alcoholic for 35 years would leave alot of scars, maybe mention al-anon to her too?

I suppose what I'm trying to say to you is, it's going to be ok. Once the alcoholic is out of the house the healing can begin. As long as you stick together you'll be alright. With regards the college thing, it's not the end of the world if you put it off, you can always go back to it.

Big Hug to you OP,
Best of luck to you and your family

Danniboo · 04-01-2010 12:42pm

Hey OP,

Sorry to hear about your situation. Financially it wil be difficult to adjust but I have no doubt in my mind you will get there, after all the money your dad was drinking had to come from somewhere. So you might not be at as much as a loss as you think. Your mam is in entitled to Lone Parents and her FIS if she is working 20 hours. It's great that you have each other to support one another through this tough time. I know its hard to see your parents seperating but try to see your dads illness for what it is and realise that you can love him but don't have to love what he is doing. If you can seperate the two you can begin to move on. Try and focus on how much more of a positive and peaceful environment you will be living in without the alcoholism being in your face there all the time. Your little sister will get to have her teenage years without this being there all the time. Stay strong OP and keep smiling

LegacyUser · 04-01-2010 3:09pm

OP here again,

Thank you all so much for your help and advice, I was very worried when I first posted, it was late at night etc. which was just putting me in a right state. Now that I have had time to think and read each of your posts I feel better about the situation. At the end of the day nothing can be worse than her giving up on her life and continuing to live in this situation so the best thing to do is definitely to seperate and give herself, and my dad, time apart.

She called the local citizens info office today and was told to call into them in 2 weeks because they will have a free service with a barrister then. She is now just getting her head around things and trying to decide if she should wait to see this barrister or if perhaps it would be better to get it done more quickly and pay for a solicitor. Does anyone have any experience in this sense? I might try posting on the legal discussion forum too to ask about this perhaps.

I am very relieved to see that she is entitled to the lone payment as I was worrying she would suddenly have no income at all, I'm confident that this benefit will give her the time she needs to adjust to this major change in her life and then in a while re evaluate her situation with regards to looking for work etc.

This lone payment everyone said she is entitled to is the One Parent Family Payment isn't it?

Anyway, thank you all so very much I am so grateful for all this advice

Danniboo · 04-01-2010 4:53pm

inapanic wrote: »

OP here again,

Thank you all so much for your help and advice, I was very worried when I first posted, it was late at night etc. which was just putting me in a right state. Now that I have had time to think and read each of your posts I feel better about the situation. At the end of the day nothing can be worse than her giving up on her life and continuing to live in this situation so the best thing to do is definitely to seperate and give herself, and my dad, time apart.

She called the local citizens info office today and was told to call into them in 2 weeks because they will have a free service with a barrister then. She is now just getting her head around things and trying to decide if she should wait to see this barrister or if perhaps it would be better to get it done more quickly and pay for a solicitor. Does anyone have any experience in this sense? I might try posting on the legal discussion forum too to ask about this perhaps.

I am very relieved to see that she is entitled to the lone payment as I was worrying she would suddenly have no income at all, I'm confident that this benefit will give her the time she needs to adjust to this major change in her life and then in a while re evaluate her situation with regards to looking for work etc.

This lone payment everyone said she is entitled to is the One Parent Family Payment isn't it?

Anyway, thank you all so very much I am so grateful for all this advice

It sure is

Taltos · 04-01-2010 5:32pm

Gosh your poor mum.

You know - I think any of us would be proud to have such a strong and self-sacrificing mother.
The next while might be very tough for her - emotionally. Please keep that in mind and do all you can to keep her strong a re-assured.

In terms of your own plans - yet it might take a bit longer - and it might be a bit tougher - but trust me when you get your post-grad you are going to be that much happier with yourself.

Maybe also see about your family getting in touch with some of the alcohol survivor groups - like alanon. Believe it or not alot of folk come from families like yours with very low self worth and with a belief that it was all their fault. Without proper help it can take some people years to come to terms with the truth - that they are the victims here and not the cause.

If at all possible encourage her not to show her hand until she has all the steps in place - you know - who gets the house, income, support etc. But if she has already told him then please do not worry her by saying this. Hindsight is wonderful - family member just went thru this and tipped the news too early - now is paying for it a bit.

Also when the solicitors get involved - please see if someone can accompany your mum - take notes - go in prepared with questions - and with what she wants to happen and by when. Some of the when might be unrealistic - but again in my famiy members case - they always leave there more in a tizz than they need to be - and never ever with notes so that they know what is going on.

Once more - big hurrah for your mother. She really should be praised for taking this scary step - but right one.

LegacyUser · 04-01-2010 6:45pm

Taltos wrote: »

Gosh your poor mum.

You know - I think any of us would be proud to have such a strong and self-sacrificing mother.
The next while might be very tough for her - emotionally. Please keep that in mind and do all you can to keep her strong a re-assured.

In terms of your own plans - yet it might take a bit longer - and it might be a bit tougher - but trust me when you get your post-grad you are going to be that much happier with yourself.

Maybe also see about your family getting in touch with some of the alcohol survivor groups - like alanon. Believe it or not alot of folk come from families like yours with very low self worth and with a belief that it was all their fault. Without proper help it can take some people years to come to terms with the truth - that they are the victims here and not the cause.

If at all possible encourage her not to show her hand until she has all the steps in place - you know - who gets the house, income, support etc. But if she has already told him then please do not worry her by saying this. Hindsight is wonderful - family member just went thru this and tipped the news too early - now is paying for it a bit.

Also when the solicitors get involved - please see if someone can accompany your mum - take notes - go in prepared with questions - and with what she wants to happen and by when. Some of the when might be unrealistic - but again in my famiy members case - they always leave there more in a tizz than they need to be - and never ever with notes so that they know what is going on.

Once more - big hurrah for your mother. She really should be praised for taking this scary step - but right one.

This is great advice, thank you very much. I have spoken to her and she isn't planning on telling him about this until the point where she has everything sorted and needs to tell him.

I really appreciate all of this great advice so thank you all so very very much. I know that as a family we will get through this in the end, and we are a very strong unit so we will be okay it is just a pity that I think he will make it as messy as he can first.

Foxytocin · 04-01-2010 10:17pm

You don't sound selfish. I've always thought that it must be harder when peoples parents split up when they're young adults. I left my x when the children were very young, and although I still regret not leaving him sooner, I was able to protect the children totally and now they have never known anything other than the family we are now.

You sound like you respect your Mum and you recognise her strength. Tell her this. I hope that you can somehow still fund your studies. Your mum might be entitled to some one parent family allowance. This isn't much but it might be enough so that you didn't have to worry about supporting your Mum and sister. If your sister is still in full time education then i think your mum would be entitled to at least some benefits.

Don't berate yourself for feeling upset. it's natural, despite being 22! But try to see the positive side of it, and be happy for your Mum that she's going to be 'free' of an awkward difficult man after all this time.

parents splitting up... what a mess :(

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