Love my guy - but sleep with others

femalepower

Hi there, I have been going out with the most wonderful caring guy for the last five years and I have to say I love him to bits. He really is the nicest guy, he'd do anything for me. He is in a very well-paid job and I never have to put my hand in my purse as he is a real gentlemen and treats me like a princess. He is always looking out for me. I want to stay with him and I do love him dearly but and I am not proud of this, I have cheated on him on several occassions. I am a very sexual woman and have these really urgent needs and although my partner and I do occassionally have sex, it's not as raw and energetic and passionate as I would like. He seems a bit inhibited about taking control and despite our discussions on spicing things up the truth is that he is just not a sexual beast, or at least not as sexual and passionate as I am. Therefore I have, in recent times, sought sexual satisfaction elsewhere and had a series of flings and one-nighters with guys who were more dominant and masterful in the bedroom. On these occassions I deliberately seek guys with good bodies and just choose them based on sexual attraction, it doesn't matter to me if they are macho or idiots or dumb (in fact sometimes i prefer them big and dumb as they are usually funny and a bit clueless except in the bedroom where they compensate for these defecincies).

I am currently seeing one of the bouncers at a club I like to attend, I know he sees other girls but he is gorgeous and gives us free tickets and brings us cocktails, he has seen me leave the place with other guys and on the few occassion my boyfriend has joined me at the club he has made some provocative comments.....situations like this make me worry for my bf and the last thing I want for him is to be hurt, this is why I am writing this thread.


Anyway getting to the point, I am considering approaching my partner and perhaps revealing a little of my transgressions and explaining the rationale behind them....I want him to accept an open relationship but fear he will be distraught by my revelations and thus I will lose my prince looking out for me and easing my path in the world.
What do you suggest I do?

I believe that my actions are justified but don't know if he will share that viewpoint. I don't want to lose the affection and security he provides me but I also demand the right to be fulfilled sexually.
I don't believe these are mutually inclusive especially if my partner isn't up to the task in one department and I genuinely don't want to hurt him.
I could continue as I am at the moment but I am not sure that is ideal as I don't wish to continue making the efforts to hide my affairs as I don't really believe my actions are shameful.
Again I ask you, what is the best thing to do?

moretothegirl

femalepower wrote: »

I believe that my actions are justified but don't know if he will share that viewpoint. I don't want to lose the affection and security he provides me but I also demand the right to be fulfilled sexually.

With this attitude you will get nowhere. You are one hundred per cent wrong in this situation. You are completely deluding yourself if you think otherwise. It sounds very much as though you do not love your partner at all but simply like his company, how he treats you and his money perhaps. You may not be ready to admit this to yourself and this is why you are deluding yourself into thinking that this behaviour is okay. You are almost trying to convince yourself that you are the victim here.

I am taking a very objective unbiased view on the information that you are after telling you and I genuinly think you need to tell the guy the truth before you take away all of his dignity along with breaking his heart. You clearly don't love him and I think you need time to yourself to find out what it is exactly you do need.

Either way the guy definitely deserves to know the truth and I mean the WHOLE truth and not some partial, re-touched and softened truth. He deserves to know everything because the longer you keep this as secret the more upset he will find when he discovers the truth, and trust me he will find out, its only a matter of time. He is going to feel like a fool because of your behaviour, he will feel as though everyone is talking about him behind his back etc. So don't delude yourself into thinking that he could possibly be of the opinion that your the victim and that you needed to cheat on him.

OP I would also brace myself for the backlash because people will also be gossiping about you (prob already are at the moment to be honest) and your probably going to be called many many names over this. People do not take kindly to this ridiculous behaviour.

I think you need to take time to yourself and when you are ready to see that what you are doing is wrong and ready to accept your responsibilities then come here and look for advice as you won't get sympathy with this deluded attitude.

Sorry if I sound harsh, I just think you need a good dose of reality.

Wurly

The relationship was not classed as an open one in the beginning. So what you are doing is deceitful. Therefore, it's wrong.

Don't be surprised if he dumps you. He thinks he's in a monogamous relationship. He's in for a big surprise.

You sound incredibly selfish and machiavellian in your post. I just hope at the very least you have had the smarts to use protection and not put your partner at risk.

By the by - to have such a lack of decency and respect towards your partner would suggest that you do not love him.

What you do love is the lifestyle. Not having to put your hand in your purse as you call it.

So it's not really love now, is it?!

Nettie

Break up with him. He doesn't deserve this. You can still do what you're doing now but without him stuck in the middle.

Bonito

Sorry to burst your bubble but you're very very far from a princess, after everything your boyf has done and does for you asking him for an 'open relationship' is frankly a slap in the face, you're actions are not justifiable to any extent. You want more satisfaction? Go buy a vibrator! You're boyf will be far more willing to accept a sex toy rather than dozens of men having a go on the girl he's in love with! The fact that you can claim to love him to the extent you say you do is outrageous because your actions certainly say otherwise.

You have a few options.

1. You stub your behaviour out immediately.
2. You try convince your boyf that what you do is acceptable and most likely get tossed out on your ear.
3. You come clean and tell him everything and frankly beg for forgiveness and ensure him you've had your fun.
4. You wait for him to find out, has his heart broken, tosses you out on your ear, and both of you get left with nothing, of course you'll still have your no strings action but how long will that last? How long before your name gets around?

The fact you can look him in the eye and tell him you love him, and tell him he's you're everything and then sleep with other people is sickening. Either way you're going to break his heart. What he do to deserve this? Is it his punishment for loving and taking care of you?

muboop1

Do you love him at all??

Or do you love how he treats you and "keeps" you?

Seems like thats all it is...

aidan24326

femalepower wrote: »

...he is a real gentlemen and treats me like a princess.

And your thanks to him for that is to sleep around with whatever random prettyboy catches your eye?

Your attempt at justifying your behaviour is quite pathetic. How can it be right to do what you're doing when you're boyfriend is completely unaware of it? You're living a lie. If you aren't getting the kind of sex life you need then you and he probably aren't sexually compatible.

Truth is you just want the best of both worlds. Hot sex with random studs and a muggins boyfriend at home who'll look after you and keep you in the style to which you're accustomed. You wouldn't stay with a bf who was crap in bed other than he's bankrolling your lifestle, simple as that. If you care about him at all you will end it. Then you can shag any guys you want to but without a poor deluded boyfriend in the middle who thinks he's involved in a loving monogamous relationship.

cafecolour

Leave him and find a partner you're more sexually compatible with.