Trust issues with bf not being honest

LegacyUser

just found out today that my bf of 2 years has a child he doesn't see and possibly a second for the same girl. We don't live in the same town and it was just by chance (a friend of mine met a friend of his out over the xmas) and within conversation my bf came up as being from the same town.

i trust this friend of mine he would never tell me anything if he didnt think it was true (trusted source) so i asked bf today if it was true and he admitted to having a daughter with this girl and she tells him he's the daddy of her other daughter too but he's not convinced. he told me he didn't tell me cos he wants nothing to do with the kids and their mother is hardwork and caused his alot of problems, said he puts money into a post office account for the child he's sure he's the dad of.

as you can imagine my head is wrecked i keep wondering what else has he not told is there possibly more kids out there that might come to the door looking for him someday. we had discussed getting engaged in feb but now im not sure i can be with someone i can't trust, help!!!!

am i over-reacting??

LeixlipRed

Head wrecked wrote: »

am i over-reacting??

Absolutely not. You'd want to ask yourself do you want to continue in a relationship with someone who lies about such a major thing and who "doesn't want anything to do with" his own daughter.

SarahMc

Wow, you are seeing him for 2 years, and you find out from someone else that he has a child (probably two), that he wants nothing to do with... Run.

seahorse

What a charmer you've got there.. Stay with him by all means if you want to risk someday being the mother of a child he wants "nothing to do with" should you ever find yourself becoming "hard work".

Barracudaincork

I dont think trust should be your issue. He very well may have lied or not have lied about other stuff. All of that doesnt matter IMO as what he has already done i.e denied his daughter exists etc would be enough for me to realise he isnt my kind of person and certainly not someone i would want to be with anymore, not to talk of getting engaged.

LegacyUser

thank you all for your feedback. things are still a bit up in the air he thinks im completely blowing it out of proportion because his take on it is this child (possibly children) will never play any part in his life so therefore will not play any part in our future. i don't see like this needless to say and what makes it worse i've found out his parents and sister frequently see both children so i feel they have helped him keep this secret. i feel so betrayed i'm not sure i can get past this but it's hard to walk away from a 2 year relationship where we have discussed marriage although my heart is saying stick with it my head is saying this is a wake up call, i don't understand how he thinks this is acceptable behaviour from him and towards his own child/children.

seahorse

So not only did he omit to tell you about his child/children but his family were willing to colllude in his deception! Marrying into that family sounds like a very bad idea to me.

pookie82

I can't see how you could ever get past a deception as long running and huge as that. I certainly couldn't. Not only was he willing to hide such a crucial part of his past, but now he's trying to play it off as "no big deal" and something that won't affect your future. The guy is insane - his family members are seeing the kid(s) so how on earth would they never enter your future?

I hate to sound judgmental but can you honestly see yourself marrying and having your own kids with a guy who wants nothing to with his existing offspring? However "troublesome" the mother might be it's not the children's fault and he shouldn't have abandoned all of them.

it's not often that an RI gets a unanimous response on boards so take from that what you will.

Barracudaincork

Head wrecked wrote: »

this but it's hard to walk away from a 2 year relationship where we have discussed marriage .

No your right it might not be an easy thing to do, but the right thing to do isnt normally the easiest im afraid.

His family being in on this and not mentioning it is crazy, but they seems to be decent enough if they want to be in his daughters life and maybe they are torn by the whole thing. It doesnt matter as such as you never planned on marrying his family, you planned on marrying him at some point and he is the one who has kept her a secret.

OP i know this is hard to hear but for the sake of your own heart leave him, walk away and never look back and trust me in a couple of years time you will wonder what you ever saw in that jerk!

aidan24326

Head wrecked wrote: »

thank you all for your feedback. things are still a bit up in the air he thinks im completely blowing it out of proportion because his take on it is this child (possibly children) will never play any part in his life so therefore will not play any part in our future

Maybe not now, but what about when the child wants to know who her daddy is, something that is inevitable down the line. He's not being very realistic if he thinks he can just hide from it forever. Not to mention the fact that he's being a pr1ck not having anything to with his daughter just because the mother is 'hard work'. And he apparently doesn't even care wheter he might be the father of the other child.

So if we can summarise this.
1. He hid the fact he has a child (and maybe 2) for 2 years.
2. He wants nothing to do with his daughter, for nothing other than the not unusual fact that his ex is hard work to deal with.
3. He isn't bothered about the other child either, even though there's a significant chance that's his child also.
4. He now thinks this is all 'no big deal' and that you're overreacting (you certainly aren't).

What you do from here will be your own choice regardless of what anyone else here says. But you have to ask yourself if that level of deceipt is forgiveable, because I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be for most people. This is two years we're talking about, where he hid a very big part of his past from you.

Xterminator

wow, theres a lot of judgment going on in this thread without all the facts.

Im afraid there are circumstances where a parent might have to cease having contact. i know its not ideal, but when the relationship between the parents is toxic, the child can be better off with one reasonably good parent than 2 unhappy ones.

nor should one parent have to put up with abuse or threats from the other or their family and friends. Add this to the fact that the legal system in Ireland is so one-sided its dreadful.

Lets be honest without the details to tar this man as a deadbeat dad is simply lazy and IMO ignorant. We know her doesn't see his child but supports them financially. anything is is assumption.

EG 'there's a significant chance that's his child also i mean how can you say that? If his ex was cheating on him and got pregnant, he is entitled to have this opinion. It may be wrong, i cant say, but for someone so unconnected to make that assumption .... staggering.

My advice to the OP would be to find out why he doesn't see his child. If he has cut this child from his life under painful circumstances, then it might be more understandable that he didnt bring up the subject, as for instance i know of a friend who was abused, and hasnt told his long term girlfriend.

The situation is different, but the issue is not that he doesnt trust his partner, but that he cant really deal with the situation and just ignores it.

Barracudaincork

Xterminator wrote: »

but that he cant really deal with the situation and just ignores it.

That doesnt sound healthy!!! Poor guy!

Are you saying that you think the OP's boyfriend is a good Dad who because of how the courts are in Ireland he never got the child? Or have i misread your posting?

My understanding is that the reason he doesnt see the child is because he doesnt want to have anything to do with her and the Mum is a pain, not just the Mum is a pain, so IMO there are no horrible circumstances he would rather forget. That said i really cant imagine what the circumstance would have to be to make me want to forget my own flesh and blood existed.

seahorse

Xterminator wrote: »

My advice to the OP would be to find out why he doesn't see his child.

He's already told her why: "cos he wants nothing to do with the kids and their mother is hardwork and caused his alot of problems".

aidan24326

Xterminator wrote: »

wow, theres a lot of judgment going on in this thread without all the facts.

And how do you propose that people on here would have all the facts? The Op asked for advice, it was given based on the info she provided.

Im afraid there are circumstances where a parent might have to cease having contact. i know its not ideal, but when the relationship between the parents is toxic, the child can be better off with one reasonably good parent than 2 unhappy ones.

Very true, however the Op's bf gave his reason as 'the mother is hard work to deal with'. Aren't they more often than not? Obviously a bit more info required there.

EG 'there's a significant chance that's his child also i mean how can you say that? If his ex was cheating on him and got pregnant, he is entitled to have this opinion. It may be wrong, i cant say, but for someone so unconnected to make that assumption .... staggering.

He has a child with her already, she claims this other child is his also. A 'significant' chance? yes I think so. Why not have a parental test and find out for sure?

The issue here is not really whether he's a bad dad or any of that, as you say we don't exactly know all the ins and outs of it. The problem is his concealing this for a whole two years. Painful or not, hiding this type of rather vital information from someone who is planning to marry you is a pretty serious breach of trust. This isn't just some skeleton in his closet, he has a child ffs, possibly two. Don't you think your wife-to-be ought to know that?

kittenkiller

The mother of the children can't be that troublesome if he went back and shagged her again after his 1st child was born can she now?

Run for the hills.
Scumbag dad alert!
Two years isn't that long to turn your back on.
Two years of a lie is waaaay too long to put up with.

Barracudaincork

kittenkiller wrote: »

The mother of the children can't be that troublesome if he went back and shagged her again after his 1st child was born can she now?

Nicely put Kittenkiller!!!

OxO-CuBe

I don't really post but I do read quite a lot of messages on this board and I can't believe some of the replies I am reading. Especially kittenkillers last post.

Run for the hills
Good point if the OP thinks that the OH betrayed the trust of the relationship, which is the main point she should be pursuing. She needs to know why her OH never told her about this. I'm sure he thought about it but came to a decision not to tell her. My main point would be "You have a family but never told me. I need to know why !" and get a full, truthful answer because if this is not put to bed then it will sow the seeds of a doomed relationship.

Scumbag dad alert!
Hmm. Ok. So a Mother who gives her baby up for adoption is also a scumbag Mom. Didn't think so. In fact I come from a family where my two siblings are from a previous relationship that broke up. My Mother moved back to Ireland and married my Father. From talking to my Brother the best thing that ever happened to him was for my Father to be his Father. There were no complications. He loved our Dad and that was it. No if, buts or what’s. Dad is Dad. He didn't and doesn't even mention his biological Father at all. So sometimes the best thing a man can do is move out of the way and let his family move on with whatever new relationship the Mother chooses.

Two years isn't that long to turn your back on.
No two years is not too long to turn your back on, but it is well long enough to know what is going on in your OH life. Find out why he never told you and see what you want from there. Stay or go...

Two years of a lie is waaaay too long to put up with.

Do we know he lied? Is not saying something the same as lying? If so round up all the Politicians, Business Men and Entrepreneurs and shoot them for non truths. Otherwise find out the answer to main question and see what direction you want to take this.

pookie82

OxO-CuBe wrote: »

Do we know he lied? Is not saying something the same as lying?

Are you serious? You're trying to get the guy off on a technicality of whether or not he LIED or just HID something????

Both are gross breaches of trust when having one or potentially TWO SECRET CHILDREN is at hand. The guy sounds like an unsavoury character for various reasons detailed by his girlfriend. If she chooses to come back on and set the record straight in his favour so be it. Until then her info is all we have to go on and it does not paint him in a nice light whatsoever.

Tell me this, if his ex is so difficult to deal with (to the extent that that justifies him having nothing to do with his own fleah and blood) how come the rest of his family can see them just fine? Sounds like the guy is using every excuse in the book.

LegacyUser

like most are telling you - run.

My ex informed me on a very drunken night that he was "being accused" of fathering a baby to a lets just say not so nice girl. I was shocked. I have a son and didnt see why on earth he wouldnt tell me! the poor girl had been chasing him for years for DNA tests and maintenance and he kept hiding behind every excuse his solicitor could concoct. he had been doing all this stuff behind my back and his family's too - getting solicitors letters to his home house so i never found out.

it was only after i found out and made him do the right thing did it ever get sorted. I always felt he was the father but he denied it venomously. I WAS RIGHT! she got him to court but only after he moved in with me and so only ended up having to give her pitiful maintenance - after an 8 year chase on her part. He always refused to see the child. wanted nothing to do with him cos his mother was the town bike. i felt so bad i often thoguht about calling to see them. How could he treat my son more like a son than he did his own biological son.

i fell preganant, we got engaged, 2 months later something snapped and i had to get out, it caused too much of a rift between us but he never saw how much it hurt me. i couldnt handle him having another child that would never be part of our family, that wouldnt have the same chance at a good life that i aim to give my kids and no matter what i said he wouldnt budge, i even got pictures of the child and he wouldnt look at them.

I got out but he has made my live hell since so much so i moved counties to get away from him. ive had social workers letters, guards called, verbal abuse, threats, pitiful maintenance payments, dragged endlessly back home to attend court cos his solicitor/himself kept holding up proceedings. I agreed to guardianship and access to our son immediately in court but he hadnt the respect to do the same wth maintenance hearing. he got his comeuppance when the judge ordered him to pay way more than i was even looking for as he lied so much in court the judge seen right through him! he even tried to claim he was renting a house so he wouldnt have to part with his money.

but the point here is if in your head you have THE slightest doubt then go. If i had when i had that same doubt your feeling i would not be in the situation i am in now. anyone who denies there kids regardless of why he does it is not worth it. I was with my ex 2 years also. there are harder things to do in life than to end a relationship.

you could try like i did and see if he'll do the right thing by the child thats definately his and get a DNA test on the other, its a mere cottonbud in the mouth, expensive but hey so are kids!!

OxO-CuBe

Hmm. Sorry about that pookie. You are right :rolleyes: Re-reading the post the bf does seem to be a wrong 'un

AvaKinder

Ignoring whatever issues may have been at hand regarding his ignoring or denying his children, can you really think about marrying someone who could keep something like this from you?

It's understandable that if you were only seeing each other for a few months that he wouldn't tell you yet, and that his family kept it from you as it's his business to tell, but when you and this man have discussed marriage there isn't really a good enough excuse for this kind of omission/deception.

And OP, while turning your back on a relationship of 2 years may be hard, it would be much harder to end up in a broken marriage. You cannot spend your life with someone you can't trust. And the fact that people outside the immediate family knew the situation and he must have been aware you could possibly find out from a third party, he has shown a huge amount of disrespect for you.

LegacyUser

thanks again for all your feedback it has def. given me some food to thought so i asked him why he thought fit to keep something so serious and relevant to our future to himself and he just kept coming back to the same thing, he had no intention of playing any part in their lives he contributes to them and thats his job done. his sister called to me yesterday and said he has always been like this since the children were born and it is unlikely he will change his mind.

so last night i told him i could not be with someone who was not honest with me and more importantly could treat his own flesh and blood like that, he told me nothing was going to change he didn't want those children then or now, he wanted to be with me and when i brought up about how he would treat our children if we had any he said he would love them because they were with me. the whole situation is just too much how could i ever have trust or respect for someone like this and as someone else has said what is to say he wouldn't do the same with me and our child if I were to end up pregnant. i've told him to leave me alone now i no longer want him to be part of my life I was shocked he never even tried to change my mind he just continued to justify what he had done and how i was still over reacting so he loaded up the car with the stuff he had in my appt and left. didn't sleep much and will undoubtedly miss the person i thought i had fallen in love with but i could never build a future with someone who can be so cold about their own child/children.

thank you again for all of your replies especially those who have found themselves in similar situations, it helped put things in perspective for me.

Sanjuro

Head wrecked wrote: »

his take on it is this child (possibly children) will never play any part in his life so therefore will not play any part in our future.

Sorry, OP, but what sort of person co-creates another human being and then just dismisses it as having no part in his life? I just don't understand that. If that's his attitude to a child he helped create, it doesn't say very much about him as a man. I think the answer here is pretty obvious. Run. Run away very fast, right now.

AvaKinder

You made the right decision OP. The next few weeks will be hard, but take care fo yourself, and remember you deserve love and respect.

Barracudaincork

OP, fair play to you for taking such a hard and brave step! The hard part is now over and although the next few weeks may be cr*ppy for you, its nothing to the cr*p you could be facing down the road with this guy! You rock in my eyes!!!