I hate funerals

LegacyUser

Hi I know this is strange but im just wondering is anyone else the same? I dont hate them in a way that I feel sad or anything like that. I just dread them and I don't know why. I have to go to one soon and I am dreading it. I always get an uneasy almost nervous feeling going to a funeral.
I dont think I have social anxiety or anything cause I don't mind going to partys or whatever. It only seems to be with funerals. Its just a feeling of discomfort and then a feeling of not knowing how I should look , or what to say to the family.
I feel awful that I missed a funeral a few months ago, it would have been ALOT of hassle for me to go but that was more of an excuse to be honest. I didn't want to go anyway. The worst part is that I feel so selfish and thoughtless when I think like that. I heard some awful news today about a friends relative and instead of emphasizing the pain he must be going through I began to worry about going to the funeral.
Whats wrong with me? That is seriously selfish and weird considering what he must be going through. Im going to go of course but I just wanted to know is anyone else the same.
Im a male and it probably has something to do with not being able to deal with others when theyre very emotional. Its something I think I need to deal with.

The ironic thing is I had no problems with my own grandparents funerals etc, its only others.

krudler

Id be more worried if someone liked them tbh, they're not easy to deal with but its just one of those things in life you have to deal with, as a general rule i'd only go to a funeral for family or close friends, I'd see it as a bit disrespectful to attend a funeral for someone you barely knew, it should be for family and those closest to the person,at my grandfathers funeral last year there was this guy who's know around town as basically attending every funeral thats on, hes a complete oddball who goes to them and then spends all his time telling people he's sorry for their loss, even though hes never met the person who died, what a freak

metrovelvet

You probably feel out of place if you are not in mourning yourself.

Ickle Magoo

I'm no fan either, tho I also have a family member who seems to see funerals as an opportunity to catch up with old friends and distant relatives and eagerly looks forward to those, even of people she barely knows.

I get very uncomfortable at funerals unless I am directly related or very close to the person that died - so those are the only ones I go to these days.

LegacyUser

Glad to see im not the only one so.
metrovelvet:you make a very good point I used be very very good friends with him but havent been in touch in a while, and its his close relative that died. And as you said because I am not in mourning, its an out of place.

But I have to go I guess, there are a few people there that would be absolutely disgusted if I didnt go. Maybe not my friend himself, but our mutual friends.
As somone else said, I guess its just one of those things I have to do in life.
Its just a nervous uncomfortable dreading feeling im getting, not a sad sorrow for the loss of the person. Thats what makes me feel bad. I was never good with confrontation, and I guess this is a sort of form of confrontation that I have trouble dealing with.

Ickle Magoo

Maybe look at your role as supporting the living rather than mourning the dead then? It might make you feel a little less out of place.

metrovelvet

Funerals are for the living. They are uncomfortable because you are directly face to face with the deep pain of others,and when those others are strangers and that vulnerability is exposed we are disoriented,as its usually only those closest to us who show us that rawness. Its a strange kind of intimacy.

Grafenwalder

No1 likes funerals.

Your no different.

rebelpixie

krudler wrote: »

Id be more worried if someone liked them tbh, they're not easy to deal with but its just one of those things in life you have to deal with, as a general rule i'd only go to a funeral for family or close friends, I'd see it as a bit disrespectful to attend a funeral for someone you barely knew, it should be for family and those closest to the person,at my grandfathers funeral last year there was this guy who's know around town as basically attending every funeral thats on, hes a complete oddball who goes to them and then spends all his time telling people he's sorry for their loss, even though hes never met the person who died, what a freak

You don't have to know the person who died to go to their funeral. My mother died last year and a lot of people who went wouldn't have known her but they knew us and obviously wanted to sympathise with us.

rebelpixie

to the original poster, everybody finds funerals difficult. all you can do with your friend is tell him you are there for him if he needs to talk. believe me, he will happy to see you there.

smilerxxx

Hi OP
I feel exactly the same, i get so uncomfortable as soon as a funeral is mentioned i clam up. My grandparents died when i was very young so I guess I really haven't experienced it personally. I really believe in only going to the funerals of very close friends-relatives and family of course, and I will not go to the graveyard of anybody I did not know personally.

You've actually made me feel better because I really thought I was strange. Some of my extended family use them as social gatherings and i hate it.

Now here is a funny antidote from a recent extended family funeral-- one of our older relatives (who has always been quite controversial and downright inappropriate) attended all parts of the funeral (removal, mass, burial etc). He knew the ladies daughter and that was it. When the coffin was lowered to the ground, he burst into song and gave the whole congregation 4 versus of Forever Friend!!!!!! WTF nobody knew who he was and even the priest felt uncomfortable. Nobody knew what to do so he was left to his devices and belted out the tune LOL.. He also attended another funeral of another stranger yesterday and broke into song during the mass..... imagine the horror hahahaha

Just thought it might make you laugh

LegacyUser

everything you're anxious about is entirely natural and everyone feels it though sadly it gets easier the more you go to, part of getting older

i always find it easier to go to up to the family in a group, whether with your family or friends, you'll feel a lot less and it's nicer for the bereaved this way too i think.

ultimately, go up with some memory of the deceased in your heart and sympathise with them honestly what more can you do. the funeral is a blur for families of the bereaved, they won't notice how awkward you feel, they'll just appreciate you being there

LegacyUser

Thanks very much for the responses, I didnt realise that feeling was perfectly normal. Granted I knew nobody liked going to funerals ,I thought it was for different reasons(i.e. the sadness of the death etc) but it seems not which is a relief to me.
And the suggestion about the group thing is very true too, it is probably easier for everyone involved.