Queen of drunken hook-ups

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Title says it all really. I sort of know the solution to this problem and the responses I'll be getting I.E GET HIS NUMBER etc, but I really just want to post here to see if anyone can relate, is in the same position, has any interesting insights into why I might be this way etc...!

Basically my love life consists of a series of drunken snogs with randomers when I'm out. Throw in the very occasional one night stand and I've pretty much painted the full picture. I can't seem to get to 'the next level' with someone, or maybe I'm too afraid of trying...but for whatever reason, most of the time I wake up the next morning with nothing but a first name in my head and no number.
These hook ups don't always occur when I am absolutely hammered but they invariably always involve alcohol and I feel like they wouldn't occur otherwise. Maybe I don't have the confidence, self-belief, ability to flirt...without it.
Thing is, I'm nearly 25 years old and nothing is changing. I've never had a serious relationship, this is always how it has been and I think it's a bit sad at this stage. I want someone I can get to know and fancy them, have the build-up and the butterflies, be treated the way I deserve to be treated, but I just don't know how to change.
I have a busy job, good friends but most of whom are already paired off (same goes for work colleagues), the only spare time I get I spend with these good friends or in the gym, where I pretty much keep myself to myself (I love to work out so wouldn't even want the distraction)

I guess I'm just wondering...what avenues do I have to actually meet men where it doesn't culminate in the end-of-night drunken fumble? I feel like I am selling myself short but then on the other hand I feel like this is all I'm worth, if that makes any sense...it's like, I don't even expect for them to ask for my number at this stage. I used to fool myself into believing that it was all just a bit of fun, I have a high sex drive so on the odd occasion where they do come home, I am just 'getting what I need without having to commit' but seriously that is just bullsh1t. I want someone to commit to me and I want a loving relationship, like most of us. I'm just baffled as to how I can change my way of thinking / acting so I can end this perpetual circle.

Sorry for all this psychobabble. Is anyone in a similar situation?

LegacyUser

This is a very simple problem with a simple solution: just don't get so drunk.

You need to make proper decisions when you go out so you need to be compus mentus. Drink lower alcohol drunks or dilute them.

Also, when I was single and going out, me and my friend would go cruising - meet guys, then say we had to go elsewhere - numbers get swapped and we move on without the fumbles and repeat the process elsewhere.

Nobody can blame single people for the odd one nighter, of course. But it seems like drink is the root of your problem here..

booksale

What makes you think that you are just worth for a fling with men and nothing serious?

If you don't want one night stand anymore, stop it. Arrange a date instead of going to sleep with the guys you meet in the pub?

stripysocks85

Fraid if you want to find a man you need to explore other avenues than taking him home the first night you meet him! Few men would consider developing anything further with a lady that does that.

Nightclubs and pubs can work for some people to meet prospective partners, for others it doesn't. Hate to be clichéd, but could you:
try joining a class or something?
Ask friends for any potential boyfriends to set you up on a blind date [could be fun!],
go speed dating,
check out internet dating [it's not just for freaks, although you have to be careful as there are freaks in all walks of life],
have a party and get friends to bring a single friend, and you can invite some single ladies!

They do say that when you're looking for someone, they're least likely to come along, but you can at least try Good luck!

BKtje

If you have found that meeting people when alcohol is involved never gets you anywhere long term than you need to try avenues where alcohol is not necessarily involved.

Gym, clubs, sports or whatever you are interested is probably a good place to start. You might not find someone there but you will make friends which will open up doors to a different social group and who knows, they may have friends who may be someone for you.
Dating sites may also be an option?
Just remember to get their number when you do find someone that you click with.

I wouldn't worry about being 25 and never having had a serious relationship by the way, I was 25 before I met my first (and current) serious girlfriend. I met her at the most random place (ladies lounge night out where I had just planned to pop in to say hi) and now 13 months on i've moved to another country, in the process of learning a new language and am very happy.

You never know when or where you could meet someone.

Kimia

First of all, stop the drunken hookups. Stop kissing/going home with random men you meet on a night out.

Next, work on your self esteem. You are worth more than a random one night stand, and the reason the men aren't asking/taking your number is because you are putting out very obvious vibes that you don't want them to, because you fear rejection.

This is all about fear of rejection actually. Think about it. If you just do random one night hookups, you don't get emotionally attached, therefore noone can reject you - you don't give them the chance.

You need to take a risk. For example, next time you're out, cut down on your drink and the next time a guy comes on to you just talk to him. Don't give in to the urge of instant gratification - just talk to him and see if you like him. If not, that's ok. There are plenty of men out there.

Give yourself a chance here. You are just as worthy of a relationship as anyone else but you're shooting yourself in the foot so far. Put the brakes on majorly and slow it down. Start talking to these men and it might go somewhere.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for all the advice. Nail on the head Kimia in terms of self-esteem / fear of rejection, I almost keeled over reading that. This bit especially:

Kimia wrote: »

This is all about fear of rejection actually. Think about it. If you just do random one night hookups, you don't get emotionally attached, therefore noone can reject you - you don't give them the chance.

Anyway, true to the subject line, I went out last night, met a hot Scottish guy, chatted for a bit, kissed for a bit, culminating in me resisting his not-so-subtle attempts to bed me and leaving his place at 5am. Number-less, as per usual. The friend who was with me reckons it's because I never ask, whereas in my head 'he's only out for the shag' 'from a different country, what's the point?', any number of reasons...

The bottom line is that this just isn't working for me. It's never worked, but I've never felt I've had any alternatives so I've always stuck with it, because although it kills me to admit it, the die-hard romantic in me keeps thinking some night, something will change.

All of this is definitely rooted in low self-esteem and I think it's nearly a self fulfilling prophecy at this point. I've written myself off as someone who just never meets anyone so I'm settling for an unsatisfying snog / shag with a randomer when I'm out, to put it bluntly.

The only other avenues I can think of are gym and friends of friends, but I mean, how does that work? I keep the head down in the gym, it's sort of my 'me' time in the chaos that is my life, although admittedly I could make an effort in heading out more to friends' parties and the like...I often use work as an excuse to not bother.

Internet dating...I'm just not sure. I know, don't knock it etc etc but a part of me feels like you're meeting people under contrived circumstances, it's putting yourself too 'out there' or something...I know I'll probably get slated for this and so many people meet this way nowadays, but I'm not at all sure that's really me...

diamondtooth

Well I had a girlfriend like that and because of the way she was acting I stopped going out with her. It wasn't going to work out.
Guys won't stay with you long term if they know you will keep meeting other guys. Don't go home with these randomers anymore.

But I do get where you are coming from. I am single and have a lot going for me (I think!) and still find it hard to meet someone right.

kenbrady

nothingmore wrote: »

whereas in my head 'he's only out for the shag' 'from a different country, what's the point?'

Then why did you kiss him, go back to his place. If you though he was only interested in a shag ?
You need to stop doing that; 1. You'll never meet a man who is interested in you rather than a shag. 2. You'll put off any man who might be interested in you, by getting a reputation of sleeping around.
Can you not go out and have fun, without the need to go home with a man ?

LegacyUser

I know what you are going through: I have been there myself, but probably much worse. I was the kind of girl who wouldn't have even attempted to resist the cute Scottish guy. So well done on that!

It was a horrible place to be. The awkwardness of the next morning; the loneliness when heading home at 6am; the emptiness when alone. The longing for an actual relationship, for a man who actually cared about me as a person, not just as a one night stand.

A friend gave me a book by a woman called Dawn Eden who went through the same thing, and it really helped me. It's called The Thrill of the Chaste; you can probably find it online somewhere.

Good luck!! If I can turn my life around a find a great man (getting married this summer!) then so can you.

Kimia

nothingmore wrote: »

I've written myself off as someone who just never meets anyone so I'm settling for an unsatisfying snog / shag with a randomer when I'm out, to put it bluntly.


...

Here is the key part of what you've just said Op. Don't settle! Why don't you think you're worth more?? Maybe try exploring that - there's a lot to be said for self help books so maybe have a look on amazon and get some to start you off.

Don't give up on going out either though, it is the easiest way to meet guys but you just HAVE to change your approach. Ken is spot on - you are attracting the wrong guys because of the above quote and because of your fear of rejection.

Just slow it down like I said before. You don't have to stop going to pubs, but just don't kiss/sleep with anyone for 2 weeks (at first). See how you get on with that. Then try for a month. And so on. All the while, explore how you feel about yourself. Why do you feel unworthy?

After a while you will find that you are meeting different sort of men. Men that want to talk to you and think that you are interesting. And you will meet someone special and start a relationship so don't give up hope. ANd don't be too hard on yourself if you slip up - recognise it for what it is (a mistake) and put it behind you.

I really wish you the best of luck because I think a lot of women go through this. It's hard to find the right balance in this day and age because there is so much emphasis on casual sex and I think women feel this pressure to be 'cool' with one night stands and to not want a relationship. So fair play to you for recognising that you want more and that the excuses you gave yourself were just that, excuses.

Don't give up on yourself. You are worth more than random hook ups so try and work on yourself and bit and you will find that some day soon you will be much much happier and more centered, and you won't feel the need to satisfy that 'stranger' urge because you will feel happy from the inside without needing something to fill you. xx

G-Money

I'm in a similar boat OP in that I've low self esteem and stuff, however being a guy, the casual hook-ups are not as easily available to me.

I can see where you are coming from, with thinking you don't deserve certain things and stuff like that. I started reading a book called Overcoming Low Self Esteem by Melanie Farrell. It's ok but I haven't got very far into it. Definitely some of it stood out though and described my own situation.

I also went to my doctor as I was worried I might be suffering from depression. It turns out I'm not but he's suggested I go speak to a psychologist to help sort out my self esteem and confidence issues.

I don't know if that is something you'd be interested in, but it does no harm to think about it anyway.

All the best.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys again for all the advice, I really do appreciate it and it's heartening to see all the kindness from relative strangers...it's also nice to see that others have felt / been through the same.

I want to say first off that I think I may have misrepresented myself with some of my posts - I absolutely am not in the habit of going home and sleeping with strangers. Generally it stops at the drunken kiss / drunken fumble (Classy burd that I am!!)
I merely mentioned this aspect because I have recently had two one night stands that I attributed to sexual frustration, but I am wondering now what my real motive was. I actually think, sexual chemistry aside, I wanted those guys to wake up beside me and want something to do with me. Hilarious isn't it, how someone in my situation can actually be such a romantic at heart...!

As to why I feel so unworthy...I really don't know. Sure, I mean obviously I could be a far more confident, self assured individual, but I really do believe it has more to do with the sum of my experiences than anything else. How exactly does one happen upon self-worth when you spend the night drinking enough to lower your inhibitions to hook up with someone, spend the night being physical with them, only for it to be game over, good night and good luck at the end of the night? That to me is rejection, and it makes me feel used, (even if I have been an equal party in the using...) and it leads to me feeling like I'm worth no more.
Honestly, I do know that I have a lot to offer - I have a great personality, I'm intelligent, a pretty girl etc etc, but these experiences sometimes make me feel like none of those things matter...or they're not 'enough' or I'm not 'girlfriend material' or whatever.

Christ. I sound like a mess. I'm actually quite laidback and normal, believe it or not!!

Thanks again for all who replied. Maybe I'll invest in a few books. I like reading :-)

G-Money

I know what you mean OP.

It's so weird it's like one part of me knows I've a lot to offer and I'd probably be a good catch for some girl. But then the other louder side just keeps telling me that there's no way they'll ever be interested. So consequently I don't approach girls usually. And even the odd time when they make a move on me, my brain freezes up and I don't know what to do. So I miss my opportunity.

It's a vicious circle but I'm trying to break it.

Feel free to PM me if you like.

Benincasa

OP:

The key issue is this: "How exactly does one happen upon self-worth when you spend the night drinking enough to lower your inhibitions to hook up with someone, spend the night being physical with them, only for it to be game over, good night and good luck at the end of the night? That to me is rejection, and it makes me feel used, (even if I have been an equal party in the using...) and it leads to me feeling like I'm worth no more."

The problem lies with the kind of guys you are going for. You can see yourself that they are using you, and that you are using them. Why would you want to be in a relationship where both people are only using each other? Even if you swapped numbers, where do you think such a relationship would go? OK, it might work, they guy might be worth holding onto, but statistically this is unlikely. As you say, his first encounter with you is one where he is using you, rather than being interested in you for who you are.

You do clearly come across as an intelligent person; you do have some good insights into what is going on here. You just need to act on those insights. The first step- stop the random snogging/casual sex. If the guy expects to be kissing you (or more) within moments of meeting you then he is already in the pattern of using you for amusement. Such a relationship is unlikely to work. If bars/clubs don't help you meet someone, look elsewhere. There are guys out there who will happily treat you like a lady and want to get to know you for your own sake. But you have to recognise that you are worth waiting for and treating right. If you don't recognise this, how will they?

kenbrady

nothingmore wrote: »

As to why I feel so unworthy...I really don't know. Sure, I mean obviously I could be a far more confident, self assured individual, but I really do believe it has more to do with the sum of my experiences than anything else. How exactly does one happen upon self-worth when you spend the night drinking enough to lower your inhibitions to hook up with someone, spend the night being physical with them, only for it to be game over, good night and good luck at the end of the night? That to me is rejection, and it makes me feel used, (even if I have been an equal party in the using...) and it leads to me feeling like I'm worth no more.
Honestly, I do know that I have a lot to offer - I have a great personality, I'm intelligent, a pretty girl etc etc, but these experiences sometimes make me feel like none of those things matter...or they're not 'enough' or I'm not 'girlfriend material' or whatever.

None of these guys you meet out know you, or how great you are. You tell them what you are worth by sleeping with them so quickly, ie (not much).

Guys go out to:
1. Get laid at any cost
2. Go out have fun maybe meet someone
3. Go out with mates no interest in meeting anyone

You are hooking up with the guys from 1. So you are 50% to blame for what happens.

I'm talking for me and all my mates, guys don't like to go out with girls who sleep with them on the first night they meet them. We don't want them as girlfriends, if they will sleep with someone so easily. It's not about thinking all woman should be innocent and virginal. It's not about having a lack of respect for them. It's about meeting woman who think they are special and worth more than to just jump in bed with guys they have only met.

daisybelle2008

Cut back on your alcohol in-take on nights out. It will help you not let things get to the fumble stage that you regret. At least you will want to get to know the guys before you get intimate.
In a lot of cases you will probably find they are not that attractive too you after all. At least you will be in the driving seat.
Guys will ask for your number and try to get to know you better if you hold back. Take drink out of the equation for a while and things may improve.