Inhibited by my lack of social skills

LegacyUser

ok guys..
i have to be suffering social anxiety or phobia or something like that. any time im in a social situation eg meeting someone on the street meeting old friend neighbours etc.. i just dont have a clue what to say and am always always stuck for words and just dont know what the hell to say, and try to get away from that person as soon as i can without them realising my shyness and lack of social skills. to add fuel to the fire my body language and eye contact is very bad. im 21 and it seems as if i just have not developed socially as my peers.. put it down to life experences iv always been shy withdrawn and have got varius critisism for this as a child.. and my father is just the same way so it could be generic. being a young guy im often out in nightclubs being put into pressure situation where all my friends seem to be able to chat freely to and humouriously to others and i find myself asking why im not like that and just thinking of my self as a dryarse! its just like i freeze up when coming in contact with others be it of my own age or any age i just dont know what to say how to act or be around people. it really is a MAJOR problem in my life and has caused me alot of setbacks in the past eg leaving college, never being able to have a relationship with a girl, loosing friends and peoples interest in me the list goes on... it has caused me to look into myself alot over the past few years everyday i question myself for not being good socially it really gets to me. people just dont react to me as they do to others and i feel somewhat rejected. on the outside some people might think im snobby but i just get really anxious when i see someone i know thoughts go through my mind my head, my heard starts pounding and i start sweating so i try to avoid encounters as much as possible. i find myself drinking alot to try and ease my anxietys around people on nights out but this dosnt really work as i have to get really drunk to approach someone and probably just end up making a complete arse of myself. its really bugging me as i want to change so desperatly but feel as if im stuck in this rut for life and will end up lonely and never achieve my full potential for the rest of my life.......... can anyone help or give me some solid advice as my confidence and self esteem has hit rock bottom anyone know of any classes or groups to help one develop social skills.. all help would be greatly appreciated thanks

robd55

Hi from what you are saying socialising is a real problem because you cant connect with people. In order to connect you need to establish some kind of rapport. I would suggest you should get involved in some activities such as charity work. This will get to interact with different people and you will all have a similar topice of interest. I would suggest joining a drama gour or taking acting lessons. This will have the double effect of bringing you out of your shell and getting you to interact with people. There are courses out there that teach aacting for personal development. I dont have info on them you will have to look into them yourself. Cut down on the booze and talking to someone might be a good idea also. Hope this helps.:)

Denerick

Hi OP. Social anxiety is a pyschological disorder so don't beat yourself up about it too much. A lot of these things are genetic, (Or as my mother often says, oddness runs in families) but you can still help yourself by seeing somebody who could help. Good luck with it.

Moomoo1

I can sympathise with a lot of what the OP is saying, and this is not anxiety, it's lack of skills. I am a reasonably confident person, but the ability to form and maintain a lively conversation, whilst also maintaining good body language and eye contact is something that some people are born with to a greater degree than others, and in my case I don't have any of it.

However, not all is lost: as you get older you find that people value you much more for your knowledge and experience and for what sort of interesting things you can say to them, in short, they start valuing what you can tell them over how you tell it more and more. Do you find that you can talk to people 10-15 years older than you easier than your peers?

First thing is, make sure that you are clued-up on the topics that interest people, that you always have interesting things to say and tell, and if you really go the whole hog try to copy the phrases and comebacks that your friends use - but otherwise try to keep the conversation simple to avoid being awkward. Second thing is, avoid clubs: when you have problems conversing with people having loud music in there will cause you a problem (or learn to dance well, in which case you might not even need to say a word). Third thing is, learn to listen really well: a lot of people will gladly tell you stuff with minimal prompting, but they need to know that what they are saying is registering. Fourthly, ask a female friend for help with your personal appearance (this is what I never did, for ideological reasons!): if you fit in visually, then people will be more likely to talk to you (see number 3). Finally, body language and eye contact are the hardest things to improve, and sadly they are both really important - but hopefully if everything else is right, people would be willing to overlook this.

bmw316

join facebook and bebo and search for local people make friends and someday go meet them at a party or something like that making friends online is so easy just like ur doing now meeting them can be hard but best of luck with it

LegacyUser

hey op,

hows it going? yes, it does sound like you are suffering from Social Anxiety Disorder. It's actually more common than most people think. I myself suffered from it but thankfully now i am now addressing it and have made signifcant progress in overcoming it.

The good news is that it is treatable and the younger you deal with it, the better. From reading your post, it seems highly likely you developed it as a combination of both negative environmental factors (critcism received when you were younger ) and possible genetics passed down from your mother.

There is loads of information on the net about this disorder....not all of it is accurate. there are some scams out there trying to fool people into buying certain products. But the most successful treatment for SA is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy....it is recommened by the NHS and the Irish Health service in dealing with it.

CBT involves recognisiing, preventing and changing your current negative thoughts with more rational positive thoughts. It also involves behavioural therapy where you conduct experiments usually in a controlled environment to overcome certain irrational fears you may have about certain social situations.

The reason i know so much about SA is because i was in the exact same sitiuation as you about a year a go. Thankfully, I am now on the road to a full recovery. There is a weekly behavioural group in Dublin which deals with SA using CBT. Let me if this information has been helpful or if you have any specific questions.

LegacyUser

thanks for all your kind answers guys... im just wondering as to the reply posted by skdfhsk and the group that your attending in dublin could you give me some info on this group as i am highly interested thank again.

LegacyUser

no problem, we meet once a week in smithfield Dublin. There are currently about 5 of us but the amount can vary week to week. The group focuses on the behavioural therapy side of CBT. Basically, we do experiments or role-plays of events which cause you anxiety or fear. The key to this is to do these experiments using a scale. For instance, you start off doing experiments that only cause you a little anxiety and then when comfortable move up your scale to an event that causes moderate anxiety and so on. Success builds upon success...

However before you attend a behavioural group you need to have undergone the cognitive therapy side of CBT. This is really important and provides the right foundation needed before undergoing any behavioural experiments. You cannot skip it. This explains why whenever you have forced yourself to face a fear in the past, you still felt just as bad the next time you faced it. You need to change the way you perceive things first and this can only be done by doing the cognitive therapy first.

Most people in the group have done their CBT through an audio series by Dr. Thomas A Richards. You can do this therapy on your own and it takes 3 months to do the cognitive therapy side. Otherwise you could see a CBT trained counsellor on a weekly basis. If you do this, i'd advise you to see someone who has dealt with treating SA before.

if you have anymore q's, let me know!

good luck!

Pricey

Hi Ray-D

I was in exactly the same boat as you, and now I devote my time to helping people in your situation.

This is extremely common, and becoming increasingly more common in today's society, as depression is sinking into the society as you can imagine.

I had a life changing experience about nine months ago,I met a person around this time who completely opened my eyes. it snapped me out of the rut I was in, which I could never see myself getting out of.

But you can get out of it, think of it like this, your friends and people who are close around you are socially more advanced, and all you need is to learn the methods of catching up with them, the methods that were never passed down from father to son.

The person I met last year was a dating coach, over the course of the evening he passed on his knowledge, this knowledge can be used in almost every social situation, it is incredibly effective, and I am happy to pass it on to others.

If you need any help, just let me know.

Pricey ;-)

LegacyUser

Pricey would you be willing to post some ideas for people who have problems with social anxiety. Im sure it would help a lot of people here along with myself.