Commitment Phobic

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I think I may have a phobia of commitment. Over the last few years, it hasn't bothered me but recently I realised it's something I need to overcome. My first and last long term relationship ended four years ago and since then, I've remained single because I find it hard to get serious with boys. Nothing bad happened in this relationship - we ended amicably as things weren't working out and we were going our separate way. But for some reason, any time I meet someone I could potentially hook up with, nothing has ever gone past an innocent kiss or two and then I completely back off and put up this front like it was a mistake showing any interest in the first place. I'm only 22 - ffs this should be the time for me to go out and have lots of fun and be messing around with boys.

This has also started happening in other areas apart from my love life. I find it hard to make plans, and if I do, I find it difficult to stick to them. I'm originally from down the country and I have no idea why, but any time I'm scheduled a visit back, I'll only decide a few hours beforehand, and will only call when I'm on the way to tell my family that I'm heading down. Once I get down, I tend to just spend time with my younger brother and sister and though I have friends down there, recently I've noticed I'll only meet up with them if they contact me to see if I'm around. I tell myself that this is because they've all moved on and friendship between themselves have progressed but in reality I'm sure they would love to see me, as would I them.

I'm really starting to get irritated with myself as I'm making myself look like a complete b*tch like I don't care, but I really do. I've always been extremely independent - doing my own thing, not minded being on my own, and I'm leading a life that I'm particularly happy with as I worked hard to get to where I am today, and I'm afraid people are seeing this side of me. But this phobia is really starting to bother me. I'm afraid of ending up alone because I'm allowing very few people to get to know the proper me - which even I don't know who that is! I'm not sure if what I'm going through is actually commitment phobia or if it's all in my head and whether I just need to cop on, but when I try to snap out of it, it just doesn't happen.

I think the reason I'm posting this is to ask if what I'm going through is a phobia? And if so, how the hell do I get out of it? If not, does anyone have any advice on how to give myself a good kick up the arse?

Would really appreciate any input. Thanks in advance.

Kevster

Hi,

I would'nt start viewing this as a phobia; rather, I would view it as purely an issue of relationships and life choices. You mention that you've 'worked hard' to get to where you are now, but how hard exactly? - Have you worked so hard that you've allowed your focus on socialising dip? I have also worked very hard since my last break-up (~4 years ago too), but now realise that I've sacrificed socialising for it (and I was already terrible at socialising).

So, maybe have a think about that.

Kevin

LegacyUser

Hi Kevster, OP here - thanks for your response. My social life hasn't dipped at all - I have a few different circles of friends in the city and I try and go out as much as I can. I think it's just as important to go out on the banter than it is to have a good career path. I love to socialise and meet new people but unfortunately, it usually doesn't go much farther than that, and if it does - they just end up being part of another circle of friends I have. These friends I could go months without seeing so they wouldn't know alot about my personal life but then when we do meet up, it's like we're best buddies and we have a great old time.

Hah, maybe I'm just having a mid life crisis at the moment!

Kevster

Hmm, it's good that you are maintaining your social life to some degree; and I hate to sound co clichéd but maybe you just haven't met the right person yet. I have noticed that there are many who go through 'barren' periods like you are going through now, but then the next person that they hit it off with is generally the one they end up being with. I think this barren period occurs because we know ourselves better when we hit our twenties, and we have developed our personality more-so than we did in our teens. This means, of course, that there are fewer people out there that we will get along with.

Does that make sense? Look at it like this: The people who are frequently in relationships are willing to change themselves (to adapt) for different partners, but people like you aand I are not. we are independent and don't want to change much about ourselves when we enter relationships.

I'm as stubborn as hell for example!

Kevin